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Tuesday, July 30, 2019

From The Emerald City

From The Emerald City

The Wizard is going to confer, converse, and otherwise hob-nob with my brother wizards.. Posting will resume on Friday. In the meantime check out the archives, so much to see!

The Wizard of 'OZ'

This sums up LIFE...so beautifully...

Drunk

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Wise Words


Be Wise

Be Wise!Conserve Water

To conserve water: Do not run water while brushing your teeth. It is unnecessary to waste water while brushing your teeth. Only run the water when rinsing your brush. It is a habit one can acquire easily and can be done for the rest of your life!

Be Wise!
LIGHT THE WAY

Perhaps the best way to motivate others is to cast a beam ahead to where they already want to go but didn‘t know where it was or how to get there.

Be Wise!Temptation

Opportunity may knock only once but

temptation bangs on your front door for ever.

- ANON -

Be Wise!Conformity

Conformity is jailor of freedom and the enemy of growth.

- John F. Kennedy -

Be Wise!The Wisdom of Not Judging

When we are intolerant, we are ignorant.

When we tolerate we are informed.

When we find nothing to tolerate, we are mature.

Be Wise!Happiness

Don't use your yardstick to measure other people's happiness.

T.V. Trivia - Triple Tube!



TV Trivia

LIFE IMITATES TV


On a 2010 episode of Desperate Housewives, Renee (Vanessa Williams) and Gabrielle (Eva Longoria) talk about past loves, and Renee quips, “Never marry a basketball player.” It’s an inside joke: Williams was once married to NBA star Rick Fox; at the time, Longoria was married to NBA star Tony Parker … until she filed for divorce a few days after the episode aired.
Agent Cooper on Twin Peaks was named after mysterious plane hijacker D. B. Cooper.

TV Trivia

OFF THE RAILS


What the heck happened to Family Matters?
Family Matters was a spin-off from the sitcom Perfect Strangers, centered around the Winslows, a middle-class African-American family in Chicago. But midway through the first season, the Winslows’ nerdy teenage neighbor, Steve Urkel, appeared in an episode and became a pop-culture phenomenon. Before long, Urkel was everywhere—his catchphrase “Did I do that?” adorned T-shirts, and stores were deluged with talking Urkel dolls and Urkel-Os breakfast cereal. By season six, the family sitcom had become a science-fiction show. Most episodes revolved around Urkel inventing crazy contraptions, including a time machine (to transport himself to a pirate ship) and a cloning device (to make a cool clone of himself named Stefan Urquel). By season nine, it was canceled.
First TV theme song to reach #1 on the Billboard chart: “The Theme from S.W.A.T.” (1976).


TV Trivia

TV TERMS


OVERSCANNING: When a broadcaster sends out a television signal, the image is designed to be a little larger than a TV screen, so it fills the entire screen. On some older TVs, as much as 10 percent of the image couldn’t be seen.
ZAPPING: Changing channels when a commercial comes on.
ZIPPING: Fast-forwarding through commercials while viewing a prerecorded show.

COLD OPEN: When a TV show goes right into the program before the title or opening credits appear, then runs the title and credits a few minutes later (or has no opening sequence at all). It’s a device used to get viewers interested in the show before they have a chance to change the channel.
Studies show: TV is the third most talked-about subject, after “cost of living” and “family.”

Russian Truck Driver

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners


A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labor the doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labor pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this. So the doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a lot more" so the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "why don’t you just put it all on me cause I’m not feeling a thing" but the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if your not prepared", and the husband replied "I am ready "so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn’t fell a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labor, but when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

HYUK!

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

HYUK!

Job Interview Question

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

HYUK!

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

HYUK!

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me?

The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

HYUK!

A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."

The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" "Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?" "I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."

clapping

ARAPROSDOKIANS

ARAPROSDOKIANS... (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations.
Trains stop in train stations.
On my desk is a work station .

11. I thought I wanted a career.
Turns out I just wanted the paycheck.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify:” I put 'DOCTOR."

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman.
Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.

Finally:

27. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Monday, July 29, 2019

One day, out in the country...

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.

"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"

"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?"

"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

Here are a few great ideas....


a great idea!

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Must be the grease!
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Truly Unique Furniture - Regency Shop

Yowza! Yowza! Yowza! Really radical furniture!


Take a look at these wild items... 
Click on any image to go to RegencyShop.com and for sales information and many more very unique items!


















From Regency Shop's website:

We ensure that the our manufacturers only meet or exceed our high quality standards. only the best manufacturers and spend a lot of time and resources finding manufacturers that meet or exceed quality standards. Our modern furniture line consists of chairs, sofas, loveseats, loungers, tables and accessories for individuals, design professionals and corporations of all sizes. We are committed on bringing you tremendous value into the marketplace. 

RegencyShop.com 

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?


1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we 've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?




2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.




3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!




4. Rottweiler: Make me.



5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.




6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!




7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.




8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. (how true)!




9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!




10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.




11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."




12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?




13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...




14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.



How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?



Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:




"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"


ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!