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Wednesday, August 15, 2018

12-Step Internet Recovery Program


1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3. I will get dressed before noon.

4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7. I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12 Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ...

and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

Batman's Greatest Boner

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Medieval helpdesk with English subtitles

I choose...

I CHOOSE:
to make a difference when others won't
to live by choice not chance
to make changes not excuses
to be motivated not manipulated
to be useful not used
to excel not compete
I choose self-esteem not self-pity
I choose to listen to the inner voice, not the random opinion of others


I choose to be happy!

How she knows you love her

from onlyfunnystories.com

A man wakes up with a big hangover the morning after attending his company's annual Summer Party. He can't even remember how he got home from the party let alone how he got so drunk and is deathly afraid of what he may have done or said the night before to offend his wife.

The man forces his eyes open, however, and the first things he sees are two headache tablets next to a glass of water on his night table, and, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up with difficulty and sees his clothing hung on the back of his chair all clean and pressed and the rest of the house all spic and span and in perfect order.

Incredulous, the man takes the tablets, then winces when he sees a nasty black eye looking back at him from the bathroom mirror. Then he finds a note next to the red rose on the night table: "Sweetie, breakfast is waiting for you on the stove. I left early to buy the ingredients to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! The note was signed, "Your loving wife".

The man then stumbles into the kitchen and incredibly enough, there is a hot breakfast waiting for him along with steaming hot tea, and the morning paper. His daughter Jessie is also at the table, eating. "Jess... what happened last night?" The man asks, with some trepidation.

"Well, you came home around four o'clock in the morning, drunk and out of your senses. You tripped and fell onto the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited all over the bathroom floor, and got this black eye when you crashed into the table edge."

Baffled, the man asked Jessie, "Then why is everything in such perfect shape and so clean? Why is there a rose on my nightstand, and breakfast on the stove waiting for me?"

"Oh that, Jessie replies, "Well, Mom pulled you into your bedroom, and when she tried to undress you, you yelled, "Leave me alone, I'm married and I love my wife!'"

SEX - The Definitive Infographic

SEX - The Definitive Infographic

The Red Wheelbarrow

If you're looking for a more creative pursuit, start your budding literary career in the bathroom! You can write a short story or poem on a single trip to the toilet that makes you famous instantaneously. Which American Imagist poet of the twentieth century probably could have written his eight-line poem "The Red Wheelbarrow" in three minutes on the commode?

Make the most use of your bathroom time.

He was also a practicing doctor for most of his life, is best-known for his short poem "The Red Wheelbarrow", reproduced in full below.

Red wheelbarrow
"so much depends
upon

a red wheel
barrow

glazed with rain
water

beside the white
chickens"

Rather than attempt to explain the deep meaning of why "so much" depends upon the red wheelbarrow, I will instead quote another Williams poem, this one entitled "This Is Just To Say".

"I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold"


--William Carlos Williams

There, don't you think you could do that sitting on the toilet some day?

The Wiz's Quiz - Billboard's 70's one hit wonders

Answers are at the bottom of this post
one hit wonders

1. Early spring of 1970 brought not only flowers that grow, but also "Love Grows (Where My Rosemary Goes)". What group was responsible for this growth?

Edison
Lighthouse
Brownsville Station
ClimaxThe Outisders

2. This spiritual hit almost made it to the top of the charts in the spring of 1971. "Put Your Hand In The Hand" was a smash for one of these groups. Which one?

Bloodrock
Prelude
Think
Ocean

3. "Jungle Fever" was a Top 10 instrumental hit in 1972 for this group. Name them.

The Swahilis
The Chakachas
The Rythym Aces
The Soul Children

4. 1973 saw the romantic "Pillow Talk" become a Top 5 hit for this sweet-sounding lady. Name her.

Merrie Wilson
Pink Lady
Gwen McCrae
Sylvia

5. The Chicago Massacre was immortalized in this 1974 number one hit. Who turned organized crime into a smash hit with "The Night Chicago Died"?

Bullett
Paper Lace
The Fuzz
Redeye

6. Summer 1975 was a good time for this guy who brought us the romantic "Love Won't Let Me Wait". Who was he?

Major Lance
Herman Brood
Johnny Ace
Major Harris

7. A harmonic tune with a strong sexual innuendo occupied the top of the charts in the summer of 1976. "Afternoon Delight" was a smash for whom?

Sexual Chocolate
Starland Vocal Band
Sanford/Townsend Band
Lady Flash

8. Which artist in the summer of 1977 got right to the point when he asked "Do You Want To Make Love?"

Mike Love
Nick Gilder
Peter McCann
Eddie Holman

9. In 1978 this comedian laid down the tracks for a novelty record called "King Tut". Which comedian?

Rodney Dangerfield
Robin Williams
Bill Murray
Steve Martin

10. his duo recorded the Top 20 hit "Ain"t No Stoppin Us Now" in the summer of 1979. Who were they?

Leblanc and Carr
McFadden and Whitehead
Clark and Hillman
Cashman and West






1. Edison Lighthouse
Billboard number five, March 28, 1970. This studio group had only this song to fall back on, or so you would think. However, lead singer Tony Burrows had at least four other hits under different names, which will remain a secret since they all qualify as "one hit wonders" in their own right, and will appear in other volumes of this series.

2. Ocean
Billboard number two, May 1, 1971. A Canadian gospel-rock band, they had their one hit in 1971, and disbanded in 1975.

3. The Chakachas
Billboard number eight, March 25, 1972. A group of Latin soul studio musicians formed this group in Belgium. One of the members of the group was the wife of Latin band leader Tito Puente. They had been recording since the late 50's with limited success. This song actually was banned in the UK for the provocative sounds of a woman and man moaning in the background of the song. The title was controversial for the time as well. The song re-appeared and was part of the soundtrack for the movie "Boogie Nights".

4. Sylvia
Billboard number three, June 9, 1973. Sylvia Robinson did actually have another hit way back in 1957. She is the same lady who was part of Mickey and Sylvia and recorded "Love Is Strange", but this is her only entry as a solo artist.

5. Paper Lace
Billboard number one, August 17, 1974. From Nottingham England, the group had already had a number one UK hit called "Billy Don't Be a Hero". Yes, the same song that charted here in the US in a version by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods. Lace's version only got to number 96 in the US. "The Night Chicago Died" did much better, although only it only got to number 3 in the UK.

6. Major Harris
Billboard number five, June 21, 1975. Harris sang with a number of groups before joining The Delfonics in the early 70's. He quit the group to become a solo artist in 1974, and this song followed. After his solo career died out, he returned to the Delfonics, and still tours these days.

7. Starland Vocal Band
Billboard number one, July 10, 1976. The group actually won two Grammys for this song and their self titled album. They were given a variety TV show, which lasted for a short number of weeks in the summer of 1977. One of the participants in the show was a young comic named David Letterman.

8. Peter McCann
Billboard number five, August 6, 1977. This singer/songwriter from Connecticut had this Top 5 five hit as a singer, and also had a hit as a songwriter when "The Right Time Of The Night" reached the Top 10 for Jennifer Warnes.

9. Steve Martin
Billboard number 17, August 12, 1978. The song was performed on "Saturday Night Live" during the craze when the original King Tut artifacts were touring the U.S. He was backed on the record by "The Toot Uncommons". They were actually members of The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band (Mr. Bojangles).

10. McFadden and Whitehead
Billboard number 13, July 21, 1979. Although this was their only Top 40 hit as singers, they have a strong history of writing and producing hits for others. They started touring with Otis Redding in the 60's until his death. They have written such songs as "Backstabbers" (O'Jays). Unfortunately Whitehead was apparently a victim of a random street crime in 2004, and Gene McFadden died of liver cancer in 2006. May they rest in peace.

Monday, August 13, 2018

Thoughts for pondering...

A successful businessman was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business.

Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do something different. He called all the young executives in his company together.

He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you.

"The young executives were shocked, but the boss continued. "I am going to give each one of you a SEED today - one very special SEED. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next CEO."

One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he plantedthe seed. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.

Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing.

By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure.

Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however, he just kept watering and fertilizing the soil - He so wanted the seed to grow.

A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection.

Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room.

When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful - in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!

When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.

Jim just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the CEO. "Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!"

All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front..

Jim was terrified..

He thought, "The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!"

When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed, Jim told him the story.

The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, "Behold your next Chief Executive Officer! His name is "Jim!"

Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his seed. "How could he be the new CEO?" the others said.

Then the CEO said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible for them to grow.

All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!"

empty flower pot

* If you plant honesty, you will reap trust
* If you plant goodness, you will reap friends
* If you plant humility, you will reap greatness
* If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment
* If you plant consideration, you will reap perspective
* If you plant hard work, you will reap success
* If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation

So, be careful what you plant now;

it will determine what you will reap later.

The Wiz's Quiz - Weird or Eccentric People

Answers are at the bottom of this post
Oscar Wilde
While not in this quiz, Oscar Wilde was really eccentric
1. The eccentric Collyer brothers, known for years of hoarding, died in which unusual manner?

Home exploded from a build up of methane gas
Eaten by a grizzly bear that they kept in their home
They jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge together
Killed by their own booby traps

2. English eccentric Simeon Ellerton was known to walk around with which of the following on his head?

Shoes
Stones
Llamas
Velcro

3. Brian G. Hughes (1849-1924) was a U.S. businessman known for many unusual pranks that involved the Metropolitan Museum of Art and Tiffany's jewelry store in which American City?

Salt Lake City
New York City
Yuma
Miami

4. Which of the following men was a Serbian-American electrical engineer known for his contributions to the design of modern alternating current (AC) as well as for his many eccentricities?

Peter Bogdanovich
Milla Jovovich
Nikola Tesla
Boris Becker

5. Sir George Sitwell (1860-1943) was an unusual man who was known to do which of the following chromatic things to the animals on his estate?

Painted the cows on his farm a blue willow design
He let his pigs play in his pool which he filled with gelatin
Kept his chickens plucked at all times
He brushed his horses teeth for hours everyday

6.Artist Salvador Dali once gave actress Mia Farrow the gift of a dead mouse in a hand-painted bottle.

True
False

7. Mehran Karimi Nasseri is an Iranian refugee who lived in the departure lounge of Terminal One in Charles de Gaulle Airport for over 15 years.

True
False

8. Which British poet kept a bear as a pet while at Cambridge?

William Shakespeare
James Joyce
Lord Byron
Percy Shelley

9. Which of the following artists was known for rarely bathing, and despite his wealth lived in utter squalor?

Michelangelo
Andy Warhol
Rembrandt
Thomas Gainsborough

10. Which of the following women was an eccentric millionaire, nicknamed the Witch of Wall Street, and known for her extreme stinginess?

Hetty Green
Sylvia Brown
Amy Tan
Linda Gray






1. Killed by their own booby traps
The wealthy and reclusive Collyer brothers (one born in 1881, the other in 1885)died sometime in March of 1947. The exact date of death is not known as they were killed when tripped up by their own booby traps. Tons of newspapers fell on Langley Collyer killing him instantly. His paralysed brother Homer died of dehydration and starvation. Although they died within ten feet of each other it took over a week to find Langley after finding Homer. Over 130 tons of garbage were removed from their home after their death including tons of newspapers, over 25,000 books hundred of yards of unused silk and 14 grand pianos. At the time of their deaths the brothers were worth close to $100,000 not including their once fabulous Manhattan brownstone. Their life story was fictionalized in the novel "My Brother's Keeper" by Marcia Davenport in 1954.

2. Stones
Simeon Ellerton was a 19th century eccentric who lived in Craike in County Durham, England. He was known to walk for very long distances and was a fitness fanatic. While on his long walks he would collect stones. He used the stones to build himself a house which still stands. Even after the house was built, he carried stones on his head for the rest of his life. When asked why he had stones on his head, his answer was "Tis to keep on my hat." However unusual his behavior, his penchant for walking many miles everyday may have helped him live to the ripe old age of 104.

3. New York City
Brian G. Hughes made a fortune manufacturing paper boxes and founding the Dollar Savings Bank. Some of his stunts included donating a plot of ground in Brooklyn to the Board of Aldermen who planned to make it into a public park. What they did not realize was that the plot of land only measured 2x8 ft. He was known to drop fake diamonds all over the floor of Tiffany's jewelry store so he could watch the fashionably elite try to steal them without being caught. He once placed empty picture frames in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Art causing the police to spend thousands of dollars trying to figure out what had been stolen. He would pretend to forget his expensive umbrellas and watch while someone stole them. What the thief did not know was that when he opened the umbrella it read "stolen from Brian G. Hughes". He drove the police and the newspapers of New York City crazy for decades.

4. Nikola Tesla
Tesla was a brilliant scientist with some very unusual habits. He walked 8-10 miles every day no matter the weather. He would flex his toes 100 times every night as he believed it stimulated his brain cells. He spent thousand of dollars feeding wild pigeons. He was 6'02" but weighed only 142 pounds (64 kg). He was fanatically well dressed but wore no jewelry, believing it sapped his brain cells to do so. He could not stand to touch hair, would not shake hands and was obsessed with the number three. He was celibate believing that marital relations would be detrimental to his brain. He had an eidetic memory and could memorize whole books in one reading. The list of his eccentricities and abilities could fill a book.

5. Painted the cows on his farm a blue willow design
Sir George Reresby Sitwell, 4th Baronet was a conservative politician. He was very well educated but engaged in some very unusual behavior. This included painting the cows on his estate the same blue willow pattern as his china. He left England and moved to Italy to avoid paying taxes. He left his wife behind and refused to pay her creditors allowing her to serve time in debtors' prison. He had such a vast collection of books that they filled seven libraries in his home. He invented a pistol for shooting wasps. At his home in Derbyshire he hung a sign on the gate to his home which read "I must ask anyone entering the house never to contradict me or differ from me in any way, as it interferes with the functioning of my gastric juices and prevents my sleeping at night."

6. True
The flamboyant Salvador Dali reveled in his eccentricity. When signing autographs for fans, he would insist on keeping their pens. He traveled extensively with his pet ocelot, Babou, by his side. He usually referred to himself in third person and would often speak in bizarre combinations of Spanish, French and English. He was known to write bad checks believing that his creditors would find his a check with his signature to be more valuable than the debt that was owed.

7. True
Mehran Karimi Nasseri is an Iranian refugee who lived in the Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris from 1988 until 2006. He spent these years reading, studying, and writing in his diary. After being hospitalized for unknown reasons he was put into a French Red Cross shelter. His bizarre story was the basis for at least three different movies and he has professed to being content while living in the airport.

8. Lord Byron
When Lord Byron entered Trinity College, Cambridge he was ordered to send his dog home as it was against the rules to keep a pet dog. Byron studied the college rules and noted that there were no rules against having a bear. So he got a bear for a roommate. He would take the bear on leashed walks around the campus terrifying his fellow students and teachers. For years he kept an extensive menagerie of animals. Later in life he switched to war games. He spent thousands of pounds and many hours each day playing with his war ships on the edge of his lake.

9. Michelangelo
Michelangelo may have been one of history's greatest artists, but as the old saying goes, there is a thin line between genius and insanity. Michelangelo ignored even the most basic tasks of personal hygiene. He bathed very rarely, often less than once a year. He changed his clothes only when they started falling apart and was known to sleep in his clothes including shoes. He ate only to stay alive and was known to live a monastic lifestyle. He was unpopular with his contemporaries as being in his presence was rather disgusting.

10. Hetty Green
Hetty Green (1834-1916) was well-known miser who did not spend a penny more than necessary. At one time, she was one of the richest women in the world and a major player on Wall Street. In spite of her wealth, she refused to heat her house or use hot water. She wore the same black dress for years and did not change her undergarments until they literally fell apart. She rarely bathed or washed her clothes to save on soap. She ate the cheapest food she could find and often refused or avoided medical care for herself and her family because she felt it cost too much. At the time of her death, she was worth between $100-200 million which would make her a multi-billionaire in today's world.

Waldo....

Waldo Finds Himself

The Deadly Facts About Water

The Deadly Facts About Water!

GRANDMA'S CURES

Keep this on the Fridge

Did You Know That?

Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately -- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional "pain relievers."

Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with Alka-Seltzer. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Honey remedy for skin blemishes... Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a Band-Aid over it. Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus... Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust... Forget those expensive rust removers. Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain. The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover...just pour a drop of Elmer's Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters...To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine... a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly. Dawn dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Goodbye fleas.

Rainy day cure for dog odor... Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites... All it takes is a few drops of Wesson corn oil in your cat's ear. Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.

Boom or Bust

Sunday, August 12, 2018

Relax, man....

It's ok, we only want equality

Sir Reginald's Marvellous Organ

How smart is your right foot?

While sitting, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. Now while doing this draw the number six in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there is nothing you can do about it. Why does this happen?
The Wizard's foot

THIS effect is partly due to the normal difference in height between hand and foot. That difference,in conjunction with gravity and the earth’s rotation, is enough to affect the body’s highly sensitive limb rotation mechanisms. If you eliminate this difference (for instance, by lying down and holding your right leg and arm at about the same height),your right foot will be unaffected. However, if you reverse this height difference (for instance, by positioning your right leg above your head and your right hand nearer the floor), the effect will be even more marked. This is probably because,with this posture,your head is in a silly position too.

Geoff Lowe
University of Hull

Through the eyes of a man...

A wife was curious when she found two old negatives in a drawer and had them made into prints. She was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of her at a much younger, slimmer time, taken many years ago on one of her first dates with her husband.

When she showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!", he said with appreciation, "That's my old Ford!".
Old Ford

Good to know...

Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

HOW TO AMUSE OLDER PEOPLE

Play with the whale! An interactive flash game.
Move the whale
Click above to play

Saturday, August 11, 2018

CURTAIN RODS

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......

... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

HOLY HUMOUR

Bible
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.."

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day , the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

Last, but not least, a great one:

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Golfing Buddies

This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
HYUK!

Seniors at the coffee shop

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the Coffee Club.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you,” said one elderly lady.

“I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully.... "Thank God we can all still drive."

A boy and his puppy

A family in New York began visiting shelters to look for the perfect pup.


After a few weeks of searching local shelters, they found a puppy that they fell in love with – Theo.


He craved human friendship and attention. Three days after coming home with them, he joined their son Beau for his daily nap.


Beau's mother began taking "nap" pictures and now they are warming hearts around the world.

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy

A boy and his puppy