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Saturday, February 29, 2020

Where do pets come from?

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the question "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other.

TRIBUTE TO STEVE IRWIN

A tribute to one of my favourite people
TRIBUTE TO STEVE IRWIN

Click Above.

Senior Moment

Click on it for a larger version

Riddle Me This!

What did you eat?

You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?


Riddle me this! -Answer. Click here

Click above for the answer.

Leap Day

Happy Leap Day!
What do athletes wear on Leap Day? Jumpsuits.

Where do most people eat on Leap Day? IHOP.

What kind of music do you listen to on Leap Day? Hip Hop.

What do the Chinese call the Year of the Frog? Leap Year.

What do you tell a hitchhiker on Leap Day? Hop In.

What is a frog's favorite time of year? Leap Day.

What do you call a surgery on Leap Day? A hop-eration.

I wasn't going to celebrate Leap Day, but I decided to jump on the band wagon.

My coworker was fired on Leap Day, apparently he picked the wrong time to jump off the deep end.

Bachelors Day, the only day a man doesn't want to see a woman on her knees in front of him.

I'm going to get married on February 29th, so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.

The general rule is that there is a leap year every four years. Except if the year is divisible by 100 (2100, 2200) and not exactly divisible by 400 (2000). On February 29th, 1940, Hattie McDaniel became the first African American to win an Academy Award for her role as Mammy in "Gone With The Wind".

A person who is born on February 29 is called a "leapling" or a "leap-year baby". Rapper Ja Rule (1976), actor Antonio Sabato, Jr. (1972), and hockey goalie Cam Ward (1984) were all born on a Leap Day. Singer Davy Jones (2012, "The Monkees") and legendary college football player Tom Davies (1972) died on a Leap Day. Julius Caesar and his astronomer, Sosigenes, calculated the need for a Leap Year in 45 B.C. Rare Disease Day, a day to raise awareness for rare diseases, was started on February 29, 2008. There is a popular tradition called Bachelor's Day in certain countries that allows women to propose marriage on February 29th. If the man refuses, he is obligated to give the woman money or buy her a dress.

The 411 - Leap Year

A leap year (or intercalary year) is a year containing one or more extra days (or, in case of lunisolar calendars, an extra month) in order to keep the calendar correct.
Leap Year synchronised with the astronomical or seasonal year. For example, February would have 29 days in a leap year instead of the usual 28. Seasons and astronomical events do not repeat at an exact number of full days, so a calendar which had the same number of days in each year would over time drift with respect to the event it was supposed to track. By occasionally inserting (or intercalating) an additional day or month into the year, the drift can be corrected. A year which is not a leap year is called a common year.

Happy Leap Day!


Gregorian calendar
In the Gregorian calendar, the current standard calendar in most of the world, most years whose division by 4 equals an integer are leap years. In a leap year, the month of February has 29 days instead of 28. Adding an extra day to the calendar every four years compensates for the fact that a solar year is almost 6 hours longer than 365 days.

However, some exceptions to this rule are required since the duration of a solar year is slightly less than 365.25 days. Years which are evenly divisible by 100 are not leap years, unless they are also evenly divisible by 400, in which case they are leap years. For example, 1600 and 2000 were leap years, but 1700, 1800 and 1900 were not. Going forward, 2100, 2200, 2300, 2500, 2600, 2700, 2900, and 3000 will not be leap years, but 2400 and 2800 will be. By this rule, the average number of days per year will be 365 + 1/4 − 1/100 + 1/400 = 365.2425, which is 365 days, 5 hours, 49 minutes, and 12 seconds.

The Gregorian calendar was designed to keep the vernal equinox on or close to March 21, so that the date of Easter (celebrated on the Sunday after the 14th day of the Moon that falls on or after 21 March) remains correct with respect to the vernal Leap baby cartoonequinox. The vernal equinox year is about 365.242374 days long (and increasing), whereas the average year length of the Gregorian calendar is 365.2425.

The marginal difference of 0.000125 days means that in around 8,000 years, the calendar will be about one day behind where it is now. But in 8,000 years, the length of the vernal equinox year will have changed by an amount which cannot be accurately predicted (see below). Therefore, the current Gregorian calendar suffices for practical purposes, and Herschel's correction (making 4000 AD not a leap year) will probably not be necessary.


Algorithm
This algorithm determines leap years on the proleptic Gregorian calendar, which includes leap years before the official inception in 1582.

Pseudocode to determine whether a year is a leap year or not:

if year modulo 400 is 0 then leap
else if year modulo 100 is 0 then no_leap
else if year modulo 4 is 0 then leap
else no_leap
A more direct algorithm:

if (year modulo 4 is 0) and ((year modulo 100 is not 0) or (year modulo 400 is 0))
then leap
else no_leap

Leap day
February 29 is a date that occurs only every four years, and is called leap day. This day is added to the calendar in leap years as a corrective measure, because the earth does not orbit around the sun in precisely 365.000 days.

Leap Year Tradition The Gregorian calendar is a modification of the Julian calendar first used by the Romans. The Roman calendar originated as a lunisolar calendar and named many of its days after the syzygies of the moon: the new moon (Kalendae or calends, hence "calendar") and the full moon (Idus or ides). The Nonae or nones was not the first quarter moon but was exactly one nundinae or Roman market week of nine days before the ides, inclusively counting the ides as the first of those nine days. In 1825, Ideler believed that the lunisolar calendar was abandoned about 450 BC by the decemvirs, who implemented the Roman Republican calendar, used until 46 BC. The days of these calendars were counted down (inclusively) to the next named day, so 24 February was ante diem sextum Kalendas Martii ("the sixth day before the calends of March") often abbreviated a. d. VI Kal. Mar. The Romans counted days inclusively in their calendars, so this was actually the fifth day before March 1 when counted in the modern exclusive manner (not including the starting day).

The Republican calendar's intercalary month was inserted on the first or second day after the Terminalia (a. d. VII Kal. Mar., February 23). The remaining days of Februarius were dropped. This intercalary month, named Intercalaris or Mercedonius, contained 27 days. The religious festivals that were normally celebrated in the last five days of February were moved to the last five days of Intercalaris. Because only 22 or 23 days were effectively added, not a full lunation, the calends and ides of the Roman Republican calendar were no longer associated with the new moon and full moon.

The Julian calendar, which was developed in 46 BC by Julius Caesar, and became effective in 45 BC, distributed an extra ten days among the months of the Roman Republican calendar. Caesar also replaced the intercalary month by a single intercalary day, located where the intercalary month used to be. To create the intercalary day, the existing ante diem sextum Kalendas Martii (February 24) was doubled, producing ante diem bis sextum Kalendas Martii. Hence, the year containing the doubled day was a bissextile (bis sextum, "twice sixth") year. For legal purposes, the two days of the bis sextum were considered to be a single day, with the second half being intercalated, but common practice by 238, when Censorinus wrote, was that the intercalary day was followed by the last five days of February, a. d. VI, V, IV, III and pridie Kal. Mar. (which would be those days numbered 24, 25, 26, 27, and 28 from the beginning of February in a common year), i.e. the intercalated day was the first half of the doubled day. All later writers, including Macrobius about 430, Bede in 725, and other medieval computists (calculators of Easter), continued to state that the bissextum (bissextile day) occurred before the last five days of February.

Until 1970, the Roman Catholic Church always celebrated the feast of Saint Matthias on a. d. VI Kal. Mar., so if the days were numbered from the beginning of the month, it was named February 24 in common years, but the presence of the bissextum in a bissextile year immediately before a. d. VI Kal. Mar. shifted the latter day to February 25 in leap years, with the Vigil of St. Matthias shifting from February 23 to the leap day of February 24. Other feasts normally falling on February 25–28 in common years are also shifted to the following day in a leap year (although they would be on the same day according to the Roman notation). The practice is still observed by those who use the older calendars.


Julian, Coptic and Ethiopian calendars
The Julian calendar adds an extra day to February in years evenly divisible by four.

The Coptic calendar and Ethiopian calendar also add an extra day to the end of the year once every four years before a Julian 29-day February.

This rule gives an average year length of 365.25 days. However, it is 11 minutes longer than a real year. This means that the vernal equinox moves a day earlier in the calendar every 131 years.


Revised Julian calendar
The Revised Julian calendar adds an extra day to February in years divisible by four, except for years divisible by 100 that do not leave a remainder of 200 or 600 when divided by 900. This rule agrees with the rule for the Gregorian calendar until 2799. The first year that dates in the Revised Julian calendar will not agree with those in the Gregorian calendar will be 2800, because it will be a leap year in the Gregorian calendar but not in the Revised Julian calendar.

This rule gives an average year length of 365.242222… days. This is a very good approximation to the mean tropical year, but because the vernal equinox year is slightly longer, the Revised Julian calendar does not do as good a job as the Gregorian calendar of keeping the vernal equinox on or close to 21 March.


Chinese calendar
The Chinese calendar is lunisolar, so a leap year has an extra month, often called an embolismic month after the Greek word for it. In the Chinese calendar the leap month is added according to a complicated rule, which ensures that month 11 is always the month that contains the northern winter solstice. The intercalary month takes the same number as the preceding month; for example, if it follows the second month then it is simply called "leap second month" (traditional Chinese; simplified Chinese; pinyin: rùn'èryuè).


Hebrew calendar
The Hebrew calendar is also lunisolar with an embolismic month. This extra month is called Adar Alef (first Adar) and is added before Adar, which then becomes Adar bet (second Adar). According to the Metonic cycle, this is done seven times every nineteen years (specifically, in years 3, 6, 8, 11, 14, 17, and 19).

In addition, the Hebrew calendar has postponement rules that postpone the start of the year by one or two days. These postponement rules reduce the number of different combinations of year length and starting days of the week from 28 to 14, and regulate the location of certain religious holidays in relation to the Sabbath. In particular, the first day of the Hebrew year can never be Sunday, Wednesday or Friday. This rule is known in Hebrew as "lo adu rosh", i.e. "Rosh [ha-Shanah, first day of the year] is not Sunday, Wednesday or Friday" (as the Hebrew word adu is written by three Hebrew letters signifying Sunday, Wednesday and Friday). Accordingly, the first day of Pesah (Passover) is never Monday, Wednesday or Friday. This rule is known in Hebrew as "lo badu Pesah", which has a double meaning — "Pesah is not a legend", but also "Pesah is not Monday, Wednesday or Friday" (as the Hebrew word badu is written by three Hebrew letters signifying Monday, Wednesday and Friday).

One reason for this rule is that Yom Kippur, the holiest day in the Hebrew calendar, must never be adjacent to the weekly Sabbath (which is Saturday), i.e. it must never fall on Friday or Sunday, in order not to have two adjacent Sabbath days. However, Yom Kippur can be on Saturday.

Years consisting of 12 months have between 353 and 355 days. In a k'sidra ("in order") 354-day year, months have alternating 30 and 29 day lengths. In a chaser ("lacking") year, the month of Kislev is reduced to 29 days. In a malei ("filled") year, the month of Cheshvan is increased to 30 days. 13-month years follow the same pattern, with the addition of the 30-day Adar Alef, giving them between 383 and 385 days.


Islamic calendar
In the Islamic calendar, leap months are not used. The Qur'an says:

“ The number of months with Allah has been twelve months by Allah's ordinance since the day He created the heavens and the earth. Of these four are known as sacred; That is the straight usage, so do not wrong yourselves therein, and fight those who go astray. But know that Allah is with those who restrain themselves. ”
“ Verily the transposing (of a prohibited month) is an addition to Unbelief: The Unbelievers are led to wrong thereby: for they make it lawful one year, and forbidden another year, of months forbidden by Allah and make such forbidden ones lawful. The evil of their course seems pleasing to them. But Allah guideth not those who reject Faith. (Qur'an 9:36-37) ”


Calendars with Leap Years synchronized with Gregorian
The Indian National Calendar and the Revised Bangla Calendar of Bangladesh organise their leap years so that the leap day is always close to February 29 in the Gregorian calendar. This makes it easy to convert dates to or from Gregorian.

The Bahá'í calendar is structured such that the leap day always falls within Ayyám-i-Há, a period of four or five days corresponding to Gregorian February 26 – March 1. Because of this, Baha'i dates consistently line up with exactly one Gregorian date.

The Thai solar calendar uses the Buddhist Era (BE), but has been synchronized with the Gregorian since AD 1941.


Hindu calendar
In the Hindu calendar, which is a lunisolar calendar, the embolismic month is called adhika maas (extra month). It is the month in which the sun is in the same sign of the stellar zodiac on two consecutive dark moons. Adhika Maas typically occurs once every 3 years, or 4 times over 11 years. So the yearly lag of a lunar year (which tends to have ten fewer days (355-356 days) per year than solar calendar) is adjusted every 3 years. Thus, Hindu festivals tend to occur within a given span. For example: the No Moon during Diwali festival tends to occur between October 22 and November 15.


Iranian calendar
The Iranian calendar also has a single intercalated day once in every four years, but every 33 years or so the leap years will be five years apart instead of four years apart. The system used is more accurate and more complicated, and is based on the time of the March equinox as observed from Tehran. The 33-year period is not completely regular; every so often the 33-year cycle will be broken by a cycle of 29 or 37 years.


Long term leap year rules
The accumulated difference between the Gregorian calendar and the vernal equinoctial year amounts to 1 day in about 8,000 years. This suggests that the calendar needs to be improved by another refinement to the leap year rule: perhaps by avoiding leap years in years evenly divisible by 8,000.

(The most common such proposal is to avoid leap years in years evenly divisible by 4,000. This is based on the difference between the Gregorian calendar and the mean tropical year. Others claim, erroneously, that the Gregorian calendar itself already contains a refinement of this kind.)

A system of 128-year-based leap years has been proposed[citation needed], and it can be adopted directly without any modification to current leap year calculations until the year 2048 because no year between now and 2048 is divisable by 128. This rule gives a mean year of 365 + 1/4 − 1/128 = 365.2578125 days, which is 365 days, 6 hours, 11 minutes, and 15 seconds.

However, there is little point in planning a calendar so far ahead because over a timescale of tens of thousands of years the number of days in a year will change for a number of reasons, most notably:

Precession of the equinoxes moves the position of the vernal equinox with respect to perihelion and so changes the length of the vernal equinoctial year.
Tidal acceleration from the sun and moon slows the rotation of the earth, making the day longer.

In particular, the second component of change depends on such things as post-glacial rebound and sea level rise due to climate change. We can't predict these changes accurately enough to be able to make a calendar that will be accurate to a day in tens of thousands of years.


Folk traditions
In the English speaking a world, it is a tradition that women may propose marriage only on leap years. While it has been argued that the tradition was initiated by Saint Patrick or Brigid of Kildare in 5th century Ireland, it is dubious as the tradition has not been attested before the 19th century. Supposedly, a 1288 law by Queen Margaret of Scotland (then age five and living in Norway), required that fines be levied if a marriage proposal was refused by the man; compensation ranged from a kiss to £1 to a silk gown, in order to soften the blow. Because men felt that put them at too great a risk, the tradition was in some places tightened to restricting female proposals to the modern leap day, 29 February, or to the medieval leap day, 24 February. According to Felten: "A play from the turn of the 17th century, 'The Maydes Metamorphosis,' has it that 'this is leape year/women wear breeches.' A few hundred years later, breeches wouldn't do at all: Women looking to take advantage of their opportunity to pitch woo were expected to wear a scarlet petticoat -- fair warning, if you will.".

In Greece, it is believed that getting married in a leap year is bad luck for the couple. Thus, mainly in the middle of the past century, couples avoided setting a marriage date in a leap year.

A person with a birthday on the leap day may be called a "leapling". In common years they usually celebrate their birthdays on 28 February or 1 March.

For legal purposes, their legal birthdays depend on how different laws count time intervals. In Taiwan, for example, the legal birthday of a leapling is 28 February in common years, so a Taiwanese leapling born on February 29, 1980 would have legally reached 18 years old on February 28, 1998.

“ If a period fixed by weeks, months, and years does not commence from the beginning I Luv Leap Year!of a week, month, or year, it ends with the ending of the day which proceeds the day of the last week, month, or year which corresponds to that on which it began to commence. But if there is no corresponding day in the last month, the period ends with the ending of the last day of the last month. ”

In some situations, March 1 is used as the birthday in a non-leap year since it then is the day just after February 28.

There are many instances in children's literature where a person's claim to be only a quarter of their actual age turns out to be based on counting only their leap-year birthdays. A similar device is used in the plot of the Gilbert and Sullivan operetta The Pirates of Penzance.

*Wikipedia

Friday, February 28, 2020

LETTERS THE LOVE DOCTOR ADMITS HE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER

Love Doctor Dear Love Doctor,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?


Dear Love Doctor,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence On my VCR?


Dear Love Doctor,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.


Dear Love Doctor,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.



Dear Love Doctor,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.


Dear Love Doctor,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


Dear Love Doctor,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?


Dear Love Doctor,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.


Dear Love Doctor,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.



(I love this one!!)
Dear Love Doctor,

My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.


Dear Love Doctor,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a Doctor. Now what do I do?

Obviously jokes. But if you have a real love question, Ask The Love Doctor!


--Send your questions about love to "The Love Doctor" directly from 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow! I have added an email link that goes direct to The Love Doctor - this will enable quicker responses from him. You can do this by clicking on his picture in the sidebar and put your question in the email. This will ensure that The Love Doctor gets your question. The Love Doctor forwards his replies to me for posting consideration. Note: Due to the high volume of letters that The Love Doctor receives, not all letters will be posted on 'OZ' - but the Love Doctor will reply to every email. (so he says)

The Power of Words

This is a wonderful, thought-provoking, one minute clip

Full of wisdom. . . . and very brief.

It's not a joke, it's not religious, it's not political.

It's just . . . special. I think you'll agree.

Please enjoy this one minute clip; it is truly special. It has a meaning for all of us.


Please take a second to provide feedback for The Wizard

things...

This afternoon's posts are some of my reader's and my favourites. Enjoy!
What Goes On When You Sleep...

What You Don't Know...

"The Fly Story"

Click here
Click above to watch the story.

I'm Super, Thanks for asking...

I'm SUPER... Thanks For Asking!
Big Gay Al
Click above to hear the song. 
This one will open your Media player.

The Ultimate Tooth Whitener On A Budget!

For The Ultimate in Whiter Teeth
Click above to find out more!

Strip Tease

Click here to watch him take it all off!


Click above to watch him take it all off!

A Saskatchewan Taste Treat!

We grow 'em BIG here in Saskabush!

Chocolate Covered Grasshoppers

Ingredients:
baker's chocolate
candied crickets

Directions:
Melt baker's chocolate in double boiler.
Fill molds halfway with chocolate, add grasshoppers, fill rest of the way.

A tasty surprise in every one!

What Do You Think Caused Your Heterosexuality?

Click here to find out
Click above to find out why you are heterosexual
and what can be done to help you recover.

biarn teirwsts

Spark up the ol' gray matter!

1) The Elder Twin

One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?

2) Manhole Covers

Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.

3) The Deadly Party

A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

4) Trouble with Sons

A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

5) The Man in the Bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.

Click here for the answers.

Very Punny

A man tried to phone the King of the Jungle.

All he got was a recorded message saying, "All the lions are busy right now. Please try later."

WOO-HOO!

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

WOO-HOO!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

WOO-HOO!

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Warning

There has been an increased rate of robbery using handguns in Canada. I warn you that some people may find this picture too graphic. DO NOT click here if you are weak of mind.

100 Reasons To Be Gay

In celebration of the mirth it caused I thought I’d share it with you all. Aren’t I kind ? If you’re on a random joke list then you might have seen it before, but the oldies are always the best (unless you’re lucky enough to pull some young chicken) and we say share and share alike (unless its an STD).

So, here are 100 reasons to be gay. How many can you own up to ?

Click here.

Punography

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The Gunfighter

Gunfighter
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who - in his day - had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot the cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' something here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in the corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it ALL over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your a**, and it won't hurt as much!"

Do You Do Scrabble or just love word-play?

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS :
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS :
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS ! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT :
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Thursday, February 27, 2020

Let's Talk About Suicide

suicidal thoughts
Since that is usually the exact opposite of what people tend to do when encountering an individual with suicidal thoughts. It's kind of a quiz, but I give the answers immediately after the question.

Usually a person planning to commit suicide displays some warning signs. Unfortunately it is often only in hindsight that these are recognized. Which of the following is NOT an early warning sign that a person may be intending to suicide?
1. Changes in sleep pattern
2. Giving away possessions
3. Withdrawing from family and friends
4. Making plans to attend a family function

4. Making plans to attend a family function
There are many behaviours that could suggest a person may be contemplating suicide. Some of most common include; changes to eating habits, sleep pattern, personal hygiene or drug use; risk taking behaviour; expressing thoughts of hopelessness, helplessness or despair; feelings of guilt, failure or shame; an increased interest in suicide or death; making arrangements for loved ones or pets; or having suffered a recent bereavement or other loss (e.g. job or relationship). It is crucial that anybody experiencing any of these symptoms receive help immediately.


Given that depression is the highest risk factor of suicide, once a person starts receiving treatment for depression they are immediately at a lower risk of suicide.
A. True
B. False

B. False
The risk of suicide is actually higher once a person's mood begins to lift. This is because a person suffering from major depression can be very lethargic, and although they may desire to die, they simply do not have the energy to attempt to harm themselves. Once treatment is commenced they may find they have more energy, though as they are not yet properly treated for depression, their outlook on the future remains hopeless.

In the United States of America the most common method of suicide is by firearms, which accounts for more than half of all deaths. Access to guns in Canada is limited and use of a firearm to commit suicide is the fourth most common method. What method accounts for the highest proportion of suicides in Canada?
1. Drowning
2. Hanging
3. Cutting (e.g. wrists)
4. Carbon Monoxide poisoning

2. Hanging
Methods of suicide differ depending on the age and sex of a person. For males in Canada hanging is the most common method of suicide (38%), followed by carbon monoxide poisoning (24%), firearms (14%) and other poison (9%). For females, hanging is also the most common method (30%), followed closely by poisoning by liquid or solid (27%), carbon monoxide poisoning (19%) and jumping (5%). Drowning and cutting contribute to less than 1% of all suicides.

Often people don't want to ask a loved one if he or she is thinking of suicide as they are afraid they will "put the idea in their head". This is not the case, and is an important question to ask. Once you have established that a person is suicidal, what is the next important thing to ask?
1. How they could be so selfish
2. How they plan to commit suicide
3. Why they plan to commit suicide
4. Why they are depressed

3. How they plan to commit suicide
While a person with vague suicidal thoughts is at a high risk of committing suicide, a person with an actual plan of HOW they will commit suicide is at an extreme and imminent risk. This is especially true if the method is easily available and they have set a time. This does not mean that a person without any well thought out plan will not attempt suicide, and indeed a person with only passive suicidal ideation (e.g. I wish I would just die in my sleep) is still at risk of suicide and in need of immediate professional attention.

OK, you have established that your friend is suicidal. Under what circumstances would it be safe to leave them alone?
1. If they are in their own home
2. If you need to go to work or school
3. They shouldn't be alone
4. Once they appear happier

3. They shouldn't be alone
A person who is actively suicidal should not be left alone at all. Even the average bedroom contains items such as sheets, electrical cords, belts and shoelaces that can be used in an attempted hanging. If you are unable to stay with them, arrange for another trusted person to be with them or take them to where they can see a mental health professional. A sudden change in mood from depressed to happy or at ease is a warning sign for suicide. Often once a person makes the decision to suicide, they feel relieved as their perceived problems will soon be over.


What should you NOT do if a person tells you they are having suicidal thoughts?
1. Promise to keep their secret
2. Be willing to listen
3. Talk openly and directly
4. Take them seriously

1. Promise to keep their secret
A person with suicidal thoughts often believes that he or she is beyond help. You are not violating a privileged communication by talking to a mental health professional in order to ensure they receive the help they need. All suicide threats should be taken seriously. Although it can be difficult, it is important not to judge the person and to discuss the topic freely without showing shock or disapproval.

Never used on its own, a suicide contract is a tool that can be utilized in the long term management of a person with suicidality. A suicide contract can be a verbal agreement, but more commonly is a written contract signed by the person at risk of suicide. The contract will obviously include a clause not to harm themselves, but what else should be included in the contract?
1. Information about depression and symptoms
2. A list of reasons not to commit suicide
3. Names and phone-numbers of support people
4. Legal terminology

3. Names and phone-numbers of support people
A suicide contract is NOT a guarantee that a person will not commit suicide, and is always used in conjunction with counseling and/or medication. While a medical practitioner may use a suicide contract, its effectiveness in preventing suicide has not been clinically proven. A suicide contract can however be useful in establishing rapport and trust between the clinician and client. If it is decided that a suicide contract would be useful, then the contract should be as simple as possible, including a guarantee not to suicide and who to contact if the person is feeling suicidal. The contract should be kept in an easily accessible area in the home.

A person's risk of suicide is increased if he or she attempted suicide in the past.
A. True
B. False

A. True
Past suicide attempts are one the major risk factors of suicide, and recent attempts are of particular importance. This is one of the first questions a mental health professional will ask when assessing a person's suicide risk. Having a family member who has committed suicide is also a risk factor.


Suicidal thoughts are often a symptom of depression. CBT, used in conjunction with medication, has been proven effective in treating depression. What does CBT stand for?
1. Cognitive behavioural therapy
2. Comprehensive brain therapy
3. Complete behavioural therapy
4. Computerized brain tomography

1. Cognitive behavioural therapy
Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is a form of psychotherapy for people affected by mental illness. CBT involves a qualified health professional talking to the person about their symptoms, and working on alternative ways of thinking about and coping with them and their effects.

Along with grief, family and friends may feel stigmatised and isolated after a suicide death. What would be a helpful response to a person in this situation?
1. All of these answers
2. Be aware of difficult times such as anniversaries or holidays
3. Talk about the person who has died
4. Listen without judging

1. All of these answers
Just being available to listen is the most important thing you can do. Suicide usually comes as a shock as the death is not expected, and the survivors need time to grieve. There still remains a social stigma attached to suicide that family members may have to deal with. Offering practical support such as shopping or cooking and finding information on support groups is another way you can help. Remember suicide is preventable.

**About 3,600 people commit suicide in Canada each year. That's about 10 suicides per day.
**About four times more men will commit suicide this year than women.
**Women make 3 to 4 times more suicide attempts than men. Women are also hospitalized for attempted suicide at 1.5 times the rate of men.
**For every suicide death, there are an estimated 20 to 25 attempts.
**Canada has a suicide rate of about 11 per 100,000. That's a slightly higher rate than the U.S.
**Canadians are about 6 times more likely to commit suicide than they are to be a victim of homicide.
**For people between the ages of 15 and 44, suicide is the fourth leading cause of death.
**The most-common method of completed suicide in Canada was suffocation, principally hanging. These account for 40 per cent of completed suicides. Poisoning, which includes drug overdoses and inhalation of motor vehicle exhaust, is the next most-common.
**By far, the most common method of self-injury and suicide attempts leading to hospitalization is poisoning.
**Suicide rates for the immigrant population are about half those for the Canadian-born.
**Suicide accounts for 24 percent of all deaths among 15-24 year old Canadians.
**Suicide is the second leading cause of death for Canadians between the ages of 10 and 24.
**The rate of suicide among Aboriginals is twice the national rate. Among women, the rate of suicide for Aboriginal is three times the national rate.

Oh yah!

silly christian!

Telemarketer Revenge

Terrorize A Telemarketer

Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers? Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

Telemarketer Revenge

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.

Telemarketer Revenge

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

Telemarketer Revenge

7. If a long-distance provider calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

Telemarketer Revenge

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

Telemarketer Revenge

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.

12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

Telemarketer Revenge

13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.

Telemarketer Revenge

15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell. If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not since it is such a great product.

Telemarketer Revenge

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder ...louder ... louder...

Telemarketer Revenge

19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back. If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home. If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.