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Friday, February 15, 2019

Travel INSIDE a Black Hole

Top 10 Decade Defining Songs, 1950- 2000's













Singing Birds

Once you get to the Minnesota Natural Resources website, 
Click on the birds and they will sing


Singing Birds - Click here
Click above

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.



A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."He returns her gaze, "Anything?""Anything."His voice softens, "Anything?""Anything," she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"


Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."

The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."

So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.

"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.

"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.

"Yeah, I think I do!"

"Well, I didn't."


An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."



An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,

"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."



Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did. He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!" Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night."



A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,

"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"



A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager:

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES . . .

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.


A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was.

Business or pleasure, he asks?

Sadness and pleasure! She says to the officer!

Why?

Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his funeral!

My condolences, says the officer!

It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through!

Not really, this is my pleasure! I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a Will for me!

clapping

Wise Words

Be Wise


Be Wise!Chewing gum could make you a better driver

Consider popping a stick of gum in your mouth before getting behind the wheel. Japanese researcher suggests that doing so could help keep you safe. When scientists asked people to press buttons in response to cues on a screen, those who were chewing gum reacted up to 9% or 45 milliseconds faster than those who weren’t.

The reason: Chewing stimulates the frontal cortex (the area of the brain that governs attention), prepping you for speedy reactions, so you’ll be able to tap that brakes faster in an emergency.


Be Wise!Positive Talk and Listening

"Be careful how you talk to yourself it may be one of the few times you are actually listening!"

Be Wise!Circle Love

When you like or love someone, put their name in a circle not a heart because a heart can break but a circle goes on for ever.

Be Wise!STEPS TO LIFE

WATCH WHAT YOU THINK,

IT BECOMES WHAT YOU SAY.

WATCH WHAT YOU SAY,

IT BECOMES WHAT YOU DO.

WATCH WHAT YOU DO,

IT BECOMES YOUR CHARACTER.

WATCH YOUR CHARACTER,

IT DETERMINES WHAT YOUR FUTURE WILL BE LIKE...


Be Wise!Read 2 Books a Month

If you read 25 pages a day, 6 days a week during your exercise time (walking, biking, elliptical, etc.) you will be able to read two, 300+ page books EVERY MONTH!

Be Wise!Lying !

You may need to lie to the world; but, never lie to yourself!

Be Wise!Linguistic Ecstasy

Let these words tingle your heart, mind, and soul.

Make the words a rose that never gets old.

An epic of delight in each word told.

Wrap my words around your heart like a glove.

Every vowel will protect you with love.

Purify your heart with these verbal doves.

Let the letters caress your eyes with pleasure.

Each verse is a hug of priceless measure.

The consonants adore you like treasure.

Feel the elation jump off the paper.

Let the words lift you like a skyscraper.

Float away with the verbal love vapor.

Allow every verse to make your beautiful smile gigantic.

Feel every stanza like the semantics are romantic.


Be Wise!Anybody out there?

It’s easy to get lost in your job especially in a fast paced technical workplace. Many people work in isolation. They encounter real problems that someone else may have solved already. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. Don’t work in a vacuum. Get together formally in groups or informally with co-workers and colleagues. You can identify problems and exchange solutions and strategies. Share the load, and you’ll find you lighten the burden.

Be Wise!To clean the microwave

To clean and freshen the microwave, in a bowl mix ¼ cup of white vinegar and 1 cup of water and heat for 5 minutes, this will remove odors and soften baked on food spills.

Be Wise!Humour is truth

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations.

There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

- VICTOR BORGE -


Be Wise!Do well in business

Want to do well in your own business? The three stages of success are....Give everyone the impression that you are a creative genius. Employ people who can run the business better than you can. Let them get on with it.

THE SHOEBOX

Money

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

For more stories like this, like The San Francisco Times!!

Thursday, February 14, 2019

Heelwork to music, Scottish style!

Knowledge

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for

Blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half

more than seven (7) times.

Donkeys kill more people annually

than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping

than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns

until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code

was Wrigley's gum.

The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive

from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)

Apples, not caffeine,

are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.


Most dust particles in your house are made from

DEAD SKIN!

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first "Marlboro Man."

Walt Disney was afraid

OF MICE!

PEARLS MELT

IN VINEGAR!

The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

but, not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

ABOUT DRINKING WATER


The following will probably amaze and startle you...

One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study.

Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or

Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

(No kidding, all of the above is true...)

Of course, too much water may have strange side effects (see picture below) ...














What is the most embarrassing thing your child has done in a supermarket?

Absolut Vodka

This was in a liquor store rather than a supermarket. I had stopped in for a bottle of wine to give to the hosts of a party. While I was selecting an appropriate bottle, my daughter (who had just turned four) picked up an especially pretty bottle of vodka, covered in little square blue mirrors. Blue is her favorite color. She danced around holding the bottle until I was done making my purchase.

I left the cashier and told her, "It's time to go—you can put that back on the shelf now."

She replied, in a happy, chirpy voice loud enough for the whole store to hear, "But I love vodka!"

--more--

Dear Kitten...

Why is your bottom in the middle?

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

The Pale Blue Dot

In his book Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space, astronomer Carl Sagan related his thoughts on a deeper meaning of the photograph:
From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of any particular interest. But for us, it's different. Consider again that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

Sagan pointed out that "all of human history has happened on that tiny pixel," 
shown here inside a blue circle, "which is our only home" 
(speech at Cornell University, October 13, 1994).
The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner. How frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity – in all this vastness – there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known, so far, to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment, the Earth is where we make our stand. It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.
Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space, 1997 reprint, pp. xv–xvi

LUTHERAN AIR

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE:

LUTHERAN AIR IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA... ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Air, DA No-frills airline. You're all in DA same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.

Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in DA rear of DA aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering and DA plane will not land 'til DA Budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit DA safety system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.

Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In DA event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean DA Second Coming or something of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on DA rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry About den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably DA Masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In DA event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying DA Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to DA part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on DA plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse DA plane's navigation system, which is seat of DA pants all DA way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in DA wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on DA Side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with DA coffee pot up front. Den we'll have DA hymn sing; hymnals are in DA seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace: "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close."

Angel on Highway 109

A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that night.

When broken bodies lay about
"And blood was everywhere,"
"The sirens screamed out eulogies,"
For death was in the air.

"A mother, trapped inside her car,"
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
"Oh, God, please spare my boys!"

She fought to loose her pinned hands;
"She struggled to get free,"
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity.

Her frightened eyes then focused
"On where the back seat once had been,"
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in.

Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
"She did not hear them cry, "
"And then she prayed they'd been thrown free, "
"Oh, God, don't let them die! "

Then firemen came and cut her loose, "
"But when they searched the back, "
"They found therein no little boys, "
But the seat belts were intact.

They thought the woman had gone mad
"And was traveling alone, "
"But when they turned to question her, "
They discovered she was gone.

Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
In beseeching supplication,
"Please help me find my boys!

They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
Their jeans are blue to match."
"One cop spoke up, ""They're in my car,
And they don't have a scratch.

They said their daddy put them there
And gave them each a cone, "
Then told them both to wait for Mom
To come and take them home.

"I've searched the area high and low, "
But I can't find their dad.
"He must have fled the scene
I guess, and that is very bad."

The mother hugged the twins and said,
While wiping at a tear,
"He could not flee the scene, you see, "
"For he's been dead a year."

"The cop just looked confused and asked, "
"Now, how can that be true? "
"The boys said, ""Mommy, Daddy came
And left a kiss for you.

He told us not to worry
And that you would be all right, "
And then he put us in this car with
The pretty, flashing light.

We wanted him to stay with us,
Because we miss him so,
But Mommy, he just hugged us tight
And said he had to go.

He said someday we'd understand
And told us not to fuss,"
And he said to tell you, Mommy,
"He's watching over us."

The mother knew without a doubt
That what they spoke was true,
For she recalled their dad's last words,
"I will watch over you."

The firemen's notes could not explain
The twisted, mangled car,
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.

But on the cop's report was scribed,
In print so very fine,
"An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109."

The Force


Sometimes when I am sitting in my car at a stoplight, I imagine myself as a Jedi Knight.
I close my eyes and concentrate on the Force.
Sometimes, I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know it works.
The light turns green, doesn't it?

Pushing Sex to the Edge

Edging
With a Little Patience, Edging Can Enhance Your Sex Life

By Ramon Johnson

The beauty of sex is that it is both a physical and psychological experience. Our body and mind work together to stimulate our senses and create sensations and awareness that lasts both for the moment and a long time to come. Many think of sex in terms of intercourse, but there are techniques beyond penetration that offer new and exciting ways to enhance the experience.

A technique called 'edging' is one way to break with the norm and heighten your excitement during masturbating or sex with a partner. Depending on your willpower and focus, edging can supercharge your pleasure. As an added benefit, edging over time helps prolong orgasms and ejaculation.

--find out more on edging at gaylife.about.com--

What's in a name?


Everything you wanted to know about Fags ... but were afraid to ask!

Rainbow Flag

 click here
Click on the bear to find out

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Let me Google that for you.


1. Which part of the boathouse on Cliff Road in Laugharne in the UK served as a famous author’s favourite writing spot?


I don't know. Google it.

One way to find the answer:

Search Google Maps for [Cliff Road, Laugharne, UK] to find Dylan Thomas’s boathouse on the road. Searching for [Dylan Thomas boathouse] in the Google search bar will reveal a number of articles about the poet’s writing habits. Read one to learn that he preferred to write in the _______.

2. If you came home from a trip with 150 South African rand, 350 Kuwaiti dinars, and 200 Japanese yen, how much would you have in U.S. dollars?


I don't know. Google it.

One way to find the answer:

Use Google Currency Converter. Currency values are constantly changing, but as of December 2012, a query of [150 rand in USD] might give you $21.49, [350 Kuwaiti dinars in USD] would yield $1,266.74, and [200 yen into USD] would give $2.44. Use Google Calculator to add these amounts and you’ll find you would have returned home with about $1,290.67 USD.


3. Who became the youngest female athlete in an individual event to win a medal in the Winter Olympics, when she earned silver for the 3,000 m in 1976?

I don't know. Google it.

Go to Google and search [women’s 3000 m Winter Olympics] to find that the event is probably the women’s speed skating event. Search [women’s 3000 m speed skating 1976 Winter Olympics] and look at a list of the medalists to see that __________ ______________ of East Germany won the silver medal when she was only 15. Search [__________ _______________ youngest female medalist] to confirm your answer.


Το-GaMaTo:Ο ένοχος σκύλος [Epic Video]

Doctors

An Israeli doctor says:
“In Israel, medicine is so advanced, that we cut off a man’s testicles, put them on another man, and in six weeks, he is looking for work”.


The German doctor says:
“That’s nothing, in Germany, we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in four weeks, he is looking for work”.


The Russian doctor says:
Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another’s chest, and in two weeks, he is looking for work.


The Canadian doctor laughs:
You all are behind us. Eight* years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now the whole country is looking for work.


This particular joke actually won an award for the best joke in a competition held in Britain.

*Original joke was Five years (I updated for today!)

The holy sh*t response to climate change

time to act now
The delicate balance of the planet's biosphere
is tipping -- threatening all life on earth
.
The last ice age happened in 6 months. 6 months for the planet to unleash an army of apartment-building-size ice blocks across Europe and the United States. It was a climate tipping point where the balance is knocked completely out of control and threatens the survival of everything -- and three more tipping points exactly like it are on the verge of happening.

It's our "holy shit" climate moment according to a leading NASA scientist, and only a holy shit massive coordinated day of action response, right now, can change the future we're facing.

One agreement with common sense steps to end dirty energy can save us. That's why the UN has called an urgent climate meeting in just over 100 days with all major world leaders — if we greet them on September 21st with the largest ever global climate mobilisation in history we can break through the walls of mega coal, oil, and business that prevent even the best politicians from doing what is right.

There's no way to get around how big a task this is. But together, each small action will add up into a millions-strong movement that literally drowns out the opposition and gives our leaders the best reason to break free and build a hopeful, clean and green future. Click below to join in:

https://secure.avaaz.org/en/join_to_change_everything/

"Tipping points" are feedback loops, where climate change feeds back on itself and causes rapidly accelerating, catastrophic consequences. Right now, methane gas that is 25 times worse for global warming than CO2 is frozen in our ice. But as the ice melts, the gas leaks, causing more melting and each melt loses us another layer of reflective ice shield that we rely on to keep the planet cool, more methane and less ice means more warming still, and everything starts to spin out of control. And that's just one example… it's why scientists are yelling from the rooftops that we have to act now.

We actually have the tools and the plan we need to make sure we don't cross into a world where tipping points destroy us. And while it will take global cooperation on a bigger scale than ever before, our 36 million-strong movement already has the people power necessary to move leaders from every country to take the first steps. Just days ago, the United States and China announced serious new plans to curb their pollution — momentum is building ahead of next year's critical Paris climate summit where a deal could be inked, and in just over 100 days we can take it up a notch further.

Taking to the streets in a record setting show of power and coordination is one of the most effective ways to create change -- from the anti-Apartheid movement in South Africa to civil rights in the US, it's sometimes been the only way. This is our chance to bring that power to the most important issue of our time: survival and a thriving future for our families, and their families and the generations of people to come. Click below to be a part of it all:

https://secure.avaaz.org/en/join_to_change_everything/

We know we can do this… and do it big. When our community was just 3 million people we held 3,000 actions on the same day to protect our planet. We're now 36 million strong, ten times the size! Imagine what we can achieve together now...

With so much hope for our future,

Emma, Iain, Lisa, Ricken, Alice, Emily, Sayeeda, Uilleam and the rest of the Avaaz team

MORE INFORMATION

Global warming: it's a point of no return in West Antarctica. What happens next? (The Guardian)
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/may/17/climate-change-antarctica-glaciers-melting-global-warming-nasa

A Call to Arms: An Invitation to Demand Action on Climate Change (Rolling Stone)
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/a-call-to-arms-an-invitation-to-demand-action-on-climate-change-20140521

Mini ice age took hold of Europe in months (New Scientist)
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20427344.800-mini-ice-age-took-hold-of-europe-in-months.html

Report: Prepare for climate tipping points (Politico)
http://www.politico.com/story/2013/12/national-research-council-report-climate-change-could-hit-tipping-points-environment-100615.html

Support the Avaaz Community!
Avaaz is entirely funded by donations and receive no money from governments or corporations. Our dedicated team ensures even the smallest contributions go a long way. Donate now:

https://secure.avaaz.org/en/donate

House of Stairs by M. C. Escher

House of Stairs is a lithograph print by the Dutch artist M. C. Escher first printed in November 1951. This print measures 18⅝" × 9⅜". It depicts the interior of a tall structure crisscrossed with stairs and doorways.

A total of 46 "wentelteefje" (imaginary creatures created by Escher) are crawling on the stairs. The wentelteefje has a long, armored body with six legs, humanoid feet, a parrot-like beak and eyes on stalks. Some are seen to roll in through doors, wound in a wheel shape and then unroll to crawl up the stairs, while others crawl down stairs and wind up to roll out. The wentelteefje first appeared earlier the same month in the lithograph Curl-up. Later that month, House of Stairs was extended to a vertical length of 55½" in a print titled House of Stairs II by repeating and mirroring some of the architecture and creatures.


House of Stairs by M. C. Escher

Escher designed his drawing to have three centers of gravity, each with a garden as a foundation. The figures that follow the staircases are faceless, suggesting that Everyman is in a labyrinth, no matter which Garden we come from. If you're stressed, just follow the staircases with your finger until you're relaxed.

CURTAIN RODS

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!...People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband... they even took the curtain rods!


I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Monday, February 11, 2019

The story of Mary Jones

by thisonewillnotdie

Mary Jones aka Peter Sewally

Mary Jones aka Peter Sewally of New York City was put on trial June 11th 1836 for pick pocketing a wallet containing 99$ from a white john with whom she had done business with the night before.

During their arrest Mary had attempted to throw out two additional wallets hidden in their bosom and the police upon taking Mary’s key and entering their home found dozens more wallets, watches and trinkets belonging to dozens of the cities male Upperclass whom although knowing Mary had stolen from them had become fearful to report to police least their vices be known to an increasingly moral conservative public.

Upon Mary’s interrogation and strip search it was discovered they were born as a man and had created a leather device in the shape and form of a vagina tied around their waist to keep clients from learning Mary’s T and birth sex (Although there is some dispute that the men were well aware of her male identity that she performed in the daytime)

On trial (in as far as I know) in the earliest known first person account of Queer life in United States Mary Jones went on record stating :
"I have been in the practice of waiting upon Girls of ill fame and made up their Beds and received the Company at the door and received the money for Rooms &c and they induced me to dress in Women’s Clothes, saying I looked so much better in them and I have always attended parties among the people of my own Colour dressed in this way — and in New Orleans I always dressed in this way"
In so doing Mary Jones explained that there existed an active and known community of what would now be called gays, transsexuals, and drag queens in both the most populated city in United States and the blackest city in the United States during the pre-Emancipation era populated solely by black and mixed race people.

Of course Mary was convicted of Grand Larceny imprisoned for five years but not before being humiliated during trial and her image sensationalized by the press. Additionally days after their initial release Mary was sentenced a second time to Sing-Sing for a five month period for daring to walk about in female attire again before finally disappearing from the records.

It can be argued that this community of which Mary belonged to was the foundation of the later Black Drag Cakewalk balls known in late 19th century New York City, the queer rent parties and gay social life of 1920’s Harlem and eventually the Ballroom/Vogue community formed in the 1940’s to Present.

Although their life was marred in controversy caused by the multipronged discrimination so common for black gender and sexually variant people (then and now) for exisiting out, open and matter of factly Mary Jones was able to create a “beginning” for recorded black Queer life and history in this nation.

The Bear

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."



The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate

Tech Calls (Help Desk)

Hopefully you won't find yourself on either side of these calls....

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

It is a funny joke, however a cd player could not read the cd unless there was an mp3 file in the root of the drive. So no sound would come out.



Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...



Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, darn it!


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work


Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


And last but not least:....

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!