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Monday, December 06, 2021

Popsicle

 Popsicle The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:


"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex !!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

Noah Today

 Noah's Ark

In the year 2021, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Love and Marriage

 

Old Folks

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it? " The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

Sunday, December 05, 2021

New Drug

 

New Drug

R.I.P. Bob Dole (1923 - 2021)

Bob Dole

Former U.S. Sen. Bob Dole, who will be remembered for the tenacity that defined his career and his work on behalf of fellow military veterans, died Sunday morning. He was 98.

Modern Day Birds and Bees

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?" 

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway...   ...Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-up appeared that said:  You got Male!"

Don't Gross Out The World

Don't Gross Out The World
Click Above.

 


Saturday, December 04, 2021

Roll UP The Rim....

 

Roll UP The Rim....

CASINO BLONDE

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet 10,000 on a single roll of the dice, and she adds,"I hope you don't mind,but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. 

With that said she takes off everything but her necklace,and rolls the dice. Yelling,"Mama needs new clothes!", then she yells,"Yes,Yes,Yes!!" She begins jumping up and down and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. 

Finally one of them asks,what did she roll anyway? The other answers, "I don't know, I thought you were watching." 

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb. 

Well there are exceptions: A blonde said "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

Interesting Pictures...

 

Poor BabyTigerHorse chasing puppyNo way Jose!Firefighter?

Friday, December 03, 2021

R.I.P. Jay Jay Phillips (1991 - 2021)

Jay Jay Phillips
“America’s Got Talent” contestant Jay Jay Phillips has reportedly died from COVID-19. He was 30. "It still doesn’t feel real and we would give anything to change it,"  Mettal Maffia read.

MettalMaffia Official
It is with great sadness we inform you all of the loss of our bandmate/brother/and friend @jayjayrocks. It still doesn’t feel real and we would give anything to change it. Please respect the family, as well as our wishes as we take our time to grieve and process this detrimental loss.

We miss you brother, every second of every minute, of every day.
Thank you for teaching us all to laugh a little more.
Rock in Paradise­čĺÜ

Yup!

 

Waiting for bonus

DIVORCE IN HEAVEN

 A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven they approached St.Peter "My fiance and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" St.Peter replied, "I'll tell you what-after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again." 

Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter again,and he told them "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer." Another five years pass, when St.Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now, thanks for your patience." 

The couple married, unfortunately, soon after the wedding the couple realize that they are not compatible. Going to see St.Peter they asked if there was such a thing as a divorce in heaven. St.Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly "Look it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

Putty Tat

Points to Ponder...

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about: 

Can you cry under water? 

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? 

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 

What disease did cured ham actually have? 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? 

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. 

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above? 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Thursday, December 02, 2021

Why Computers Sometimes Crash! by Dr. Seuss.

 (Read this to yourself aloud - it's great!)


     Doctor Suess 
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
computer
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
old lady at computer
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall......
old man at computer
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
cowboy at computer
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
hillbilly at computer
Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
Bill the cat
Thank you, Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives!

New Computer Keyboard

 

New Computer Keyboard 
 MMMM...Smores!

R.I.P Eddie Mekka (1952 - 2021)


Eddy Mekka

Eddie Mekka, the Tony-nominated actor best known for his role as Carmine “The Big Ragu” Ragusa of “Laverne & Shirley,” has died. He was 69.

The veteran TV and stage actor reportedly passed away on Nov. 27 at his home in Newhall, California, according to friend and fellow Berklee College of Music alum, Pat Benti, who did not share a cause of death in his tribute on Facebook.

Eddy Mekka

IZ

Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwo╩╗ole

 

When 'OZ' first started, I had IZ's "Over the Rainbow" song playing in the background. IZ had already passed away (R.I.P.) I had received permission from IZ's mother and she liked my dedication to IZ at the bottom of 'OZ'. However it became clear that she didn't have the rights to his music and I received an email from lawyers to take it down. I had it auto play for several years before getting the notice. R.I.P. IZ, you were a great man!

Wednesday, December 01, 2021

Reading

 Reading order revealed!

Told ya so!

The Princess Spud

 

The Princess Spud

World AIDS Day

 

World AIDS Day

The 1st of December, World AIDS Day, is the day when individuals and organizations from around the world come together to bring attention to the global AIDS epidemic. This year, 2021 marks the 33rd anniversary of World AIDS Day. Whilst we have come a long ways since 1988, there is still much more to be done.

World AIDS Day - December 1stWhat is HIV?

HIV is a virus that attacks the body's immune system - the body's defence against diseases. The latest research suggests that between 70 and 90 per cent of people may experience symptoms of infection a few days after having been infected. Three symptoms occurring together: fever, rash and a severe sore throat should always be considered a potential indicator of HIV infection. These symptoms usually disappear within two or three weeks. Other people may not have symptoms to start with. In all cases, without effective treatment the immune system will eventually become very weak and no longer be able to fight off illnesses.

World AIDS Day - December 1stAre HIV and AIDS the same?

No. When someone is described as living with HIV, they have the HIV virus in their body. A person is considered to have developed AIDS when the immune system is so weak it can no longer fight off a range of diseases with which it would normally cope.

World AIDS Day - December 1stI don't know anyone with HIV... do I?

At the end of 2005 there were an estimated 58,000 people in Canada living with HIV - up from 50,000 in 2002. Of these, around 30% were unaware of their infection. It is estimated that between 2,300 and 4,500 new HIV infections occur in Canada each year, though many of these are not reported right away.

From the start of testing in November 1985 until the end of June 2007, there have been 63,604 positive HIV tests reported to CIDPC (Centre for Infectious Disease Prevention and Control). In 2006, there were 2,557 positive test results. This figure includes some persons since they were under 15 years old; their gender was not reported; or they were reported as transgender.

World AIDS Day - December 1stIs there a cure for HIV?

No, but treatment can keep the virus under control and the immune system healthy. People on HIV treatment can live a healthy, active life, although they may experience side effects from the treatment. If HIV is diagnosed late, treatment may be less effective in preventing AIDS.

World AIDS Day - December 1stWhat's it like living with HIV?

If people with HIV are diagnosed early and respond to treatment they can be healthy, work and have relationships like anyone else and have a long life expectancy.

Coming to terms with an HIV diagnosis and getting used to treatment can be very difficult however, and people living with HIV will often need support from healthcare providers, friends and family, employers and support organizations.

World AIDS Day - December 1stWhy do people find it hard to tell others they are HIV positive?

People living with HIV may find it hard to tell others about their condition as they worry that people will reject them, or they will experience prejudice from friends, family and colleagues. People living with HIV can also experience discrimination in their workplace, in healthcare settings (e.g., GPs and dentists), from members of their local community and through the media.

HIV prejudice is often the result of ignorance about how HIV is passed on and unfounded fear of becoming infected. Encouraging those around us to talk about HIV and find out the facts can help overcome this.

In the period 1985-2001, the men who have sex with men (MSM) category accounted for 62% of adult HIV diagnoses for which exposure category was reported. The equivalent proportion was 39% in 2006. MSM remains the largest single exposure category.

In recent years around a quarter of new adult HIV diagnoses have been among women. Nearly two thirds of the women diagnosed in 2006 with reported exposure category were probably infected through heterosexual contact.

Problem with a neighbour?

 

Problem with a neighbour?

Tuesday, November 30, 2021

Laughs from Employee Performance Evaluations

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from federal government employee performance evaluations.


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

THE LAWYER AND THE LEXUS

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out,a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911 within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His lexus which he had just picked up the day before was now completely ruined. When the lawyer finally calmed down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are the cop said, you are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.

How can you say such a thing, asked the lawyer? The cop replied "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.

"My God!"Screamed the Lawyer "My Rolex!" 

The Little Old Lady in Court

*Defence Attorney:* Will you please state your age?

*Little Old Lady:* I am 86 years old.

*Defence Attorney:* Will you tell us in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

*Little Old Lady:* There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

*Defence Attorney:* Did you know him?

*Little Old Lady:* No, but he sure was friendly.

*Defence Attorney:* What happened after he sat down?

* Little Old Lady:* He started to rub my thigh.

*Defence Attorney:* Did you stop him?

*Little Old Lady: *No, I did

*Defence Attorney:* Why not?

*Little Old Lady:* It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

*Defence Attorney:* What happened next?

*Little Old Lady:* He began to rub my breasts.

*Defence Attorney:* Did you stop him then?

*Little Old Lady:* No, I did not stop him.

*Defence Attorney:* Why not?

*Little Old Lady: *His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited I haven't felt that good in years!

*Defence Attorney:* What happened next?

*Little Old Lady:* Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

*Defence Attorney: *Did he take you?

*Little Old Lady: *Hell, no! He yelled, "April Fool"!! And that's when I shot the little bastard.

Monday, November 29, 2021

R.I.P. Richard Lee Sung (1930 - 2021)

Richard Lee-Sung, an actor of the hit series M*A*S*H, reportedly passed away just days after he turned 91 years old in August.

Richard Lee Sung

According to MASH Matters Podcast, Richard Lee-Sung passed away on August 16th of this year. He was a father, grandfather, and great grandfather. The podcast revealed the late actor’s obituary, which reads, “He leaves behind a legacy of family, friends, and people he influences throughout his lifetime with his good-natured humor, spirited laugh and smile, and a positive approach to everything in life.

Flashback to 1974

 Phantom of the Paradise

1974. Embraced mostly by Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada and Paris, France. 
Love it or hate it? And why?

The face - It turns, turns, turns...

 

Does the face torn to the side?

Black Panther cub

 

Black Panther Cub

Saturday, November 27, 2021

"Slush Balls" on Lake Manitoba

Slush Balls on Lake Manitoba

Rare ice formations in Canada's Lake Manitoba. In what can be called a welcome surprise, visitors to Lake Manitoba in Canada witnessed a rare phenomenon, which is only seen every few years around the world.  

Slush balls on Lake Manitoba

The weather conditions seem to have become conducive for the formation of thousands of slush balls along the shore of the massive lake. According to the experts, this phenomenon can be witnessed when air temperatures are below freezing and there are onshore winds and waves to ensure the waterway does not become a solid sheet of ice.  

10 things to say instead of Stop Crying

 

10 things to say instead of stop crying

I Did Done That too

 

I Did Done That too
The Wizard got 27/50. Put your score in the comments