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Friday, March 31, 2006

Row over nuclear toys


An Italian toy maker has caused controversy by unveiling models of the atomic bombs dropped on Japan.

Bomb Toys

Brumm unveiled its £6 Little Boy and Fat Man 1:43 scale model bombs at the Nuremberg toy fair. Critics say the toys are in bad taste but a Brumm spokesman said: "We want to protest against the insanity of nuclear-war." More than 350,000 people were killed when the US bombed Hiroshima and Nagasaki at the end of the Second World War.

*Ananova

Thursday, March 30, 2006

33 Injured In Airbus Evacuation Drill


33 participants were injured Sunday in an evacuation drill of the new Airbus super-jumbo jet.


Airbus


One man broke his leg and 32 people suffered minor friction burns and other injuries during an exercise in which 853 people and 20 crew members practised the emergency drill.

These drills are standard practice in the aerospace industry as the airplane manufacturers strive to meet international safety regulations.

The United States, Europe, Canada and other countries will not approve a new airplane model unless the airplane meets strict evacuation times.

The manufacturers also fly new planes to harsh environments to prove they will work under a variety of conditions. The Airbus, the largest airliner in the world, was tested in Nunavut in the winter to show it will fly in the extreme cold.

Many manufacturers practise these evacuation routines ahead of the government tests, pushing the passengers to leave the airplane as quickly as possible. People are frequently hurt as they climb onto the airliner's wings, clamber through windows or tumble down exit chutes.

In this case, 873 employees of Germany's Lufthansa AG tumbled out of the huge double-decker airliner in 80 seconds, in the dark, well within the limits set by the European Aviation Safety Agency.

The EU wanted 650 people to exit the airplane in 90 seconds.

"That [test] was a very great success," Airbus manager Gustav Humbert told the Associated Press after the test.

What do you think?

Rob Rubberman
Rob Rubberman
Taxi Driver
"I'm sure panicking, untrained passengers will fare much better."

Cynthia Feldmeister
Cynthia Feldmeister
Greeting-Card Designer
"I blame the ‘Last one out is a rotten egg!’ instructions."

Ken Igottago
Ken Igottago
Systems Analyst
"I hope the victims got a bonus go on the slide."


Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Earth gets treated to solar eclipse


Solar Eclipse

Wednesday, a rare total solar eclipse where the moon completely blocks out the sun, occured over Brazil and extended across the Atlantic Ocean, Northern Africa, and Central Asia where it ends at sunset in Northern Mongolia. The next total eclipse,on August 1, 2008, will be seen in northern Canada, Greenland, Siberia, Mongolia and northern China. The next solar eclipse won't happen in the United States until 2017. Credit: NASA TV


This Sunday - 'The Simpsons' to unveil live-action opening song


The Simpsons (AP) Ever wonder what Bart Simpson would look like in human form? The longrunning animated Fox series "The Simpsons" is about to show you. The series will unveil a live-action opening sequence Sunday, 8 p.m. EST, a Fox spokeswoman announced Thursday. In it, the dysfunctional cartoon family — Bart, Homer, Marge, Lisa and Maggie — will be seen as they would appear in real life, played by lookalike actors. "I'm just amazed there are people who want to be known for looking like the Simpsons," said Al Jean, the show's executive producer, in a statement. A team from British network Sky One created and commissioned the live sequence, which apes the long-running series' memorable opening shots: Bart writing on the chalkboard, Homer pulling the nuclear rod out of his shirt and Maggie and Marge at the supermarket, a Fox spokeswoman said. "The Simpsons" was recently renewed for two more seasons, its 18th and 19th.

*Thanks, Daryn

Gas Prices...

... I went into the 7-11 gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt...

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Saturday, March 18, 2006

From The Emerald City


From The Emerald City

The Wizard is going to confer, converse, and otherwise hob-nob with my brother wizards. Therefore posting will be suspended until I return from the West. I do not anticipate any issues with The Wicked Witch as she has previously been melted by Dorothy Gale. I should start posting again on March 29th. In the meantime, please take some time to enjoy the archives. I bet that there are many posts that you haven't seen yet!

Yours,

The Wunnerfull Wizard of 'OZ'

The Wizard

Shame.. Shame on you, Microsoft!


Microsoft, Microsoft, Microsoft... I arrived at my computer last night after watching a movie, only to see that my computer had resarted and was sitting at the log-on screen. Why would it do that, I wondered... I logged in, hoping that I would not discover a virus that re-boots my machine.... After booting up there was a balloon in the tray that said: "Updates were installed that required an automatic restart of your computer" (Or close to that...) In the rush to push out a fix, did Microsoft override the administrator settings? I have my Windows update set to download, but ask for permssion to do the actual install. But much to my suprise.... Microsoft over-rode my setings.. even installed icons that I had previously removed. If they can do this.. what else can they do? All I can say is: "Be afraid. Be very AFRAID!" Bill Gatus of Borg

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Letterman said it...

Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses 

10. "Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm" 

9. "Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page" 

8. "Not enough Jim Beam" 

7. "Trying to stop the spread of bird flu" 

6. "I love to shoot people" 

5. "Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter" 

4. "I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me" 

3. "Excuse? I hit him, didn't I?" 

2. "Until Democrats approve medicare reform, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly" 

1. "Made a bet with Gretzky's wife"

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

The Snowdome


The SnowVolution concept is based on an innovative approach to indoor skiing. A snow covered rotating planar disc, up to 300 metres in diameter, is inclined at around 25 degrees and made up of 5 or 6 concentric rings each between 17 metres and 20 metres wide. Each of these rings is able to rotate independently in either direction around a static centre island at mean tangential speeds of up to 15 metres/per second.

Snowdome

Typically, adjacent rings would rotate in the same direction and be separated by a static or stationary ring, the remaining rings would rotate in the opposite direction. This arrangement spreads skiers and snowboarders across the whole width of the disc on both sides of the central zone leading to high levels of utilisation.

The SnowVolution concept of a snowdome represents a significant improvement over existing static ski slopes. Typical skiing time is greatly increased because there is no end to the skiing surface. Equally, many more skiers can be accommodated on the skiing surface adding greatly to revenues.

The SnowVolution design and engineering concepts are patented in all major World markets and 'SnowVolution' is registered as a Trade Mark and as a Domain Name. The SnowVolution intellectual property and product available for licensing comprises of six principal interdependent components:

* The SnowVolution Machine Specification
* The Architectural Schema
* Lighting, Visual and Multi-Media Specification
* Snow Management and Retention Systems
* Above Snow Environmental Management
* SnowVolution Operational Management and Procedures

The SnowVolution design and engineering concepts will remain under the control of SnowVolution Ltd in respect of any franchise or licensing arrangements entered into with developers or operators.

--morehttp://www.attractiondubai.com/theme-parks/dubai-snowdome.html--

A Linux PC you wear on your wrist


Amid all the recent talk of Origami and other ultramobile PCs comes news of a rather cool-looking little 7-ounce wrist-worn PC from the Eurotech Group. Definitely ultramobile, and apparently ultrawearable to boot. A Linux PC you wear on your wrist Credit: Eurotech Group The Eurotech WWPC (wrist-worn personal computer) runs Linux or WindowsCE, features standard PC interfaces such as WLAN, Bluetooth and USB and comes with audio mini-speakers, a direct-access keypad, touch-screen and built-in GPS receiver. Eurotech is targeting the indoor-outdoor product at people in potentially hard-core situations such as emergency rescue, security and health care. As such, according to press materials out on Tuesday, the wearable PC features a "tilt-and-dead reckoning system" that detects if the operator has been motionless for a certain length of time. Under these circumstances, a location beacon can be transmitted. The company says it guarantees operations for more than eight hours.


Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Happy π Day!!


Pi Day is an unofficial holiday held in honor of the mathematical constant π (Pi). Pi Day is observed on March 14; Pi day was invented by the University of Waterloo, which celebrates it annually by bestowing pie on its undergraduates. In addition, the businesses and commercial offices in the Richmond Hill area of Greater Toronto have started recognizing Pi day. The Pi-oneer, University of Waterloo graduate hopeful Elvin Wong, petitioned the university for months to implement a Pi day celebration. A 20 minute slice of time is taken starting from 1:59.

 Pi Day

March 14, written as 3-14 in the United States date format, represents the common three-digit approximation for the number π: 3.14. It is often celebrated at 1:59 p.m. in recognition of the six-digit approximation: 3.14159. Some, using a 24-hour clock, celebrate it at 1:59 a.m. or 3:09 p.m. (15:09) instead. Pi Day is celebrated in a variety of ways. Parties or other observances may be held by mathematics departments in educational institutions. Math or science clubs might gather to consider the role that the number π has played in their lives and to imagine the world without π. During such an event, pi celebrants may devise alternative values for π, eat pie, play piñata, drink Piña Colada, eat pineapple, listen to the song "Pi" by Kate Bush, or watch Pi. The shape of the pie is sometimes square, due to the pronunciation of the equation for the surface area bounded by a circle = πr2, i.e. "pie are squared."


Enthusiasts also note that the day happens to be Albert Einstein's birthday, in addition to other birthdays on this day. The renowned science and technology university Massachusetts Institute of Technology, known for its sometimes unconventional and quirky take on math, often mails out its acceptance letters to be delivered to prospective students on Pi Day. The "ultimate" pi moment[1] occurred on March 14, 1592, at 6:53 AM and 58 seconds. When written in American-style date format, this is 3/14/1592 6:53.58, which corresponds to the value of pi to twelve digits: 3.14159265358. However, considering this was well before any kind of standardized world time had been established, and the general public had no concept of π, the occurrence likely went unnoticed[2].

Saskatchewan's Mary MacIsaac dies at 112

Saskatchewan centenarian Mary MacIsaac never let her age slow her down. Skiing until age 108 and continuing to nourish her mind into her later years, the always witty 112-year-old had a simple motto. "The only thing that counts in life when it's over is what you've done for others," her son Ron MacIsaac recalled. MacIsaac, who died Friday of natural causes, lived that motto. She was believed to be the second-oldest woman in Canada. Born in Bay de Chaleur, N.B., on Dec. 27, 1893, as Mary Mac-Nair, she attended St. Francis Xavier University and spent her early teaching career at schools in Gull Lake, Mikado and Wolseley.


She met her future husband Jack MacIsaac in Wolseley. Two years later they married in Charlottetown, P.E.I., and settled in Prince Albert, where she continued to teach and the pair spent most of their lives.


The couple had five children.


MacIsaac taught high school Latin and physical education in Prince Albert and lectured occasionally at the University of Saskatchewan until 1997. She taught from 1919 to 1999.


MacIsaac, a strong matriarchal-type, was not afraid to wholeheartedly go after something that she believed in, daughter Mary Smith said.


"If you ever want to get anything done, get Mary MacIsaac, she'll get it done," a Prince Albert woman told a friend of Smith when she heard the legendary name.


And that's exactly what MacIsaac did.


She worked under Tommy Douglas in the 1960s to help form medical co-ops, including a co-op in Prince Albert, helped organized district libraries which allowed a higher quality of books to reach a greater number of people, and was a member of the Saskatchewan cancer commission, Ron MacIsaac said.


Beyond her public achievements, MacIsaac had a big heart and encouraging spirit.


In the 1930s, she fed people who jumped off freight trains and wound up at her doorstep asking for food.


"Very often when I was a kid, I was sitting in the kitchen eating with what we called a 'bum,' " Ron MacIsaac said.


The woman, who stopped driving after she accidentally drove on the wrong side of the road across Saskatoon's only bridge in 1918 or 1919, tutored students who couldn't afford to pay because she wanted them to finish school, Smith said. "She was her brother's keeper as they say. If somebody needed something and she was able to help, she did." MacIsaac's life, which spanned the death of Queen Victoria, the Boer War, the advent of computers, airplanes and televisions, the creation of medicare and the rise of Pope John Paul II, included friendships with notable individuals. Regular guests at her home included Grey Owl, the famous writer and wildlife conservationist, and Lucy Maud Montgomery, the author of Anne of Green Gables. In recent years, MacIsaac fought off kidney failure and pneumonia and was residing in St. Ann's home in Saskatoon. "She was very happy she had the five children she had," Smith said, reflecting on perhaps her mother's biggest accomplishment. "Meeting my husband was certainly my biggest success, I think," MacIssac told The Star-Phoenix in 2004. "We had wonderful children, who now tell me what to do." A funeral will be held for MacIsaac next week in Prince Albert and in Saskatoon.

*© The StarPhoenix (Saskatoon) 2006

Eagle's Nest


Eagle's Nest Eagle's Nest Eagle's Nest Eagle's Nest

These awesome pictures were taken near Comox, BC, Canada. Unfortunately no one knows who the photographer was. This is something few humans will ever be privileged to see.

*Thanks, Andy

Monday, March 13, 2006

Beware the ATM!



Click Here

Click above - This will open a window and you will have to allow the powerpoint to open (Or you can save it...) Then navigate either using your scroll wheel on your mouse or you can use your scrollbars if you do not have a wheel mouse...



*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Saturday, March 11, 2006

A message from Osama...


After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to
let him know he was still in the game.

Kennedy opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:



370HSSV-0773H


Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled back with this reply:

"Tell the FBI that Kennedy's holding the message upside down."


*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Transamerica

A Road Trip Worth Taking

Felicity Huffman is absolutely brilliant as a pre-op male to female transsexual forced to take a cross-country road trip with the son she never knew she had in the smart, touching dramedy, “Transamerica.”

A film that’s all about family, "Transamerica" deftly addresses a delicate topic without ever digressing into campiness or making a parody out of the film’s subject matter.

Writer/director Duncan Tucker sets the bar incredibly high with this his feature film debut. Tucker’s “Transamerica” takes the so-called normal dynamics of a family and adds a few delicious twists. A father receives a phone call informing him his son’s in a New York jail. Up until the phone call, the man had no idea he fathered a child.

That’s a twist we’ve seen before however in “Transamerica,” the long-lost dad is a transgender woman now named Bree who’s days away from having the genital operation which will in essence be the final step in the long process of becoming a woman.

Bree knows the only sexual dalliance she had in her life as a male was a misguided fling in college, and this teenage boy must be the result of that brief relationship. But that knowledge does nothing to settle her already frazzled nerves.

Locked up in NY, Toby (Kevin Zegers) has no idea his dad is a transsexual living in stealth mode, meaning no one outside of a couple of doctors know the person he thinks is his dad is not biologically a woman. Unsure of what to do, Bree confides in her therapist who in turn refuses to sign off on Bree’s surgery until she deals with the situation.

Arriving in New York from LA, Bree introduces herself to Toby as a church woman whose mission it is to help him get straightened out. Toby’s basically a good kid, he’s just had a hard life and has turned to hustling on the streets as well as doing drugs to get by. The two are about as unlikely a pair of traveling companions as could be dreamed up. As they journey from the East Coast to the West, their relationship goes from antagonistic to civil to something much deeper.


With the meaty role of Bree in “Transamerica,” Huffman gets the opportunity to spread her wings and soar. Huffman alters her voice, her walk, the way she carries herself, and with the assistance of some heavy duty makeup, gets lost inside this character. Huffman delivers a career-defining performance for which she’s earned nothing but praise.

Former “Air Bud” star Kevin Zegers transitions from kid roles to young adult with this performance. While all the attention has been focused on Huffman, Zegers’ no less outstanding. Playing a street hustler who wants to work in the adult film industry – or a pet store – Zegers is the key to making “Transamerica” work. One false move by Zegers as Toby and the story would have a ‘we’re winking at you’ feel. It doesn’t thanks to solid support from Zegers.

Delivering strong performances in supporting roles are Fionnula Flanagan as Bree’s high-strung mother, Burt Young as her more understanding father, and Graham Greene as a man who gives the traveling companions a lift when their car is stolen and who becomes infatuated with Bree - without knowing her history.


“Transamerica” caught me by surprise in a good way. At first unsure about the lead role being played by a female, I came to understand why the character of Bree needed to be played by a woman.

This is a surprisingly heartwarming movie and one of those rare films that leaves you wanting more. Where do Bree and Toby go from here? By the time the credits roll, we’ve become so involved in their lives that we want that question answered. How many movies can we say that about? To my way of thinking, far, far too few.


*Review by Rebecca Murray, Your Guide to Hollywood Movies

Monday, March 06, 2006

RAGE - The Gay Crusader


RAGE, The Gay Crusader
Click on the picture to read all about it!

Either use your 'Back' button to return to 'OZ' or click on the links at the bottom of the pages.

Brought to you by the letter "W"...

The Wizard has added an icon on the left hand side of 'OZ' called: 'Current Terror Alert'.




It is based upon the United States Terror Alert. It will change depending upon the real world scenario. Currently it is 'Level Bert' - which you notice, is yellow. This is the same colour that the Department of Homeland Security has at this time.

Please note: The characters have a special meaning --- the colours of the characters match the warning colour.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

From The Emerald City


From The Emerald City

The Wizard has updated the page template. Most of the archives are displaying properly, however, sometimes the pictures will interfere with the right margin. There is no easy way to fix this, (even with The Wizard's magic!!! :)... so bear with me.. as far as I know, it will only be affected when the pictures over 450 Pixels are near the top of the archive page. I will be publishing smaller pictures, but to change all the 'oversized' pictures would be a massive task that The Wizard is not willing to do. There are also issues with Internet Explorer. Works fine with FireFox (A better web browser) as well as Mozilla AND Opera... Hmmm what's that say about Microsoft? ANYWAYS...


This and many other problems, including security fixes is fixed in Internet Explorer 7. You can download the new version here.

To forward a post, click on the date below the post as seen below. Then copy the URL (address) into an email. (This used to be called the "Permanent Link")...

Permanent Link


Also, No posts today as I am tired of looking at my computer. Posting will resume tomorrow.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

New Exercise Routine for those over 40

You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program! SCROLL DOWN... NOW SCROLL UP.. ..... That's enough for the first day. Great job. Have some chocolate.

*Thanks, Daryn!

Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not  allow me to take a leave.  I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would  tell me to take a few days off. 

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.  My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?  I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was  "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
 
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out.  Go home and recuperate for  a  couple of days." 

I jumped down and walked out of the office. 

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where  do you think you're going?" ( You're gonna love this..... ) 

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.

Mamas don't let your babies...

The DC Cowboys
The DC Cowboys

An MP3 file ~1.3MB 96Kbps. Click above.
*Thanks, Jack!

Bert is evil!

Bert is Evil - Click here

Click above to see the proof!

Mugshot of Bert
Bert's Mug Shot

The Star-Trek Apartment

You know, we all say we'd like to have our own transporter rooms, but so few of us ever bother to make one. Interior design genius Tony Alleyne (www.24thcid.com) owes a tremendous debt to "Star Trek: The Next Generation," not only for inspiring his insanely wonderful apartment, but also for generating enough mainstream acceptance of the franchise to entice non Betazoid women through the door.

Alleyne used Vellman digital audio playback modules to provide authentic ST sound effects, plus Vossystems voice-activation gear and loads of AEI Security Systems remote controls. No word on whether he hires a flunky in a red shirt to stage spark-showered deaths at parties. Located in the neutral zone of Hincley, Leicestershire in the UK, Alleyne recently posted a stellar $1 million USD asking price for his unearthly domicile on eBay. Say, wasn't money supposed to disappear by the 24th century?

To view his apartment, click below:

click here

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Complete History of Jack Schitt


The Complete History of Jack Schitt. Click here

Click above to learn about Schitt

Use your 'Back' button to return to 'OZ'
Requires Flash

George Carlin's** new rules for 2006


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.



New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?



New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.



New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.



New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.



New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste.

Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.



New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.



New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.





New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.



New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.



New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."



New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.



New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.



New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.



New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.

After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.





New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.


** As pointed out in the comments, this is not by George Carln. See http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp
*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

The Cork Soaking Room


Giuseppe.....Horatio Sanz
Marcello.....Jimmy Fallon
Female Tourist.....Janet Jackson
Male Tourist.....Chris Parnell
Luigi.....Fred Armisen
Cork Soaker #1.....Seth Meyers
Cork Soaker #2.....Darrell Hammond
Monica.....Maya Rudolph
Carmella.....Rachel Dratch


[ open on footage of wine country ]

[ dissolve to interior, corking room, as Giuseppe enters with tour group]

Giuseppe: Right this way, folks. You're now entering.. the corking room. This is where.. the final step in the bottling process happens - where we prepare all the corks for all the bottles of Brunello that you saw earlier.

Marcello: Any questions? [ a hand is raised ] Yes?

Female Tourist: I've always actually wondered about that. How do you cork the bottles?

Marcello: Excellent-a question, ma bella. As you can see, we are -asoaking all of the corks in this room right now. These three guys right here are some of the most talented cork soakers! Say hello, you all cork soakers!

[ the three cork soakers turn around and wave happily to the tour group ]

Male Tourist: Now, I'm curious - how does one become a cork soaker.

Giuseppe: As we-a like-a to say, "Cork soakers are born, not made."

Marcello: Yeah. Luigi here was simply born to soak cork! Come say hi, Luigi!

Luigi: I love-a soaking the cork! I could-a soak the cork all night long, if they let me! I want to-a soak two corks at once!

Female Tourist: So.. are all corks the same?

Marcello: No, no, no..

Cork Soaker #1: I like-a to soak the big-a, thick-a corks!

Luigi: I like-a the long-a, skinny ones.

Cork Soaker #2: I like-a the dark-a ones.

Giuseppe: The great-a thing about the cork soaking, is that while you are-a soaking the cork, you can also.. massage-a the grapes, until the cork is ready. [ holds up a bunch of grapes ]

Marcello: That's right.

Female Tourist: [ stumbling, on the verge of cracking up ] So, how did you learn to sork.. corks -- suck -- soak corks?

Marcello: You know, I'll never forget the first time I soaked-a cork. I was fifteen, in-a summer camp.

Female Tourist: You know, I've noticed that all the cork soakers are men. Do women make good soakers?

Giuseppe: Oh, yes! Yes! Monica, Carmella - come in here!

Marcello: Come in here.

[ Monica and Carmella enter scene ]

Giuseppe: Monica.. tell-a these-a nice-a people.. how you soak the cork.

Monica: Well, ever since I started soaking cork, I'm the most popular girl in school!

Marcello: It's-a true - men come-a from all over just to watch her soak a cork. And Grandma Carmella still-a soaking cork at age 87! I got to say that, too!

Carmella: [ speaking with her gums ] It's crazy! Ever since I lost my teeth, people tell me I soak the cork better than ever!

Female Tourist: Wow, this soaking corks really seems like a family business. So.. does your wife like soaking.. [ laughing ] ..s-s-soaking cork?

Marcello: Well.. she used to, when we were dating. Now, not so much.

Male Tourist: Um.. could you teach me how to soak cork?

Giuseppe: You know.. when-a you walked in here.. I could-a sworn you already an expert cork soaker!

Male Tourist: [ flattered ] Thank you! I dabbled in college. Um.. but, let me ask you this - do you ever run out of corks to soak?

Marcello: Oh, yeah, I'll never forget this one that was unusually large. And I thought Giuseppe would need extra cork.

Giuseppe: And I thought Marcello would need more corks.

Marcello: So we soaked-a each other's corks at the same time! [ to Giuseppe ] Do you remember that?

Giuseppe: Can you imagine that? Me-a soaking his cork.. while-a he soaked mine?

Marcello: Oh, boy!

Giuseppe: What year was that?

Marcello: The year we soaked each other's corks?

Giuseppe: Yes.

Marcello: That-a was, what.. that was like, sixty.. late 60's, right?

Giuseppe: Yes.

Marcello: Sixty.. eight?

Giuseppe: I-a wanted to say.. 70.

Marcello: No.. you sure it wasn't one earlier than that?

Giuseppe: It was sometime or other..

Marcello: Let's just say between 68 and 70, alright?

Female Tourist: This is all really so fascinating. So, do you think that one of you could teach me how to soak.. soak.. [ laughing ] ..s-s-soak corks?

[ the cork soakers cheer excitedly, each rallying to be the one to teach the beautfiul tourist the art of their craft ]

Giuseppe: Oh, I'm sorry. Come with me, ma bella. I will let you soak-a my cork as long as you like!

[ they depart from the group ]

Marcello: Cheers! Cheers!

[ fade out ]

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline).


KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline).

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brain in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread stuck to the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Yes, Linda is a blonde.

*Thanks, Ken (I don't know you, but I loved the story! HYUK!