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Thursday, December 31, 2020

Funeral Announcement

FUNERAL ANNOUNCEMENT 

Hello it is with deepest heartfelt condolences that I inform you about the death of our beloved friend and well known Mrs. 2020. She is survived by her 12 husbands , 52 children and 365 grand children. The funeral arrangements will take place on Thursday December 31st at 11: 59 pm. For more information contact Pastor January at phone number 01 01 2021 

However, 2020 asked me to inform you that she died with ALL your problems, sickness, disappointment, frustration, untimely death, shame, disgrace, discouragement, failure, pain and rejection. 

Her successor - Mrs. 2021 asked me to inform you that she is going to compensate you with: Long life, good health, abundant blessings, peace, joy, righteousness, promotion, uplifting, breakthrough, supernatural miracles, wealth and prosperity. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Don't get caught by the Phishermen!

 
Click here for larger picture

I even have a TD account.. but I don't fall for these!

Mixing Authority and Friendship

A listener once asked me to talk about the special challenges of mixing friendship with authority. The issue often comes up when parents want to be their children`s best friends, teachers invite students to treat them as equals, or managers are overly chummy with the people they supervise.

Clearly, there are benefits to enriching these relationships with the affection, trust, and loyalty that come with friendship. A casual atmosphere where you can call your parent, teacher, or boss "Bob" or "Debby" invites openness and is more pleasant than formal relationships where authority is continually emphasized by titles or other traditions that emphasize the power one person has over the other.

The problem is, sooner or later the expectations of friendship will conflict with the responsibilities of authority. Parents, teachers, and bosses can be friends only up to a point.

Friendships are voluntary. Friends are equals. And since the bonds of friendship are essentially formed by affection, friends have to be concerned with being liked. People in authority, on the other hand, have a job to do. They have to set boundaries, give instructions, and impose discipline, even if it engenders dislike or hostility.

Friends can accept each other without a need to change, improve, or judge, but people with authority have a duty to be more demanding. They have a responsibility to insist on character and competence.

Authority is much more complicated than friendship, and it takes character to be a good parent, teacher, or boss.

*By Michael Josephson, reminding you that character counts

How easy is it to crack your password?

If you have a moment take this Phishing Test - its worth your while to see if you can be duped. The Wizard got 5/8

These are actual repair requests and answers from an airline….

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here is some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an M). By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in c o c k pit.
M: Something tightened in c o c k pit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in c o c k pit.
M: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget

Happy New Year from The Wizard of 'OZ'

 


I went to a party

I went to a party,
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom
So I had a sprite instead.


I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didn't drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.



I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.



I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming,
Mom Something I expected least.



Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.



My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
This girl is going to die.



I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.



So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.



Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven,
Put "Mommy 's Girl" on my grave.



Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had, I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom



I'm getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And I'm so unprepared.


I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, "I love you, Mom!"


So I love you and good-bye.


Click here to go to the MADD homepage

Wednesday, December 30, 2020

R.I.P. Dawn Wells (1938-2020)


Dawn Wells, who became a megastar by playing the sexy Mary Ann on "Gilligan's Island" has died.

Her rep says Dawn died from COVID Wednesday.

Wells was one of 2 surviving members of the cast ... Tina Louise, who played Ginger on the show, is now the sole surviving cast member.

She was The Wizard's favourite - however I did have a crush on The Professor!

WINTER IN SASKATCHEWAN

 

When it's winter in Saskatchewan
And the gentle breezes blow,
About seventy miles an hour
And it's fifty-two below.
You can tell you're in Saskatchewan
'cause the snow's up to your butt,
And you take a breath of winter air
And your noseholes both freeze shut.
The weather here is wonderful,
So I guess I'll hang around,
I could never leave Saskatchewan
My feet are frozen to the ground.

Saskatchewan!

The 411 - The Mood Ring

Mood RingA mood ring is a novelty ring which changes color in response to body temperature, using a thermochromic liquid crystal. The mood ring is a form of biofeedback and supposedly indicates the temperament of the wearer, indicated by the ring's color. Mood rings were a fad whose popularity peaked in the United States in the 1970s, and they are now seen as an icon of 1970s culture.

There are many different types of mood rings, and it generally depends on the manufacturer which mood the colors represent. The ring has however, also appeared as other forms of jewelery including in necklaces, earrings, and toerings. In present day, the finger rings and the earrings are the most popular.

 The Mood Ring was invented in the late 1960s by Marvin Wernick, when he accompanied a doctor to an emergency nearby. The doctor pulled out a strip of thermotropic material to gauge the child's temperature by applying the strip directly to his forehead and jewelery designer Wernick knew he had the makings of a winning item.


Wernick encapsulated ovals of the material within clear glass cameos and glass domes set in brushed gold and silver ring settings. His signature "hang-tag" explained the ring's amazing properties. (Pictures are not original Mood Rings, but independent manufacturers using the concept.)

  While some attribute the invention of the mood ring to Joshua Reynolds, Reynolds won't take credit for it, as he's aware that he was one of the many to jump on the Mood Ring craze, copying a winning (and unfortunately for Wernick, unpatented) item.

Joshua Reynolds reportedly invented the Thighmaster, and was the heir to the Richard Joshua Reynolds tobacco fortune. Reynolds envisioned the mood rings as "portable biofeedback aids", and managed to sell $1 million worth of them in a three month period in 1975. Even so, Reynold's company went bankrupt, victim of a flooded market of imitations.

  The "stone" in a mood ring is, essentially, thermotropic crystals covered or surrounded by glass. These crystals are very sensitive, and when the temperature changes, their components change, or "twist". Light that hits upon the crystals will have different wavelengths absorbed and reflected. The heat from the wearer's finger is conducted to the inside of the ring, and "twists" the crystals inside. The crystals then reflect different wavelengths of light, thereby changing the color of the ring.

Due to fluctuations in the making of mood rings by various companies, interpretation of mood ring colors are not universal. However, a certain standard is fairly Toe Mood Ringprevalent, and is the only one commonly found in any form of documentation. This standard is based on the crystals being calibrated to have the color green reflected at 82 degrees Fahrenheit (27.7 degrees Celsius), which is the typical surface temperature of people. Variations of the actual "neutral temperature", caused by differing surface temperatures among different people, as well as effects from outside temperatures, cause mood ring measurements to differ, and make their readouts rather unreliable.

  Black: Tense, nervous, harassed, overworked; may also indicate a damaged ring

Grey: Anxious, nervous, strained

Amber: Nervous, emotions mixed, unsettled

Green: Average reading. Active, not under great stress

Blue-green: Emotionally charged, somewhat relaxed

Blue: Relaxed, at ease, calm

Dark blue/Purple: happy, romantic, passion

  When people undergo stress, their surface body temperature drops. This is represented in the mood ring's color phasing from the neutral green to amber, to grey, to black. Conversely, a passionate mood causes one's capillariesMood Ring to move closer to the surface, raising surface temperature. This is rendered in the mood ring by the color moving toward blue-green, blue, and then a darkened blue.

A mood ring plays a key part in the 1991 movie My Girl, and the actors that were in the movie now wear mood rings.

"Mood Ring" is a song by Paul Thorn from his 1999 album "Ain't Love Strange"

"Mood Rings" is a song by Relient K about emotional girls and their unpredictability.

Rhythm and blues singer Mýa named her third CD Moodring because she felt that each song represented a different color.

Skate-Gate, an episode of The Replacements, reveals that Dick Daring, Riley and Todd's father, wears a mood ring.

The episode of the TV series "Aladdin" titled "The Flawed Couple" features a villain that uses jewels known as "Mood Stones" which actually change the mood of the person wearing it.


*From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Best Christian One-Liners

 
Flying Jesus

Don't let your worries get the
best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*


Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Peace starts with a smile.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

He who angers you, controls you!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Prayer:

Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.

Disney Trivia

 

Follow Mickey, Donald, and friends through a 3-D adventure on this -- one of the largest seamless screens in the world. What is it?






  Mickey's PhilharMagic.



Mickey's PhilharMagic

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

 


  ON THANKS, BILLY, FOR THAT INSIGHT 
"Its mediocrity was celebrated to an art form, but only in retrospect."

 

--actor Billy Zane, on avant-garde cinema

Canadian Style Cheerleaders

You don't have to live in the South to know that FOOTBALL IS KING! But the game wouldn't be complete without the cheerleaders, and looking around the country here are some of the finest:




The EE Cheerleaders

The Edmonton Eskimo Cheerleaders
The Montreal Alouettes Cheer Team

The Montreal Alouettes Cheer Team
The Saskatchewan RoughRiders...

The Saskatchewan RoughRiders...
RIDER Melon Heads
Go Riders!

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Good Question

What gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts neatly in a hole & works best when jerked?



A Seatbelt you pervert! Now Buckle Up!


GOTCHA !!!!!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2020

Over 30 Club

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .... uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda.....And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!! There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your  mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!

Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Regards,

The over 30 Crowd

TRUE or FALSE

 


L. Frank Baum, author of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, also wrote under the pseudonym Edith Van Dyne.






As Edith Van Dyne, L. Frank Baum (1856–1919) wrote books for girls, for example the Aunt Jane’s Nieces series. He also wrote under other pen names, such as Laura Bancroft and Floyd Akers. By the way, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, published in 1900, has 13 sequels, including Tik-Tok of Oz, The Road to Oz, The Patchwork Girl of Oz, and The Emerald City of Oz.






L. Frank Baum

A Liger! - AWESOME Animal

On a typical day he will devour 200 lb of meat, usually beef or chicken, and is capable of eating 100 lb at a single setting. At just three years old, Hercules already weighs half a ton.

He is the unintentional result of two enormous big cats living close together at the Institute of Greatly Endangered and Rare Species, in Miami , Florida , and already dwarfs both his parents. "Ligers are not something we planned on having," said institute owner Dr Bhagavan Antle. "We have lions and tigers living together in large enclosures and at first we had no idea how well one of the lion boys was getting along with a tiger girl, then lo and behold we had a liger." These two cats don't normally have the opportunity to breed in the wild, as most lions live in Africa and most tigers in Asia.

50mph runner... Not only that, but he likes to swim, a feat unheard of among water-fearing lions. In the wild it is virtually impossible for lions and tigers to mate Not only are they enemies likely to kill one another. But incredible though he is, Hercules is not unique. Ligers have been bred in captivity, deliberately and accidentally, since shortly before World War II.

Today there are believed to be a handful of ligers around the world and a similar number of tigons, the product of a tiger father and lion mother. Tigons are smaller than ligers and take on more physical characteristics of the tiger.

Look at the size of the head on this thing..

Check out the fangs - like pre-historic days...

For you animal lovers......... and even those who aren't. This is pretty cool.

Signs That You Are Suffering From Work Burnout...

 
Stressed

You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell".

Your friends call to ask how you've been and you immediately scream "Get off my back, bitch!"

Your garbage can IS your "IN" box.

You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

Stressed

You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.

Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

Stressed

You sleep more at work than at home.

You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.

You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.

Telemarketer Revenge

 Terrorize A Telemarketer

Do you get lots of annoying calls from telemarketers? Don't get upset about it! Use the opportunity to get a laugh!



1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.



2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

Telemarketer Revenge

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.



4. If they are selling a lawn service to make your grass grow better, tell them it grows to fast now and green is not your favorite color anyway.

Telemarketer Revenge

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.



6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

Telemarketer Revenge

7. If a long-distance provider calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"



8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

Telemarketer Revenge

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.



10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

Telemarketer Revenge


11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh No!" and then hang up.



12. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

Telemarketer Revenge

13. Tell them it is dinnertime, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.



14. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some food.

Telemarketer Revenge

15. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.



16. Ask the telemarketer if they use the product they are trying to sell. If they do, ask for a complete report. If they don't, ask them why not since it is such a great product.

Telemarketer Revenge

17. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"



18. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up ...louder ...louder ... louder...

Telemarketer Revenge

19. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.



20. Tell them that you are busy and ask for their phone number so you can call them back. If they say that they don't give out their phone number or they don't take calls, then ask for the caller's personal phone number at home. If then they say that they don't like being called at home, quickly say "Bingo!" and hang up.