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Monday, April 30, 2012

Funny break-ups (Expletives!)

The Car

Pissed Off

Lost Dog

Poor Scott Kelly

The law of the wild - this sure puts humanity to shame !!

The Law Of The Wild says kill only when you are hungry

Photographer Michel Denis-Huot, who captured these amazing pictures on safari in Kenya's Masai Mara in October last year, said he was astounded by what he saw:

"These three brothers (cheetahs) have been living together since they left their mother at about 18 months old,' he said. 'On the morning we saw them, they seemed not to be hungry, walking quickly but stopping sometimes to play together. 'At one point, they met a group of impala who ran away. But one youngster was not quick enough and the brothers caught it easily'."

These extraordinary scenes followed.

Photographer Michel Denis-Huot, who captured these amazing pictures on safari in Kenya's Masai Mara
Photographer Michel Denis-Huot, who captured these amazing pictures on safari in Kenya's Masai Mara
Photographer Michel Denis-Huot, who captured these amazing pictures on safari in Kenya's Masai Mara
Photographer Michel Denis-Huot, who captured these amazing pictures on safari in Kenya's Masai Mara

and then they just walked away without hurting him..........

*Thanks, DW

"My Way" by Andre Rieu

A renowned Dutch violinist, conductor and composer and his orchestra did a tribute to Frank Sinatra with My Way, on his Stradivarius violin at Radio City Music Hall –

Hope you enjoy this lovely and moving piece of music. My partner and I saw him in ToonTown. Awesome talent!

*Thanks, DW

Saturday, April 28, 2012


English - I Love You

French - Je T'aime

Italian - Ti Amo

Chinese - Wo Ai Nin

Saskatchewan - Nice ass, get in the truck

Pretty Sneaky - The Border Crossing

The Border Crossing Click here

A Short movie. Click above.

Use 'Back' to return to 'OZ'

Rules to Enter Saskatchewan

Applies to each person as they enter Saskatchewan.

Learn &remember: West Coast and Ontario-types pay particular attention!

1. Pull your droopy pants up.
You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle &oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy #1 goes east and west, Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat pickerel. You really want sushi &caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and dill.
Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Vancouver call that stuff you eat... It AINT REAL STEW!! Stew was born and bred in Saskatchewan.... and real stew never met a zuchini!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. Curling and bowling is as important here as the Canuckss and the Senators, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Universities? Try University of Saskatchewan, University of Regina or SIAST. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. Percentage wise - We have more folks in the Army, Navy, and Air Force, than any other province, so "Don't Mess with Saskatchewan" If you do, it will get you whipped by the best.

17. Always remember what a great Prime Minister once said:

"Saskatchewan can make it without the Quebec, but Quebec can't make it without Saskatchewan."

Hear! Hear! For Saskatchewan!!!

Friday, April 27, 2012

Guess what cup size?

Guess what cup size?

Okay, what did you guess????
Click above


Click here

A PowerPoint. Click above

Dear Diary

It's fun to cook for John. Today I made angel food cake.

The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

John wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when John brought a friend home for supper.

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Today John asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.

It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to John asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

John did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason John keeps counting to ten.

John's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on John.

If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

Plumbing Truck

Thursday, April 26, 2012

July 2012

Turns out none in this post is true! 

This year, July will have 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays.

This happens only once every 823 years. Doubt it really means anything!

*Thanks, DW


original sin
Now ladies... just a joke eh?
*Thanks Dwight


*Thanks, DW


Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Important pet info!

PLEASE spay or neuter your pets! This is a tragic example of an in-bread dog:

inbread dog

Gay jokes not so funny

In a recent sketch on Saturday Night Live, a cashier compliments Andy Samberg and Jason Sudeikis playing a cute pair of gentlemen out antiquing together. This sends them into an annoyed search for a way to inform people that they are NOT gay, and are in fact two single, handsome and eligible men looking to impress women as much as the next guy. The rest of the sketch is a silly ad for matching “just friends” booty shorts, but the message from the beginning sets the tone for the rest: it’s not cool to be gay, so avoid making people think you are at all costs.

I am frustrated at the pseudo-progressive culture which continually allows sketches like this to pass as funny. Supposedly, gay is generally OK in our modern, broad-minded society. Most mainstream television series’ and movies don’t outwardly articulate hatred towards queer folks, so one can assume, based on a quick flip through the channels that it’s safe and acceptable to identify as LGBTQ. However, I constantly see the motif perpetuated by the SNL sketch complicate the message that gay is OK, but if someone ever assumes a straight person swings the other way? That’s just offensive. So offensive that straight women are encouraged to keep their hair long and wear make-up so no one mistakes them for lesbians. So offensive that men with higher voices and who illustrate their words with gestures assert masculinity in other ways to avoid being assumed gay.

Why do we laugh at jokes that criticize people for acting gay? Why is it understood that we should be insulted if someone questions our straight-as-an-arrow sexuality? I believe it’s because, despite promises that it’s acceptable to have same-sex attraction or relationships, it’s still seen as undesirable or unattractive to be gay.

The overall message being extended is that it’s shameful to be a queer person, so you should be embarrassed if you behave like one. I see this pattern as mirroring the fear of acting like a woman if you’re a man. I hear men criticize each other for acting too much like women on a near-daily basis. This is clear when someone comments that his friend throws like a girl, or when a man is sarcastically asked if he needs to change his tampon if he’s displaying emotion or sensitivity. Straight and queer men and women police each other to make sure that everyone falls into their assigned role. This is not a tradition preserved only by straight folks or men.

There is obviously a history of people from oppressed identities facing criticism or spiteful comments, and gay people and women aren’t the only ones affected. I commonly witness recognition that using the term “retarded” derogatorily is hurtful and problematic, and I want to see this analysis extended to the habit of people using “gay” or “like a girl” as insults. I want to see people reflect when they or others use the phrase “no homo” to quickly remind their friends of their straightness, and to compassionately call each other out in instances like this. I can continue to wittily follow up my particularly queer statements with “yes homo,” or straight folks can live up to their roles as allies by avoiding these types of judgmental and insensitive comments in the first place.

I know this SNL sketch was intended to be funny, like every other joke that centers around “acting gay.” But this is an issue that hurts me every time a woman asks me if she looks like a lesbian in her plaid shirt and expects me to comfort her with “no,” not with, “Hell yes, and the ladies are gonna love it.” It hurts straight and gay men, because it dictates that they don’t display love for their friends for fear of being criticized. It hurts all LGBTQ folks who are told that they have allies in the fight for equality, but who know that most heterosexual people actually feel embarrassed when they are thought to be anything but straight.
I want to move towards a place where two straight friends who are called a cute couple can be flattered, or who can at the very least not be offended. I don’t think that this can happen until more people stop laughing at humor like this and start acknowledging how hurtful it can be when jokes are made at queer folks’ expense.

Julia Ozog is a Collegian contributor from the Everywoman’s Center. She can be reached at jozog@student.umass.edu. More information about the Everywoman’s Center can be found at www.umass.edu/ewc.

The problem is not how they got there...

...It's how do you get them out?!




PLEASE! HOW????!!!

Mother of All Hot Wheels Tracks - Part 1 - YouTube

Obviously his wife wasn’t home when he did this.  Neither was his neighbours. This guy might be on to something, we don’t need fuel to run our cars, just the Hot Wheels black things he used.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Parking problems solved

Parking problems solved

A short video. Click above.

World's Easiest Quiz...

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Burning question mark

All done? To check your answers click here.

Quarter Horse

Thought you might like this for your animal collection. Scroll down, please.

Quarter Horse


An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an
aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Sears and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Final Will



*Thanks, Dwight

Elder Banking... PRICELESS!!

Proven false on snopes, but I thought it was funny

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

 You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:


#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


Enjoy a new word and add it to your vocabulary !


*Thanks, DW

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Riddle Me This!

What is this?

What is this?

Riddle me this! -Answer. Click here

Click above for the answer.


Even in the globalized world we live in, there are still differences between countries that makes them unique. The language, the culture and now as scientific research has proved, the size of the male sexual organ.

[ClickPress, Wed Jan 11 2006] Even in the globalized world we live in, there are still differences between countries that makes them unique. The language, the culture and now as scientific research has proved, the size of the male sexual organ.

Dr. Eduardo Gomez de Diego, CEO of Andromedical, a men’s medical company, decided it was time to confirm or deny the myths about the penis size around the world after treating more than 2,000 patients interested in enlarging the size of their penis. Dr. Gomez de Diego, the European Expert on such delicate issue, compiled scientific data from 15 countries.

The study results showed that the average world size penis when erect is 14 centimetres (5.5 inches). The biggest averages were registered in France 16 cm (6.2 in), Italy 15 cm (5.9 in), Mexico 14.9 cm (5.8 in) and Spain 14 cm (5.5 in). In the United States, the average is 12.9 cm (5 in), in Canada, the average is 15.5 cm (6.1 in) while in Venezuela is 12,7 cm (4.9 in), and in Brazil is 12.4 cm (4.8 in). The smallest averages were found in India 10.2 cm (3.9 in) and South Korea 9,6 cm (3.7 in).

Cussing Problem

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

Saturday, April 21, 2012

So Ya wanna be a wino?

Click here to apply
Click above to apply


What's doing, Norm?
"Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig."

What's up, Norm?
"My nipples. It's freezing out there."

What's shaking, Norm?
"All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

What's new, Norm?
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."

What'd you like, Normie?
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

What'll you have, Normie?
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap."
Looks like beer, Norm.
"Call me Mister Lucky."

Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
"Like a baby treats a diaper

What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
"The Bobbsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
I'm sorry to hear that.
"No, I mean pour."

How's life treating you, Norm?
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."

What's going down, Normie?
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

How's it going, Mr. Peterson?
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

What's the story, Norm?
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
For a beer?
"No, for stupid questions."

What's the story, Norm?
"Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it."

What's new, Norm?
"Most of my wife."

Beer, Norm?
"Naah, I'd probably just drink it."

What's doing, Norm?
"Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig."

Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

How about a beer, Norm?
"Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life."

How's a beer sound, Norm?
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

Beer, Normie?
"Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young."

Norm comes in with an attractive woman. Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
"With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe."

What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
"Going down?"

What'll it be, Normie?
"Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

What do you say, Norm?
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer."

[coming in from the rain] "Evening, everybody."
Still pouring, Norm?
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

Whaddya say, Norm?
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."

[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama] Off-screen crowd: Norm!
Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
Cliff: He's got a life, you know.

What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
"Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer."

How's life, Mr. Peterson?
"Oh, I'm waiting for the movie."

What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
"Elope with my wife."

How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
"Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp."

What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
"The question, Woody, why is it happening to me?"

How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
"Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better."

Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
"See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers."

Well, look at you. You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.
"And I need a beer to wash him down."

Hey, Mr. Peterson, how's life?
"Well, the plot's okay, Woody, but it kind of falls apart at the end."

What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
"Let's talk about what's going in Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody."

How's life treating you?
"It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't."

Beer, Norm?
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

What do you know there, Norm?
"How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?"

Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
"Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead."

How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
"Pretty nervous if I was in the room."

Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
"The warranty on my liver."

What can I do for you, Norm?
"Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam."

What's going on, Normie?
"My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver."

How about a beer, Norm?
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

What's shaking Mr. Peterson?
"What isn't?"

How's it going, Norm?
"Cut the small talk and get me a beer."

What can I do for you Norm?
"Well, I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer so how about a first one?"

How's life Norm?
" Ask a man whose got one."

What'll you have, Norm?
"Fame, fortune, and fast women."
How 'bout a beer?
"Even better."

How's the world treating you, Norm?
"Like I just ran over its dog."

The Bear

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate
*Thanks, Daryn!


Friday, April 20, 2012

Too Cool!

Watch a woman being drawn from the inside out!

Kitty Thoughts

When I was just a kitten,
My mother said to me.
"Someday, you'll have a human pet,
They're cuddly and they're free".
She said "They're awful clumsy,
They stumble, trip, and fall.
They cannot even see a Cat,
Sleeping in a hall".
"They act as if they own the place,
They're bossy every day".
"You'll learn you must ignore them
It's just the human way".
So, I took my Mom's advice,
I got a human pet.
I have named her Bev,
And she's cuddly as they get.
Owning Bev's been some fun,
And usually we are friends.
But she can be a handful,
I'm glad she wasn't twins.
Humans really aren't too bright,
Their brains are small, I guess.
While trying hard to train her,
I've not had much success.
She doesn't seem to understand,
How things are 'posed to be.
She insists on being headstrong,
Not mellowed out, like me.
She hasn't learned to lick herself,
To keep her body clean.
And when it comes to purring,
She isn't very keen.
She plays on her computer,
Just wasting time away.
When playing with a ball of string,
Could really make her day.
She's seems content to sit there,
Banging on those keys.
While I inspect her ankles,
Checking them for fleas.
When my neighbors visit me,
We sneak out to the bushes.
We laugh about our human pets,
While sitting on our tushes.
Bev's getting up in years,
And becoming rather slow.
There are a lot of cats out there,
Who'd say she has to go.
But I'm inclined to keep her,
I've considered this a lot.
Why train another human pet,
When I love the one I've GOT.

Missing Missy

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9:15 AM
To: David Thorne
Subject: Poster


I opened the screen door yesterday and my cat got out and has been missing since then. So, I was wondering, if you are not too busy, could you make a poster for me. The size has to be A4 and I will photocopy it and put it around my suburb this afternoon.

This is the only photo I have of her. She answers to the name Missy and is black and white and about 8 months old. She went missing on Harper Street and add my phone number.



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9:26 AM
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

That is shocking news. Luckily I was sitting down when I read your email and not halfway up a ladder or tree.

How are you holding up? I am surprised you managed to attend work at all what with thinking about Missy out there, cold, frightened and alone... possibly lying on the side of the road, her back legs squashed by a vehicle, calling out, "Shannon, where are you?"

Although I have two clients expecting completed work this afternoon, I will, of course, drop everything and do whatever it takes to facilitate the speedy return of Missy.



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 9:37 AM
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Poster

Yeah, OK, thanks.

I know you don't like cats but I am really worried about mine. I have to leave at 1 PM today.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10:17 AM
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

I never said I don't like cats. Once, having been invited to a party, I went clothes shopping beforehand and bought a pair of expensive G-Star boots. They were two sizes too small but I wanted them so badly I figured I could just wear them without socks and cut my toenails very short.

As the party was only a few blocks from my place, I decided to walk. After the first block, I lost all feeling in my feet. Arriving at the party, I stumbled into a guy named Steven, spilling Malibu and coke onto his white Wham "Choose Life" T-shirt, and he punched me.

An hour or so after the incident, Steven sat down in a chair already occupied by a cat. The surprised cat clawed and snarled causing Steven to leap out of the chair, slip on a rug and strike his forehead onto the corner of a speaker; resulting in a two inch open gash.

In its shock, the cat also defecated, leaving Steven with a foul stain down the back of his beige cargo pants.

I liked that cat.

Attached poster as requested.



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10:24 AM
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Yeah, that's not what I was looking for at all. It looks like a movie. And, how come the photo of Missy is so small?

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10:28 AM
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

It's a design thing. The cat is lost in the negative space.



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10:33 AM
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

That's just stupid! Can you do it properly please? I am extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears. You seem to think it is funny.

Can you make the photo bigger, fix the text, and do it in colour please.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10:46 AM
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Dear Shannon,

Having worked with designers for a few years now, I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism. I don't come downstairs and tell you how to send text messages, log onto Facebook and look out of the window. I am willing to overlook this faux pas due to you no doubt being preoccupied with thoughts of Missy attempting to make her way home across busy intersections or being trapped in a drain as it slowly fills with water.

I spent three days down a well once but that was just for fun.

I have amended and attached the poster as per your instructions.



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 10:59 AM
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

This is worse than the other one! Can you make it so it shows the whole photo of Missy and delete the stupid text that says "Missing Missy" off it.

I just want it to say "Lost".

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11:14 AM
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11:21 AM
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Poster

Yeah, can you do the poster or not?

I just want a photo and the word lost and the telephone number and when and where she was lost and her name. Not like a movie poster or anything stupid. I have to leave early today. If it was your cat I would help you.


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11:32 AM
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Awww

Dear Shannon,

I don't have a cat. I once agreed to look after a friend's cat for a week but after he dropped it off at my apartment and explained the concept of kitty litter, I kept the cat in a closed cardboard box in the shed and forgot about it.

If I wanted to feed something and clean a litter box, I wouldn't have put my mother in that home after her stroke. A week later, when my friend came to collect his cat, I pretended that I was not home and mailed the box to him. Apparently I failed to put enough stamps on the package and he had to collect it from the post office and pay eighteen dollars.

He still goes on about that sometimes. People need to learn to let go.

I have attached the amended version of your poster as per your detailed instructions.



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11:47 AM
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Awww

That's not my cat. Where did you get that picture from? That cat is orange! I gave you a photo of my cat.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 11:58 AM
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Awww

I know, but that one is cute. As Missy has quite possibly met any one of several violent ends, it is possible you might get a better cat out of this. If anybody calls and says, "I haven't seen your orange cat, but I did find a black and white one with its hind legs run over by a car, do you want it?" You can politely decline and save yourself a costly veterinarian bill.

I knew someone who had a basset hound that had its hind legs removed after an accident and it had to walk around with one of those little buggies with wheels. If it had been my dog I would have asked for all its legs to be removed and replaced with wheels and had a remote control installed. I could charge neighbourhood kids for rides and enter it in races. If I did the same with a horse I could drive it to work. I would call it Steven.



From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:07 PM
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Please just use the photo I gave you.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:22 PM
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:34 PM
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

I didn't say there was a reward. I don't have $2000 dollars! What did you even put that there for? Apart from that, it is perfect. Can you please remove the reward bit.



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:42 PM
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:51 PM
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Can you please take the reward bit off altogether? I have to leave in ten minutes and I still have to make photocopies of it.

From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 12:56 PM
To: Shannon Walkley
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

From: Shannon Walkley
Date: Monday 21 June 2010 1:03 PM
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Awww

Fine! That will have to do.