The Gunfighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who - in his day - had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. 

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," replied the old-timer. 

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot the cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' something here. Got any more tips?" 

The old man pointed to a large can in the corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it ALL over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your a**, and it won't hurt as much!"

The Wiz on the Street

Death rates among people who work building computers are considerably higher than the rest of the population. So the Wizard hit the streets again, asking, "What do you think?"

Alex Beerman, Store Clerk. "Man, you can't do anything fun anymore without getting cancer. No smoking, no working in computer factories, no handling beryllium or beryllium compounds, no nothing, man."

Ken Glaser, Landscape Architect. "Great. So when the computers turn against us, there won't be anyone alive who knows their weaknesses."

Jessica LaGrange, Systems Analyst. "Jeez, now I feel bad about upgrading to the arsenic graphics card."

Seniors Are Proud People

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it figured maybe he had a cold or some such. 

But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill. Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! 

Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you???" Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail???," cried Sam!! "What in the world for???" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" "Yeah" said Sam, I remember her. What about her?" "Well one day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled "guilty" and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Bernie Madoff (1928 - 2021) No R.I.P. here!

Bernie Madoff, the financier who pleaded guilty to orchestrating the largest Ponzi scheme in history, died in a federal prison early Wednesday, a person familiar with the matter told The Associated Press.

Madoff died at the Federal Medical Center in Butner, North Carolina, apparently from natural causes, the person said. The person was not authorized to speak publicly and spoke to the AP on the condition of anonymity.

Paper Artistry

In the animation world, people who understand pencils and paper usually aren't computer people, and the computer people usually aren't the artistic people, so they always stand on opposite sides of the line. But I know what I like....

It's amazing what some people can do with a single sheet of paper.

The Pink Spotlight on Gay Symbols

Ever wondered what's up with all the symbols that gay people use? I'm sure that you have seen them - Rainbows, Triangles, and more... There are many reasons for the symbols... helps us recognize others in our tribe as well as showing PRIDE in part of who we are.

I have written a page and in honour of GLBT history month, It is available here as well as always being accessible by clicking on the 'Rainbow Bear' near the bottom of 'OZ'....

Happy reading!

Click Above.

Lords of Logistics

When you see these pictures, I think you'll appreciate having a car.
Click Above.

Why We Love Children

 

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,

"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room"

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy"

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

The Under-Appreciated "Klikle Sandwich"

I was eating my Klik (Canadian SPAM) and pickle sandwich on rye bread, The Wizard remembered back to his childhood days. It seemed so distant and far away. How Mom would make me horrible Klik and relish sandwiches - made me heave. All that ugly pink and green stuff. Geesh!- that was horrible. The taste would give you a reason to up-chuck. Now, many years after, those unpleasant painful memories were nothing more than distant nightmares. The Wizard has his life together. He can afford quality, gourmet meals. Klik and pickle with Keen's Hot Mustard on rye bread. And a glass of ToonTown tap water to wash it down. How times have changed.



"I am Sir Spam-a-lot, a K-Nig-Git* of the Circular Dinette" and I come seeking the Holy Gherkin."

*Reference to Monty Python

Spring Has Sprung!

 

On-Line Orgasm

  Give it a try!

Click here.

Riddle Me This!

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle? 

Click above for the answer.

Hard Gay Humour

Variety shows on Japanese television don’t shy away from over the top stereotypes. Far from it in fact. Comedy and entertainment (although I use the terms loosely) come before any sense of responsibility - or indeed sensibility. The introduction of the character Hard Gay however arguably takes this approach to a whole new level. The young chap it would appear struts the streets of Tokyo; performing acts of ‘social improvement’and shouting “Wooooo!” or “Hard Gay!” a lot. All interspersed with liberal doses of hip thrusting – his trademark movement. Although some thrusts it has to be said are more extreme than others. For any fans interested in copying their favourite comedy character, internet shopping site Rakuten has offerred at one time a Hard Gay costume set. The pack consisting of a hat, vest, hot pants and wristband. All for the very reasonable price of just under 6,000 yen (30 pounds).

*WordPress.com - Tokyo Times