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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

80 Year Old Man..


At 80 years old, George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? 

Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "Yeah, God and me are tight. He knows that I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on, when I'm done (poof!) the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" 

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through (poof!) the light goes off?" Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God, he's peeing in the refrigerator again!"


The Peanut

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss one in the air, then catch it in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded only in pushing it in deeper. His wife tried to help, but after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. 

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. 

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. 

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful - isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

A Poem

 Around the corner I have a friend,
  In this great city that has no end,
  Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
  And before I know it, a year is gone.

  And I never see my old friends face,
  For life is a swift and terrible race,
 He knows I like him just as well,
  As in the days when I rang his bell.

 And he rang mine but we were younger then,
  And now we are busy, tired men.
  Tired of playing a foolish game,
  Tired of trying to make a name.

  "Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Randall
  Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
  But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
  And distance between us grows and grows.

  Around the corner, yet miles away,
  "Here's a telegram sir," "Randall died today."
  And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
  Around the corner, a vanished friend.

  Remember to always say what you mean.
  If you love someone, tell them.
  Don't be afraid to express yourself.
  Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you
 
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might be too late.
 
Seize the day.
Never have regrets.
 
And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family,
for they have helped make you the person that you are today.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The R.C.M.P. Musical Ride


I have been to the R.C.M.P. Musical Ride and was completely blown away by it. If you have never seen it, go! If you can't see it, take a look at this webpage. But it really doesn't do them justice.

RCMP Musical Ride. Click Here! 
Click above

Today's Cool Site...

Are your eyes playing tricks on you? From the website...

Optical illusions are fascinating. They trick your mind into seeing things that aren’t really there. Or sometimes you don’t see things that are there. These illusions are a favorite area of study for many psychologists. They help us understand how perception affects thought.

But, more importantly, they’re tons of fun! At today’s site, there are countless optical illusions. They’re arranged into different categories. Descriptions accompanying the illusions explain them. So you can find out why you’re seeing something. And sometimes the descriptions will help you find what you’re supposed to see.

I spent a considerable amount of time studying the illusions. Now I have a headache. So pace yourself – don’t look at all the illusions in one sitting.

TO VISIT THIS SITE, CLICK HERE.

The Sith who Stole Christmas


*Thanks, Ernie

Ad for snowblower on kijiji - Moncton CA

snow blower Do you like shoveling snow? Then stop reading this and go back to your pushups and granola because you are not someone that I want to talk to. Let’s face it, we live in a place that attracts snow like Magnetic Hill attracts cars, only that ain’t an illusion out there. 

That’s 12 inches of snow piling up and, oh, what’s that sound? Why it’s the snow plow and it’s here to let you know that it hates you and all the time you spent to shovel your driveway. Did you want to get out of your house today? Were you expecting to get to work on time? Or even this week? You gave it your best shot. You tried to shovel by yourself and I respect you for that. 

I did it, my parents did it, some of my best friends did it. But deep down inside, we all wanted to murder that neighbour with the snowblower who was finished and on his second beer while you were still trying to throw snow over a snowbank taller than you are. So, here we are. 

You could murder your neighbour, which could ensure that you won’t need to shovel a driveway for 25 to life, but there are downsides to that too. What to do? Here’s the deal. I have a snow blower and I want you to own it. I can tell you’re serious about this. It’s like I can almost see you: sitting there, your legs are probably crossed and your left hand is on your chin. Am I right? How’d I do that? The same way that I know that YOU ARE GOING TO BUY THIS SNOWBLOWER. 

I want you to experience the rush that comes with smashing through a snowdrift and blowing that mother trucker out of the way. The elation of seeing the snow plow come back down your street and watching the look of despair as your OTHER neighbour gets his shovel out once more while you kick back with a hot cup of joe (you don’t have a drinking problem like that other guy). Here’s what you do. You go to the bank. You collect $900. You get your buddy with a truck and you drive over here. You give me some cold hard cash and I give you a machine that will mess up a snowbank sumthin’ fierce. 

I’ve even got the manual for it, on account of I bought it brand new and I don’t throw that kind of thing away. Don't want to pay me $900? Convince me. Send me an offer and I'll either laugh at you and you'll never hear back from me or I'll counter. You want a snow blower. You need a snow blower. This isn’t some entry level snow blower that is just gonna move the snow two feet away. This is an 11 HP Briggs and Stratton machine of snow doom that will cut a 29 inch path of pure ecstasy. And it’s only 4 years old. I dare you to find a harder working 4 year old. 

My niece is five and she gets tired and cranky after just a few minutes of shoveling. This guy just goes and goes and goes. You know what else? I greased it every year to help keep the water off it and the body in as good as shape as possible. It's greasier than me when I was 13, and that's saying something. You know how many speeds it has? Six forward and two in reverse. It goes from “leisurely” slow up to “light speed”. 

Seriously, I’ve never gone further than five because it terrifies me. I kid you not, you could probably commute to work with it dragging you. You know what else is crappy about clearing snow in the morning? That you have to do it in the dark. Well, not anymore! It has a halogen headlight that will light your way like some kind of moveable lighthouse (only better, because lighthouses won’t clear your driveway). 

Oh, and since it’s the 21st century, this snow blower comes with an electric starter. Just plug that sucker in, push the button, and get ready to punch snow in the throat. If you want to experience what life was like in olden days, it comes with a back-up cord you could pull to start it, but forget that. 

The reason you’re getting this fearsome warrior was for the convenience, so why make it harder on yourself? By this point, you’re probably wondering why I would sell my snowblower since the first snowpocalypse is upon us today. I’ll tell you why: because I heard it was time for you to man up and harness some mighty teeth and claws and chew your way to freedom, that’s why. This is my snow blower. 

Make it your snow blower. 

UPDATE - I assure you that the snowblower is real, and it is still available. Do not despair if you have made an offer on this glorious tribute to man's triumph over nature and I have not responded yet, your time has yet to come. UPDATE 2 - It appears someone feels they have the courage to harness this snow siege weapon and blaze a divine path for all to follow this winter. Snowblower is sold, pending pick up, etc, etc.

*Thanks, Bright Eyes

Monday, November 28, 2011

The Hired Hand

A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. 

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. 

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. 

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." 

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."




Haha!

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." 

A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. 

The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said," I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." 

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. 

The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." 

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part aboutbeing an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

FREDDIE'S SURGERY

Freddie can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. 

Freddie asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. Freddie says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok. 

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later the gives Freddie the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". 

Freddie takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Freddie starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants. 

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Freddie says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."




Sunday, November 27, 2011

The Tomato Story (Received in an email....)

 An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor, has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work.

His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet?

Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also!

Newfie Birth Control

Note: For my non-Canadian reader's, a 'Newfie' is someone from Newfoundland...) 

Dear Doctor White Lard thunderin' jassssus bye, I'm at me wits end and I'm prayin' you'll operate on me so I can have me nuts cut off and make me sterile. Me reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 9 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are friggin' useless. 

After getting married here in Ganderbye, I was advised by the priest to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, me wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured meself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from dat, where do ye find a band when ye get the urge at two o'clock in the mornin'? 

Another doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we wus livin' with de in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks fer the safe period, when the 'ouse was empty. Needless to say dat didn't work, and da missus got pregnant again. Twins dis time. A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy... but da wife, well she got pregnant again. 

Another tale we 'eard was if da wife jumped up and down after intercourse dis would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk, stubbed 'er big toe, but she still got pregnant again. Jaaaaasus, 'nother set of twins. I asked the pharmacist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a big box. Me wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of dem tings over yer index finger could ever stop da missus from getting knocked up yet again. 

We tried the coil next but dat didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and me wife is definitely a right-hand screw. The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but the wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across 'er forehead. ...Ye can see me problems right? If I can't 'ave da operation I will 'ave to resort to oral sex, but lard jasssssus bye I can't believe dat talking bout it is any substitute fer the real ting. Do ye??


WoW! A Human Pretzel!


WoW! A Human Pretzel!

Little Johnny


An elementary school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said, "My family went to my Granddad's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating." 
 
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word "fascinate." 
 
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight." The teacher cried.

The Winter of your life


You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.   It seems just yesterday that I was a young guy, just married and embarking on my new life with my wife and son.   And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all...  And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams...   
 
But, here it is...the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go? And where did my youth go?   
 
I remember well...seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...   
 
But, here it is...separated...out of the closet and I move slower and I see an older man now. I'm overweight...but, I see the great change...   
 
Not the one that was once married who was dark and young and strong... others, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.   
 
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore...it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will...I just fall asleep where I sit!   
 
And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things.   
 
But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...This I hope, that when it's over...we have a loving Savior who has a plan for us  and we are assured salvation if we place our faith in Him .      
 
So, if your not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly!   
 
For remember that scripture?...our life is but a vapor, it vanished away...So, do what you can today, because you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!   
 
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life... so, live for God today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Hill-Billy Health

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. 

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. 

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

I'll take "Potent Potables" for $200, Alex

What is People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement?

What is Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it?

What is If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet?

What are The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals?

What is The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket?

What is To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely?

What is Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

What is Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai?

What is Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single?

What is Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween?

What is After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead?

Finally It's Done!

Something I know we all have been waiting for has finally happened! You can expect to hear from me even more frequently now! I Finally got the bathroom remodeled! 

This gives new meaning to "Going Online".

Survey results

A worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations. It had only one question:
 
"Please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world."
 
The survey was a huge failure.
 
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
 
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
 
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
 
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
 
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
 
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
 
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.




Friday, November 25, 2011

Take heed!


November message from Santa

Penis facts you may not know...


By Mike Zimmerman

1. There are two types of penises. One kind expands and lengthens when becoming erect (a grower). The other appears big most of the time, but doesn't get much bigger after achieving erection (a shower).

2. Smoking can shorten your penis by as much as a centimeter. Erections are all about good bloodflow, and lighting up calcifies blood vessels, stifling erectile circulation. So even if you don't care all that much about your lungs or dying young, spare the li'l guy.

3. No brain is necessary for ejaculation. That order comes from the spinal cord. Finding a living vessel for said ejaculation, however, takes hours of careful thought and, often, considerable amounts of alcohol.

4. Doctors can now grow skin for burn victims using the foreskins of circumcised infants. One foreskin can produce 23,000 square meters, which would be enough to tarp every Major League infield with human flesh.

5. An enlarged prostate gland can cause both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. If you have an unexplained case of either, your doctor's looking forward to checking your prostate. Even if you're not.

6. The average male orgasm lasts 6 seconds. Women get 23 seconds. Which means if women were really interested in equality, they'd make sure we have four orgasms for every one of theirs.

7. The oldest known species with a penis is a hard-shelled sea creature called Colymbosathon ecplecticos. That's Greek for "amazing swimmer with large penis." Which officially supplants Buck Naked as the best porn name, ever.

8. Circumcised foreskin can be reconstructed. Movable skin on the shaft of the penis is pulled toward the tip and set in place with tape. Later, doctors apply plastic rings, caps, and weights. Years can pass until complete coverage is attained. . . . Okay, we'll shut up now.

9. Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself oral pleasure. It's estimated, however, that all 400 have given it their best shot at some point.

I can't stop thinking about self-sucking!
10. Are you a grower or a shower: An international Men's Health survey reports that 79 percent of men have growers, 21 percent have showers.

11. German researchers say the average intercourse lasts 2 minutes, 50 seconds, yet women perceive it as lasting 5 minutes, 30 seconds. Are we that good or that bad?

12. Turns out size does matter: The longer your penis, the better "semen displacement" you'll achieve when having sex with a woman flush with competing sperm. That's according to researchers at the State University of New York, who used artificial phalluses (ahem) to test the "scooping" mechanism of the penis's coronal ridge. Next up: curing cancer.

13. The penis that's been enjoyed by the most women could be that of King Fatefehi of Tonga, who supposedly deflowered 37,800 women between the years 1770 and 1784 -- that's about seven virgins a day. Go ahead, say it: It's good to be king.

14. Better-looking men may have stronger sperm. Spanish researchers showed women photos of guys who had good, average, and lousy sperm -- and told them to pick the handsomest men. The women chose the best sperm producers most often.

15. The most common cause of penile rupture: vigorous masturbation. Some risks are just worth taking.

Research by the editors of Men's Health Germany

*wanderings.net

Oh Come NOW! WTF??


image of Jesus on backside of dog Dog spelled backwards....

Semen. The Other White Milk.



*Graphic from http://www.popjolly.com/

Thursday, November 24, 2011

So sayeth those who feel The Doctor is not the best soda in the World...



 ... WHICH, BY THE WAY IT IS THE BEST SODA IN THE WORLD!!

See No...Speak No...Hear No....


The Best Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the  rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him top  prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.
 
 
 
 He went home and told his wife Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." Mary states, "Did ya now...and what was your toast?"
 
 
 
 
 John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
 
 Mary says "John, that is very nice indeed."
 
 
 
 The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
 
 
 
 Mary says, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years...once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to get him to come!"



Vacation

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.

Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde....it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out.

My coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Tim Horton's Coffee Shop

MaxineI was in Timmy’s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me! And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod……… and how was your day?

*Thanks, Dwight

What would you do????????

The producers of this beer commercial borrowed a small 150 seat cinema playing a popular film, and filled 148 of its seats with rough-looking, tattooed bikers, leaving only two free seats in the middle of the theater. They then allowed theater management to sell tickets for the last pair of tickets to several young couples.

What would you do?

Watch till the end .....

Go to video at theinspiration.com

*Thanks, Dwight

TROY - The Latest Strip


This a gay-themed comic
--Wizard's Note: I have updated all the TROY posts to reflect Michael Derry's new domain. Links are no longer broken-- Click Here Then choose 'Current Strip' Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.

The new comic, Troy #293, A Day in the Life, is out and up online. Just a few random events in a day in the life of Troy and the boys. And you can find Michael's books and ebooks for sale at TROY Tooner.


Apple iHole


Apple has always been an innovator, so we’re not totally shocked by the idea of the iHole, the world’s first “totally hands-free mobile device.” Then again, we’re thankful it’s a parody.
*Thanks, Ernie

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

The Laundromat

An ordinary man was at the laundry mat cleaning his clothes like everybody else.

All of a sudden he smelt a horrible odor.

He realized the clothes he was wearing were dirty too!

So he took off all his clothes and stuck them in the wash.

Sitting there buck naked he pulled out a cigarette. Before he could light it up two incredibly hunky blondes walk through the door.

He was in shock! Embarrassed, he made like he was a statue.

The two blondes came over too him, the first one pulled his crank and the cigarette came falling out of his hands. He said, "Oh look! It's a cigarette dispenser."

The other blonde then tried the same thing, but no cigarette came out so he kept on pulling and pulling and pulling.

Finally he said, "No silly it's not a cigarette dispenser it's a lotion dispenser!"
 

Vanity Plates





Three Hymns


One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.



After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.



A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.



Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,

"I'll take him


and him


and him!


Art by Steve Walker


Someone to be loved

Someone To Be Loved
Click on the picture to goto his facebook fansite website. Tons of homoerotic pictures available.


BIOGRAPHY: Drawing is one of Steve Walker's earliest childhood memories. He recollects drawing pictures from about the age of three or four years old. Drawing came naturally to the Toronto artist, and his love of the art form continued into his adulthood. As a self taught artist, Walker only began painting after a trip to Europe when he was 25 years old. During the trip, he spent much of his time in Europe touring the great galleries and museums. In his words it was the first time he was exposed to great painting, and the first time he recognized the potential power of the art form. "I was moved by something that I was capable of doing," he said. His first paintings were done in a somewhat secretive way, as he had no intention of exhibiting or selling, and had no aspirations of becoming a professional artist.

Producing art about his life and the lives of those around him is as natural to Walker as his first childhood drawings. As a gay man, Walker is acutely aware that he is living during a period of history that is both the best of times and the worst of times. There is more freedom and acceptance for gay men and women, while at the same time AIDS has devastated the gay population.

But Walker's paintings are not about gay people or homosexuality. He describes his art as being about love, hate, pain, joy, touch, communication, beauty, loneliness, attraction, hope, despair, life and death. His art includes universal themes regardless of race, gender, socio-economic class, culture or sexual orientation. However, his work is unique because he conveys these themes through the subjects in his paintings, young gay men. "Remove the gender of the painting's subjects and what we have is human relationships in general, and one's relationship to the world itself," he said. "As a homosexual I have been moved, educated, and inspired by works that deal with a heterosexual context. Why would I assume that a heterosexual would be incapable of appreciating work that speaks to common themes in life, as seen through my eyes as a gay man. If the heterosexual population is unable to do this, then the loss is theirs, not mine."

If Walker were an abstract painter or a landscape artist, he says his sexual orientation wouldn't matter. But since his paintings are about gay life, his sexual orientation becomes more important than his cultural background, age, or nationality.

The focus of his paintings often depict sadness and loneliness to reflect the reality that much of anyone's life is sad and lonely. Walker often portrays people in relationships as separate entities because that is the way he views them. He also uses a small and consistent palette of colours because he is comfortable with them and the colours provide the desired results. "Colour is very powerful and a little can go a long way if used effectively," he said. "Some colours are very exciting to me, while others are quite offensive. Painting flesh is very exciting because of the huge variations possible within a very small colour range."

Walker's artworks are very large, always measuring 36" by 48". He creates large paintings because he believes that a large image is more appealing than a smaller one. "Whether it's a television screen, cinema screen, or an image in a magazine, the size of the image connotes a degree of importance," he said. Walker said belonging to an oppressed minority group has been a driving force in creating his art. "Any minority wants and needs to find artistic voices that reflect their own personal situations, and, in doing so, validate and record their lives and cultures for themselves, and for the larger world," he said.

Walker said he experiences many small rewards during the creative process. "After hours of painting, I stand back and look at something that wasn't there before -- a hand, face, or piece of fabric will exist where there was once a blank canvas," he said.

As an artist, Walker said it's exciting to be working at a point in history where there is an audience ready to appreciate and consume his creations. "It is very rare to find success as an artist in your lifetime," he said. "My work will be around long after me, but seeing it affect people at the time that I am creating it is very rewarding."

In recent years Steve Walker's work has been exhibited in galleries in Toronto, Montreal, New York, Philadelphia and Key West.

The gay community of North America has responded very positively to Walker's art. "I am very aware of the appreciation from a group of people who recognize the time, energy and talent devoted to a body of work that speaks specifically to them but at the same time exists in the larger world that we all live in," he said.

&#185 ho·mo·e·rot·ic ( hō ' mō-ĭ-rŏt ' ĭk ) adj. Of or concerning homosexual love and desire. Tending to arouse such desire.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Taxidermist

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? You must drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. He mounts animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!"

Hearing test...

An elderly gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing  checked. The doctor made an appointment for a hearing testv in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
 
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
 
That evening the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.
 
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.
 
Next he moved into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again he gets no response.
 
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again there is no response.
 
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
 
 
(I just love this!)
 
 
 
 
"Dang it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN !!

Visit To The Art Gallery

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Scotsman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Optical Illusions!


Optical Illusion by fairuM
Click here.

Granny's Cures

Did You Know That Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers." OR...


Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns. OR..


Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose. OR...


Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles. OR...


Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria. OR...


Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use. OR...


Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight. OR...


Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again. OR...


Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them. OR...


Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done. OR...


Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly. OR...
 

Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue. OR...


Hunt's tomato paste boil cure...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head. OR...


Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine... a powerful antiseptic. OR...


Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process. OR...


Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas. OR...


Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh. OR...


Eliminate ear mites.... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing. OR...


Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain. OR...



These may all work. Granny's Tonic guaranteed to make you forget that you ever had the problem in the first place!!

Acetaminophen

All drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.     

Example:  The trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen ... Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of "government experts", it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.  

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.


Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.  

I've always been a Pepsi fan, and now I think I know why!!!

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2021, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. 

Saturday, November 19, 2011

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My partner and I broke up over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; --I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard --Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.


11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.


16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?


21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.


26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

NOTICE!


FedEx Dominoes

Now I know why my Fedex package is late. The staff are all animals putting up boxes that act like Dominoes.


*Thanks, Ernie

"Senior Quiz"

The answers are below, but don't cheat.

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that Masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." "What did he leave behind?

02. When the Beatles first came to the US in early 1964, we all watched them on the ______________________show.

03. Get your kicks, _______________.

04. The story you are about to see is true. The Names have been changed ____________________.

05. In the jungle, the mighty jungle,_________________________.

06. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the _________________________.

07. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestle's makes the very best, _______________.

08. Satchmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was, ____________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?__________________.

10. Red Skeletons hobo character was ________________________. and he always ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and _____________________________."

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning Their_________________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front, was called the VW. What other names did it go by? __________________ & _____________________.

13. I n 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died." This was a tribute To__________________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into Orbit. The Russians did it; it was called
_____________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it was called The ___________.




Answers:

01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan show.
03. Route 66
04. to protect the innocent
05. The Lion sleeps tonight.
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate.
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch.
10. Freddie the freeloader, and "Good night, and may God Bless."
11. draft cards (the bra was also burned)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. sputnik
15. hoola-hoop

 
Send the 'Permanent Link" to your friends. It will drive them crazy! And, keep them occupied for several minutes

Friday, November 18, 2011

New Car Ad

This is a new ad for a special hybrid car. Definitely worth a look see! Click here.

The Star Trek Apartment - I WANT One!!

You know, we all say we'd like to have our own transporter rooms, but so few of us ever bother to make one. Interior design genius Tony Alleyne (www.24thcid.com) owes a tremendous debt to "Star Trek: The Next Generation," not only for inspiring his insanely wonderful apartment, but also for generating enough mainstream acceptance of the franchise to entice non Betazoid women through the door.

Alleyne used Vellman digital audio playback modules to provide authentic ST sound effects, plus Vossystems voice-activation gear and loads of AEI Security Systems remote controls. No word on whether he hires a flunky in a red shirt to stage spark-showered deaths at parties. Located in the neutral zone of Hincley, Leicestershire in the UK, Alleyne recently posted a stellar $1 million USD asking price for his unearthly domicile on eBay. Say, wasn't money supposed to disappear by the 24th century?

To view his apartment, click below:

click here

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Forrest Gump in Heaven

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at The Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
 
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering An entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
 
Forrest responds, "It sure is Good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
 
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the  questions over, Tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can  you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

TRUISMS & THOUGHTS FOR TODAY ......

-SAVE THE WHALES.  COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
 
-A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
 
-ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
 
-I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT.  IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
 
-42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.

-99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
 
-I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
 
-HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
 
-REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
 
-HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST.
 
-DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
 
-THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.
 
-I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
 
-SUPPORT BACTERIA.  THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
 
-MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
 
-A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
 
-CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
 
-GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE.  IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!  

-PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
 
-ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
 
-IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
 
-HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
 
-OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
 
-HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
 
-IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
 
-WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
 
-HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE.  LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
 
-EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY.  SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
 
-IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?
 
-HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
 
-EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
 
-WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
 
-I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
 
-I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES,SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.

-WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?

-INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.

-JUST REMEMBER - IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.

-LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.

Battle of the Brick, Built for Combat (Complete Film)(Lego Halo Animation)

*Thanks, Ernie

Public toilet seats - why the gap in front?

Men are pigs when they pee Q: Why are public toilet seats always "U" shaped?

Public toilets are designed the way they are for the obvious reason: men are pigs. In particular, they splash, and when they're out of the house and away from the restraining influence of their families, they splash even more — and they don't wipe up. The relevant male apparatus being in the front, this makes the front of the toilet seat (particularly the underside) pretty gross — or rather, it would make it gross, if toilet-seat makers hadn't been shrewd enough to head the problem off at the pass. Who the unsung genius was who started this practice we may never know, but it's now embodied in industry standards. Cecil was chatting with Shabbir Rawalpindiwala, chairman of the toilet-seat committee for the American National Standards Institute, and he told me that after months of solemn deliberation, he and his fellow intellectuals had definitively set the design of public (and private) toilet seats for all time, ensuring that our grandchildren will have U-shaped public potty seats too. (Actually, Shabbir heads the Committee on Synthetic Organic Materials in Plumbing Fixtures, but it'll always be the toilet-seat committee to me.) One small step for a man, another giant leap for mankind. — Cecil Adams

*TheStraightDope