Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

 

A farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Jeffrey? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Jeffrey getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Jeffrey." 

Did you hear about the brawl at the post office?

The stamps got licked by the postmaster. 



A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis.

The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.

The man said, "Cure it, I want to prolong it!"   



Three unwritten Rules for Life:

1._______________________________

2. _______________________________

3.________________________________ 

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker.

Then I realized she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

 

Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?

It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!  

Somebody told me that echoes repeat everything back...

Where have I heard that before? 

I went to the doctor to see if he can help me to stop smoking .

He suggested that every time I felt like smoking I should reach for a chocolate bar.

It didn't work, because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the chocolate bar to light. 

Mo: What were the best sporting events you’ve ever attended?

Joe: Well, years ago I went to an Indiana-Michigan basketball game. Indiana was coached by the iconic Bobby Knight.

Mo: Wow!

Joe: And recently, I went to an Ohio State-Michigan football game. Ohio State was coached by the up-and-coming Ryan Day.

Mo: Wow again! What were those games like?

Joe: They were like Knight and Day! 

A southern grandmother went with the family to visit Niagara falls.

She decided to order ten hot dogs from the restaurant for the extended family.

When her number was called she was given tea and a hot dog.

She told the lady that she had ordered ten hot dogs.

The lady said, that's what we gave you, tea and a hot dog.  

I never actually lose weight anymore.

Apparently, I just loan it out and it comes back with interest.

And lately, I have been getting great rates of return!

Why does it feel "good" to hurt your gums and teeth?

Found on the Internet: Right now I'm idly sticking a toothpick between two of my molars, really jamming it in there so it squeezes against the gums and the flesh between the teeth. It hurts, but it's also quite pleasurable. I know I'm not alone in this either - other people have said they feel the same way.

When I was a kid and I'd get a loose tooth, I'd just keep wiggling and wiggling it until eventually it came out. Because I liked the sensation of it. It's hard to put into words. It's definitely pain. But I wouldn't just prick my arm with a toothpick for no reason. I don't get any pleasure out of that whatsoever, nor on any other part of my body. But for some reason, poking my gums with sharp objects makes me feel good.

Why is this?

And it's not so much the outer areas of the gums - it's really just the parts of the gums that are right between or around the teeth.


The Wizard's best guess: I would think it's similar to the endorphin release that some folks who are cutters, (I admit I am a cutter - though haven't cut in a long while), who deliberately cause pain to release endorphins, causing pleasure. For me it was because that was ALL I could feel, without the pain, I felt nothing. This is not uncommon for bi-polar folks like me... So, generally, on those people whose gums have receded, exposing more of the inside of the gum to the acids in the mouth, results in swollen gums. These then in turn hurt when massaged or poked with a toothpick, for example, creating pain, which then releases endorphins, to mask the pain. Kind of like your own built in pain killer. This also may happen when you get your teeth cleaned.

Well that's my 2 cents. Have a different opinion? Make a comment!

One WILD Bug!

 

The Extraordinary Volkswagen Bug Decorated with over 2 Million Glass Beads

Tijana Radeska, Vintage news

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0

Ever seen a Volkswagen bug with beads? One of the most iconic cars of all time, The Volkswagen Beetle first rolled out of the factory in 1938 and has since become a symbol of different alternative cultures and movements all over the world. When production ended in 2003, over 21 million units had been built.

The manufacture of the Beetle was ordered by Adolf Hitler with the intention of designing a car affordable for everyone. As such, the popular Bug has been loved by millions of people.

The first one was designed by Ferdinand Porsche, while the last Beetle car was produced in Mexico in 2003, and delivered directly to the VW museum in Wolfsburg, Germany.

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0

TRUE or FALSE? - Lucky 7!!!

 

Owners of a Web site paid $15,000 to use a woman’s forehead as a billboard.

When Karolyne Smith of Utah used eBay to auction her forehead as advertising space, Goldenpalace.com, an online casino, placed the winning bid—$10,000 plus an additional $5,000 added later. Karolyne now has “Goldenpalace.com” tattooed on her forehead in bold black lettering. Golden Palace has implemented other unusual advertising techniques: They’ve paid parents to officially name their infants “GoldenPalaceDotCom” and also named a new species of monkey the “GoldenPalace.com Monkey.” Other “billboards” used by the company include a woman’s chest, a pregnant woman’s belly, and a wheelchair.

The dinosaurs’ day was longer than ours is now.

Days are longer now by about an hour. Earth’s spinning is slowing down, owing mostly to the moon’s pull. This means that every 1 million years, about 15 to 16 seconds are added to the day. The International Earth Rotation Service is in charge of periodically adding a “leap second” to official master clocks to make up the difference in time. The most recent leap seconds were added in 1998 and 2005, both in December. The very gradual slowing down of Earth might eventually cause it to stop spinning, but fortunately not for billions of years.

The orangana is a new fruit, developed in the last ten years.

Though an orange and banana combination might sound good to some people, no such fruit exists. Scientists are constantly developing fruit hybrids, less technically referred to as “frankenfruit.” One example is the peacharine, a sweet fruit that is half peach and half nectarine. About the same size as a peach, it’s darker and less fuzzy. There is also the nectacotum, another dark, sweet fruit that is one-third each nectarine, apricot, and plum.

The phrase “warms the cockles of my heart” actually refers to microscopic structures, which are called “cockles,” in the heart.

Cockles are clams with double-valve (bivalve) shells, similar in appearance to our hearts. However, cockles are also called heart clams, so when people say something has “warmed their cockles,” they are indeed referring to their hearts. The saying goes back to medieval times and has varied through the ages, for example: “pleasing one’s cockles,” “delighting one’s cockles,” or “rejoicing one’s cockles.”

The first refrigerator was built in 1859.

In 1859, a Frenchman named Ferdinand Carré invented the very first refrigerator, which effectively used ammonia as a cooling agent. Ammonia was eventually replaced by fluoride-chlorine-hydrocarbon, which helped refrigerators run more efficiently, but scientists soon discovered that it had a very negative impact on the ozone layer. Environmentally friendly fridges soon appeared—using ammonia again.

In addition to sunlight and moonlight, there is also “earthshine.”

Just as moonlight is sunlight reflecting off the Moon, earthshine is sunlight reflecting off Earth. During the Moon’s crescent phase, we can actually see earthshine reflecting back to us in that strange glow coming from the dark portion of the Moon. The amount of earthshine reflected fluctuates constantly, depending on how cloudy our skies are, but it is brightest during April and May. It was first described by the ever-observant Leonardo da Vinci during the 1500s.

A Caucasian race existed in Japan before the Japanese.

Caucasians called the Ainu were the original inhabitants of Japan. Of the 125 million people living in Japan today, only about 25,000 are Ainu. Though the Ainu once lived in many parts of what is now Japan, they were limited to Hokkaido by the 1880s. After the Japanese began living in Hokkaido during the 1860s, the Ainu, traditionally fishers and hunters, began to see a decline in their language and customs. In 1997, the Ainu Law was passed to help preserve their culture.

Interesting Editorial Article

"Buzz" Thomas, a Baptist minister wrote the following editorial in USA TODAY warning Christians that they may lose their credibility over misguided interpretations of Leviticus and the Bible. In his opinion, too many Americans take the bible at face value instead of interpreting the word of God. It's refreshing to read a rational voice (especially coming from the Baptist church) regarding homosexuals in society. This is a great read-I urge everyone to take a moment to reflect on this editorial and pass it along!

Galileo was persecuted for revealing what we now know to be the truth regarding Earth's place in our solar system. Today, the issue is homosexuality, and the persecution is not of one man but of millions. Will Christian leaders once again be on the wrong side of history?

When religion loses its credibility
By Oliver "Buzz" Thomas

What if Christian leaders are wrong about homosexuality? I suppose, much as a newspaper maintains its credibility by setting the record straight, church leaders would need to do the same:

Correction: Despite what you might have read, heard or been taught throughout your churchgoing life, homosexuality is, in fact, determined at birth and is not to be condemned by God's followers.

Based on a few recent headlines, we won't be seeing that admission anytime soon.

(Illustration by Adrienne Lewis, USA TODAY)

Last week, U.S. Roman Catholic bishops took the position that homosexual attractions are "disordered" and that gays should live closeted lives of chastity. At the same time, North Carolina's Baptist State Convention was preparing to investigate churches that are too gay-friendly. Even the more liberal Presbyterian Church (USA) had been planning to put a minister on trial for conducting a marriage ceremony for two women before the charges were dismissed on a technicality. All this brings me back to the question: What if we're wrong?

Religion's only real commodity, after all, is its moral authority. Lose that, and we lose our credibility. Lose credibility, and we might as well close up shop.

It's happened to Christianity before, most famously when we dug in our heels over Galileo's challenge to the biblical view that the Earth, rather than the sun, was at the center of our solar system. You know the story. Galileo was persecuted for what turned out to be incontrovertibly true. For many, especially in the scientific community, Christianity never recovered.

This time, Christianity is in danger of squandering its moral authority by continuing its pattern of discrimination against gays and lesbians in the face of mounting scientific evidence that sexual orientation has little or nothing to do with choice. To the contrary, whether sexual orientation arises as a result of the mother's hormones or the child's brain structure or DNA, it is almost certainly an accident of birth. The point is this: Without choice, there can be no moral culpability.

Answer in Scriptures

So, why are so many church leaders (not to mention Orthodox Jewish and Muslim leaders) persisting in their view that homosexuality is wrong despite a growing stream of scientific evidence that is likely to become a torrent in the coming years? The answer is found in Leviticus 18. "You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination."

As a former "the Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it" kind of guy, I am sympathetic with any Christian who accepts the Bible at face value. But here's the catch. Leviticus is filled with laws imposing the death penalty for everything from eating catfish to sassing your parents. If you accept one as the absolute, unequivocal word of God, you must accept them all.

For many of gay America's loudest critics, the results are unthinkable. First, no more football. At least not without gloves. Handling a pig skin is an abomination. Second, no more Saturday games even if you can get a new ball. Violating the Sabbath is a capital offense according to Leviticus. For the over-40 crowd, approaching the altar of God with a defect in your sight is taboo, but you'll have plenty of company because those menstruating or with disabilities are also barred.

The truth is that mainstream religion has moved beyond animal sacrifice, slavery and the host of primitive rituals described in Leviticus centuries ago. Selectively hanging onto these ancient proscriptions for gays and lesbians exclusively is unfair according to anybody's standard of ethics. We lawyers call it "selective enforcement," and in civil affairs it's illegal.

A better reading of Scripture starts with the book of Genesis and the grand pronouncement about the world God created and all those who dwelled in it. "And, the Lord saw that it was good." If God created us and if everything he created is good, how can a gay person be guilty of being anything more than what God created him or her to be?

Turning to the New Testament, the writings of the Apostle Paul at first lend credence to the notion that homosexuality is a sin, until you consider that Paul most likely is referring to the Roman practice of pederasty, a form of pedophilia common in the ancient world. Successful older men often took boys into their homes as concubines, lovers or sexual slaves. Today, such sexual exploitation of minors is no longer tolerated. The point is that the sort of long-term, committed, same-sex relationships that are being debated today are not addressed in the New Testament. It distorts the biblical witness to apply verses written in one historical context (i.e. sexual exploitation of children) to contemporary situations between two monogamous partners of the same sex. Sexual promiscuity is condemned by the Bible whether it's between gays or straights. Sexual fidelity is not.

What would Jesus do?

For those who have lingering doubts, dust off your Bibles and take a few hours to reacquaint yourself with the teachings of Jesus. You won't find a single reference to homosexuality. There are teachings on money, lust, revenge, divorce, fasting and a thousand other subjects, but there is nothing on homosexuality. Strange, don't you think, if being gay were such a moral threat?

On the other hand, Jesus spent a lot of time talking about how we should treat others. First, he made clear it is not our role to judge. It is God's. ("Judge not lest you be judged." Matthew 7:1) And, second, he commanded us to love other people as we love ourselves.

So, I ask you. Would you want to be discriminated against? Would you want to lose your job, housing or benefits because of something over which you had no control? Better yet, would you like it if society told you that you couldn't visit your lifelong partner in the hospital or file a claim on his behalf if he were murdered?

The suffering that gay and lesbian people have endured at the hands of religion is incalculable, but they can look expectantly to the future for vindication. Scientific facts, after all, are a stubborn thing. Even our religious beliefs must finally yield to them as the church in its battle with Galileo ultimately realized. But for religion, the future might be ominous. Watching the growing conflict between medical science and religion over homosexuality is like watching a train wreck from a distance. You can see it coming for miles and sense the inevitable conclusion, but you're powerless to stop it. The more church leaders dig in their heels, the worse it's likely to be.

Oliver "Buzz" Thomas is a Baptist minister and author of an upcoming book, 10 Things Your Minister Wants to Tell You (But Can't Because He Needs the Job).

Comments
Mr. Thomas,

Not sure were to begin. First, all Scripture is inspired by God (2 Tim 3:16). Homosexuality is condemned by Scripture (Lev, Romans 1;18-32, 1 Cor 6:9-11). I could go on but the problem I think you have is unbelief. Jesus came to save sinners (homosexuals, liars, adulterers, gossips, etc..) Telling a homosexual he/she is ok is to keep them enslaved in their sin. Jesus came to set the captives free. I don't hate homosexuals. I want them to be free. Only the Gospel can set them free. I'm not sure what you're a minister of. I hope you are a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Tell people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. Speak the truth in love.

Chris M. (Texas)

Finally! Someone has actually read the entire bible and made an attempt to understand it. Anything can be proved by someone who wants to, if they are selective in the verses/portions of the bible that they quote, but living with tolerance and actually following the teaching of Jesus is much more difficult. It is also much less likely to gain you media attention.

Posted by: Jan from NC

I would like to see the evidence for your statement, "homosexuality is, in fact, determined at birth..." There are many studies suggesting that there are biological differences between gays and nongays, however, none of those studies proves your statement. If, for example, a gay man had a difference in a particular brain region, then all gay men would have that difference and all nongays would be missing that difference. Unless you know differently, none of the scientific studies prove conclusively that there is a biological determining factor. I do agree with you that the those who call themselves Christians needs to remember to "love your neighbor as yourself."

Posted by: Randy-MN

Sodom and Gomorrah??? And you are a Baptist Preacher?? Shame on You. What would Jesus do? He's already done it (Death, burial and resurrection) "Grace"! God's Word is the same yesterday, today and forever. Choice is everyone's decision: Heaven or Hell. This is the reason no one fear's God, is pastors like you that is suppose to be preaching the Truth, are tickling the ears with what the people want to hear. All of us will stand before the Lord's judgement; you and me included.......Now do your JOB! Their house is on fire....Tell them to come to the Lord for salvation. Talk about discrimination are you discriminating against GOD??? God won't let you starve, if He Called you to the ministry? Have a good day.

Posted by: Clair O'Connell

In spite of what you try to "prove" and your smear tactics against good Christian people, Bible-believing Christians will NEVER accept your lies and propaganda for a sinful lifstyle which God Himself in the Bible condemns. Homosexulality is sin and no one is born with it. Your hatred of the church only reflects your own bias. I you want to promote this perversion you have a right to do so, but don't condemn others who choose to believe the Bible instead of your lies and distortion!

Posted by: Michael Davenport

This is one of the best opinion written concerning the ongoing pronunciation that homosexuality is a sin by the religious community.

Thank you Buzz for the ethical analysis, not from a religious perspective, but from a human spiritual view.

Nature will go on without the permission of human rules of religion. Nature is trustful because it continues without human control. Religion is nothing more than man-made organizations with all their human frailties which blinds them of getting what Jesus got!!

Serenity is in the power of balancing your spirit

Posted by: Carol A. Nickell

As a homosexual, I think it's safe to say that I know a thing or two on whether or not I choose to be gay or I was born this way. Most individuals that are quick to condemn homosexuality and homosexuals have probably not spent much time talking to homosexuals. It's humorous how these individuals claim to have expertise on homosexuality. Based on my experience, I know that I have not chosen to be gay. I, like so many others, made every attempt to lead a heterosexual lifestyle. Despite all of my efforts, I just couldn't lie to myself about who I really was. As a gay man, I happen to know lots of other gay men and lesbians. Most of us share very similar stories. I know homosexuals from all different family situations, socio-economic backgrounds, races, ethnicities, and nationalities. What we all share in common is that not one of us woke up one morning and decided to be homosexual. I truly believe that in time, history will once again paint a very dark picture of religion's near universal condemnation of homosexuality and the political leaders that chose to exploit this condemnation. Future religious believers will be asking themselves why religion would not accept that the world was round, why religion was used to justify slavery, why religion was used to ban interracial relationships, and why the world's religions condemned homosexuals and homosexuality.

Posted by: Enrique

What do you think? Make a comment!

*USATODAY

 

Overheard in the forest....

 

HEAD KNIGHT OF NI:
Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI:
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR:
Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT:
We are the Knights Who Say... 'Ni'!
RANDOM:
Ni!
ARTHUR:
No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!
HEAD KNIGHT:
The same!
BEDEVERE:
Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT:
We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee-wom'!
RANDOM:
Neee-wom!
ARTHUR:
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.
HEAD KNIGHT:
The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.
ARTHUR:
Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT:
Ni!
KNIGHTS OF NI:
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!...
ARTHUR:
Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
HEAD KNIGHT:
We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR:
Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT:
We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR:
A what?
KNIGHTS OF NI:
Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARTHUR and PARTY:
Ow! Oh!
ARTHUR:
Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT:
You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive.
ARTHUR:
O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT:
One that looks nice.
ARTHUR:
Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT:
And not too expensive.
ARTHUR:
Yes.
HEAD KNIGHT:
Now... go!

--Later--


ARTHUR:
O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT:
It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,... but there is one small problem.
ARTHUR:
What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT:
We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.
KNIGHTS OF NI:
Ni! Shh!
HEAD KNIGHT:
Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky- ecky- ecky- ecky- pikang- zoop- boing- goodem- zoo- owli- zhiv'.
RANDOM:
Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT:
Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR:
What is this test, O Knights of-- knights who till recently said 'ni'?
HEAD KNIGHT:
Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR:
Not another shrubbery!
RANDOM:
Ni!
HEAD KNIGHT:
Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
KNIGHTS OF NI:
A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!...
HEAD KNIGHT:
Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
[dramatic chord]
KNIGHTS OF NI:
A herring!
ARTHUR:
We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT:
Oh, please!
ARTHUR:
Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
KNIGHTS OF NI:
Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT:
Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word.
ARTHUR:
What word?
HEAD KNIGHT:
I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
ARTHUR:
How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS OF NI:
Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT:
You said it again!
ARTHUR:
What, 'is'?
KNIGHTS OF NI:
Agh! No, not 'is'.
HEAD KNIGHT:
No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'.
KNIGHTS OF NI:
No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.
BEDEVERE:
My liege, it's Sir Robin!
MINSTREL: [singing]
He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
ARTHUR:
Sir Robin!
ROBIN:
My liege! It's good to see you.
HEAD KNIGHT:
Now he's said the word!
ARTHUR:
Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL: [singing]
He is sneaking away and buggering up--
ROBIN:
Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT:
He said the word again!
KNIGHTS OF NI:
Aaaaugh!
ROBIN:
I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS OF NI:
Aaaaugh!
ROBIN:
Uh, here-- here in this forest.
ARTHUR:
No, it is far from this place.
KNIGHTS OF NI:
Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT:
Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...
ARTHUR:
Oh, stop it!
HEAD KNIGHT:
...we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!
ARTHUR:
Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT:
Wait! I said it! I said it!
[clop clop clop]
Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!
KNIGHTS OF NI:
Aaaaugh!...

*"Monty Python and The Holy Grail"

Journey Through The Known Universe

 

Journey Through The Known Universe - National Geographic Space Discovery Documentary 2017 Watch full screen for best results!

A Story and a Half

You will need a Kleenex but a must read...

In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket.

Their father was gone.

The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two.

Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared.

Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds.

He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries.

Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no food either.

If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it.

I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job.


The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small town.

No luck.

The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince who ever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job.

Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck stop.

It was called the Big Wheel.

An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids.

She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning.

She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start that night.

I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat for people.

I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night.

She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep

This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so we made a deal.

That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers, we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.

When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money-- fully half of what I averaged every night.

As the weeks went by, heating bills added a strain to my meager wage.

The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again every morning before I could go home.

One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires!

There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires.

Had angels taken up residence in Indiana ? I wondered.

I made a deal with the local service station.

In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office.

I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.

I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough.

Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids.

I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.

Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would be too far gone to repair.

On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. There were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe.

A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the pinball machine.

The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.

When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on Christmas morning, to my amazement, my old battered Chevy was filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes.

I quickly opened the driver's side door, crawled inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat.

Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box.

Inside was whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10!

I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans.

Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes. There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes.

There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items.

And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll.

As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude.

And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious morning.

Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop....

Disney Goes Gay

 

Click here to listen on YouTube.

THE WORLD IN ONLY SEVEN PICTURES

 

Only in China (swimming pool)


Only in Hawaii


Only in India


Only in Mexico


Only in Texas


Only In Thailand


And last, but not least

Only In America

The Birth of a Lizard

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! )

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . ...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife..

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that .. ...
I'm picturing you pulling on its . .. . its. . teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.


Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Squirrels vs. Church

 

There were five country churches in a small Texas town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In The Ba[tist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.


Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

R.I.P Ronnie Spector (1943 - 2022)

Ronnie Spector, the cat-eyed, bee-hived rock 'n' roll siren who sang such 1960s hits as Be My Baby, Baby I Love You and Walking in the Rain as the leader of the girl group the Ronettes, has died. She was 78.

Spector died Wednesday after a brief battle with cancer, her family said.

"Ronnie lived her life with a twinkle in her eye, a spunky attitude, a wicked sense of humour and a smile on her face. She was filled with love and gratitude," a statement said.

No other details were revealed.

The Longest Words in the English Language

 

Look at all those idiots

 

Smithers, (hm?) turn on the surveillance monitors
(Yes sir!) Hm. It's worse than I thought.
Each morning at nine, they trickle through the gates
They go home early, they come in late
Reeking of cheap liquor they stumble through the day
Never give a thought to honest work for honest pay
I know it shouldn't vex me
I shouldn't take it hard
I know I should ignore their capering with a kingly disregard, but

Look at all those idiots
Ooh, look at all those boobs.
An office full of morons
A factory full of fools
Is it any wonder that I'm singing, singing the blu-u-ues!

They make personal phone calls,
On company time.
They Xerox their buttocks,
And guess who pays the dime.

Their blatant thievery wounds me,
Their ingratitude astounds!
I long to lure them to my home,
And then release the hounds!

I shouldn't grow unsettled
When faced with such abuse.
I shouldn't let it plague me,
I shouldn't blow a fuse!

But, look at all those idiots,
ooh, look at all those boobs.
An office full of morons,
A factory fulll of fools.
Is it any wonder that I'm singing,
Singing the blu-u-ues.

What happened?Where are the instruments?
I believe they call this a breakdown, sir.
I can't have any breakdowns here!
What if there was an inspector around?
Play a guitar solo.
Oh,I'm a little out of practice, sir.
I said do it!!!So do it!!! do it!!! do it!!!
Yes sir.

(Guitar Solo)

Yes, excellent.Well done.
All right, it's beginning to grate.
That'll be sufficient, Smithers.
Excuse me?
I said that's enough!
Oh! Sorry sir.Thought I had my mojo working.
Humph.

That man by the cooler,
Drinking water, as if it's free.
Oh. That's Homer Simpson, sir.
A drone from sector 7-G.

Yes, well, call this Simpson to my office,
And stay to watch the fun.
If he's 6 feet when he enters,
He'll be two feet when I'm done.

It brings a ray of sunshine
To my unhappy life,
To make him kneel before me,
And slowly twist the knife.

Look at all those idiots
Ohh, look at all those boobs.
An office full of morons,
A factory full of fools.
Is it any wonder, that I'm singing,
Singing the blu-u-ues.

Take me home, sir.
I'm trying.

Surrounded by idiots,
Outnumbered by boobs.
An office full of morons,
A planet full of fools.
Is it any wonder, I'm singing,
Maybe you should be singing, sir.
Oh.Singing the blu-u-ues.

(Look at all those idiots.)
Mr. Burns, you, you make Muddy Waters sound shallow and
(An office full of morons.)
cheerful, by comparison.
Thank you, Smithers.Meaningless but
(Is it any wonder.)
heartfelt compliment.
I feel like I got a few things off my chest,
and onto the chests of my inferiors.
You did, sir .
(Look at all those idiots.)
Why are they still playing?
Um...
Office full of morons.)
They're not still on salary, are they?
We're not validating their parking, sir.

If You Were Gay - Starring Bert and Ernie

Definitely Not A Pointless Riddle

Riddles are little poems or phrases that pose a question that needs answering. Riddles frequently rhyme, but this is not a requirement.

Our usage dates back a long, long way. While among the first tools, our prototypes were bone and plant. Today we are usually made of steel.

We are related by design but not purposes, though sometimes we work well together, especially in the holding business.

We have relatives of different shapes and sizes. A hollow one is a real sticker and our Chinese cousins can be all over you.

In Great Britain we are a popular name for a pricking or tingling sensation, and to be on us in the U.S. is to be in a state of excessive uneasiness.

click here for answer

Let's Call BullS#!T

 

click on either picture to visit Let's Call BullS#!T.com