The Happy Woman

 

A PowerPoint Presentation. Click here.

Enjoy the chuckle - true story

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. 

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch  his legs."

Picture this:

All the passengers in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! 

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story.... Have a great day and remember...

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR. 

Job Application

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.

They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!!

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

READ THIS VERY SLOWLY. . . IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. 

From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible. How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner  until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you? How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television? I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." 

She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together. Because North Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect! We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of  college. Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of  "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit." 

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord. My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. 

If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy. Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I posted this for you. 

 

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round 

or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? 

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? 

Do you run through each day on the fly? 

When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply? 

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? 

 

Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? 

Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?  

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... 

 

Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

R.I.P Ray Liotta (1954 - 2022)

 

Ray Liotta, the actor known for his roles in "Field of Dreams" and the Martin Scorsese mob classic "Goodfellas," has died. He was 67. The actor reportedly died in his sleep in the Dominican Republic, where he had been shooting the film Dangerous Waters. Liotta’s rep, Jennifer Craig, confirmed the actor’s death.

3 Hymns

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said,

"I'll take him

and him

and him!

Uses for Vodka

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger spray bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.  The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving.  The vodka disinfects the blade and   prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12 ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen ounce trigger spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill them.

9. Pour one half cup vodka and one half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.  

10. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as a liniment.

11. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

12. Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

13. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil from your skin.

14. Swish a shot of vodka over an aching tooth.  Allow your gums to absorb some of the alcohol to numb the pain.

AND SILLY ME... I'VE ONLY BEEN DRINKING IT!!

The Wizard's Pick - A short story

The Cactus

by O.Henry

"The garments of his soul must have appeared sorry and threadbare. Vanity and conceit? These were the joints in his armor. And how free from either she had always been--But why--"

The most notable thing about Time is that it is so purely relative. A large amount of reminiscence is, by common consent, conceded to the drowning man; and it is not past belief that one may review an entire courtship while removing one's gloves.

That is what Trysdale was doing, standing by a table in his bachelor apartments. On the table stood a singular-looking green plant in a red earthen jar. The plant was one of the species of cacti, and was provided with long, tentacular leaves that perpetually swayed with the slightest breeze with a peculiar beckoning motion.

Trysdale's friend, the brother of the bride, stood at a sideboard complaining at being allowed to drink alone. Both men were in evening dress. White favors like stars upon their coats shone through the gloom of the apartment.

As he slowly unbuttoned his gloves, there passed through Trysdale's mind a swift, scarifying retrospect of the last few hours. It seemed that in his nostrils was still the scent of the flowers that had been banked in odorous masses about the church, and in his ears the lowpitched hum of a thousand well-bred voices, the rustle of crisp garments, and, most insistently recurring, the drawling words of the minister irrevocably binding her to another.

From this last hopeless point of view he still strove, as if it had become a habit of his mind, to reach some conjecture as to why and how he had lost her. Shaken rudely by the uncompromising fact, he had suddenly found himself confronted by a thing he had never before faced --his own innermost, unmitigated, arid unbedecked self. He saw all the garbs of pretence and egoism that he had worn now turn to rags of folly. He shuddered at the thought that to others, before now, the garments of his soul must have appeared sorry and threadbare. Vanity and conceit? These were the joints in his armor. And how free from either she had always been--But why--

As she had slowly moved up the aisle toward the altar he had felt an unworthy, sullen exultation that had served to support him. He had told himself that her paleness was from thoughts of another than the man to whom she was about to give herself. But even that poor consolation had been wrenched from him. For, when he saw that swift, limpid, upward look that she gave the man when he took her hand, he knew himself to be forgotten. Once that same look had been raised to him, and he had gauged its meaning. Indeed, his conceit had crumbled; its last prop was gone. Why had it ended thus? There had been no quarrel between them, nothing--

For the thousandth time he remarshalled in his mind the events of those last few days before the tide had so suddenly turned.

She had always insisted upon placing him upon a pedestal, and he had accepted her homage with royal grandeur. It had been a very sweet incense that she had burned before him; so modest (he told himself); so childlike and worshipful, and (he would once have sworn) so sincere. She had invested him with an almost supernatural number of high attributes and excellencies and talents, and he had absorbed the oblation as a desert drinks the rain that can coax from it no promise of blossom or fruit.

As Trysdale grimly wrenched apart the seam of his last glove, the crowning instance of his fatuous and tardily mourned egoism came vividly back to him. The scene was the night when he had asked her to come up on his pedestal with him and share his greatness. He could not, now, for the pain of it, allow his mind to dwell upon the memory of her convincing beauty that night--the careless wave of her hair, the tenderness and virginal charm of her looks and words. But they had been enough, and they had brought him to speak. During their conversation she had said:

"And Captain Carruthers tells me that you speak the Spanish language like a native. Why have you hidden this accomplishment from me? Is there anything you do not know?"

Now, Carruthers was an idiot. No doubt he (Trysdale) had been guilty (he sometimes did such things) of airing at the club some old, canting Castilian proverb dug from the hotchpotch at the back of dictionaries. Carruthers, who was one of his incontinent admirers, was the very man to have magnified this exhibition of doubtful erudition.

But, alas! the incense of her admiration had been so sweet and flattering. He allowed the imputation to pass without denial. Without protest, he allowed her to twine about his brow this spurious bay of Spanish scholarship. He let it grace his conquering head, and, among its soft convolutions, he did not feel the prick of the thorn that was to pierce him later.

How glad, how shy, how tremulous she was! How she fluttered like a snared bird when he laid his mightiness at her feet! He could have sworn, and he could swear now, that unmistakable consent was in her eyes, but, coyly, she would give him no direct answer. "I will send you my answer to-morrow," she said; and he, the indulgent, confident victor, smilingly granted the delay. The next day he waited, impatient, in his rooms for the word. At noon her groom came to the door and left the strange cactus in the red earthen jar. There was no note, no message, merely a tag upon the plant bearing a barbarous foreign or botanical name. He waited until night, but her answer did not come. His large pride and hurt vanity kept him from seeking her. Two evenings later they met at a dinner. Their greetings were conventional, but she looked at him, breathless, wondering, eager. He was courteous, adamant, waiting her explanation. With womanly swiftness she took her cue from his manner, and turned to snow and ice. Thus, and wider from this on, they had drifted apart. Where was his fault? Who had been to blame? Humbled now, he sought the answer amid the ruins of his self-conceit. If--

The voice of the other man in the room, querulously intruding upon his thoughts, aroused him.

"I say, Trysdale, what the deuce is the matter with you? You look unhappy as if you yourself had been married instead of having acted merely as an accomplice. Look at me, another accessory, come two thousand miles on a garlicky, cockroachy banana steamer all the way from South America to connive at the sacrifice--please to observe how lightly my guilt rests upon my shoulders. Only little sister I had, too, and now she's gone. Come now! take something to ease your conscience."

"I don't drink just now, thanks," said Trysdale.

"Your brandy," resumed the other, coming over and joining him, "is abominable. Run down to see me some time at Punta Redonda, and try some of our stuff that old Garcia smuggles in. It's worth the, trip. Hallo! here's an old acquaintance. Wherever did you rake up this cactus, Trysdale?"

"A present," said Trysdale, "from a friend. Know the species?"

"Very well. It's a tropical concern. See hundreds of 'em around Punta every day. Here's the name on this tag tied to it. Know any Spanish, Trysdale?"

"No," said Trysdale, with the bitter wraith of a smile--"Is it Spanish?"

"Yes. The natives imagine the leaves are reaching out and beckoning to you. They call it by this name--Ventomarme. Name means in English, 'Come and take me.'"

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T...

1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a "t i t t l e".
The "~" is called a "t i l d e".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time. (Hence, multi-tasking was invented.)

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than you thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart .. "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail."

The Old Maid's Burglar

A story I'll tell of a burglar bold
Who started to rob a house;
He opened the window, and then crept in
As quiet as a mouse.

He looked around for a place to hide,
'Till the folks were all asleep,
Then said he, "With their money
I'll take a quiet sneak."

So under the bed the burglar crept;
He crept up close to the wall;
He didn't know it was an old maid's room
Or he wouldn't have had the gall.

He thought of the money that he would steal,
As under the bed he lay;
But at nine o'clock he saw a sight
That made his hair turn gray.

At nine o'clock the old maid came in;
"I am so tired," she said;
She thought that all was well that night
So she didn't look under the bed.

She took out her teeth and her big glass eye,
And the hair from off her head;
The burglar, he had forty fits
As he watched from under the bed.

From under the bed the burglar crept,
He was a total wreck;
The old maid wasn't asleep at all
And she grabbed him by the neck.

She didn't holler, or shout or call,
She was as cool as a clam;
She only said, "The Saints be praised,
At last I've got a man!"

From under the pillow a gun she drew,
And to the burglar she said,
"Young man, if you don't marry me,
I'll blow off the top of your head!"

She held him firmly by the neck,
He hadn't a chance to scoot;
He looked at the teeth and the big glass eye,
And said, "Madam, for Pete's sake, shoot!"

Message in a Bottle

by Trent Deerhorn, Deerhorn Shamanic Services

Click above to visit the website

Every once in awhile, no matter who you are, you will go through some life circumstances that irritate you, nag at you, and over which you will, at least temporarily, obsess. That is human nature. When something is not going well, we, as humans, tend to obsess about that something, trying our hardest to figure things out. We will lose sleep at night because of this obsession. We will even begin to experience health problems because of the stress that the situation is putting us through. So how do we get a break from it all, even if it cannot be immediately fixed? I have a few suggestions, some of which I may have mentioned in previous blogs, and some of which may be new to you, the reader. Here they are, not in any order of importance at all:

1. Take out a piece of paper and a pen. Map out your life in the form of a circle that is divided into wedges like a pie. Each piece is to represent areas of your life that you are attending to. The pieces do not have to be even. What I always suggest is to make the most important areas of life larger pieces than the less important ones. This helps to place our problems into perspective. What do we need to attend to and put more time into? Well, let’s see which are the larger pieces of our lives. You will usually find that the “issues” are actually more sliver-like than the other stuff is. This immediately helps us to realize where the issues stand in terms of importance. And if it is something that requires immediate attention, then simply attend to it and then that wedge can be dedicated to something else once it is fully resolved.

2. Take out another piece of paper and create a step-by-step plan for how to resolve the issue at hand. Make a timeline of what actions need to be taken and when. Put those dates and times and actions into your calendar and make sure to not get off track with it. A large percentage of a person’s stress and anxiety comes from not taking action when it is needed, procrastinating, and allowing things to fester and grow. Make a plan. Stick to the plan.

3. When it comes to things that are not in our realm of influence (there are a lot of those) such as a toxic neighbor, a boss that totally sucks but is in a position of power over us, a self-destructive family member, and so on, we need some self-maintenance things that allow us to “lay it down” for whatever period of time is appropriate. So, for example, if you can’t do anything to change someone else but their behavior is keeping you up at night, there are some things you can do that will allow you to at least get a good night’s sleep. One is to find a large feather (craft stores carry turkey feathers that are a good size for this) and, before going to bed, sweep your energy off with the feather. You do not need to touch your body. Simply sweep past your body, starting at the top and working your way down to the feet. Then blow across the feather in the direction of a window (does not have to be open) to clear off the feather. Go to bed and get some sleep. Repeat if necessary, because sometimes we wake up in the middle of the night and our minds will not turn off. So brush off again and then go back to sleep.

4. Another method is to use an empty bottle with a cork system. This one is my personal favorite. Uncork the bottle, blow your worries and concerns into it, and then cork the bottle. You may need to do a number of blows into the bottle, so if you do, be sure to place your thumb over the opening in between each blow, and then cork it when you are done. Place the bottle somewhere safe, like on a shelf or a countertop or a dresser. Then allow yourself to just slip nicely into sleep. In the morning, take the bottle outside and “pour” that energy out onto the ground. Sometimes I will leave the bottle open outside for 5 minutes or so to air out with the wind. When I bring it in, I will use an incense stick to smudge the inside and outside of the bottle. Then it is ready to go for that day or that evening when it is bedtime once again.

These are simple rituals and techniques that allow us to organize our minds and our emotions so that we do not have to carry the burden of the problems day in and day out. The rituals work. Give them a chance and you will find that they are quite the form of practical magic!

To subscribe or read Trent's blog with many more stories like the one above, visit Deerhorn Shamanic Services.

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

I've opened a restaurant called: "Peace And Quiet..."

Kids meals: Only $150. 

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM. 



An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards." 



Two friends arranged to meet at a store in the local mall. One never showed up, so the other went home. When they talked later that night, the second woman asked the first what had happened.

"It was terrible, "the first woman said. "I was on the escalator on my way to meet you, and it suddenly stopped running. I stood there for over an hour while they fixed it."

"You stood on the escalator for an hour while he fixed it?" the second friend asked

"Of course, what else would I do?"

"You dummy! Why didn't you sit down?" 

An antelope and a lion entered a diner and took a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, “I’ll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes.”

“And what would your friend have?”

“Nothing,” replied the antelope.

The waiter persisted, “Isn’t he hungry?”

“Hey, if he were hungry,” said the antelope, “would I be sitting here?”

Billy: Being a kid is tough. Parents hold mistakes over your head forever. This Friday I can’t go to the movies because I made a simple mistake a long time ago.

Bobby: What did you do?

Billy: I put the hose in my sister’s window and turned it on.

Bobby: That’s a pretty big mistake, when did you do that?

Billy: Wednesday.

 

Might wake up early and go running tomorrow.

I also might win the lottery.

Odds are about the same.

There where once two brothers called William and Wayne. Will was 12 years old and his little brother was 3. The neighbors noticed they always went around together, if William went down to the ballpark, his little brother would toddle along behind him, even if the game was a bit rough; and when Wayne went to play group, his elder brother would come too, and sit there with all the toddlers.

One neighbor thought this was really strange, so one day he leaned over the fence and asked the kid's mother why they were so inseparable even though they had nothing in common. Well, the mother replied, didn't you know: where there's a Will... there's a Wayne. 

Grandson: Why did the elephant where red sneakers?

Me: I don't know.

Grandson: So he could hide in the cherry tree. Did you ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?

Me: No.

Grandson: See, it works. 

During a job interview at the 99 Cents store, my son was asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My son’s reply: “At the Dollar Store.” He got the job.   

Paddy

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."



Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"



An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." Oh yeah?" said Charlie

"And how did this one end?" When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"

Beware the ATM!

 

Click above - This will open a window and you will have to allow the powerpoint to open (Or you can save it...) Then navigate either using your scroll wheel on your mouse or you can use your scrollbars if you do not have a wheel mouse...

Share and W-I-N!!

 

  Extended to June 1st! Enter now!

Yes, that's right... The Wizard of 'OZ' is having a 

"SHARE and WIN" contest! 

 

All you have to do is share a POST from 'OZ' that you like (any post, any date!) Take a screenshot of where you shared the post, such as facebook, Instagram, Twitter and more, as long as it it is by social media* and not just emailed to a person. Then email the screenshot to The_Wizard@othersideoz.ca - please put "$25 Gift Card Contest" in the subject. 

A random draw will be made for one $25.00 (twenty-five dollar) Gift Card of your choice (provided the gift card is available for purchase in Canada). Contest open to anyone 16 years old or older and a resident of Canada or The USA at the time of the random draw. 

 

The final winner will be declared on June 1st 2022 at 9PM (CST). The random drawing will be made by The Wizard of 'OZ' and the contest will be deemed to be over by 9PM (CST) on June 1st. 

 

Contest runs from April 1st to June 1st 2022. Winner will be notified by the same email as the entry was submitted with.

No purchase necessary.

*The fine print: Prize is in CDN dollars. The draw will be made June 1, 2022 by The Wizard of 'OZ', from all entries received up to and including June 1, 2022 at 9PM CST. There will be only one (1) winner chosen out of all entries received by the closing date and time. 1 gift card is available. The Wizard of 'OZ's decision will be final. Social media includes facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Blogger (or other web log page), Linked in. Contest available only in Canada and The United States of America. Odds of winning is dependent upon the number of entries received. Winner's name will be published on 'OZ' (last name can be withheld by request). In the event that no one enters the contest, The Wizard reserves the right to extend the contest to a point in the future that The Wizard decides.  Contest void where prohibited by law. The Wizard of 'OZ' and the blog 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow make no money from this contest nor from the blog as a whole. The purpose of this contest is to increase visitors to my blog. Again, I make no money from the blog and 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow is 100% Paid ad free.

Eagle's Nest

 

These awesome pictures were taken near Comox, BC, Canada. Unfortunately no one knows who the photographer was. This is something few humans will ever be privileged to see.

Saskatchewan Cruise Ship

 

Manitoban temperature conversion ;)

+15° C = Vancouverites try to turn on the heat. Manitobans plant gardens. 

+10° C = Victorians shiver uncontrollably. Winnipeggers sunbathe. 

+5° C = Italian cars won't start. Winnipeggers drive with the windows down. 

0° C = Distilled water freezes. Winnipeg's water gets thicker. 

-5° C = Torontonians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Manitobans throw on a T-shirt. 

-15° C = Quebecers begin to evacuate the province. Manitobans go swimming. 

-20° C = Toronto landlords finally turn up the heat. Manitobans have the last cook-out before it gets cold. 

-25° C = People in Vancouver cease to exist. Manitobans lick flagpoles. 

-30° C = Calgarians fly away to Mexico. Manitobans throw on a light jacket. 

-40° C = Hamilton disintegrates. Manitobans rent some videos. 

-50° C = Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Manitoban Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes Winnipeg until it gets cold enough. 

-60° C = Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Manitoba Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door-to-door. 

-80° C = Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Winnipeggers pull down their earflaps. 

-100° C = Ethyl alcohol freezes. Manitobans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg. 

-200° C = Microbial life survives on dairy products. Manitoba cows complain of farmers with cold hands. 

-300° C = ALL atomic motion stops. Manitobans start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?" 

TOO DUMB TO TRAVEL

Why some people should never be let out of the country... Actual comments from US travel agents: I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map." The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" " That's it!

PRE-SCHOOL TEST

Pre-school children were asked the following question:

"In which direction is the bus pictured below traveling?"



Look carefully at the picture.

Do you know the answer?

The only possible answers are "left" and "right."


Think about it



Still don't know?



Okay, I'll tell you.



The pre-schoolers all answered "left."

When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling in the left direction?" they answered:

"Because you can't see the door."



Feel pretty silly now, don't you?

I know .. me, too.

Duh?????? How stupid do you feel????????

Hymn #365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Smile, life is too short not to!! If this brightened your day, Don't let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile, Keep spreading the Cheer.

See you at the river!!

As Russia's invasion of Ukraine approaches its 3-month mark, here's what's happened in key areas

© Shutterstock

From CNN's Joshua Berlinger

It is nearly three months since Russia invaded Ukraine – a 12-week period in which Russian forces have wrought devastation on the country and its people, resulting in death on a vast scale and causing millions to flee.

But the invasion has not been the military success Moscow hoped, and is now deep into its second phase.

The bulk of fighting has moved to the east after failed Russian advances in central Ukraine. The Ukrainians are focusing on retaking some key areas closer to the Russian border, while Moscow is seeing its troops beaten back in a few key battles.

Western aid is also flowing into Ukraine, NATO is set to be strengthened as Nordic countries seek to join, and the first Russian soldier accused of war crimes has stood trial.

Here’s what has happened in several key areas since the war began.

Click here to read the articles at cnn.com

Flower Dogs - ( puppious flowerious)

Anti-Depressant