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Wednesday, September 30, 2020

NOTICE!

 

Acetaminophen

All drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name.     

Example:  The trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen ... Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of "government experts", it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.  

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.


Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.  

I've always been a Pepsi fan, and now I think I know why!!!

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2021, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. 

Optical Illusions!

 
Optical Illusion by fairuM
Click here.


Granny's Cures

Did You Know That Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers." OR...


Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns. OR..


Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose. OR...


Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles. OR...


Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria. OR...


Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use. OR...


Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight. OR...


Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again. OR...


Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them. OR...


Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done. OR...


Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly. OR...
 

Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue. OR...


Hunt's tomato paste boil cure...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head. OR...


Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine... a powerful antiseptic. OR...


Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process. OR...


Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas. OR...


Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh. OR...


Eliminate ear mites.... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing. OR...


Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain. OR...



These may all work. Granny's Tonic guaranteed to make you forget that you ever had the problem in the first place!!

He said it best

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.  He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety.  Finish every day and be done with it.  You have done what you could.  Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in.  Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.  This new day is too dear, with its hopes and invitations to waste a moment on the yesterdays.”

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Bike

A Priest was about to finish his ten-year tour of duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives about the Bible and Christian values, in their own language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them was how to speak English.
 
He reasons that the most efficient way to encourage the tribe to learn would be to give a crash course to the smartest man in the village and to leave an English Bible with him. So he takes the chief, whom he had befriended, for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
 
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.
 
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
 
The chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
 
The Priest was getting quite enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the scrub bushes, they see a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really embarrassed and flustered. Not knowing what else to do he quickly says, "Man riding a bike."
 
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both right in front of the Priest.
 
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe the virtues of Christianity, the Ten Commandments, the Golden Rule, and how to be civilized and kind to each other. So how on God’s green Earth could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
 
And the chief replies, "My bike."
 
Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the main roads when riding somebody else's bicycle!

From The Emerald City

From The Emerald City


Hey folks, I haven't been posting the "Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners" as of late and I was wondering if you missed this during your visits to 'OZ'. Let me know in the comments!


Yours,

The Wizard

Tuesday, September 29, 2020

Visit To The Art Gallery

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Scotsman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Awww... so cute

 

Finally!

 

This is True!

 

Keep Going...

 

Me, then and now...

 


Monday, September 28, 2020

Taxidermist

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? You must drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. He mounts animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us!

Hearing test...

An elderly gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing  checked. The doctor made an appointment for a hearing testv in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
 
"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
 
That evening the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.
 
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.
 
Next he moved into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again he gets no response.
 
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again there is no response.
 
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
 
 
(I just love this!)
 
 
 
 
"Dang it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN !!

Art by Steve Walker

Someone to be loved
Someone To Be Loved

Click on the picture to goto his facebook fansite website. Tons of homoerotic** pictures available.


BIOGRAPHY: Drawing is one of Steve Walker's earliest childhood memories. He recollects drawing pictures from about the age of three or four years old. Drawing came naturally to the Toronto artist, and his love of the art form continued into his adulthood. As a self taught artist, Walker only began painting after a trip to Europe when he was 25 years old. During the trip, he spent much of his time in Europe touring the great galleries and museums. In his words it was the first time he was exposed to great painting, and the first time he recognized the potential power of the art form. "I was moved by something that I was capable of doing," he said. His first paintings were done in a somewhat secretive way, as he had no intention of exhibiting or selling, and had no aspirations of becoming a professional artist.

Producing art about his life and the lives of those around him is as natural to Walker as his first childhood drawings. As a gay man, Walker is acutely aware that he is living during a period of history that is both the best of times and the worst of times. There is more freedom and acceptance for gay men and women, while at the same time AIDS has devastated the gay population.

But Walker's paintings are not about gay people or homosexuality. He describes his art as being about love, hate, pain, joy, touch, communication, beauty, loneliness, attraction, hope, despair, life and death. His art includes universal themes regardless of race, gender, socio-economic class, culture or sexual orientation. However, his work is unique because he conveys these themes through the subjects in his paintings, young gay men. "Remove the gender of the painting's subjects and what we have is human relationships in general, and one's relationship to the world itself," he said. "As a homosexual I have been moved, educated, and inspired by works that deal with a heterosexual context. Why would I assume that a heterosexual would be incapable of appreciating work that speaks to common themes in life, as seen through my eyes as a gay man. If the heterosexual population is unable to do this, then the loss is theirs, not mine."

If Walker were an abstract painter or a landscape artist, he says his sexual orientation wouldn't matter. But since his paintings are about gay life, his sexual orientation becomes more important than his cultural background, age, or nationality.

The focus of his paintings often depict sadness and loneliness to reflect the reality that much of anyone's life is sad and lonely. Walker often portrays people in relationships as separate entities because that is the way he views them. He also uses a small and consistent palette of colours because he is comfortable with them and the colours provide the desired results. "Colour is very powerful and a little can go a long way if used effectively," he said. "Some colours are very exciting to me, while others are quite offensive. Painting flesh is very exciting because of the huge variations possible within a very small colour range."

Walker's artworks are very large, always measuring 36" by 48". He creates large paintings because he believes that a large image is more appealing than a smaller one. "Whether it's a television screen, cinema screen, or an image in a magazine, the size of the image connotes a degree of importance," he said. Walker said belonging to an oppressed minority group has been a driving force in creating his art. "Any minority wants and needs to find artistic voices that reflect their own personal situations, and, in doing so, validate and record their lives and cultures for themselves, and for the larger world," he said.

Walker said he experiences many small rewards during the creative process. "After hours of painting, I stand back and look at something that wasn't there before -- a hand, face, or piece of fabric will exist where there was once a blank canvas," he said.

As an artist, Walker said it's exciting to be working at a point in history where there is an audience ready to appreciate and consume his creations. "It is very rare to find success as an artist in your lifetime," he said. "My work will be around long after me, but seeing it affect people at the time that I am creating it is very rewarding."

In recent years Steve Walker's work has been exhibited in galleries in Toronto, Montreal, New York, Philadelphia and Key West.

The gay community of North America has responded very positively to Walker's art. "I am very aware of the appreciation from a group of people who recognize the time, energy and talent devoted to a body of work that speaks specifically to them but at the same time exists in the larger world that we all live in," he said.

** ho·mo·e·rot·ic ( hō ' mō-ĭ-rŏt ' ĭk ) adj. Of or concerning homosexual love and desire. Tending to arouse such desire

Three Hymns

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.



After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.



A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.



Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,

"I'll take him


and him


and him!


The Laundromat

An ordinary man was at the laundry mat cleaning his clothes like everybody else.

All of a sudden he smelt a horrible odor.

He realized the clothes he was wearing were dirty too!

So he took off all his clothes and stuck them in the wash.

Sitting there buck naked he pulled out a cigarette. Before he could light it up two incredibly hunky blondes walk through the door.

He was in shock! Embarrassed, he made like he was a statue.

The two blondes came over too him, the first one pulled his crank and the cigarette came falling out of his hands. He said, "Oh look! It's a cigarette dispenser."

The other blonde then tried the same thing, but no cigarette came out so he kept on pulling and pulling and pulling.

Finally he said, "No silly it's not a cigarette dispenser it's a lotion dispenser!"

Backyard bug problem? Send in the hens to do the dirty work

 Hooligan Hens provides a chicken visit in the city as a natural 'pesticide'

It's a common fixation for backyard gardeners in Calgary: how to beat what's eating their harvest.

The appearance of critters like slugs, aphids and cabbage moths typically means gardeners have to decide whether to leave them be or attempt some sort of pest control.

Well, there's a new-but-old-school method of ridding a garden of invaders this year: hungry hens.

Video and more at CBC news

Sunday, September 27, 2020

Vanity Plates

Apple iHole

Apple has always been an innovator, so we’re not totally shocked by the idea of the iHole, the world’s first “totally hands-free mobile device.” Then again, we’re thankful it’s a parody.

Tim Horton's Coffee Shop

MaxineI was in Timmy’s recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me! And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod……… and how was your day?

What would you do????????

The producers of this beer commercial borrowed a small 150 seat cinema playing a popular film, and filled 148 of its seats with rough-looking, tattooed bikers, leaving only two free seats in the middle of the theater. They then allowed theater management to sell tickets for the last pair of tickets to several young couples.

What would you do?

Watch till the end .....

Go to video at theinspiration.com

The Best Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the  rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him top  prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.
 
 
 
 He went home and told his wife Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." Mary states, "Did ya now...and what was your toast?"
 
 
 
 
 John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
 
 Mary says "John, that is very nice indeed."
 
 
 
 The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
 
 
 
 Mary says, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years...once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to get him to come!"

Vacation

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.

Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde....it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."

A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out.

My coworker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.

Saturday, September 26, 2020

So sayeth those who feel The Doctor is not the best soda in the World...

 


 ... WHICH, BY THE WAY IT IS THE BEST SODA IN THE WORLD!!

See No...Speak No...Hear No....

 

Oh Come NOW! WTF??

 
image of Jesus on backside of dog Dog spelled backwards....

Semen. The Other White Milk.

 


*Graphic from http://www.popjolly.com/

Penis facts you may not know...

By Mike Zimmerman

1. There are two types of penises. One kind expands and lengthens when becoming erect (a grower). The other appears big most of the time, but doesn't get much bigger after achieving erection (a shower).

2. Smoking can shorten your penis by as much as a centimeter. Erections are all about good bloodflow, and lighting up calcifies blood vessels, stifling erectile circulation. So even if you don't care all that much about your lungs or dying young, spare the li'l guy.

3. No brain is necessary for ejaculation. That order comes from the spinal cord. Finding a living vessel for said ejaculation, however, takes hours of careful thought and, often, considerable amounts of alcohol.

4. Doctors can now grow skin for burn victims using the foreskins of circumcised infants. One foreskin can produce 23,000 square meters, which would be enough to tarp every Major League infield with human flesh.

5. An enlarged prostate gland can cause both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. If you have an unexplained case of either, your doctor's looking forward to checking your prostate. Even if you're not.

6. The average male orgasm lasts 6 seconds. Women get 23 seconds. Which means if women were really interested in equality, they'd make sure we have four orgasms for every one of theirs.

7. The oldest known species with a penis is a hard-shelled sea creature called Colymbosathon ecplecticos. That's Greek for "amazing swimmer with large penis." Which officially supplants Buck Naked as the best porn name, ever.

8. Circumcised foreskin can be reconstructed. Movable skin on the shaft of the penis is pulled toward the tip and set in place with tape. Later, doctors apply plastic rings, caps, and weights. Years can pass until complete coverage is attained. . . . Okay, we'll shut up now.

9. Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself oral pleasure. It's estimated, however, that all 400 have given it their best shot at some point.

I can't stop thinking about self-sucking!
10. Are you a grower or a shower: An international Men's Health survey reports that 79 percent of men have growers, 21 percent have showers.

11. German researchers say the average intercourse lasts 2 minutes, 50 seconds, yet women perceive it as lasting 5 minutes, 30 seconds. Are we that good or that bad?

12. Turns out size does matter: The longer your penis, the better "semen displacement" you'll achieve when having sex with a woman flush with competing sperm. That's according to researchers at the State University of New York, who used artificial phalluses (ahem) to test the "scooping" mechanism of the penis's coronal ridge. Next up: curing cancer.

13. The penis that's been enjoyed by the most women could be that of King Fatefehi of Tonga, who supposedly deflowered 37,800 women between the years 1770 and 1784 -- that's about seven virgins a day. Go ahead, say it: It's good to be king.

14. Better-looking men may have stronger sperm. Spanish researchers showed women photos of guys who had good, average, and lousy sperm -- and told them to pick the handsomest men. The women chose the best sperm producers most often.

15. The most common cause of penile rupture: vigorous masturbation. Some risks are just worth taking.

Research by the editors of Men's Health Germany

*wanderings.net

Finally It's Done!

Something I know we all have been waiting for has finally happened! You can expect to hear from me even more frequently now! I Finally got the bathroom remodeled! 


This gives new meaning to "Going Online".

Friday, September 25, 2020

Survey results

 A worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations. It had only one question:
 
"Please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world."
 
The survey was a huge failure.
 
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
 
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
 
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
 
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
 
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
 
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
 
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Hill-Billy Health

 

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. 

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. 

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. 

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

Little Johnny

 An elementary school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said, "My family went to my Granddad's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating." 

 
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word "fascinate." 
 
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight." The teacher cried.

I'll take "Potent Potables" for $200, Alex

What is People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement?

What is Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it?

What is If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet?

What are The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals?

What is The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket?

What is To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely?

What is Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

What is Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai?

What is Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single?

What is Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween?

What is After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead?

The Winter of your life

You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.   It seems just yesterday that I was a young guy, just married and embarking on my new life with my wife and son.   And yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all...  And I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams...   
 
But, here it is...the winter of my life and it catches me by surprise...How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go? And where did my youth go?   
 
I remember well...seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like...   
 
But, here it is...separated...out of the closet and I move slower and I see an older man now. I'm overweight...but, I see the great change...   
 
Not the one that was once married who was dark and young and strong... others, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we'd be.   
 
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore...it's mandatory! Cause if I don't on my own free will...I just fall asleep where I sit! 
 
And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things.   
 
But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I'm not sure how long it will last...This I hope, that when it's over...we have a loving Savior who has a plan for us  and we are assured salvation if we place our faith in Him .      
 
So, if your not in your winter yet...let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly!   
 
For remember that scripture?...our life is but a vapor, it vanished away...So, do what you can today, because you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!   
 
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life... so, live for God today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember...

WoW! A Human Pretzel!

 
WoW! A Human Pretzel!

Thursday, September 24, 2020

The Tomato Story (Received in an email....)

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor, has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work.

His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet?

Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also!

Newfie Birth Control

Note: For my non-Canadian reader's, a 'Newfie' is someone from Newfoundland...) 

Dear Doctor White Lard thunderin' jassssus bye, I'm at me wits end and I'm prayin' you'll operate on me so I can have me nuts cut off and make me sterile. Me reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 9 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are friggin' useless. 

After getting married here in Ganderbye, I was advised by the priest to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, me wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured meself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from dat, where do ye find a band when ye get the urge at two o'clock in the mornin'? 

Another doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we wus livin' with de in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks fer the safe period, when the 'ouse was empty. Needless to say dat didn't work, and da missus got pregnant again. Twins dis time. A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy... but da wife, well she got pregnant again. 

Another tale we 'eard was if da wife jumped up and down after intercourse dis would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk, stubbed 'er big toe, but she still got pregnant again. Jaaaaasus, 'nother set of twins. I asked the pharmacist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a big box. Me wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of dem tings over yer index finger could ever stop da missus from getting knocked up yet again. 

We tried the coil next but dat didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and me wife is definitely a right-hand screw. The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but the wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across 'er forehead. ...Ye can see me problems right? If I can't 'ave da operation I will 'ave to resort to oral sex, but lard jasssssus bye I can't believe dat talking bout it is any substitute fer the real ting. Do ye??

The Hired Hand

A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. 

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. 

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. 

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." 

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

FREDDIE'S SURGERY

Freddie can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. 

Freddie asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. Freddie says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok. 

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later the gives Freddie the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". 

Freddie takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Freddie starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants. 

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Freddie says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."