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Thursday, March 31, 2016

10 Extremely Strange Body Modifications or... why can't I get a job????

somehow these other ones actually make a living after the modifications

How Did Batman Go From Being Fun and Gay to Sad and Boring?

By Tyler Coats, Esquire.com

The caped crusader's evolution has left him—and us—completely joyless.​
Batman, then and now

I've never seen a more unremarkable Batman (or Bruce Wayne) than the one on display in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Ben Affleck, who might be as humorless as they come, manages to make the beloved hero a boring, annoying drip of a man, and the Batsuit, which looks more like a tank than an outfit, transforms the vigilante into a terrifying machine. I suppose that's the point here—can this Batman be trusted? Can any hero with superhuman powers? Batman v Superman reduces our chances of having any fun by making the heroes the bad guys: two emotionally fragile white guys who bicker with each other instead of using their supposed intellect to figure out that they're actually on the same side.

read more at esquire.com

10 Terrifying Cases of Demonic Possession

demon on ceiling
by Beverly Jenkins, Strange Stories

Are demons real? Though evil spirits possessing the body of a hapless human victim seems like the stuff of science fiction, the possibility of being possessed by demons is, in fact, a common belief held by religions around the world. Even the Christian Bible alludes to demonic possession more than thirty times, including several cases of Jesus "casting out demons" from people. Most religions offer prayers, spells, or incantations that are used to remove these invading spirits via exorcism rituals.

As hard as it may be to believe, countless accounts by victims and witnesses dating back to ancient times are hard to ignore. Let's explore ten cases of truly scary and, by all accounts, real demonic possession.

Note: For most of these cases, there are no photographs for us to share with you here. We have used images from movies and other sources to illustrate this post.

1. Clara Germana Cele
In 1906, Clara Germana Cele was a Christian student at St. Michael's Mission in Natal, South Africa. For some reason, Cele prayed and made a pact with Satan when she was sixteen years-old, and just days later, Cele was overtaken by strange impulses. She was repulsed by religious artifacts like crucifixes, she could speak and understand several languages of which she had no previous knowledge, and she became clairvoyant regarding the thoughts and histories of the people around her.

Nuns who attended to Cele reported that she produced horrible, animalistic sounds; she also levitated up to five feet in the air. Eventually, two priests were brought in to perform an exorcism. Cele tried to strangle one of the priests with his stole, and over one hundred and seventy people witnessed her levitating as the priests read Scripture. Over the course of two days, the rites of exorcism successfully drove the dark spirits from her body. (Source | Photo)

--more at StrangeStories.com

Why do people call themselves 'gay'?

by Seb Buckle, Pink News
Gay Pride
(Photo by Malcolm Clarke/Keystone/Getty Images)
As LGBT History Month begins [ was February ], historian and author Sebastian Buckle looks at ‘gay’ – and how homosexuality went from an act to a way of life in Britain.

On July 27, 1967 the Sexual Offences Act received royal assent, signalling that sex between men was no longer a criminal offence – but only under certain circumstances.

The new law only applied in England and Wales (Scotland and Northern Ireland would have to wait until 1980 and 1982 respectively); it did not include any man working in the armed forces or the merchant navy; and it only applied to men over the age of 21, in private, with no more than two people present.

Female homosexuality was not decriminalised at the same time simply because it had never been a criminal offence.

One of the key Parliamentarians responsible for the new law, Lord Arran, issued a stark warning to those men he had helped emancipate:

“I ask those who have, as it were, been in bondage and for whom the prison doors are now open to show their thanks by comporting themselves quietly and with dignity. This is no occasion for jubilation; certainly not for celebration. Any form of ostentatious behaviour; now or in the future any form of public flaunting, would be utterly distasteful and would, I believe, make the sponsors of the Bill regret that they have done what they have done.”

But despite this, the act instead helped legitimise and offer further impetus to changes that were already underfoot, changes which would have a huge impact on the way modern Britain understood homosexuality in the decades ahead.

Pre-war Britain defined people based on signifiers including gender, class, religion, and ethnicity.

Sex was a private matter which rarely featured in public discourse. Men and women were of course having sex with members of their same sex – as they have been for as long as humanity has existed – but they did so in secret.

Medical professionals may have described them as homosexual, as might have some more well-read individuals, but this remained a medical category.

Others may have called them queer, but this was a pejorative term to label a minority of people. To define men and women by their sexual preference simply did not exist.

Your identity – how you thought of yourself and how others thought about you –could not be based on sexuality in a society where sex was rarely spoken about.

But the Second World War was the catalyst that helped change this. The war displaced families, sent young soldiers across the country (and the world), and gave women new roles in the workplace for the first time.

All while the impending threat of total war hung over a frightened population. People became exposed to new ideas and ways of living, and ended the war fundamentally changed by it, ready to build a new kind of society which they had fought so hard for.

The Gay Liberation Front – born in the Stonewall riots of 1969 in New York – emerged in Britain in 1970 and began a political and social campaign which at its heart rested on the premise that gay people should live open lives, free from persecution in what they hoped would be a fundamentally changed society.

Magazines had already begun to use the American term “gay”, which deliberately rejected medicalised terminology in favour of a word which by definition meant happy. Indeed, the rights movements of the twentieth century relied on invoking an identity politics which defined a class of people who sought freedom.

In the decades where sex and gender became topics fit for public discussion, the sixties and seventies saw sexuality enter the lexicon.

In doing so newspapers and magazines began writing about this new type of “gay” person, while men and women began living openly “gay” lives for the first time.

Slowly, people who were sexually attracted to members of their own sex started to define themselves – and be defined by others – as gay. This was more than just a label of sexual preference; crucially, it became a label of identity.

It defined who you were as the foremost category of identity. Gender, class, ethnicity all continued to matter, of course, but now sexuality too, became a signifier of who you were as a person.

The Gay Liberation Front never managed to change society in the way that it hoped, but instead left a legacy in the form of new ways of understanding people. We now live in a world where individuals are categorised by their sexuality. Calling someone gay does not just mean saying that they are sexually attracted to members of their same sex.

It means giving them an identity which invokes a plethora of meanings that at its heart rests on a way of life distinct from heterosexuality. Although these meanings seem constant, they are in fact always changing and dependent upon an individual’s exposure to ideas drawn from the media, the law, and the social lives of those around us.

Without creating this gay identity it would have been difficult, if not impossible, to fight for the legal rights which now offer almost parity with heterosexuality in the UK.

But while those new labels of identity certainly helped liberate generations of men and women who were able to define themselves and their feelings in a way that they and other people understood, they also helped demonise those same groups. HIV/AIDS, Section 28, and promiscuity were just some of the negative associations with being gay in Britain throughout the last few decades.
Early HIV article
But society now appears to be on a precipice where, for many, sexuality no longer exclusively defines who you are. In this new world of multiply identities sexuality is only one of many ways to define yourself, and calling yourself gay increasingly carries less and less meaning beyond the gender of your sexual partner.

In this new world the way we understand and use the word gay may shift on its head, losing the meaning and identity conferred on it from the 1970s onwards. But it is only by understanding the origins of the labels we so often use to define ourselves and others that we can begin to think about how we really want to be defined, and how we want to define others.

Sebastian Buckle is the author of The Way Out: A History of Homosexuality in Modern Britain.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Testicle Festival

Earl Hamner Jr., creator of 'Waltons' TV show, dies at 92

Earl Hamner Jr
Earl Hamner Jr. in Richmond, Va., on April 3, 2013. (Richmond Times-Dispatch, Bob Brown / AP)
John C. Rogers, The Associated Press

LOS ANGELES -- Earl Hamner Jr., the versatile and prolific writer who drew upon his Depression-era upbringing in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia to create one of television's most beloved family shows, "The Waltons," has died. He was 92.

Hamner died in Los Angeles and had recently been battling pneumonia, said Ray Castro Jr., a friend of Hamner's who produced a documentary, "Earl Hamner Storyteller," about the writer. Castro said he learned about Hamner's death from the writer's daughter, Caroline. A Facebook post by Hamner's son, Scott, stated his father died surrounded by family at Cedars Sinai Hospital while John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High" was playing.

Although best remembered for "The Waltons," which aired for nine seasons and won more than a dozen Emmys, that show barely scratched the surface of Hamner's literary accomplishments.

He was a bestselling novelist ("Spencer's Mountain"), the author of eight episodes of the classic 1960s TV show "The Twilight Zone" and, as a screenwriter, adapted the popular children's tale "Charlotte's Web," into a hit 2006 film. He also created the popular, long-running TV drama "Falcon Crest" and wrote for such other TV shows as "Wagon Train," "Gentle Ben" and "The Wild Thornberrys."

Castro said Hamner remained busy in recent years, and had recently sold a play. "He was a great Southern gentleman, a great friend, a great father," Castro said. "He was my mentor. America has truly lost a great icon."

Hamner published nearly a dozen books and wrote hundreds of TV scripts. He continued to write into his 90s, once noting proudly that the same month he turned 90 he had two stories published in separate collections.

One, "Come Down to the Store, Minerva," appeared in the horror anthology "Shadow Masters: An Anthology From the Horror Zone" and was inspired by an idea Hamner said he had stashed away decades before when he was writing for "The Twilight Zone." The other, on fishing, was published in "Gray's Sporting Journal."

"The Twilight Zone" episodes Hamner did finish included several of the best the classic TV series aired. Among them were "The Hunt," in which a recently deceased backwoodsman is saved by his beloved hunting dog from accidentally wandering into Hell. Another, "Ring-a-Ding Girl," tells the story of a young Hollywood movie star who returns to her hometown hours before her death and tricks family and friends into staying away from the site where her plane will crash.

Hamner and the show's creator, Rod Serling, had been friends since their college days, and when Serling launched the show in 1959 he invited Hamner to submit scripts. Hamner said he drew inspiration for most of them from folk tales he had heard as a child.

"Looking back," he once said, "I realize that if I made any unique contribution to the series, it was to introduce the American folklore element into it."

That element was something he would draw on repeatedly over the next 50 years, first in books like "The Homecoming" and "Fifty Roads To Town" and later in television's "The Walton's."

Like John Boy (played by Richard Thomas), the show's character he modeled on himself, Hamner was born in the foothills of Virginia's Blue Ridge Mountains, on July 10, 1923. Also like John Boy, he was the eldest of eight children and named after his father.

It was there that Earl Henry Hamner Jr. grew up in such modest circumstances that his family owned few books other than the Bible and had no telephone. It wasn't until a high school field trip to the World's Fair in New York City in 1939, Hamner once said, that he actually learned how to use a phone. Until that trip, he said, he had never been more than 40 miles from home.

--more at CTV.ca

Actor James Noble of 'Benson' fame dies at 94

Noble played forgetful Gov. Eugene Gatling
James Noble
Actor James Noble, who played forgetful Gov. Eugene Gatling on the 1980s sitcom "Benson," has died at 94.

Noble's daughter, Jessica Katherine Noble Cowan, told CNN her father died at Norwalk Hospital in Connecticut on Monday after suffering a stroke.

Noble acted in soap operas such as "One Life to Live," "Another World" and "As the World Turns" in the 1950s and '60s.

A Broadway-seasoned actor who appeared on soap operas and films like “10” and “Being There,” has died at the age of 94.

James Noble perhaps better known for his role as the absent-minded Governor, Eugene Gatling in the 1980’s sitcom “benson”.

Noble died Monday at Norwalk Hospital after suffering a stroke according to his daughter, Jessica Katherine Noble Cowan.


 Click to go to photos at TMZ.com
Click above to go to photos at TMZ.com
Hollywood legend Patty Duke -- who won an Oscar for playing Helen Keller in "The Miracle Worker" -- has died. She was 69.

Duke passed away at 1:20 AM Tuesday morning. She died from sepsis due to a ruptured intestine. Duke's son, Sean Astin, said the family is "relieved" because Duke was in a lot of pain and the process took a long time to play out.

Duke's family issued a statement, saying, "This morning, our beloved wife, mother, matriarch and the exquisite artist, humanitarian, and champion for mental health, Anna Patty Duke Pearce, closed her eyes, quieted her pain and ascended to a beautiful place."

"We celebrate the infinite love and compassion she shared through her work and throughout her life." Duke was a child star -- winning the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress at 16 years old in 1963.

She was married 4 times ... including to actor John Astin -- the father of "Lord of the Rings" star Sean Astin. Duke is survived by her husband, Michael Pearce, and her 3 kids.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Fulldeck-isms : witty put-downs

Signs you're not the sharpest crayon in the boxNot playing with a full deck? Hell, he's not even in the game!

A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.

A brain like a BB in a boxcar.

A couple of bricks short of a hod.

A couple of dilithium crystals short of a warp core.

A couple of knights short of a Crusade.

A couple of togas short of an orgy.

A couple of volts below threshold.

A couplet short of a sonnet.

A day late and a dollar short.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

A few birds shy of a flock.

A few bits short of a byte.

A few bits shy of a word.

A few bricks shy of a load.

A few cans short of a six pack, six short.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few clues shy of a solution.

A few ears short of a bushel.

A few eggs short of a dozen.

A few feet short of the runway.

A few fish short of a string.

A few guppies short of an aquarium.

A few inches short of a foot / yard.

A few kernels short of an ear.

A few lanes short of a highway.

A few lines short of a program.

A few links shy of a chain.

A few open splices short of a reel.

A few peas short of a pod / casserole.

A few pickles short of a jar.

A few pixels short of an image.

A few puppies short of a pet shop.

A few rungs short of a ladder.

A few sandwiches / apples / ants short of a picnic.

A few screams short of an orgasm.

A few screws loose.

A few snowballs short of an avalanche.

A few spoons short of a full set.

A few straws shy of a bale.

A few tacos short of a fiesta platter.

A few tiles missing from his Space Shuttle.

A few tomatoes short of a thick sauce.

A few yards short of the hole.

A flower short of an arrangement.

A goose short of a gaggle.

A hamburger / a few French fries short of a Happy Meal.

A handle short of a suitcase.

A hump short of a camel.

A lap behind the field.

A little light in his loafers.

A looney tune.

A mind like wet tennis shoes: Makes squishy noises when running.

A pane short of a window.

A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.

A pickle short of a barrel.

A quart low.

A room temperature IQ.

A screw loose.

A strawberry short of a quart.

A teabag short of a pot.

A victim of retroactive birth control.

A violin minus the bow.

A walking argument for birth control.

A wind-up clock without a key.

About a half a bubble off plumb.

About as sharp as a sack of wet leather / a bowling ball / a bowl of Jell-O.

About as smart as bait.

About fifteen cents short.

About three cents short of a dollar.

Ain't wrapped too tight.

Air between the ears.

All booster - no payload.

All booster and no shuttle.

All crown - no filling.

All foam. no beer.

All hammer, no nail.

All his eggs in the same basket.

All his marbles in one bag.

All lime and salt, no tequila.

All missile, no warhead.

All plow and no tractor.

All the lights don't shine in his marquee.

All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.

All wax and no wick.

Almost as smart as a finch.

Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.

Always sharpening his sleeping skills.

An early example of the Peter Principle.

An ego like a black hole.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

An inch short and a stroke early.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

Answers the door when the phone rings.

Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac

As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.

As thick as two short planks.

Attention span of an overripe grapefruit.

Attic's a little dusty.

Back burners not fully operating.

Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.

Bats in the belfry.

Batteries not included.

Been playing in the pharmacy section again.

Been playing with his wand too much.

Been short on oxygen one time too many.

Blender doesn't go past "mix".

Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches.

Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel.

Born a day late and like that ever since.

Born during low tide in the gene pool.

Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat!

Brain on cruise control.

Brain speed inversely proportional to mouth speed.


Brains of a house plant.

Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.

Bright as Alaska in December.

Broadcasts static.

Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.

Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.

Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.

Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.

Can carry on conversations with bushes.

Can easily be confused with facts.

Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope.

Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.

Cauliflower / Cheezwiz for brains.

Cheats when filling out opinion polls.

Chimney's clogged.

Clutch is slipping.

Could get lost in a broom closet.

Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.

Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.

Couldn't pick the winner of a one-horse race.

Couldn't spell "cat" if you spotted him on the "C" and the "A".

Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.

Crazy as all get out / a loon.

Cursor's flashing but there's no response.

Deaf, dumb, and blonde.

Deck has no face cards.

Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Dialing thumb must be broken.

Dock doesn't quite reach the water.

Does aerobics... in his head.

Doesn’t have all nine players on the diamond.

Doesn't have all his dogs barking.

Doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag.

Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.

Doesn't have both chop sticks in the chop suey.

Doesn't have both oars in the water.

Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.

Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.

Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.

Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.

Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.

Doesn't know if he's afoot or on horseback.

Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.

Downhill skiing in Iowa.

Dr. Kevorkian got her from the neck up.

Driving with two wheels in the sand.

Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a stump / a box of rocks / a sack of hammers.

Dumber than a chicken / box of hair / a red brick / rocks.

Dumber than owl droppings.

During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.

Eating with only one chopstick.

Echoes between the ears.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.

Elevator doesn't stop at every floor.

Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.

Elevator is stuck between floors.

Encyclopedia’s missing some volumes.

Engine is running, but no one is behind the wheel.

Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.

Evidence for the theory of a missing link.

Flying / landing on one engine.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.

Four cents short of a nickel.

Full throttle, dry tank.

Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.

Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.

Gets his orders from another planet.

Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.

Goalie for the dart team.

God might still use him for miracle practice.

God's favorite target for lightning strikes.

Got a dozen eggs but some are cracked.

Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

Half a brick short of a full load.

Half a bubble off plumb. --Attributed to Mark Twain

Half a quart low.

Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.

Has a leak in his ceiling.

Has a pulse, but that's about all.

Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.

Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass.

Has six beers, but lacks the little plastic thing to hold them together.

Has the brains of a dog’s ass.

Has the intellectual capacity of an Allen wrench.

Has the memory of a goldfish.

Has two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it.

Hasn't enough sense to pound salt into a rat hole.

Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.

Hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain.

Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.

Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.

Head whistles in a cross wind.

Hears everything that a dog can.

He's got his motor running but the gearshift is still in park.

His drill doesn't have a full set of bits.

His jogging trail doesn’t go all the way around the lake.

If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.

If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his hat off / his nose!

If brains were popularity, she’d be the IRS.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he had another brain cell, it'd be lonely.

If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.

If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.

If he were any smarter, you could teach him to fetch.

If his IQ were 2 points higher he would be a rock.

If she were any dumber, she'd be a green plant.

If stupidity were a crime, he'd be #1 on the Most Wanted list.

If stupidity were beauty, her face could launch a million ships.

If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.

If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.

If they made hats the size of his brain he would be wearing a peanut shell.

Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.

Impervious to brain damage.

In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department.

Infinite space between her ears.

Informationally deprived.

Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

Intellectually challenged.

IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.

IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.

It would be easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing!

Knitting with only one needle.

Knows Atlanta like the back of her hand, but she’s in Chicago.

Lamborghini chassis, moped engine.

Left the store without all of his groceries.

Library is well stocked - with Dr. Seuss books.

Life by Norman Rockwell, screenplay by Stephen King.

Light not burning too bright.

Lightbulb over his head is burned out.

Lights are on but nobody's home.

Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.

Little red choo-choo done jumped the track.

Lives in the same world, but a different universe.

Living proof of evolution.

Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.

Long on dry wall, short on studs.

Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.

Loony as a jay bird.

Lost his trolleys.

Low on thinking gas.

Marching to a different kettle of fish.

Mental agility of a soap dish.

Mentally qualified for handicapped parking.

Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.

Mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime.

Mind like a sieve.

Mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and mangled.

Mind like a steel trap -- full of mice.

Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and stuck closed.

Mind like a steel trap -- things wander in and get mangled.

Mind wandered and never came back.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Missing a few catalog cards / gears / marbles.

Missing a layer of insulation in his attic.

Missing all of the face cards.

Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.

Moves his lips to pretend he's reading.

Music by Mozart, choreography by Beavis & Butthead.

Needs another brain to make half-wit.

Needs both hands to wipe his behind.

Nice house, but nobody home / not much furniture.

No coins in the old fountain.

No filter in the coffee maker.

No grain in the silo.

No hands on the rudder / yoke.

No hay in the loft.

No one at the throttle.

No wind in her mind's windmills.

Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us!

Not done evolving yet.

Not enough brain cells for the Prozac to be effective.

Not enough brains to get anywhere near the gutter.

Not enough sense to come in out of the rain.

Not firing on all four / six / eight cylinders.

Not firing on all thrusters.

Not much to show for four billion years of evolution.

Not only a few brick short, but is missing someone else's bricks as well.

Not only rude, but ugly too.

Not quite human any longer.

Not running on full thrusters.

Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree.

Not the fastest car in the lot.

Not the quickest bunny in the forest.

Not the same since they took him off his medication.

Not the sharpest crayon in the box.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Not too tightly wrapped.

Not worth pissin' on.

Nothing between the stethoscopes.

Nutty as a fruitcake.

Off his rocker.

Oil doesn't reach his dipstick

On permanent leave of absence from his senses.

On the batting end of a no-hitter.

One banana short of a fruit-salad.

One board short of a porch.

One boot stuck in the sand.

One brick shy of a load.

One drop short of an empty bladder.

One fang short of a vampire.

One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.

One fruit short of a basket.

One horseman short of an apocalypse.

One hot pepper short of an enchilada.

One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.

One sentence short of a paragraph.

One shingle shy a roof.

One shingle shy of a roof, and the water's getting in.

One ship short of a full fleet.

One snowflake short of a ski slope.

One song short of a musical.

One step short of the attic.

One tree short of a hammock.

Only got one oar in the water.

Only hitting on 7 cylinders.

Only operating at about half a watt.

Only playing with 51 cards.

Only playing with the jokers.

Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.

Out in left field with a catcher's mitt on.

Outlet isn't grounded.

Over the rainbow.

Overdue for reincarnation.

Paddling with one oar.


Paralyzed from the neck up.

Parked his head and forgot where he left it.

Pedaling real fast, but not getting anywhere.

People around her are at risk of second hand idiocy.

Perfect face for Halloween.

Permanently out to lunch.

Permanently rotated 90 degrees from the rest of us.

Personality of a snail on Valium.

Playing baseball with a rubber bat.

Playing hockey with a warped puck.

Plays solitaire... for cash.

Porch light is on, but there's nobody home.

Proof God has a sense of humor.

Puzzle is missing a few pieces.

Quick as a corpse.

Reading off an empty disk.

Receiver is off the hook.

Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.

Reset line is glitching.

Result of a first cousin marriage.

Riding a tippy canoe.

Room for rent, unfurnished.

Room temperature IQ.

Room temperature IQ - in Centigrade.

Running on empty.

Runs squares around the competition.

Rusty springs in the mousetrap.

Sailboat fuel for brains.

Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball.

She can piss standing up, but not much else.

She only packed half a sandwich.

Short a few cards.

Should be the poster child for family planning.

Should have kept his helmet on while riding / playing.

Signs on both ears saying 'Space for Rent.'

Sitting in the right pew, but the wrong church.

Six bricks short of a full load.

Six shy of a dozen.

Skating on the wrong side of the ice.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.

Slinky's kinked.

Sloppy as a soup sandwich.

Slow as molasses in January.

Slow out of the gate.

Smart as a politician / lawyer is honest.

Smart as bait.

Smarter than the average bear.

Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.

So boring, his dreams have Muzak.

So dim, his psychic carries a flashlight.

So dumb, blondes tell jokes about him.

So dumb, he faxes face up.

So dumb, his dog teaches him tricks.

So far gone, hard drugs push him closer to normal.

So fat, people climb over him rather than go around.

So slow, he has to speed up to stop.

So slow, we drive stakes in the ground to measure his progress.

So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.

Soft as baby shit.

Soft as silly putty.

Solid concrete from the eyebrows backwards.

Some Assembly Required.

Some bugs in his software.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

Some M&M's missing from her bowl.

Some pages missing.

Somebody lend her a quarter to buy a clue.

Someone blew out his pilot light.

Strong like bull, smart like streetcar.

Stumped by anything childproof.

Subtle as a well-thrown brick.

Suffers from Clue Deficit Disorder.

Swapped out.

Switch is on, but no one's receiving.

Takes her 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".

Talks to plants on their own level.

The carnival has closed.

The cheese has slid off his cracker.

The computer's on but there's no prompt.

The crowd’s cheering but there’s no team on the field.

The going got weird, and he turned pro.

The space between his ears powers vacuum pumps.

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead.

There's a leak in his ceiling.

Thick as a brick.

Three chickens short of a hen house

Three wheels short of a Honda.

Too many birds on her antenna.

Too many jokers and not enough aces in his deck.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Took the little bus to school.

Toys in the attic.

Traveling without a passport.

Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.

Two bits shy of a word.

Two catchers and three basemen short of a World Series.

Two clowns short of a circus.

Two saucers short of a tea-service.

Two sheep short of a sweater.

Two socks short of a pair.

Types 120 words a minute but her keyboard isn't plugged in.

Ugly as a warthog and half as smart.

Understands English as well as any parrot.

Useful as a balsa wood anchor.

Useful as a chocolate frying pan.

Useful as a concrete canoe.

Useful as a glass machete.

Useful as a kick stand on a horse.

Useful as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.

Useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.

Useful as tits on a bull / boar-hog.

Useful as tits on a tomcat.

Uses his head to keep the rain out of his neck.

Uses thumbtacks to post notes -- on his refrigerator.

Uses two hands to eat with chopsticks.

Vacancy on the top floor.

Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains.

Was napping in the nut pile the day that God was cracking nuts.

Welcome light on, but no one home.

Working with an unformatted disk.

*Brain Candy

New Commode-ore 64

New Commode-ore 64
Get down to business with a New Commode-ore 64

Things for Thought

For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a refresher course...

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. (Must remember to sleep more often)

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice. Surprised??? Ever seen this one:

Pearls melt in vinegar.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.

A duck's quack does not echo, and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a commode to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their rear ends (I know some people like that; don't YOU?)

Now you know everything there is to know. Of importance, that is !!!

Cheers !

It's simple.

World Peace

Monday, March 28, 2016


An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a
fishing channel and the porn channel.
seniors watching tv

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For gosh sakes!
Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

He Found These Kittens On A Dirt Road And Quickly Realized They Were Completely Abnormal

By Jake Brannon, Wimp.com
We hear a lot of animal rescue stories these days, but none quite as wild as this one. While walking to work one day, an 18-year-old named Hamdan Shibli discovered three kittens on the side of a dirt road. While some would have ignored these poor cats to continue their commute, Hamdan took the time to stop and care for these little creatures.

The kittens looked weak and their mother was nowhere in sight, so Hamdan relocated them to a nearby bush where they'd be safe. Shortly after, Hamdan was uploading pictures of his encounter online when he had a shocking revelation: those tiny kittens he'd helped to safety were no mere housecats ... they were jungle cats!

Jungle cats are a type of large cat native to Asia, and while they are not currently threatened, they have been experiencing declines in population. Hamdan rushed back to the bush where he left them, hoping that they were still alive so he could help them. Check out the images below to see the full story of Hamdan and the jungle cats.

Hamdan Shibli, an 18-year-old living in Israel, found three kittens on the side of a dirt road. He looked around but could not locate their mother, so he decided to move them out of the road to prevent further harm.
Jungle Cats --photo by Hamdan Shibli

Click here to read more of this cool story at wimp.com

It's Not Easy

It's Not Easy - Michael Josephson

There be tigers!

How many tigers do you see?
How many tigers do you see?

Sunday, March 27, 2016

The Pysanka

All PYSANKY are created the same way, the only thing that differs is the design on each egg. All designs are an accumulation of ancient symbols arranged in different patterns, and differing color schemes.
These are The Wizard's pysanka

1 pysanka, 2 pysanky, 3 pysanky, four

The name PYSANKA comes from the Ukrainian word pysaty which means "to write" since the designs are written on the egg. The ending letter "a" or "y" refers to the number of decorated eggs. Pysanka means one egg, and pysanky is plural. Originally the eggs were kept full to keep the mystical powers intact. But in modern days of changing air pressure and shipping, some empty the eggs to ensure a safe delivery with no mess or smell. The designs are the most important for the well-wishing gifts. The pysanka on the left still has the yolk inside and rattles if you shake it. The other two were emptied.

You can enjoy your pysanky for an entire life time. Unless broken, the eggs will last forever.

Have Bucket List, Will Travel...


“The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever.”


An Easter Wish...

Click on the World's Largest Pysanka (Vegreville, AB) It's also a weather vane.


Click here

Click above to read ALL about it!


Sins of the ancestors should not be blamed on the next generations

One of the many things I dislike about being a Catholic.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Useless Facts

During it’s lifetime an oyster changes its sex from male to female and back several times.

Cephalacaudal recapitulation is the reason our extremities develop faster than the rest of us.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

Daniel Boone hated coonskin caps.

More people speak English in China than the United States.

All the swans in England are property of the Queen.

The town of Calma, Chile in the Atacama Desert has never had rain.

Cleveland spelled backwards is DNA level C.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.

A normal raindrop falls at about 7 miles per hour.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

The “pound” key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotroph.

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.

During his entire life, Vincent Van Gogh sold exactly one painting, “Red Vineyard at Arles”.

Certain species of male butterflies produce scents that serve in attracting females during courtship.

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

Male bees will try to attract sex partners with orchid fragrance.

On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the American flag is flying over the Parliament Building.

In the Arctic, the sun sometimes appears to be square.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

Camel’s have three eyelids.

The average person laughs 10 times a day!

A healthy (non-colorblind) human eye can distinguish between 500 shades of gray.

A syzygy occurs when three atronomical bodies line up.

Shakespeare invented the word “assassination” and “bump.”

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

The Beetham Tower has 47 floors.

Top Earworms

1. Chili's "Baby Back Ribs" jingle.
2. "Who Let the Dogs Out"
3. "We Will Rock You"
4. Kit-Kat candy-bar jingle ("Gimme a Break ...")
5. "Mission Impossible" theme
6. "YMCA"
7. "Whoomp, There It Is"
8. "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
9. "It's a Small World After All"
10. "The Lollipop Guild"


Easter Bunny
All I need to know
I learned from the Easter Bunny!

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.

Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
May the joy of the season fill your heart.
Happy Easter!
bunny jellybeans

Incredible artwork by Imanol Aizpuru

All artwork © Imanol Aizpuru @imanolnaizni, found on ello

Incredible artwork by Imanol Aizpuru

Incredible artwork by Imanol Aizpuru

Incredible artwork by Imanol Aizpuru

Incredible artwork by Imanol Aizpuru

Incredible artwork by Imanol Aizpuru

Incredible artwork by Imanol Aizpuru

Incredible artwork by Imanol Aizpuru

Friday, March 25, 2016

Think Before You Speak

The Writings on the Stall!

If you're like me, you just can't spend enough time reading in public restrooms. And there's always some guy standing in front of the next chapter on the wall by the urinal. And he seldom wants to be a dear and jot down the phone number. I kid. Comic relief.


But it is nice the computer age brings funny restroom graffiti direct to our screens, the modern bathroom monitors. Of course, we must do without the ambient flushes and floating cigarette butts.


This site is clogged with hundreds of actual messages noted in the Mens and Ladies, Guys and Dolls, Buoys and Gulls. We're told "They serve as (informal) forums for politics, pop culture, humor, and so forth." Please note: Explicit content and they're out of paper towels.


My personal favourite:

University of Colorado
Engineering Building
Boulder, Colorado USA 80023
Men's restroom, ground floor

(And underneath it)
Very nice Albert, next time show your work
Written on the side of a stall, Albert Einstein's famous equation.

The Writings on the Stall!
Entries posted on this site don't necessarily reflect the beliefs of its The Wizard.

Fancy Footwork!

Overheard from Mars...

Marvin The Martian
Marvin the Martian: At last, after two thousand years of research, the illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator. At last...

Marvin the Martian: Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!

[Bugs has disposed of the green Martians]
Marvin the Martian: Oh dear. Now I shall have to create more Martians.

Marvin the Martian: Oh goody! My illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator.

Marvin the Martian: Well, back to the old drawing board.

Bugs: [to Marvin] Eh, pardon me, Doc, but could you rent me a U-drive-'em flying saucer? I gotta get back to the Earth.
Marvin the Martian: The Earth? Oh, the Earth will be gone in just a few seconds.
Bugs: [walking away] Oh, well, don't bother, then. No point in wasting money on a flying saucer when the Earth's not gonna...
[Bugs stops suddenly with a shock and comes back to Marvin, who is trying to light the fuse of the space modulator]
Bugs: Eh, pardon me again, Doc, but, uh, just what did you mean by that crack about the Earth being gone?
Marvin the Martian: Oh, I'm going to blow it up; it obstructs my view of Venus.
Bugs: It does? That's a shame.
[Bugs gets a terrified look and craftily defuses the modulator and takes it away]

[Marvin notices that his space modulator is missing and he discovers Bugs running off with it]
Marvin the Martian: The illudium Q-36 explosive space modulator! That creature has stolen the space modulator!

Now tell me you didn't use his voice!

Thursday, March 24, 2016

Garry Shandling Dead at 66

From TMZ.com

Garry Shandling (Getty)

Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ Shandling died from a massive heart attack, with no prior warning whatsoever.

Comedian Garry Shandling died at an L.A. area hospital on Thursday ... TMZ has learned.

The 66-year-old star was not suffering from any illness ... as far as we know ... so, it appears this was sudden. A source connected to Shandling says he was healthy and speaking to people on Thursday morning.

Our source says there was a 911 call from "The Larry Sanders Show" star's home, and he was transported to the hospital. We're told Shandling was alive when he arrived at the hospital.

Last weekend, Shandling was hanging with friends Kathy Griffin and Bob Odenkirk ... who also co-starred with Garry on 'Larry Sanders.'

Read more at TMZ.com

Feel like an adventure?

Then Click below - but take care.... beware....

Very shieky -- Very geeky!

Need a Heart? A Brain? More Courage? Then Click Above.

Are you gong to finish strong?


One day a while back, a man, his heart heavy with grief, was walking in the woods. As he thought about his life this day, he knew many things were not right.  He thought about  those who had lied about him back when he had a job. His thoughts turned to those who had stolen his things and cheated him.  He remembered family who had passed on. His mind turned to the illness he had, that no one could cure.  His very soul was filled with anger, resentment, and frustration. Standing there this day, searching for answers he could not find, knowing all else had failed him, he knelt at the base of an old oak tree to seek the one he knew would always be there.  And with tears in his eyes, he prayed:

'Lord- You have done wonderful things for me in this life.  You have told me to do many things for you, and I happily obeyed. Today, you have told me to forgive.  I am sad, Lord, because I cannot.  I don't know how.  It is not fair Lord, I  didn't deserve these wrongs that were done against me and I shouldn't have  to forgive.  As perfect as your way is Lord, this one thing I cannot do, for I don't know how to forgive.  My anger is so deep Lord, I fear  I may not hear you, but I pray you teach me to do the one thing I cannot do:  Teach me to forgive.'As he knelt there in the quiet shade of that old oak tree, he felt something fall onto his shoulder.  He opened his eyes.  Out of the corner of one eye, he saw something red on his shirt.  He could not turn to see what it was because where the oak tree had been was a large square piece of wood in the ground.  He raised his head and saw two feet held to the wood with a large spike through them. He raised his head more, and tears came to his eyes as he saw Jesus hanging on a cross.  He saw spikes in His hands, a gash in His side, a torn and battered body, deep thorns sunk into His head. Finally he saw the suffering and pain on His precious face. As  their eyes met, the man's tears turned to sobbing, and Jesus began to speak.

'Have you ever told a  lie?'  He asked? The man answered - 'Yes, Lord..' 'Have you ever been given too much change and kept it?' The man answered - 'Yes, Lord.'  And the man sobbed more and more. 'Have you ever taken something from work that wasn't yours?' Jesus asked? And the man answered, 'Yes, Lord.' 'Have you ever sworn, using my Father's name in vain?' The man, crying now, answered - 'Yes, Lord.' As Jesus asked many more times,  'Have you ever'?

The man's crying became uncontrollable, for he could only answer - 'Yes, Lord'. Then Jesus turned His head from one side to the other, and the man felt something fall on his other shoulder He looked and saw that it was the blood of Jesus.  When he looked back up, his eyes met those of Jesus, and there was a look of love the man had never seen or known before. Jesus said, 'I didn't deserve this either, but I forgive you.' It may be hard to see how you're going  to get through something, but when you look back in life, you realize how true this statement is.

Read the following line slowly and let it sink in. If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it.

The Sparrow

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

The Best 50 of Murphy's Laws - and others

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you.

Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

All's well that ends.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

New systems generate new problems.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.Give all orders verbally.

Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. On Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. On Monday.

Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

The only perfect science is hind-sight.Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.When all else fails, read the instructions.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Everything that goes up must come down.Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

100 Reasons To Be Gay

In celebration of the mirth it caused I thought I’d share it with you all. Aren’t I kind ? If you’re on a random joke list then you might have seen it before, but the oldies are always the best (unless you’re lucky enough to pull some young chicken) and we say share and share alike (unless its an STD).

So, here are 100 reasons to be gay. How many can you own up to ?
Click here.

Hmmm...Sometimes 'OLD' History Should be Forgotten...

Note from The Wizard: I never said that you would love anything I post, for that matter, if you don't like it, start your own blog! =) Please send me comments. I know you visit. Tell me what you think.... Good :-) or Bad :-( ... The Wiz can take it!

Dirty Car Art - AWESOME!!

You can obviously find something good in just about anything. Have a look.

Dirty Car Art - AWESOME!!
Dirty Car Art - AWESOME!!
Dirty Car Art - AWESOME!!
Dirty Car Art - AWESOME!!
Dirty Car Art - AWESOME!!
Dirty Car Art - AWESOME!!
Dirty Car Art - AWESOME!!
Dirty Car Art - AWESOME!!