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Sunday, May 19, 2019

Giggles with goats

Click here to gigle with the goats
Click above (Youtube) Ignore the Christmas theme, lol!

CONFUSED SENIOR!

There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets...
The cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control, Whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

old naked man


When the hysterical shrieking finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.


They need to make their instructions to us Seniors a little clearer !

I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD!

World's Best Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased..... She did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, had all the hot water to herself, never had pubic hairs under the toilet seat lid, She watched chick flicks, never had football on, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked good in sweat pants and shirt, and burped, swore, and farted all the time.

THE END

Twelve Reasons to Smile


Duck Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.



Duck Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.




Duck I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.



Duck How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?




Duck A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"



Duck I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!




Duck When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."




Duck Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.




Duck Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!




Duck Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?



Duck Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.




Duck Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

DID YOU KNOW?

Bubbles - Trailer Park Boys According to Bubbles, who is the smartest person that ever lived?








Answer: Plato – because he said it was alright to lie, as long as it benefits the greater good of the people.

Parking Space


A lady was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and vodka."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

unrelated picture, but I thought it was funny...

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Watch the birdie


***Not safe for work - Rated PG***

Click here.

Watch This . . .


THANKS TO ME... YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DO FOR A LITTLE WHILE NOW!!

Have a Wonderful Day!

Sylvester catches Tweety


Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety...(wait for it. It's worth it)... then scroll down...




















This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?

0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway. So why bother?
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - Good afternoon Mr Bush
5 min-1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1hr plus - congratulations. You have a negative IQ. To find out what your prize is, watch bugs until he finishes his carrot...

Balloons Gone Wild!

SPAM you never get...

Click on the image to see a larger picture. You may have to zoom in depending on your browser.

Unusual Puzzle for Vegitarians


Not your usual jigsaw puzzle!

Click here

Click above.
It's a slide puzzle

Friday, May 17, 2019

PUNS (these are pretty good)

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"


13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." !


18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. And finally, there was the person who posted twenty different puns for his readers, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

ZEN FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY

1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.

2. A Day Without Sunshine is Like, Night.

3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers..

4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory.

5. 42.7% Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.

6. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.

7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.

8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.

9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.

10. He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest.

11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.

12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.

13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.

14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.

15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.

16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.

17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.

18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!

19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.

20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!

21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing ACouple Of Payments.

22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-Kinesis? Raise My Hand.

23 . Ok,.... So What's The Speed Of Dark?

24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?

25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked Something.

26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.

27. Hard Work May Pay Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.

28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.

29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?

30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?

31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.

32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?

33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.

34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I MadeYour Horn Louder.

35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?

36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering What Happened.

37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off.

Grumpy Cat, the Internet's Favorite Forever-Frowning Feline, Has Died

The famed kitty first found internet fame in 2012, and went on to become a household name with everything from plush toys and books to her own movie

The famed kitty first found internet fame in 2012, and went on to become a household name with everything from plush toys and books to her own movieHere’s something to be grumpy about: Grumpy Cat, the furry feline who started as an Internet meme sensation before becoming a household name, has died. She was 7.

Grumpy’s caretakers — Tabatha Bundesen, her brother Bryan Bundesen and her daughter Crystal Bundesen, all of Morristown, Arizona — announced the news on Friday morning in a touching message to the cat’s more than 12.4 million followers across social media.

They explained that the cat had died “peacefully” in Tabatha’s arms on Tuesday morning, due to complications from a recent urinary tract infection that “unfortunately became too tough to overcome.”
“We are unimaginably heartbroken to announce the loss of our beloved Grumpy Cat,” they wrote of the animal, who was born on April 4, 2012. “Besides being our baby and a cherished member of the family, Grumpy Cat has helped millions of people smile all around the world — even when times were tough.”

“Her spirit will continue to live on through her fans everywhere,” they added in their emotional note.

The post, which came with a photo of Grumpy, was titled: “Some days are grumpier than others.”

--more at deathbeeper,com

The Test

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why she would ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, is delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

Popsicle

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex !!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"

kid with popsicle


"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

New Dog Breeds

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind...

Think Outside the Box

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again...

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside the Box."

HOWEVER, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers!!!!

I just love happy endings!

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Why would someone throw away a perfectly good horse?

Why would someone throw away a perfectly good horse?

The Scratch and Sniff Web Page

Pretty cool! I don't know how it works, but it does! It's made by NASA!

Click here.

How to ship a hippo

You'll need:

1 hippo
1,000-gallon tank per hippo
1,000 gallons of water
Crane
1-pound sedative
Soothing hippo music
2 Aspirin (for you)


How to pack:

1. Fill your tank with 800 gallons of water. Start yesterday. Remember, a medium-sized hippo takes up at least 200 gallons. (Just out of curiosity, why do you have a hippo, anyway?)

2. Apply sedative. Take two Aspirin.

3. Hold it, hold it - put the hippo in the tank, first. Start with soothing hippo music, followed by a large winch and crane.

4. Now go relax in a hot bath before the forklift arrives.

How to ship a hippo

WAIVER: We in no way advocate moving a hippo or any animal without the express advice and consent of your local vet or zoo keeper.

ONE ROSE & A KIND WORD

I would rather have one rose and a kind word from a friend while I'm here than a whole truckload when I'm gone.

Flowers

THESE ARE FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One rose and a teddy bear

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going!

Zero to 200....

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send you donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife."

They've got rythym....


They've got rythym....

Click Above.

Creative Johns

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU MEET A QUEER PERSON:

HINTS FOR HETEROSEXUALS


1. Do not run screaming from the room. This is rude.

2. If you must back away, do so slowly and with discretion.

3. Do not assume she/he is attracted to you.

4. Do not assume he/she is not attracted to you.

5. Do not assume that you are not attracted to her/him.

6. Do not expect him/her to be as excited about meeting a straight person as you may be about meeting a queer person.

7. Do not immediately start talking about your boy/girlfriend or husband/wife in order to make it clear that you are straight.

8. Do not ask them how they got that way. Instead, ask yourself how you got the way you are.

9. Do not assume they are dying to talk about being gay.

10. Do not expect them to refrain from talking about being gay.

11. Do not trivialize their experience by assuming it is a bedroom issue. They are gay twenty-four hours a day.

Funny cuz it's true! Parkas on Ticket machines


Parka's on ticket machines
Funny cuz it's true