Newfie Birth Control

Note: For my non-Canadian reader's, a 'Newfie' is someone from Newfoundland...) 

Dear Doctor White Lard thunderin' jassssus bye, I'm at me wits end and I'm prayin' you'll operate on me so I can have me nuts cut off and make me sterile. Me reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 9 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are friggin' useless. 

After getting married here in Ganderbye, I was advised by the priest to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, me wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured meself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from dat, where do ye find a band when ye get the urge at two o'clock in the mornin'? 

Another doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we wus livin' with de in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks fer the safe period, when the 'ouse was empty. Needless to say dat didn't work, and da missus got pregnant again. Twins dis time. A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy... but da wife, well she got pregnant again. 

Another tale we 'eard was if da wife jumped up and down after intercourse dis would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk, stubbed 'er big toe, but she still got pregnant again. Jaaaaasus, 'nother set of twins. I asked the pharmacist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a big box. Me wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of dem tings over yer index finger could ever stop da missus from getting knocked up yet again. 

We tried the coil next but dat didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and me wife is definitely a right-hand screw. The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but the wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across 'er forehead. ...Ye can see me problems right? If I can't 'ave da operation I will 'ave to resort to oral sex, but lard jasssssus bye I can't believe dat talking bout it is any substitute fer the real ting. Do ye??