Three parrots down the chute...

 

Mother knows best

Dear Tide: 

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product! Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Bank Robbery

I don't know if it's true or not but it's good for a laugh! This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2,1999: 

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

Baby born with 28 year-old sperm

You Know your in SO-CAL* when...

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible. 

2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house. 

3. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.  

4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.   

5. You can't remember...is pot illegal? 

6. You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

8. You also know which Brentwood restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. A really great parking space can move you to tears. 

10. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast. 

11. Gas cost 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 

12. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice. 

13. A woman gets on the bus with live poultry. You don't even notice.  

14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney. 

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 

16. The gym is packed at 3 pm ....on a work day. 

17. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag. 

18. It's sprinkling and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 99". 

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class. 

20. Your paperboy has a two-picture deal. 

21. The three hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn't caused by a horrific nine-car Freeway pileup, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder. 

22. The weatherman talks about the weather in other parts of the country, as if we really care. 

23. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers. 

24. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour or two early to avoid all the weather-related accidents. 

25. You AND your dog have therapists. 

*Southern California

A BLOND CALLS 911 ......

on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cries. 

The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." 

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard," he says. "She got in the back seat by mistake."

Games for dumb blondes of either sex

 

Never tickle the Pillsbury Dough-Boy...

Click above, either works

Recently Unearthed E-Mail Reveals What Life Was Like In 1995

KNOXVILLE, TN—A 1995 e-mail extracted from the hard drive of a recently unearthed Compaq desktop PC offers a tantalizing glimpse into the day-to-day life of a primitive Internet society, said the archaeologists responsible for its discovery. 

"We're very excited by this find, because only by understanding our e-mail past can we hope to understand our e-mail present and future," said Northwestern University archaeology professor Lane Caspari, who has been leading the dig through the equipment storage area of a Knoxville-area credit union since late April, on Tuesday. 

"The discovery also sheds new light on the 1990s—an era we know very little about." Written by a "scully666@compuserve.com" and addressed to a "makincopeez@prodigy.net," the writer expresses the ancient equivalent of boredom, asks the receiver about his or her status in their primeval office environment, then refers to the act of sending the e-mail itself. 

"Nothing going on," begins the e-mail. "What's up with you? Are you going to Mike's b-day thing on Friday? I'm thinking about it. I might go, but I'm not sure yet." The e-mail continues, "Let me know if you get this e-mail twice. I'm still trying to learn the system. I think the managers know when we're on the Net, so I'll stay away from the web surfing and check my e-mail only once a day." 

The e-mail is signed only "K." It contains no subject line. "It shows that these forgotten people of the '90s had many of the same concerns as modern man, such as b-days, and slow periods at work," Caspari said. "The presence of the archaic slang verbalization 'what's up' appears to indicate that they cared about the immediate welfare of others in their closely knit community, much as we do today."

Daffy-Nitions

 

Click above for some Daffy-Nitions.

Web Banners you will never see...

 

Proof of Global Warming...

Need a pin? The Wizard has one for everything!

 

Language Warning!

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

 

A farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor’s, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Jeffrey? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Jeffrey getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Jeffrey." 

Did you hear about the brawl at the post office?

The stamps got licked by the postmaster. 



A man tells his doctor that his wife has laryngitis.

The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it.

The man said, "Cure it, I want to prolong it!"   



Three unwritten Rules for Life:

1._______________________________

2. _______________________________

3.________________________________ 

My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker.

Then I realized she just wanted to do laundry.

So I folded.

 

Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?

It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!  

Somebody told me that echoes repeat everything back...

Where have I heard that before? 

I went to the doctor to see if he can help me to stop smoking .

He suggested that every time I felt like smoking I should reach for a chocolate bar.

It didn't work, because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the chocolate bar to light. 

Mo: What were the best sporting events you’ve ever attended?

Joe: Well, years ago I went to an Indiana-Michigan basketball game. Indiana was coached by the iconic Bobby Knight.

Mo: Wow!

Joe: And recently, I went to an Ohio State-Michigan football game. Ohio State was coached by the up-and-coming Ryan Day.

Mo: Wow again! What were those games like?

Joe: They were like Knight and Day! 

A southern grandmother went with the family to visit Niagara falls.

She decided to order ten hot dogs from the restaurant for the extended family.

When her number was called she was given tea and a hot dog.

She told the lady that she had ordered ten hot dogs.

The lady said, that's what we gave you, tea and a hot dog.  

I never actually lose weight anymore.

Apparently, I just loan it out and it comes back with interest.

And lately, I have been getting great rates of return!

Why does it feel "good" to hurt your gums and teeth?

Found on the Internet: Right now I'm idly sticking a toothpick between two of my molars, really jamming it in there so it squeezes against the gums and the flesh between the teeth. It hurts, but it's also quite pleasurable. I know I'm not alone in this either - other people have said they feel the same way.

When I was a kid and I'd get a loose tooth, I'd just keep wiggling and wiggling it until eventually it came out. Because I liked the sensation of it. It's hard to put into words. It's definitely pain. But I wouldn't just prick my arm with a toothpick for no reason. I don't get any pleasure out of that whatsoever, nor on any other part of my body. But for some reason, poking my gums with sharp objects makes me feel good.

Why is this?

And it's not so much the outer areas of the gums - it's really just the parts of the gums that are right between or around the teeth.


The Wizard's best guess: I would think it's similar to the endorphin release that some folks who are cutters, (I admit I am a cutter - though haven't cut in a long while), who deliberately cause pain to release endorphins, causing pleasure. For me it was because that was ALL I could feel, without the pain, I felt nothing. This is not uncommon for bi-polar folks like me... So, generally, on those people whose gums have receded, exposing more of the inside of the gum to the acids in the mouth, results in swollen gums. These then in turn hurt when massaged or poked with a toothpick, for example, creating pain, which then releases endorphins, to mask the pain. Kind of like your own built in pain killer. This also may happen when you get your teeth cleaned.

Well that's my 2 cents. Have a different opinion? Make a comment!

One WILD Bug!

 

The Extraordinary Volkswagen Bug Decorated with over 2 Million Glass Beads

Tijana Radeska, Vintage news

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0

Ever seen a Volkswagen bug with beads? One of the most iconic cars of all time, The Volkswagen Beetle first rolled out of the factory in 1938 and has since become a symbol of different alternative cultures and movements all over the world. When production ended in 2003, over 21 million units had been built.

The manufacture of the Beetle was ordered by Adolf Hitler with the intention of designing a car affordable for everyone. As such, the popular Bug has been loved by millions of people.

The first one was designed by Ferdinand Porsche, while the last Beetle car was produced in Mexico in 2003, and delivered directly to the VW museum in Wolfsburg, Germany.

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0

Photo Credit: Museo de Arte Popular CC BY 3.0