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Friday, May 31, 2019

Useless Facts

MMM Trivia night - Homer Simpson



It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The plastic things on the ends of shoelaces are called aglets.

Maine is the toothpick capital of the world.

"Bookkeeper" and "bookkeeping" are the only words in the English language with three consecutive double letters.

The name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box is Bingo.

Welsh mercenary bowmen in the medieval period only wore one shoe at a time.

New Jersey has a spoon museum featuring over 5400 spoons from every state and almost every country.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's A Wonderful Life".

Alaska is the most northern, western and eastern state; it also has the highest latitude, the most eastern longitude and the most western longitude.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

The metal part at the end of a pencil is twenty percent sulfur.

Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home to a sellout crowd; the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.

The only member of the band ZZ Top without a beard has the last name Beard.

There is a seven letter word in the English language that contains eleven words without rearranging any of its letters; "therein": therein, herein, there, rein, her, here, ere, the, he, in, re.

You would have to count to one thousand to use the letter "a" in the English language to spell a whole number.

111 111 111 x 111 111 111 = 12 345 678 987 654 321.

The statue of George Washington in London's Trafalgar Square stands on imported Virginian soil in respect for Washington's wishes never to stand on British soil.

Qu├ębec and Newfoundland are the only two Canadian provinces that do not allow personalised licence plates.

Pluto, the astrological sign for death, was directly above Dallas, Texas when JFK was born.

All fifty states of the U.S. have a city named Greenville (spelling varies).

The Titanic had four smokestacks. Only three worked, but it is good luck to have four so they built one for show.

The zip code 12345 is assigned to General Electric in Schenectady, N.Y.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

The cells that make up the antlers of a moose are the fastest growing animal cells in nature.

If Brooklyn, NY became independent of New York City; it would be the third largest city in the United States, after the remainder of New York and Los Angeles.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

The longest intra-continental flight in the world is from Jeddah, Saudi Arabia to Manila, Philippines.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers' first flight.

Hippopotamuses do eighty percent of their vocalisations under water.

It would take a one kilogram weight one hour to fall to the bottom of the Marianas Trench, the deepest part of the ocean (35 839 feet).

I, Q, and X are the only letters that don't start a city that ends in -ville in the state of Ohio. i.e. Brownsville, Zanesville, etc.

The billionth digit of pi is 9.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men do.

The province of Alberta in Canada has been completely free of rats since 1905.

Illinois has the most personalised licence plates of any state.

The Dalmatian is the only dog that gets gout.

The only person to be elected to both the baseball and football Hall of Fame's is Cal Hubbard.

The movie playing at the drive-in at the beginning of "The Flintstones" was "The Monster".

142 857 is a cyclic number; the numbers of which always appear in the same order but rotated around when multiplied by any number from 1 to 6. 142 857 * 2 = 285 714; 142 857 * 3 = 428 571; 142 857 * 4 = 571 428; 142 857 * 5 = 714 285; & 142 857 * 6 = 857 142.

"King Kong" is the first movie to have its sequel ("Son of Kong") released the same year (1933).

The real name of the "Loony Tunes" music is "The Merry-Go-Round Broken Down".

"Rhythms" and "syzygy" are the longest English words without vowels.

Pennsylvania was the first colony to legalise witchcraft.

The distance between an alligator's eyes, in inches, is directly proportional to the length of the alligator, in feet.

Beaver Cleaver's locker number was 9.

Giraffes have no vocal chords.

The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days.

A, H, I, M, O, T, U, V, W, X, & Y are the symmetric capital letters in the Roman alphabet. i, l, o, t, u, v, w & x are the symmetric lower case letters in the Roman alphabet.

In order for a deck of cards to be mixed up enough to play with properly, it should be shuffled at least seven times.

Vanilla Ice's real name is Robert Van Winkle.

2 and 5 are the only prime numbers that end in 2 or 5.

1 and 2 are the only numbers where they are the values of the numbers of factors they have.

Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying "clag of Fanada", instead of "flag of Canada".

Mike Nesmith's (of the Monkees) mother, Bette Nesmith Graham invented Liquid paper, in 1951.

Felix the Cat is the first cartoon character to ever have been made into a balloon for a parade.

More money is printed daily for the Monopoly game than by the U.S. Treasury.

The only continent without reptiles or snakes is Antarctica.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs, because cows' knees can't bend properly to walk back down.

A golden razor removed from King Tut's Tomb was still sharp enough to be used.

You can make a glass of apple cider with three apples.

All gondolas in Venice, Italy must be painted black, unless they belong to a high official.

The word "karate" means "empty hand".

A standard grave is 7'8" x 3'2" x 6'.

Howdy Doody had forty-eight freckles.

There is a city called Rome on every continent.

More Hollywood films have been made about boxing than about any other sport.

The names of the three wise monkeys are; Mizaru: See no evil; Mikazaru: Hear no evil; and Mazaru: Speak no evil.

The name of the asteroid that was believed to have killed the dinosaurs was named Chixalub (Pronounced Sheesh-uh-loob).

John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and was found in a warehouse. Lee Harvey Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and was found in a theatre.

Santa Fe, New Mexico is the highest state capital at 7000 feet above sea level.

Stewardesses and reverberated are the two longest words (12 letters each) that can be typed using only the left side of the keyboard.

Skepticisms is the longest word that alternates sides.

Alaska could hold the 21 smallest states within its borders.

The sport with the highest ratio of officials to participants is tennis. A singles match should have 13; ten linesmen, one net, one foot-fault, plus an umpire.

49.6% of US residents live in Eastern time zone, 29.3% live in the Central time zone, 5.3% live in the Mountain time zone, 15.0% live in the Pacific time zone and 0.8% live in any other time zone.

Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

It takes forty minutes to hard-boil an ostrich egg.

There are 2 598 960 five-card hands possible in a 52-card deck of cards.

There are 1 929 770 126 028 800 different colour combinations possible on a Rubik's Cube.

Every Swiss citizen is required by law to have a bomb shelter or access to a bomb shelter.

In 1986 Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series to be a designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H."

If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

International Pi Day is March 14, at 1:59. (3/14 1:59)

Shortest Intercontinental Commercial Flight in the world is from Gibraltar (Europe) to Tangier (Africa). Distance: 34 miles, flight time: 20 minutes.

In the game Monopoly, the most money you can lose in one travel around the board (normal game rules, going to jail only once) is $26 040. The most money you can lose in one turn is $5070.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

The cheetah is the only cat in the world that can't retract its claws.

Only 7% of the world's population is left-handed.

Des Moines is the city with the highest jelly consumption rate in the USA.

"Queuing" is the word with the most consecutive vowels in the English language.

Eyelashes live for about 4 months.

The shortest street in the world is only 5.7 metres long.

If you lined up all the cans of SPAM in the world (new and used), it would encircle the Earth 300 times.

SPAM is really machined separated pork shoulder.

More cans of SPAM are consumed everyday than any other meat.

Every second, somewhere in the world, a can of SPAM is consumed.

Woodwind instruments push teeth out, while brass instruments push teeth in.

The bottled water "Evian" is "naive" (ex: a naive person) spelt backwards.

Somewhere, every second, someone in the world is watching "Star Trek".

4" x 2" wood does not exactly measure 4" x 2".

It has been calculated that in the last 3500 years, there have only been 230 years of peace throughout the civilised world.

Animators drew nearly 6.5 million black spots for the film "101 Dalmatians".

By the end of the Civil War, between one-third and one-half of all U.S. paper currency in circulation was counterfeit.

India, not the United States, is the country which produces the most films yearly.

From Useless Facts!

Wise Words


Be Wise

Be Wise!The end of it

It's better to burn out than fade away.

Be Wise!Be without

To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness.

- Bertrand Russell

Be Wise!WHAT DOESN'T NEED IRRIGATION

Alcohol is the irrigation that problems use to grow and multiply.

Be Wise!MONEY

Money is neither good nor bad, the results of your use of it will determine its usefulness.

Be Wise!It's whats inside

It is not important what is in front of you, or behind you. But what’s inside of you that count.

Be Wise!Always Be Optimistic

Life can only be understood backwards: But it must be lived forward.

Be Wise!Your hair

Eat wheat – it’s a great source of biotin, the single most important nutrient for shiny hair.

Be Wise!The Evil Of Our Fears

IT IS EASY "IF"

It is easy to not lie if one doesn’t fear the truth.

It is easy to not steal if one doesn’t fear need.

It is easy to not envy if one doesn’t fear that one’s status is threatened.

It is easy to not anger if not fearing others.

It is easy to not be open-minded if one fears knowledge.

It is easy to not kill if one doesn’t fear that a life is threatened.

It is easy to not be creative if one fears criticism.

It is easy to not be prejudiced if not fearing the differences of others.

It is easy to not trust if one fears the mal-intent of others.

It is easy to not have hope if one fears continued failure.

It is easy to see that most of the evils of life come from our fears

It is easy to see that if we stopped responding to most of our fears, that most of life's evils would no longer be.

Be Wise!Simple Meditation

MEDITATION is simple. PRECISELY because it is simple, it looks difficult. Your mind is accustomed to dealing with difficult problems, and it has completely forgotten how to respond to the simple things of life.

- Osho

Be Wise!Love Disasters

If you love some one, go for it and ask them out, after all what have you got to lose your not seeing any one yet.

Be Wise!Relationship

Don't weep for things which cant weep for you !

Back By Popular Demand...

A horse is a horse, of course, of course...

Click here to make 'em sing

Click above to make 'em sing!

Just click on them 'on' and 'off'. Be adventurous! Be an artiste! they make beautiful music together!

Face and Hand Original Works of Art


Original Artwork

Original Artwork

I recently purchased these 2 pieces of original unique pieces of art by Mark Reis (RIP my friend) of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan for my son for Christmas. What do you think of them? Make a comment!

NASA Received An SOS Call From Another Galaxy?


From David Reneke's World of Space and Astronomy

NASA experts claim to have intercepted an intergalactic distress call from an alien civilization that had already peaked and was actually dying. Its Definitely an eye catching title.

All this apparently happened when saber-tooth tigers still roamed the earth. The 80,000-year-old SOS was received and digitally recorded in late January 1998. But only in recent weeks have radio astronomers and language experts found the key to the complex mathematics-based language that enabled them to translate the ‘frantic plea for help’.

The world press has been suspiciously silent about the startling message, though lengthy scientific reports are scheduled for publication in two professional journals, Radio Astronomy and Universe. According to a highly placed NASA source in Houston, Texas, noted Russian space scientist Dr. Viktor Kulakov is leading a United Nations research team from a state-operated observatory 50 miles northwest of Moscow.

Dr. Kulakov told Universe that the signal emanated from a point beyond the galaxy nearest to our own, Andromeda, and was sent by beings that had apparently achieved a civilization no more advanced than our own here on Earth.


--more at David Reneke's World of Space and Astronomy--

The 25 Most Ridiculous Things Caught On Google Street Views

Thursday, May 30, 2019

Glossary and Definitions For Use in FDA Trials

Barium: What you do when the patient dies from using one of our drugs.

Urine: The opposite of 'you're out'.

Dilate: To live a long time.

Enema: The opposite of Friend.

Node: Was aware of.

Rectum: Dang near killed him.

Constipation: Endangered feces.

White count: The number of Caucasians.

Hernia: Pertaining to a female's knee.

D&C: Where Washington is.

Bunion: Paul's surname.

Ova: Finished, done with.

Paradox: Two doctors.

Penis: Someone who plays the piano.

Humerus: Really funny.

Genital: Non-Jew.

Pap Smear: To slander your father.

Pelvis: The evil twin of Elvis.

I node urine a hurry, so this list is ova.

Ethel

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

This makes sense to me!!

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Coffee Contest:


A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch?"

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize.

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...


(Scroll down!)













"W I N A B A G E L"

HYUK!

Look I just pass them on, I don't write 'em all...

Today is World Bipolar Day

Click above to find out more

Thumb Wars (Full Movie)

F R I E N D S

TWO FRIENDS WERE WALKING THROUGH THE DESERT.

DURING SOME POINT OF THE JOURNEY THEY HAD AN ARGUMENT AND ONE FRIEND SLAPPED THE OTHER ONE IN THE FACE.

THE ONE WHO GOT SLAPPED WAS HURT, BUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING, WROTE IN THE SAND:


TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.


THEY KEPT ON WALKING, UNTIL THEY FOUND AN OASIS, WHERE THEY DECIDED TO TAKE A BATH.

THE ONE WHO HAD BEEN SLAPPED GOT STUCK IN THE MIRE AND STARTED DROWNING, BUT THE FRIEND SAVED HIM.

AFTER HE RECOVERED FROM THE NEAR DROWNING, HE WROTE ON A STONE:


TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.


THE FRIEND WHO HAD SLAPPED AND SAVED HIS BEST FRIEND ASKED HIM, "AFTER I HURT YOU, YOU WROTE IN THE SAND AND NOW, YOU WRITE ON A STONE, WHY?"

THE OTHER FRIEND REPLIED "WHEN SOMEONE HURTS US WE SHOULD WRITE IT DOWN IN SAND WHERE WINDS OF FORGIVENESS CAN ERASE IT AWAY. BUT, WHEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING GOOD FOR US, WE MUST ENGRAVE IT IN STONE WHERE NO WIND CAN EVER ERASE IT."

LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.

THEY SAY IT TAKES A MINUTE TO FIND A SPECIAL PERSON,AN HOUR TO APPRECIATE THEM, A DAY TO LOVE THEM, BUT THEN AN ENTIRE LIFE TO FORGET THEM.


DO NOT VALUE THE THINGS YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE, BUT VALUE WHO YOU HAVE IN YOUR LIFE!

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

TV Trivia - Triple!


TV Trivia


OOPS!
SERIES: Deadwood
SETUP: Sol Star (John Hawkes) tells town sheriff Seth Bullock (Timothy Olyphant), “Your fly is down.”

GOOF: Deadwood is set in 1876. The modern zipper didn’t exist yet—it wasn’t perfected until 1913. Star should have told Bullock his fly was “open.”

A plasma TV uses about twice as much energy as an LCD set of the same size.


TV Trivia

RECORD BREAKERS


Ten most watched drama series finales
  1.  Magnum, P.I. (1988), 50.7 million viewers
  2.  Dallas (1991), 33.3 million viewers
  3.  Gunsmoke (1975), 30.9 million viewers
  4.  The Fugitive (1967), 30.0 million viewers
  5.  Star Trek: The Next Generation (1994), 27.8 million viewers
  6.  St. Elsewhere (1988), 22.5 million viewers
  7.  MacGyver (1992), 22.3 million viewers
  8.  Miami Vice (1989), 22.2 million viewers
  9.  L.A. Law (1994), 22.1 million viewers
 10. Quantum Leap (1993), 20.6 million viewers

In 11 years of operation (1995–2006), UPN never made a profit, and lost more than $1 billion.
TV Trivia

YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION


Phoebe Buffay (Friends)
When Friends began in 1994, Lisa Kudrow found it difficult to portray her flighty, hippie-ish character—she’s nothing like that in real life. But costar Jennifer Aniston is. Said Kudrow, “Jennifer introduced me to books that gave me an insight into that spiritual world.” So Kudrow read the books … and studied Aniston.

That’s a bunch: 464 children auditioned for the six kids’ roles on The Brady Bunch.

Heavenly Conversation

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -we'd both still be alive.

Sadly Necessary Warnings and Instructions

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- 'Do not turn upside down.'

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- 'Warning: contains nuts.'

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- 'Product will be hot after heating.'

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap -- 'Directions: Use like regular soap.'

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.' (but, it's just a suggestion.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- 'Do not iron clothes on body.'

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'

On most brands of Christmas lights -- 'For indoor or outdoor use only.' (as opposed to?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'

On a child's Superman costume -- 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'

On a Swedish chainsaw -- 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'


Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals

Match the arrestee with their reported occupation.

hosted at The Smoking Gun


Just click and drag the respective occupations into the squares beneath each suspect. Then click the submit arrow.


 Click here to go to The Smoking Gun
Click above to test your skills

Weirdly Weird...

Michel Lotito

Michel Lotito (born June 15, 1950) is a French entertainer. Lotito, who was born in Grenoble, is famous as the consumer of undigestables, and is known as Monsieur Mangetout (Mister Eat-it-all). Lotito's performances are the consumption of metal, glass, rubber and so on in items such as bicycles, televisions, a Cessna 150, and smaller items which are disassembled, cut-up and swallowed. The aircraft took roughly two years to be 'eaten' from 1978 to 1980. He began eating unusual material while a child and has been performing publicly since 1966.

Lotito does not often suffer from ill-effects due to his diet, even after the consumption of materials usually considered poisonous. When performing he consumes around a kilogram of material daily, preceding it with mineral oil and drinking considerable quantities of water during the 'meal'. He apparently possesses a stomach and intestine with walls of twice the expected thickness, and his digestive acids are, allegedly, unusually powerful, allowing him to digest a certain portion of his metallic meals.

Read more

iPad art - Morgan Freeman

 Click here to go to youtube

Click above to watch the movie of this amazing artwork, 
using just iPad and Finger Paint on youtube

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

This is precisely The Wizard in the morning!

Sylvester The Cat Coffee and smokes

As you wish...

17 Important Life Lessons From “The Princess Bride”

You should use “Inconceivable!” as much as humanly possible. Also, don’t mess with Sicilians.

by Erin La Rosa, BuzzFeed staff

Lesson 1: Fall in love with a farm boy, because they are loyal as hell.


The farmboy from The Princess Bride, Cary Elwes

Another lesson: “As you wish” means “I love you.”

-16 more at BuzzFeed-

Alberta's 'Suki the Adventure Cat' is latest Internet sensation

CTVNews.ca

An Alberta feline named Suki the Adventure cat is creating plenty of wanderlust as she travels the world posing for photos to share with her 1.4 million Instagram followers.
The now-famous Bengal who lives near Edmonton has travelled across her native Canada and around the world, posing in front of beautiful mountain vistas, landmarks like the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and tranquil lakes.

Suki’s owners are photographers and they worked hard to get her comfortable with walking on a leash from a young age so that she wouldn’t have to stay behind when they travelled for photoshoots.

“She gets super excited when she sees the leash by the door,” her owner Marti Gutfreund told CTV News.
Suki took to the outdoors with gusto, either hiking, canoeing or catching a ride in a special cat-carrier backpack.

Her owners hope that Suki’s exuberance will help inspire more people and pets to spend time enjoying nature.

Do You Know The Answer?

Click here for an answer Note how I say 'an' answer. If you have another put it in the comments

Be Who You Are

Things Queer Culture Teaches That Straight Culture Doesn't

Monday, May 27, 2019

Anyone ever pester you with questions that are easily found on Google?

Then this is for you! It's easy and will teach them a lesson! I present:



Put there search term in in the LMGTFY window, copy the URL and email or message it to them. It's THAT easy. 

Here's what you can do for someone wanting to find 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow:


LMGTFY



http://bit.ly/1dTkrZe
Just share the above link (I shortened it!)

The recipient gets a custom made look how easy it is to google ya jack-ass! (No cussing tho'!)

My thanks to Willem for pointing it out to me when I asked who Jack White was!

The Cowboy Code

by MICHAEL JOSEPHSON on DECEMBER 2, 2013
in COMMENTARIES, THE NATURE OF CHARACTER


Cowboy
I grew up in much simpler times. Television was in its infancy, and the idea of a hero was exemplified by a white-hatted cowboy. There was a clarity and simplicity to this hero’s moral code that left no doubt there is a right and wrong.

As I became more sophisticated, it was easy to ridicule these simplistic approaches to ethics and living. Yet the more I’ve learned, the more I’ve come to think there’s just as much danger in muddying our choices into endless shades of gray.

Sure, there are extenuating factors and exceptions that challenge the validity of every ethical principle, but on balance we need clear prescriptive benchmarks of virtue. Such guidelines are provided in the quaintly old-fashioned Cowboy Code promoted by the late Gene Autry:


  1. Don’t shoot first, hit a smaller man, or take unfair advantage.
  2. Don’t go back on your word or a trust confided in you.
  3. Tell the truth.
  4. Be gentle with children, the elderly, and animals.
  5. Don’t advocate or possess racially or religiously intolerant ideas.
  6. Help people in distress.
  7. Be a good worker.
  8. Keep yourself clean in thought, speech, action, and personal habits.
  9. Respect women, parents, and the law.
  10. Be patriotic.


With a little updating, this code still works.


Michael Josephson

*Original story at WhatWillMatter.com

Hey, You Got Something To Eat?


Say, I'd like to eat a little something. You got something? What you got? Any kind of food is good. I just want something to eat. You must got something. I ain't desperate or nothing like that. Don't think I'm begging. I'm just asking here. No pressure. I just want to eat something. Wondering if you had something maybe. No big deal.

You gotta have something. Please. What is that? A thing to eat? I think it might be.

I'm not that hungry. I just ate. I could take or leave it. Got a handful of hard seeds? I'll take them. Pour them on the ground or just hold them out. You kidding? That would be great. Sure would. Whatever you got, really. It don't even have to be seeds. I'll take anything. Don't worry about me. I'm easy. Hey, anything you got. I'll try it. I got a open mind.

You gonna eat that shoe? I'll eat that shoe if you're not gonna eat it.

Come on, what you got? I just want to know. I don't have to eat it. I'm just curious. In truth, there's a good possibility I'll eat it. But still. I want to know. If you got just a morsel of anything, I'd be obliged. If I knew you were good for a scrap once in a while, I'd probably come back to you for more food sometimes. You wouldn't mind that. Of course not. You're my buddy. The food-giver. That's what I'd call ya.

I bet you got a nice pant leg. Lemme chew a hole in it. I could chew it until you yanked it out of my mouth. If you don't mind. I'm telling you, I could use a little something to chomp on. I could wait, but what have you got? I don't care very much one way or the other. Come on, give me a break over here. I just want something to nibble on.

Hey! What's down there? A piece of bread? Let's see what we got. No... No, this is a rock. I'm not going to eat a rock. What do you think, I'm crazy?

You keeping a sandwich in your pocket for later? I'd be happy to eat it for you now. You don't even have to take it out of the bag. I'll eat the plastic and everything. Or tinfoil. Don't make no never mind to me. Do you got anything that I could put in my mouth for just a minute or two? Lemme know. I'll take it off your hands. No worries.

Do you have any trash? I'll eat trash. You were gonna throw it out anyway. Hey, lemme eat it. Lemme at least taste it. If it's no good to eat, I'll know. I hate to see it go to waste, is all.

Got a balled-up tissue? Some paper towels? Coffee filters? Grounds, perhaps? Some cardboard? Insulation? All that sounds good to me. Just about anything like that would hit the spot for me about now.

A piece of corn on the cob. That'd do me. You got that? Would you mind going and picking me a ear from the cornfield? I don't care if it is seed corn or sweet corn or feed corn. I don't care if it's too hard to chew. I'll just swallow it whole. Just swallow it down. Who cares? I don't. Seriously, go over and snatch me one of them ears of corn. I'll get you back. Maybe I could eat something else for you later, something maybe that you're not interested in eating. Or maybe something that you intend to only eat half of. I might be able to eat the rest of it for you.

I've tried about enough of the grass around here to last me a while. I'm sick of this grass. This damned same grass day in and day out, I could just about... I take that back. This grass is okay. I'll eat it. It's pretty good. It's great, actually. I mean, it's okay. Could you grab me a handful of weeds from the ditch? Don't bother shaking off the dirt! That's a waste of time! Just bring it over as is. Wave that near my mouth and it's going down the belly hatch. I am not joking. I'll eat weeds. Just watch me. You give me a rotten apple, and I will eat that whole thing, seeds and all. Tear off a piece of bark for me, and it's gone.

Hey. Come on. Don't be greedy. I said I'd like a little something to eat. Put something in my mouth now. Let me chew something, you f#*ker.

Oh sh#t, man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. That was uncalled for. There's no problem. I'm really sorry, friend. Food-giver. That's what you are. There's the stuff. Food-giver. You're my friend.

Hey, by the by... You got anything to eat? Don't go out of your way on my account. It's nothing, really—I don't need nothing. But if you got something, I'll eat it.

*By a Goat

Happy Couple

two old men in a bed


Husband: Oh, come on.

Husband #2: Leave me alone!

Husband: It won't take long.

Husband #2: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Husband: I can't sleep without it.

Husband #2: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Husband: Because I'm hot.

Husband #2: You get hot at the darndest times.

Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband #2: If you love me you'd be more considerate.

Husband: You don't love me anymore.

Husband #2: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.

Husband: Please...come on.

Husband #2: All right, I'll do it.

Husband: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

Husband #2: I can't find it.

Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

Husband #2: There! Are you satisfied?

Husband: Oh, yes.

Husband #2: Is it up far enough?

Husband: Oh, that's good.

Husband #2: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself!

Top 9 Sex Jokes...

Ever wonder why your jaw sometimes feels sore sometimes when you wake up?
Now you know!



# 9

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."


HYUK!

# 8

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."


HYUK!

#7

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."


HYUK!

# 6

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:

"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


HYUK!

# 5

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."


HYUK!

# 4

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."


HYUK!

# 3

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".


HYUK!

# 2

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown."

The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?".

The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?".

The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"


HYUK!

# 1

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 Years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!


HYUK!

**Duckshit.com