A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You
may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper
may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to
the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor
6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid
gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just
across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Welcome to 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow!! Some posts may be seen as offensive. Posting is at 10AM, Noon and 2PM CST daily. Up to 6 days of posts on the main page. The archives have more. You can forward posts by clicking on the envelope at the bottom of the post. Enjoy your stay! *** If you need to contact me, or have a copyright issue, please use the "Contact The Wizard" form on the left side of 'OZ'. Original source and author is cited and credited in each post where possible. ***
***Disclaimer***
Wednesday, March 03, 2021
Husband Store
TRUE or FALSE?
Andrew
Jackson was plagued his entire life by a bullet wound to the chest,
which he suffered in a duel. In 1805, Charles Dickenson, the son-in-law
of a man who owed Jackson a horse-race gambling debt, called Jackson “a
worthless scoundrel . . . and a coward” in a Nashville, Tennessee,
newspaper. Jackson challenged Dickenson to a duel. 
On
May 30, 1806, Dickenson fired the first shot. The bullet broke two of
Jackson’s ribs and lodged near his heart. As was the dueling custom,
Dickenson could neither fire again nor move from his position until
Jackson fired as well. Jackson took aim and fired a fatal shot from 24
paces. But his inoperable wound never healed properly and bothered him
for the next 39 years.
The Love Doctor
Dear Love Doctor,
This may sound pretty petty, but it has me very worried. My better half wants us to go on separate vacations this winter.
He says it would help us "charge our batteries" and he says it would be
good for our relationship. We've been together about three years now
and I've never thought there was anything wrong with our partnership.
"Paul" has already made reservations to go to a gay resort down south
next month. He did it without even mentioning it to me beforehand.
"Paul" says he's going with some friends from work, and says I should
make my own plans and go somewhere I'd like.
He won't tell me the names of the people he's traveling with, and I'm getting suspicious.
"Paul" has always been headstrong, but really Doc, doesn't this sound just a bit fishy?
Signed,
Home Alone
Dear Home
I think you are right hearing those bells and whistles going off in your
head. The tip off, of course, was not saying who he is going with.
But, suspicions aren't proof. And, it is obvious this is going to keep
bothering you. So, it is time to bring the whole thing to a boil.
If you don't want separate holidays tell him so. Put your foot down and
tell him why. If it turns out he is having a fling you will have to
deal with that. Either you put up with it, or you will have to consider
ending the relationship.
A partnership is just what the name implies, two equal parts.
Don't put up with less than you are prepared to give.
The Love Doctor
Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners
Why do bees stay in their beehives all through the winter?
Swarm.
Mrs. Goldberg was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?"
"Two for a dollar," answered the vendor.
"How much is just one?" she asked.
"Sixty cents," answered the vendor.
"Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Goldberg.
A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.
One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does you father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids - it's three bucks a pound!'"
"Wise men are always in doubt. Only idiots are sure of their case."
"Are you sure of that?"
"Yes, absolutely."
Housewife: "For what?"
Salesman: "For ants."
Housewife: "No. If I give powder today, they will ask for lipstick tomorrow."
To remind himself he needed cold cuts!
An Epic Journey
A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; subsequently the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.
In simple English what does this translate to??
Jack and Jill went up the hill...
Tuesday, March 02, 2021
R.I.P. Bunny Wailer (1947 - 2021)
Bunny Wailer, a reggae luminary who was the last surviving member of the legendary group The Wailers, has died. He was 73.
The musician passed away in his native Jamaica, according to his manager.
Neville O'Riley Livingston, OM**, best known as Bunny Wailer, was a Jamaican singer songwriter and percussionist and was an original member of reggae group The Wailers along with Bob Marley and Peter Tosh. A three-time Grammy award winner, he is considered one of the longtime standard-bearers of reggae music. He is also known as Bunny Livingston and affectionately Jah B.
** OM - The Order of Merit is part of the Jamaican honours system, and it is the fourth-highest honour awarded by the nation of Jamaica. The Order of Merit is conferred upon Jamaicans or distinguished citizens of other countries who have achieved eminent international distinction in the field of science, the arts, literature or any other endeavour. The award can be held by no more than 15 living persons. It is not given to more than two people in any one year
THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2021
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead.! "
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2021
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Free Test
Stare into the cat's
NOW PLEASE SCROLL DOWN
THANK YOU
YOUR CAT SCAN IS NOW COMPLETE.
That'll be $1500.00 please!
12 Reasons to Smile!
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Lipstick in School -- Priceless
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
World's Easiest Quiz
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? To check your answers click here.
Monday, March 01, 2021
The Flight Attendant
A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you - Tray-up, bitch."
The Cork Soakers
Giuseppe.....Horatio Sanz
Marcello.....Jimmy Fallon
Female Tourist.....Janet Jackson
Male Tourist.....Chris Parnell
Luigi.....Fred Armisen
Cork Soaker #1.....Seth Meyers
Cork Soaker #2.....Darrell Hammond
Monica.....Maya Rudolph
Carmella.....Rachel Dratch
[ open on footage of wine country ]
[ dissolve to interior, corking room, as Giuseppe enters with tour group]
Giuseppe: Right this way, folks. You're now entering.. the
corking room. This is where.. the final step in the bottling process
happens - where we prepare all the corks for all the bottles of Brunello
that you saw earlier.
Marcello: Any questions? [ a hand is raised ] Yes?
Female Tourist: I've always actually wondered about that. How do you cork the bottles?
Marcello: Excellent-a question, ma bella. As you can see, we are
-asoaking all of the corks in this room right now. These three guys
right here are some of the most talented cork soakers! Say hello, you
all cork soakers!
[ the three cork soakers turn around and wave happily to the tour group ]
Male Tourist: Now, I'm curious - how does one become a cork soaker.
Giuseppe: As we-a like-a to say, "Cork soakers are born, not made."
Marcello: Yeah. Luigi here was simply born to soak cork! Come say hi, Luigi!
Luigi: I love-a soaking the cork! I could-a soak the cork all night long, if they let me! I want to-a soak two corks at once!
Female Tourist: So.. are all corks the same?
Marcello: No, no, no..
Cork Soaker #1: I like-a to soak the big-a, thick-a corks!
Luigi: I like-a the long-a, skinny ones.
Cork Soaker #2: I like-a the dark-a ones.
Giuseppe: The great-a thing about the cork soaking, is that while
you are-a soaking the cork, you can also.. massage-a the grapes, until
the cork is ready. [ holds up a bunch of grapes ]
Marcello: That's right.
Female Tourist: [ stumbling, on the verge of cracking up ] So, how did you learn to sork.. corks -- suck -- soak corks?
Marcello: You know, I'll never forget the first time I soaked-a cork. I was fifteen, in-a summer camp.
Female Tourist: You know, I've noticed that all the cork soakers are men. Do women make good soakers?
Giuseppe: Oh, yes! Yes! Monica, Carmella - come in here!
Marcello: Come in here.
[ Monica and Carmella enter scene ]
Giuseppe: Monica.. tell-a these-a nice-a people.. how you soak the cork.
Monica: Well, ever since I started soaking cork, I'm the most popular girl in school!
Marcello: It's-a true - men come-a from all over just to watch
her soak a cork. And Grandma Carmella still-a soaking cork at age 87! I
got to say that, too!
Carmella: [ speaking with her gums ] It's crazy! Ever since I lost my teeth, people tell me I soak the cork better than ever!
Female Tourist: Wow, this soaking corks really seems like a
family business. So.. does your wife like soaking.. [ laughing ]
..s-s-soaking cork?
Marcello: Well.. she used to, when we were dating. Now, not so much.
Male Tourist: Um.. could you teach me how to soak cork?
Giuseppe: You know.. when-a you walked in here.. I could-a sworn you already an expert cork soaker!
Male Tourist: [ flattered ] Thank you! I dabbled in college. Um.. but, let me ask you this - do you ever run out of corks to soak?
Marcello: Oh, yeah, I'll never forget this one that was unusually large. And I thought Giuseppe would need extra cork.
Giuseppe: And I thought Marcello would need more corks.
Marcello: So we soaked-a each other's corks at the same time! [ to Giuseppe ] Do you remember that?
Giuseppe: Can you imagine that? Me-a soaking his cork.. while-a he soaked mine?
Marcello: Oh, boy!
Giuseppe: What year was that?
Marcello: The year we soaked each other's corks?
Giuseppe: Yes.
Marcello: That-a was, what.. that was like, sixty.. late 60's, right?
Giuseppe: Yes.
Marcello: Sixty.. eight?
Giuseppe: I-a wanted to say.. 70.
Marcello: No.. you sure it wasn't one earlier than that?
Giuseppe: It was sometime or other..
Marcello: Let's just say between 68 and 70, alright?
Female Tourist: This is all really so fascinating. So, do you
think that one of you could teach me how to soak.. soak.. [ laughing ]
..s-s-soak corks?
[ the cork soakers cheer excitedly, each rallying to be the one to teach the beautfiul tourist the art of their craft ]
Giuseppe: Oh, I'm sorry. Come with me, ma bella. I will let you soak-a my cork as long as you like!
[ they depart from the group ]
Marcello: Cheers! Cheers!
[ fade out ]
Children's Science Exam Answers
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A:The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Reflections from the Shaman's Hut
By Trent Deerhorn, Deerhorn Shamanic Services
The Other Side of Self-Care
Self-care also has to do with doing the most difficult things to ensure you are alright way down the road from the present moment. Here are some examples of that:
1. Disappointing others is a part of self-care. Often we think of this as a negative aspect of our character. But truly, if we care for ourselves, we will be more than willing to disappoint someone else who expects us to be doing something for them, rather than something for just ourselves.
2. Often self-care comes in the form of doing something that you would rather not be doing in the present moment in order to ensure your future. Some of this can include things like financial investments, or studying for a course you are taking rather than partying with friends.
3. Healthy boundaries are established. This will sometimes scare people away from you. Let those people go. And definitely let the people who try to challenge your boundaries go. Those are people who have been benefiting from you not having healthy boundaries. Some of themwill get quite upset about the establishment of boundaries. Hold your ground. This also applies to people with whom you have been intimate in the past. You are not required to hug or kiss anyone at any time, just because of social convention or nostalgia. We also need to stop forcing our children to hug or kiss our relatives if they really don't want to. Forcing them establishes a message that their personal boundaries are of no concern to those who are supposed to love them and protect them. In addition to this, there is often an expectation among spiritual communities that greeting people with a hug is by far better than shaking a hand or bowing in Namaste to them. This is hogwash. Personal boundaries apply, even in spiritual settings.
4. Often care-givers end up neglecting themselves in order to be there for and take care of someone else. But the thing is that you don't owe anyone anything. Not your time, not a quick returned text back, or emotional support when you are the one who needs the support at the moment.
5. Caring for someone else when you are neglecting yourself in order to do so is often portrayed to us as an act of love and self-sacrifice. But the truth is that if you are caring for someone else and you are already running on fumes, then the "care" you are giving them will soon turn into resentment.
6. Often you will have to let go of relationships, habits, and life choices that, albeit familiar, are no longer serving your greater good. Let them go. This is called "transition" and it will do you well to make that transition sooner than later so that you can become the person you are developing into.
7. Self-care also looks like being brutally honest with yourself, especially when the truth is hard to admit. That may look like asking for help with some struggles you are having, or even admitting that you have a problem with addiction or co-dependence. Sometimes the truth sucks. But the truth cannot stay hidden long. There is a saying that there are three things that will never stay hidden for very long...the sun, the moon and the truth.
8. Know that if it is the hardest thing that you have ever done, that is when you most need to do it. This is what being committed to your personal well-being looks like. No matter how hard it is, however, it will always be much better that you did whatever it is you need to do than if you had not.
For more articles from the Shaman's Hut, visit Trent's blog at www.deerhornshamanic.com
What were YOU thinking?
I was scared at first.
It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.
*Now I ride on escalators all the time.*
I took my fingers and slowly,
gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once, twice...
I found I couldn't stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder.
I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth!
All sweet and creamy.
I was done.
*And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies*
It was laying limp in my hand.
It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers
until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands,
and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard
and began gushing out of the tip.
*Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.*
I knew it could be done.
I wanted to try
but I didn't know if I could do it.
I called my friend.
He said he knew how to do it
and would teach me.
He put his arms around me and started.
I watched nervously in the mirror.
He finally finished and pulled back slowly.
I felt relieved that it was over.
*I hate neckties.*
It looked warm and dark,
and juicy and inviting.
I wasn't sure just what
I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart
with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be
if I just started eating it.
*But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.*
Sunday, February 28, 2021
Later...
Barely arrived on Monday and it's already Friday.
... and the month is already over.
... and the year is almost over.
... and already 40, 50 or 60 years of our lives have passed.
... and we realize that we lost our parents, friends.
and we realize it's too late to go back…
So... Let's try, despite everything, to enjoy the remaining time...
Let's keep looking for activities that we like...
Let's put some color in our grey...
Let's smile at the little things in life that put balm in our hearts.
And despite everything, we must continue to enjoy with serenity this time we have left. Let's try to eliminate the afters...
I'm doing it after...
I'll say after...
I'll think about it after...
We leave everything for later like ′′ after ′′ is ours.
Because what we don't understand is that:
Afterwards, the coffee gets cold...
Afterwards, priorities change...
Afterwards, the charm is broken...
Afterwards, health passes...
Afterwards, the kids grow up...
Afterwards parents get old...
Afterwards, promises are forgotten...
Afterwards, the day becomes the night...
Afterwards life ends...
And then it's often too late....
So... Let's leave nothing for later...
Because still waiting to see you later, we can lose the best moments,
the best experiences,
best friends,
the best family...
The day is today... The moment is now...
We are no longer at the age where we can afford to postpone what needs to be done right away.
So let's see if you have time to read this message and then share it.
Or maybe you'll leave it for... ′′ later "...
And you'll never share it....
Saturday, February 27, 2021
This is creepy!
Think of a letter between A and W. . . . . . . .
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. . . . . . . .
Keep going . . .
Don't stop . . .. . . . . . . . .
Think of an animal that begins with that letter. . . . . . . . .
Repeat it out loud as you scroll down. . . . . . . . .
Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name . . . . . . . .
Almost there........ . . . . . . . .
Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down. . . . . . . .
Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level . . . . . . .
Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand . . . .
Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name? . . . . . . . .
Of course they f*ckin dont.......
. . . Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid computer games!
Ah-nold
