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Thursday, April 09, 2020

Canadian Light Source Synchrotron

-SASKATOON (WP*)

The Canadian Light Source (CLS) synchrotron is the biggest science project in Canada in more than 30 years. (We don't 'need' a world's largest coffee pot, dirty hoe etc... when we have the CLS Synchrotron!)

The Synchrotron began its operations in spring 2004 with 12 beamlines. Located in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada, the football field-sized, $173.5-million project is a unique national facility that will light the way to a new era of science and innovation for academic, industrial and governmental researchers.

This high-performance research tool will be used by scientists in a wide variety of disciplines for years to come. It will help Canada retain and attract top researchers. Take that, Dog River! (Spit!)

A synchrotron is a machine that guides charged particles, such as electrons, into an orbit. At the CLS, an electron gun sends electrons whirling around inside a hollow donut-shaped tube called an "electron storage ring." Inside the storage ring is a vacuum. Almost all the air and moisture has been pumped out so that the electrons will not bump into molecules and lose energy. The CLS has two storage rings: an X-Ray Ring and a VUV (Vacuum Ultra-Violet) Ring. As the electrons round each bend in the ring, they are guided by powerful magnets and give off energy in the form of light. This is called "synchrotron light".

Commonly called a synchotron... incorrectly.

Click here for a picture.

*WP= Wizard of 'OZ' Press

Yep

fcuk

Wednesday, April 08, 2020

Find the difference!


Find the difference in the following 2 pictures. It a toughie!

click here.

Jeff Straker - "Slings and Arrows"

The Wizard's Favorite Song

Take them back

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go. He said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Hillbilly 10 Commandments

Hillbilly 10 Commandments

Gorilla Language

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy up. When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means, "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better -- and he vowed revenge.

The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage, where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

Bananas

bananas

Tuesday, April 07, 2020

Baptist Bathroom

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "does your campground have its own "B.C.?"

When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply.

Dear Madam:

The B.C. is located nine miles from the camp ground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time, and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday of each week.

Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it. The acoustics are very good, so everyone can hear even the quietest passages. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband there.

We are also having a fund-raiser to purchase new seats, as the old ones have holes in them. Unfortunately my wife is ill and has not been able to attend regularly.

It's been a good six months since she last went. It pains her very much not to be able to go more often. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather.

Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. I look forward to your visit. We offer a very friendly campground.

The Pirate Song

SpongeBob Squarepants pirate

Sixteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

"Avast there mates, ye're sailin'
With Long John Black Beard
Peg-Leg, Patch-Eye Hook
Scourge of the bounding main
Bloodthirstiest, black-heartiest"

"Pirate captain ever sailed the seven seas ha, ha, ha
What say ye, we hoist the Jolly Roger
Heel over the yonder Spanish galleon
Lay a few broadsides agin' her timers"

"Swing over on these here lanyards
With our cutlasses in our teeth
Cut 'em to ribbons and split the booty
What say ye to that, me hearties?
Heh, ha, ha, ha, ha"

"I don't like it"
"You don't like it?"
"I don't like it and I don't wanna do it
It's tacky, tacky, tacky and don't look at me that way"
"Well, if you don't like it, what do you want?"

I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance
I want to be a pirate in the Pirates of Penzance
Wear me silver buckled slippers and me tight shiny pants
I want to sing and dance

"You want to sing and dance, heh
You don't like plundering, aye?
Well, shiver me timbers 'ow 'bout treasuring, huh?
Rubies, emeralds and pearls
Gold doubloons and British sovereigns"

"Silver chalices encrusted with diamonds and jewels
Necklaces and bracelets of every shape and size
Fit for the crown heads of Europe, aye?"

"And all buried in a pirate's chest
And I just happen to know where
How about that me bloodthirsty Buckos, heh?
Ha, ha, ha"

"I don't like it"
"You don't like it?"
"I don't like it and I don't want it"
"He don't want it"
"And I won't do it, I'm an artiste"
"An artiste, well, Mister Artiste, what do you want?"

I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance
I want to be a pirate in the Pirates of Penzance
Wear me silver buckled slippers and me tight shiny pants
I want to sing and dance

"Now, listen hear, this ain't no floating Gilbert and Sullivan show
You know for some little flittin' tinkerbell
This here be a black hearted pirate ship
And I would have you keel hauled if you weren't me
Own flesh and blood you little twit!
So you don't like plunderin' aye?"

"I don't like it"
"And you don't want no treasurin' ah?"
"I don't want it"
"And you probably don't want no groggin' and revelin'
And wrenchin' and rummin' either I suppose?"

"Well, deep down you want to know the truth?
It's not me, I don't want it"
"Well, what do you want As if I didn't already bleein' know?"
"I want to sing and dance and"

"I know, I know and wear your tight little shiny pants
Huh, okay, we'll all sing and dance
I said, we'll all sing and dance
Or you'll walk the plank, one two free"

I want to sing and dance, I want to sing and dance
I want to be a pirate in the Pirates of Penzance
Wear me silver buckled slippers and me tight shiny pants
I want to sing and dance
("You hear the Captain and twit's voice say")

"I like it, I like it"
"I kinda like it me own self"
"Thought you would"

Sixteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum


"I don't like rum"
"You don't like rum?"
"Well, no, actually, well, I might like a little Perrier"

"A little Perrier?"
"With a lime in it"
"A lime in it?
He wants a lime in it"

"Well, do you have any Escargot?"
"Escar, what?"
"What's the soup today?"
"Soup?"
"Might have a bit of a salad too"
"Well, how about a bleeding finger bowl?"

"Maybe a croissant, is that right?
Those French make everything so hard
Why didn't they just call it a bun?"

Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Manhole

This is hilarious. The expressions on faces is priceless..

for a second I think they seriously thought that they must be losing their minds.......

Family Lockdown Boogie

Can you solve the combination?


click here for the answer.

Now 3 weeks in Staying Home for Coronavirus...

Monday, April 06, 2020

KEEPING MEN ON TARGET

A talking toilet that warns men about missing their target has become a hot seller in Germany.


Women fed up with men with a poor aim are reportedly particularly keen to buy the new gadget, according to the Herald Sun newspaper.

It is placed under the toilet rim and, if the seat is lifted, declares in a stern female tone:

"What are you up to then? Put the seat back down right away. You are definitely not to pee standing up ... you will make a right mess."

The talking toilet is set to be sold across Europe.

The Old Couple

The two old boys were rocking back and forth on the front porch of the Happy Trails Gay Senior home. They had been together for more than 50 years, and now they enjoying their golden years at the retirement centre.

Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly Bruce stopped, grabbed his cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit Mort across the shins.

Poor old Mort's eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"

"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," Bruce said.

Mort just nodded his head, saying nothing.

Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly Mort stopped, and picked up his cane.

He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit Bruce across the shins.

As soon as Bruce's eyes quit watering and he could speak he asked, "What was that fer?"

"That," said Mort, as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the difference."

Air passenger dropped his trousers

A passenger at Cologne airport stunned staff who asked him to remove his belt by taking off his trousers instead.

The 35-year-old was checking in for a flight to Munich when the security signal went off as he was searched.

Staff told him to remove his wide belt, which was covered in metal rivets.

At first the man refused but then airport police told him it was the only way they would allow him to fly.

He finally gave in but instead of taking off his belt, he stripped out of his trousers and put them through the x-ray machine.

He then walked through the security gate in only in his underwear before getting back his trousers on the other side.

Airport security spokesman Guenter Ahr told the Express news the rules that led to the strip were necessary.

"You never know whether something is being hidden inside a belt and the rivets are only there to distract staff," he said.

*Note: this happened to The Wizard at Diefenbaker International Airport in Saskatoon SK Canada, I didn't 'take' my pants off, but I was holding them up with my hand and was ready to walk through the metal detector and security said, "Hands at your sides!" I protested but he said it again, so as I let go of my pants, as I walked thru the detector, my pants fell down, revealing my underwear... I was totally embarrassed! The guard didn't even care...

Printer Problem

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk.

So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note. About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Below is what he found.

Pen is stuck

Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to.

Can You Figure It Out?

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own... The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through!!

At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers; the other is getting a blow job from an 85 year old woman. They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?



Don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down...

Wifely Duties...

Wifely Duties

Sunday, April 05, 2020

Top 10 signs of a dysfunctional family...

10. New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.

9. Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.

8. Your mother and your pre-teen sister always fighting over the last beer.

7. In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.

6. Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.

5. Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.

4. Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your cellmate anymore.

3. You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for each of Mom's personalities.

2. Family discussions usually begin with, "Putthegundown."

1. Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.

BEST CUSTOMER SERVICE REPLY...

The Greatest Letter Ever Printed On NFL Team Letterhead…


In 1974, a Clevelander wrote the Browns complaining of the menace posed by the then-fad of throwing paper airplanes, and implicitly threatened litigation. The Browns' response is just about the most awesome thing ever committed to paper.

How Many People Have YOU Been Exposed To?

The first number is the Number of Sexual Partners.
If each of your partners has had only the same number of partners as you had at the time you had sex. The second number is the Number of People You Are Exposed to:



Explanation of Chart

For this calculation, we assume that each time you had a new partner, they had only had as many partners as you had. So when you had your first, we assume you were his first. You now have one person who has only had you as a partner. Add to that a second partner who is in the same situation as you--only having had one prior partner. Now you are exposed to your first, your second, plus your second's first. Then bring in a third who is in the same situation as you. You are now exposed to your prior partners plus your third's first partner, your third's second partner, and now your third's second partner's first partner. See how it works? A little sex goes a long way!

The View From 'OZ'

The Emerald City
Hey all you readers! I have a quick question.... why are my traffic numbers falling off so much? 

PLEASE, make a comment.

What do you wanna read on 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow??

Yours,
--The Wizard

Giggles, Guffaws, and Groaners

A man who was just married was flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany him the next day. When he got there he E-mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sent the E-mail he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the E-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother's cry, the widow's 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads:

Dear love,

Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you.

Love,

Me.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

HYUK!

The Old Man and the Sea

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, hook, and an eye patch. Curious, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off".

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand clean off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked.

"Well..." said the pirate, "That was my first day with the hook."

HYUK!

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

HYUK!

A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. The man said to the genie,"I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie said,"I'm sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you have another wish?" The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to understand all women." The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How many platforms did you want on that bridge?"

HYUK!

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room. Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

HYUK!

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

HYUK!

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless food he grew up with. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

clapping

Quaratine Time

Saturday, April 04, 2020

I thought so!

2 Friends

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again." The blonde looks quizically and says, " You don't like getting flowers?" The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving the flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."



The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

How to Get Women to Ride Stationary Bikes

No Means NO!

Things to keep busy during isolation with the COVID-19 Pandemic

Cleaning Supplies Can Be Toxic