A little out of season now but still funny

Nominee for the shortest, funniest Santa letter of the year:

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus: "Send me a brother".

Santa wrote back: "Send me your mother".

Happy New Year!

Adam

God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord,what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....." !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said...


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YOUR GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!

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"What's a headache?"

Technical Revolution or De-Evolution?

Water vs Wine Education

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) Bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine, beer (or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.  

WATER = Poo WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poo, drink WINE!!! It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service. 

Have a nice day...

Snowball fight 124 years ago in Lyon, France

from r/funny

Drunk

 A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

COVID-19 in Saskatchewan

 

From The Canadian Press

Saskatchewan has one of the highest rates of active COVID-19 cases per 100,000 in Canada. Another 248 infections and five more deaths for a total of more than 200 were reported.

Dr. Saqib Shahab, chief medical health officer, said 49 people have died since the start of January, and added that the most recent infections are likely to result in more hospitalizations and ICU admissions in the next few weeks.

Shahab said a continuing rise in cases can only be avoided if there is "universal compliance" with public-health advice. He cautioned that even a small number of rule-breakers could cause cases to surge.

*Mandatory masking province-wide in indoor public spaces
*All private dwelling indoor gatherings are limited to immediate households (people you currently live with) only. Single individuals (a person who resides on their own) are permitted to meet with one household of less than five (always the same household).
*Co-parenting arrangements are permitted to continue. Caregivers, support personnel and tradespersons are permitted.
*Outdoor gatherings limited to maximum 10 people (People in attendance must ensure that physical distancing of at least two metres between households is maintained)
*Visits to long-term care and personal care homes suspended except for compassionate reasons
*No alcohol sales after 10 p.m. in licensed establishments
*Entertainment transportation no longer permitted

Love

 

Slang From The 1920s That Needs To Make A Comeback

By Lili Steffen 

The Roaring Twenties is best known for its bustling nightlife scene and significant contributions to music, literature, art and fashion. It was a post-war period of dazzling decadence that all came crashing down with the Great Depression.

Since then, the 1920s had a premature renaissance during the mid-2010s, back when Great Gatsby-themed parties were all the rage. But now that it’s been a full century, we thought we’d have a grand old time revisiting some 1920s slang. Many words quickly come and go out of fashion, but like the iconic bob cut, do some of them deserve a comeback? Join us on our trip back in time to revive some Golden Age slang.  

1. The Cat’s Pajamas

Meaning: The most excellent; cool

You might’ve already heard this expression, which refers to someone who is really cool and/or good at what they do (in mid-2010s slang, “baller” would suffice). Other kooky versions of this phrase include combinations like “the eel’s ankle” or “the monkey’s eyebrows,” neither of which caught on. Perhaps there’s something inherently impressive (read: cute) about a cat in pajamas, but how exactly did this odd complement come to be?

As a figure of speech, it actually made a lot of sense during its time. “Cat” was used to describe the coolest of the cool (a.k.a. flapper dancers or jazz musicians). “Pajamas” (or pyjamas, if you’re not from the US) comes from the Hindustani pāy-jāma or Persian pāy-jāmeh and refers to the comfy, loose-fitting clothes you wear when you don’t want to leave the house. Back then, they were an up-and-coming fashion trend.

--more at babbel.com

Congratulations President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris

 

Congratulations from Canada!

Canada looks forward to a more stable government in The United States as President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris are sworn in. We look forward to 4 years of strong, stable leadership.

Rainbow

What you see here is something rare that's being described as what happens when a rainbow falls apart. It’s actually a rainbow being diffused by scattered raindrops which reflect off the clouds behind it. If the clouds were gone it would just be a regular rainbow.

Freedom to not wear a mask

 

A Daily Affirmation

With open heart and opened mind,
I embrace the world.
In perfect love and perfect trust,
I embrace the world.
Let all who I encounter
Grant me the same accord.
May we see only friends
In the faces that we pass.
Cast off dark thoughts
And walk into the light.
This is my will.

"AnkhIwiEmHotep"
Life and Peace be with You --Cinosam

The Order Bathrobe

There is no emotion, there is peace.

There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.

There is no passion, there is serenity.

There is no chaos, there is harmony.

There is no death, and there are no clothes under here.

 

The newspaper clipping is even funnier than the sign

 

Don't Start A Family Feud Over Email

Sending email to family and friends is a fantastic way to communicate. There are no long-distance telephone charges and the recipient doesn't have to be right by the phone to get your message. What is really great about it is that you can send jokes, pictures and other files but that is where some people get into trouble. Here are some guidelines for email etiquette.  

Keep It Short If you want your email to be read, keep it short and straight to the point. Format long messages so that it can be scanned by using paragraph headers, just like these tips have been formatted.  

Ask Before Sending Attachments Some people will not open attachments because of the virus risk so why send them if they won't be opened?  

Don't Send Huge Files That 2.5 MB video may be the greatest thing since the invention of the computer, even though I don't think there are still people on slow dial up connections but in any case they may be get upset if you send it. If they are on a slow connection, a 2 MB file takes around 15 minutes to download. If you have permission to send attachments don't send files larger than 100 KB to users with slow internet unless you ask first.  

Remove The Junk There is nothing worse than trying to read something with six forward signs (>>>>>>) in front of each line and all the past forwarding headers. If the joke is that great that you want to share it, clean it up.  

And Speaking of Jokes Did you ask if they the recipient wants jokes forwarded to them? (That was the main reason I started 'OZ'... that way, my friends can read them at their leisure). You don't have to forward every one that you come across! Send jokes that you know that the receiver would enjoy. Also be sure to ask the recipient if they want jokes that are colorful in nature because they might not care for them or they have kids that use the same email program.  

Use The BCC Option Whenever Possible When sending an email to a group of people, use the BCC option instead of CC option so that everyone won't see the long list of email addresses on the email. This should be done for safety reasons because stalkers have infiltrated groups of friends by seeing a group of email addresses, then sending to one of the people saying they know the other person. Using the CC option and then forwarding with other headers produces a long list of email addresses that spammers would love to get their hands on.  

Sending Pictures I love to get pictures from family and friends! To me this is one of the greatest features of Internet! If you want to send a lot of pictures to many people, why not create a photo album online? That way you can just send the address to your friends, then they can go look! 

Be Emotional Remember that when a person reads an email they can't see your facial expressions. Add a smile face :) or a frown :( so that the reader can tell your mood when you wrote something. For example, "That Linda is something else" can be clarified by adding a smile face if you mean it joking or with a frown if you are trying to convey that Linda is a disappointment.  

Don't Give Out Other People's Email Address Many sites offer the ability to "Email This Page". It is a great service if they have a certified privacy policy. Some sites harvest the email addresses you enter and then sell them to spammers.  

Don't Get Mad Did you send a joke and not get a reply? How high of an email volume does this person have? As for myself, I get on average 200 email messages a day (spam, discussion groups, jokes and business email). If I replied to every single message I would never be off the computer.

What A Waste Of Hard-Earned $$!!!

 

You wanna flirt with the person of your dreams! Are you curious to see how well u can impress gorgeous women with words? Find out now!

Join? Text FLIRT to 85050.

Unsubscribe? Text FLIRT STOP to 85050.
Subscribers receive one daily message at $0.99 per message. (29.70 per month)
Separate wireless provider text message fees apply.
 

Share the fun! Get the funniest, coolest and most hilarious jokes directly on your cell phone!

Join? Text SMILE to 85050.

Unsubscribe? Text SMILE STOP to 85050.
Subscribers receive one daily message at $0.99 per message. (29.70 per month)
Separate wireless provider text message fees apply.


ASTRO! With your personal horoscope you'll be much better prepared for the day. Sign up! And receive your personal horoscope by text messaging (on a daily basis) directly on your cell phone.

Join? Text ASTRO to 85050.

Unsubscribe? Text ASTRO STOP to 85050.
Subscribers receive one daily message at $0.99 per message. (29.70 per month)
Separate wireless provider text message fees apply.

   
JOKE! They're Hilarious! Get the best jokes directly on your cell phone! Make your friends laugh and enjoy the most wanted jokes every day.

Join? Text JOKE to 85050

Unsubscribe? Text JOKE STOP to 85050

Subscribers receive one daily message at $0.99 per message. (29.70 per month)
Separate wireless provider text message fees apply.

 
Score NOW!!! Get the best SPORT MESSAGES daily on your cell phone! Choose your favorite sport and receive the latest news, player info and scores of your favorite team. Don't miss it!!! CATCH all the action on your phone!

Join? Text SPORT to 85050

Unsubscribe? Text SPORT STOP to 85050

Subscribers receive one daily message at $0.99 per message. (29.70 per month)
Separate wireless provider text message fees apply.

 
IT'S HOT, IT'S COOL, IT'S TEXT WEATHER USA!! We will keep you informed and up to date with your local weather forecast! You will always be prepared and ready to face the daily weather, wherever you are!

Join? Text WEATHER to 85050

Unsubscribe? Text WEATHER STOP to 85050

Subscribers receive one daily message at $0.99 per message. (29.70 per month)
Separate wireless provider text message fees apply.

 
Receive the latest news from around the world daily on your cell phone! We will always keep you up to date with breaking news, headlines and top stories. Do it now and stay informed!

Join? Text NEWS to 85050

Unsubscribe? Text NEWS STOP to 85050

Subscribers receive one daily message at $0.99 per message. (29.70 per month)
Separate wireless provider text message fees apply.

 
Receive the latest music news from your stars and idols daily on your cell phone! We will always keep you up to date with breaking news, headlines and top stories. Do it now and stay informed!

Join? Text MUSIC to 85050

Unsubscribe? Text MUSIC STOP to 85050

Subscribers receive one daily message at $0.99 per message. (29.70 per month)
Separate wireless provider text message fees apply.
 
Charges are billed on wireless phone bill or deducted from balance. Users must be 18 or older and authorized account holder. The services are for entertainment purposes only ...

And to part you from your money! Is The Wizard the only one who thinks these are a waste of $$? $356.40/year!Besides... You can get your dose of these things right here on 'OZ' and FREE

Natural Highs

Think about them one at a time before going on to the next one.

It Does Make You Feel Good, especially the thought at the end of #45.

1. Falling in love.


2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.


3. A hot shower.


4. No lines at the supermarket.


5. A special glance.


6. Getting mail. (regular or email)


7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.


8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.


9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.


10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.


11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).


12. A bubble bath.


13. Giggling.


14. A good conversation.


15. The beach


16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.


17. Laughing at yourself.


18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you.


19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.


20. Running through sprinklers.


21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.


22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.


23. Laughing at an inside joke.


24. Friends. (Vince!)


25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.


26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.


27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).


28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.


29. Playing with a new puppy.


30. Having someone play with your hair. (hair?)


31. Sweet dreams.


32. Hot chocolate.


33. Road trips with friends.


34. Swinging on swings.


35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.


36. Making chocolate chip cookies.


37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.


38. Holding hands with someone you care about.


39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.


40. Watching the _____expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.


41. Watching the sunrise.


42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.


43. Knowing that somebody misses you.


44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.


45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Captain, My Captain...

 

Doctor Fun

 

Can You Find The "C"?

If you can pass, you can safely turn on your ignition key again and cancel your annual eye examination...


(Good exercise for the eyes!)

Can you find the "C"


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


Once you've found the C..........


Find the 6!

 
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999



Once you've found the 6...

Find the N! (it's hard!!)

 
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM

Once you've found the N... You can keep your license!

Lake yields answer to 50-year old mystery

NORTH BAY, Ont.(Canadian Press) — Ontario Provincial Police have confirmed that human remains found at the bottom of a northern Ontario lake are those of a North Bay couple who vanished 50 years ago.

Allan and Margaret Campbell went missing from their Trout Lake cottage on May 29, 1956.

Police found the remains in October at the bottom of the lake about 4.5 metres away from the couple's sunken boat.

Extensive marine searches were conducted at the time of the disappearance, but new sonar technology allowed police to find the remains and boat last year.

Since the recovery, investigators have concluded there is no evidence of foul play, and all evidence points to the couple drowning after a boating accident.

When the remains were found, police suspected they had located the Campbells, but it was not until further DNA testing was done that they were able to get confirmation.

MLK Jr

Click above for his speech (Streaming mp3)

Winnie The Pooh Day

To celebrate Winnie the Pooh Day, a long-lost section of the Bayeux Tapestry ,featuring the little known story of how Pooh, Eeyore, Tigger, Kanga, Roo, Owl and Rabbit valiantly sought to repel the Norman invasion of England in 1066.

Illustrator E. H. Shepard drew this for a limited edition book bag.

Magic Gopher Answer (Spoiler alert)

Ok...My inbox has been flooded, over this Magic Gopher. Click below to find out how he does it. Warning - Spoiler! If you haven't tried Magic Gopher, click here to goto that post.

Click Above.

This sums up LIFE...so beautifully...

 

Clouds...

 

"What's In A Name"?

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name."
 
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.? Not ever."
 
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
 
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
 
FIVE YEARS LATER.....

The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is  awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
 
Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
 
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
 
Thank you for your advice.
 
Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Mary Poppins and Pennywise

Mary Poppins and Pennywise are creatures of the same species.

by Reddit user HumanoidMold5

Each returns every 20-something years (Pennywise 27, Mary Poppins 25) to regenerate energy from a new group of children, but also have a tendency to return to those they met on their last visit (Pennywise returns to the Losers, Mary Poppins returns to the Bankses.)

Mary Poppins manages to maintain energy for 25 years despite interacting with less children than Pennywise requires for 27 years as she relies on children’s joy, unlike Pennywise who relies on their fear, and as proven in Monsters Inc children’s laughter is worth more than their fear.

Upon each of their returns, they draw a child named Georgie away from their siblings with a paper toy, then appear alongside that toy to return it to Georgie (Mary Poppins returns Georgie's kite, Pennywise acts as though he’s returning Georgie’s boat.)

Each has the same set of powers, in which they can take advantage of what lies in the children’s minds (Mary Poppins uses their imagination, Pennywise uses their fear.)

Mary Poppins famously has a living reflection that can function separately from her, and Pennywise is shown to share this ability in Chapter Two.

In each of these stories, the parents are oblivious to the fantastical situations being experienced by the children.

The Losers club forget their experiences as children until Pennywise returns, and although the Banks children do not forget Mary Poppins, they do forget that the magical experiences actually happened, and they remember Mary Poppins as just a nanny.

Each has a love for singing and dancing, which should be obvious for Mary Poppins, but becomes clearer for Pennywise when you remember that he refers to himself as Pennywise the Dancing Clown, dances for Beverly in Chapter One, and sings for Richie in Chapter Two.

Pennywise is heavily associated with the song Oranges and Lemons, which is a song about old London, where Mary Poppins lives, showing that Pennywise has an awareness that another member of his species is out there, and he knows exactly where they are.

At the end of Mary Poppins returns, the characters all grab balloons and float into the air, and balloons and floating are both highly associated with Pennywise.

I now formally demand that Stephen King and Disney collaborate on a shared-universe project, in which the Practically Perfect Nanny throws down with the Dancing Clown under Derry.

Wow! What a road!

Road of Death Stremnaya road is called the road of death and its situated in Bolivia.

Would you like to add this to your daily commute? I would be curious to know how many have gone over the edge.