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Monday, September 16, 2019

Fainting Goats

Disturbing Auctions

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Kids say the darndest things...

Kids Say The Darndest Things...
Enjoy the answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:

Why Did God make Mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How Did God Make Mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What Ingredients Are Mother's Made Of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.

Why Did God Give You Your Mother And not Some Other Mom?

1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What Kind Of Little Girl Was Your Mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff...
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What Did Mom Need To Know About Dad Before She Married Him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Like does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why Did Your Mom Marry Your Dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's The Boss At Your House?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's The Difference Between Moms And Dads?

1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What Does Your Mom Do In Her Spare Time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What Would It Take To Make Your Mom Perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If You Could Change One Thing About Your Mom What Would It Be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

Riddle Me This!

I have a tail, and I have a head, but i have no body. I am NOT a snake. What am I?


Riddle me this! -Answer. A Quarter.

Click on the Riddler for the answer!

21 Favorite Foods** That You'll Never See On Any Restaurant Menu

21 Favorite Foods** That You'll Never See On Any Restaurant Menu

(All highly recommended... and with only minimal health risks.)

Prairie Dog Rapture1. Sautéed Guadalupe Fur Seal grilled to perfection in a Musk-Ox Oil

2. Boneless Marinated Numbfish simmered in an Endospore Swill

3. Stir-Fried Screech Owl

4. Steamed Mud Eel Wedges wrapped in Untanned Rawhide

5. Caramelized Neck of Whooping Crane

6. Barbecued Pygmy Hippo Riblets

7. Breaded Filet-o-Bottle-Nosed Dolphin seasoned in a Salt Marsh Brine Broth

8. Batter-Dipped Segmented Earthworms

9. Char-Grilled Pandaburger with a side order of Cartilage Chips and Pond Scum Slaw

10. Crispy Bollweevil Skins served with a liquefied Elm Bark Beetle Dipping Sauce

11. Smoked Tenderloin Mule Shank in a tangy Cactus Gravy

12. Boiled Camel Hump... a la mode

13. Stewed Dorsal Fin garnished with Shedded Scales

14. Minced Otter Pelt over a bed of mashed, fleshy Tuberous Root

15. Glazed Walrus Blubber Loaf

16. Kentucky Fried Pigeon

17. Creamed Gastropod Surprise

18. Poached Bald Eaglet Yoke-Sac sprinkled with Ragwort and topped with a zesty Duckweed Dressing

19. Extra-Chewy Tadpole Taffy

20. Prairie Dog-kabob

21. Fermented Chum Shake

*Laughing Gas
** Not MY favourite foods!

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners


A guy drove to the beach and parked his car close to the water's edge - not realizing it was Low Tide - then he went for a long hike up into the mountains. During his excursion, High Tide came and then receded - completely submersing his car for a period of time in the process. When he finally returned to his car - he became very concerned when he found out that he had Tuna in his Mercury!

HYUK!

A teacher in a political science class asked the students, "Who is the most powerful person in the US?"

A student answered, "The First Pet?"

The teacher then asked, "Why?"

The student explained, "Because, the president kneels before him, talks to him, listens to him, follows him, prefers him to office staff, looks after his wellbeing before the voters', cancels/defers official duties in favor of him, and boards Airforce One first."

HYUK!

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

HYUK!

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."

HYUK!

Notice on the bulletin board at the wrestling arena: “There will be a rehearsal for tonight’s bout.”

HYUK!

An example of the new America: A brother and sister were driving to a couple stores and the conversation of buying things they needed came up. As they were talking, the sister mentioned that she needed to get a new car. The brother said, “Well, you have a college degree now, so you can go get the job that pays you more." The sister, who made between 10 and 11 dollars an hour said, “I already got the job that my college degree will get me. Now what?”

clapping

Sunday, September 15, 2019

Fairy Tale

One day, long, long ago there was this man who surprisingly, was not full of shit........

Lady in a chair

But this was a long time ago..... and it was just ONE day!

The End

What's wrong with this picture?

Family adventure vacation

Seat of Power: the computer workstation for the person with everything


Emperor 1510 LX


Science fiction is filled with cherished seats of power, workstations that put the universe a finger-touch or a mere thought away. Darth Vader had his meditation pod, the Engineers of Prometheus had their womb-like control stations, and Captain Kirk has the Captain's Chair. But no real-life workstation has quite measured up to these fictional seats of power in the way that Martin Carpentier's Emperor workstations have.

The latest "modern working environment" from Carpentier's Quebec City-based MWE Lab is the Emperor 1510 LX. With a retractable monitor stand that can support up to five monitors (three 27-inch and two 19-inch), a reclining seat with thigh rest, a Bose sound system, and Italian leather upholstery, the Emperor 1510 LX looks more like a futuristic vehicle than a workstation. And it's priced like a vehicle, too—it can soon be yours for the low, low price of $21,500.

--more--

What were you thinking??


I was scared at first.
It was very wide,
and very long,
and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down,
and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.


*Now I ride on escalators all the time.*

I took my fingers and slowly,
gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once, twice...
I found I couldn't stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder.
I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth!
All sweet and creamy.
I was done.


*And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies*


It was laying limp in my hand.
It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers
until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands,
and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard
and began gushing out of the tip.


*Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.*


I knew it could be done.
I wanted to try
but I didn't know if I could do it.
I called my friend.
He said he knew how to do it
and would teach me.
He put his arms around me and started.
I watched nervously in the mirror.
He finally finished and pulled back slowly.
I felt relieved that it was over.


*I hate neckties.*

It looked warm and dark,
and juicy and inviting.
I wasn't sure just what
I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart
with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be
if I just started eating it.


*But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.*

MORAL?

It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.

Ink-Blot Test Wallpaper

Ink Blot Test Wallpaper - Click here.
Click above to get free wallpaper!

Molecules with Silly or Unusual Names

Molecules with Silly or Unusual NamesTruly Silly AND Unusual!



Click here.

Saturday, September 14, 2019

Bipolar...

I hate being bi-polar. It's AWESOME!
Tru Dat!

Two ODD gifs..

animated pee


face in a face in a face...

YOU LOST!!!!!


Soggy Cookie - you LOST!
Yo, dude, we played soggy cookie last night and I won! I feel bad for Jimmy, though. He lost. I think he's in therapy right now. In case you din't 'get it'... 

What if, indeed!!

werewolves vs homosexuals

T.V. Trivia - Triple Tube!


TV Trivia

TV MYTHS AND LEGENDS


MYTH: Charles Manson auditioned for The Monkees.
TRUTH: Before he became a murderer, Manson was an unsuccessful rock musician. (Music producer Terry Melcher declined to sign him, and Manson may have had actress Sharon Tate killed because he was looking for Melcher—Tate was renting a house that Melcher had once lived in.) Public knowledge about Manson’s rock connections (he was also acquainted with Beach Boy Dennis Wilson) led to the urban legend that he’d auditioned for the Monkees in 1965. But he couldn’t have—in 1965, he was serving a jail sentence for forgery. However, among the future famous musicians who did try out for the Monkees: Stephen Stills, Harry Nilsson, and Paul Williams.
Worldwide, there are 40 different versions of Big Brother, the most of any reality show.

TV Trivia

COME ON DOWN!


 * When The Price Is Right debuted on American television in 1956 on NBC, in prime-time and daytime versions, both were hosted by former radio announcer Bill Cullen. The show went off the air in 1965, but CBS revived it for its daytime schedule in 1972, bringing in former Truth or Consequences host Bob Barker and it was a hit again. It’s been on the air ever since.
  * As of the 7,000th episode, taped in November 2009, $250 million in prizes had been given out to nearly 62,000 contestants. The phrase “A new car!” had been shouted over 15,000 times; 7,000 contestants had actually managed to win one.
Highest possible cash prize playing “Plinko” on The Price Is Right: $50,000. No one has won it.

TV Trivia

CASTING CALL

In 2001, Comedy Central aired a sitcom called That’s My Bush!, a parody of cheesy 1970s and ’80s sitcoms centered on a dumb but lovable President George W. Bush. Character actor Timothy Bottoms, a dead ringer for the president, starred. The show wasn’t very successful (it ran for only 13 episodes), but in 2003 Bottoms returned to television … in a dramatic portrayal of President Bush in DC 9/11, the first made-for-TV movie about the events of 9/11.

Jack Benny once appeared on The $64,000 Question. He won $64.

September Changes

September Changes


The Wizard's Feet


September is like no other
It's days change color and weather
No other month can say quite the same
For every day, I can feel the change

It's cool breezes start out warm,
Changing to cold throughout every storm
The leaves change and fall
As the Summer leaves and Autumn kisses us all

September maidens feel the change
Like the blue of the sky
Yet the color so deep
Unbelievable beauty

Maidens fall throughout and watch
Each raindropp changing through colors so fast
Yet one streak remains the same
Of that wonderful sapphire rain.

September, unlike any other
Holds you tight, in any weather.
Changes come, no matter where you go

North and you'll get stormy snow
South and feel the heat of summer coming
September does this, no matter what.
Change lives within, Nothing to stop

September is beautiful
And awesome all the same
It's hope for the future and the change
Comes swiftly as we sweep away

The Summer ends and the Autumn begins
Change is all around
With one maiden leaving
And yet, another comes

Born into the world
Of wonderful September
The sapphire skies live on
Through out this wonderful September

by Jessica Millsaps

Friday, September 13, 2019

Wise Words

Be Wise

Be Wise!Ways of Life

1. If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.

2. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.

3. Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

4. The best vitamin for making friends....B1.

5. The 10 commandments are not multiple choices.

6. The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.

7. Minds are like parachutes...they function only when open.

8. Ideas won't work unless YOU do.

9. One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.

10. One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.

11. The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.

12. Don't learn safety rules by accident.

13. We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.

14. Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.

15. A turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out.

16. One thing you can give and still keep ...is your word.

17. A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.

18. The pursuit of happiness is: the chase of a lifetime!

Be Wise!
Master "Patience"

Patience is a hard thing to learn but when you master it; a whole new and wonderful world is opened to you.

Be Wise!Overly Strict Standards

Just remember, in a one size fits all world; you will see very few well-dressed people.

Be Wise!Back Pain

Remember our mothers - “Always sit up straight,” right? Well, a recent study by Scottish researchers shows it’s one of the worst things you can do for your back. They found that sitting at a 90-degree angle puts pressure on your lower back. In fact, the pressure is strong enough to squeeze fluid out of the discs that cushion your vertebrae.

So what is the best way to sit? According to research, you should adjust you chair height until your hips are 3 to 4 inches higher than your knees. Then you should recline slightly so your back is at a 135-degree angle to your thighs. You can put a small pillow behind your lower back for added support

Be Wise!Life is like this

Learn the wisdom of compromise for it is better to bent a little than to break.

Be Wise!Wisdom....

In your greatness, remain humble!

Only Gay Eskimo :)



Please report broken video links to me by clicking on the picture of The Wizard at the top left of 'OZ', Thanks!

After Star Trek

after Star Trek

Weird Tales From Around The World


A first division football match in Moldova was called off after a disputed penalty. The chairman of one of the teams drove his car on the pitch and tried to mow down the referee.

Police received a tip that $70,000 stolen from a casino in Louisiana had been thrown in a river and found notes woven into a beaver's dam. They were undamaged.

A man who lost £200 in a fruit machine at a Rochdale motorway service station tried to get his money back by burning a hole in the machine. The ensuing blaze caused £7 million of damage.

The last native speaker of Nushu, a 400-year-old language, has died in southern China. The language was spoken only by women.

An Iranian wife asked a court to restrict her husband to beating her only once a week instead of every day. She said she loved him; he said "If I don't beat her she will not be scared enough to obey me."

The M61 motorway in Lancashire was blocked after a four-car pile-up. All the cars were driven by police officers on a training exercise.

The Association of Burial Authorities has launched a competition seeking ideas on how to stop cemeteries being dull.

A spinster from Edinburgh, who died aged 95, left several charities £30,000 each. She chose organisations whose collectors said "Thank you" when she dropped coins in their boxes.

A man shooting a litter of puppies in Florida had to be taken to hospital. One of his intended victims kicked the gun's trigger and shot him in the arm.

At the Sydney Olympic Games extra shipments of condoms had to be sent to the competitors' village as supplies ran out. This year in Greece the British team has asked for more Weetabix.

A boy of 15 months who went into a coma after getting his head stuck in a bucket of water had his life-support machine switched off at a hospital in Cambridge. Seconds later he coughed and started breathing unaided.

A car dealer in Berlin let a couple test drive the new BMW 5. They drove it 4,000 miles to Spain and back.

Armed robbers fled empty-handed from a warehouse raid near Coventry. They filled bags so ful lof coins they couldn't lift them.

An operator handling emergency telephone calls in Maryland, US, fell asleep while taking report of a burglary. A tape of the call recorded the operator snoring.

Women over 60 at Black Sea resorts in Romania are being told not to sunbathe topless. Police said it was "ugly" and likely to deter tourists.

Artist Tom Bloor spent nine hours pasting pop-art wallpaper over a walkway in Birmingham. Then the council which had awarded more than £2.1 million to promote inner-city culture mistook it for fly-posting and stripped it all off.

A railway signalman in Essen, Grmany, trapped for hours in his office by a Staffordshire terrier, has claimed overtime for his ordeal.

A German woman furious after a row with her husband decided to smash up his car. After doing £650 worth of damage, it became clear that she had attacked her nighbour's Opel Corsa. Her husband drives a Ford Fiesta.

A burglar was caught in San Francisco after his 73-year-old victim insisted on showing him her family photo album. He was so bored he fell asleep and she called the police.

A police superintendent in Kent, UK, was called away from giving a lecture on crime prevention to comfort his distressed wife. She had returned home to find they had been burgled.

Prince Abdullah of Jordan, the uncle of King Abdullah II, attended the state funeral of Ronald Reagan in Washington. He returned home to Amman with 14 Domino pizzas.

A villager in Tanzania killed a lion that had earlier killed his wife. He left the remains of her body near the lion's den laced with poison.

A detective detained for drink driving is suing his own South Yorkshire police force for £100,000. He claims that the officers who arrested him beat him up.

A dog in Florida has had liposuction. The chihuahua named Pumpkin had three quarters of a pound of fat removed from her hips.

--more--

*Huddersfield One

If toddlers used facebook


If toddlers used facebook
Click above to read it!

30 Sex Facts You Never Knew


Let's start with some animal magic. In 2003, a pair of male penguins in the Central Park Zoo, who had been a ‘couple’ for years, raised a baby penguin together. How much are we loving that...

Gay Penguins - click here to see more!
Click here to goto Enkerelations.com

The 411 - Friday The 13th

Friday The 13th
A Friday occurring on the 13th day of any month is considered to be a day of bad luck in English, German, Polish and Portuguese-speaking cultures around the globe. Similar superstitions exist in some other traditions. In Greece or Spain, for example, Tuesday the 13th takes the same role. The fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia (a word that is derived from the concatenation of the Greek words Παρασκευή, δεκατρείς, and φοβία, meaning Friday, thirteen, and phobia respectively; alternate spellings include:

paraskevodekatriaphobia or paraskevidekatriaphobia or friggatriskaidekaphobia, and is a specialized form of triskaidekaphobia, a phobia (fear) of the number thirteen.


Before the 19th century, though the number 13 was considered unlucky, and Friday was considered unlucky, there was no link between them. The first documented mention of a "Friday the 13th" is generally listed as occurring in the early 1900s.

However, documentation aside, many popular stories exist about the origin of the concept:

The Last Supper, with stories that Judas was the thirteenth guest, and that the Crucifixion of Jesus occurred Friday.
That the biblical Eve offered the fruit to Adam on a Friday, and that the slaying of Abel happened on a Friday (though the Bible does not identify the days of the week when these events occurred).
That it started on Friday, October 13, 1307, the date that many Knights Templar were simultaneously arrested in France, by agents of King Philip IV.
However, historically, there is no true date that the Friday the 13th superstition can be linked to.

In the case of Greece, Tuesday, April 13, 1204 was the date that Constantinople was Friday The 13thsacked by the crusaders of the fourth crusade. The first ever fall of the then richest Christian city, and the looting that followed, allegedly gave Tuesday 13 its bad meaning. Ironically enough, Constantinople fell for the second time in its history on Tuesday, May 29, 1453, to the Ottoman Turks, a date that puts an end to the Byzantine empire, and to Greek sovereignty for several centuries, and therefore reinforcing Tuesday as an unlucky day in the Greek world.

Many modern stories (including The Da Vinci Code) claim that when King Philip IV had many Templars simultaneously arrested on October 13, 1307, that started the legend of the unlucky Friday the 13th. However, closer examination shows that though the number 13 was indeed considered historically unlucky, the actual association of Friday and 13 seems to be an invention from the early 1900s.

"It's been estimated that [U.S] $800 or $900 million is lost in business on this day because people will not fly or do business they would normally do."
Some people are so paralyzed by fear that they are simply unable to get out of bed when Friday the 13th rolls around. The Stress Management Center and Phobia Institute estimates that more than 17 million people are affected by a fear of this day. Despite that, representatives for both Delta and Continental Airlines say that their airlines don't suffer from any noticeable drop in travel on those Fridays.

A British Medical Journal study has shown that there is a significant increase in traffic related accidents on Friday the 13ths.

The date is well-known in the motorcycle (biker) community: Since 1981, motorcycle enthusiasts and vendors gather every Friday the 13th in Port Dover, Ontario, Canada. This tradition started on November 13, 1981 by Chris Simons as a gathering of approximately 25 friends. The event has grown substantially, with an estimated 100,000 people attending in August 2004, as well as music bands, vendors, a bike show, etc.

In the Spanish-speaking world, it is Tuesday the 13th the day that supposedly brings bad luck; a proverb runs En martes, ni te cases ni te embarques, ni de tu familia te apartes. (On Tuesday, neither get married nor start a journey, or separate yourself from your family.)

All months whose first day falls on a Sunday will contain a Friday the 13th.

Every year has at least one and at most three Fridays the 13th, with 48 occurences in 28 years an average of 1.7 times per year.

The Gregorian Calendar 400-year cycle contains a whole number (20,871) of weeks and 146,097 days, but the number of months (4800) is not divisible by seven. Along with the 146,000 days, (400 x 365 days), there are ninety-seven February 29s and Leap Year Days. The easiest way to explain how and why the Gregorian Calendar rotates during any 400-year cycle is that there are 365 days every year. Ninety-seven of the 400 years are Leap Years and contain a February 29; in them, there are 366 days. Years with 365 days have 52 weeks, with one additional day; years with 366 days have 52 weeks, with two additional days. Just add the additional days, after the fifty-two weeks, during all 400 years. The 97 Leap Years double to 194. Then add the other 303, and the overall total is 497. 97 plus 97 plus 303 equals 497. 497 days equals seventy-one weeks. Add the fifty-two weeks, in the four-hundred-year system of the Gregorian Calendar, (other than the 497 additional days), and there are 145,600 days, equalling 20,800 weeks. 145,600 days plus 497 days equals 146,097 days, which equals the 20,871 weeks and 146,097 days, listed above. Because of this, no chosen day of the month up to the 28th can occur the same number of times on each day of the week. The 13th day of the month is slightly more likely to be on a Friday than on any other day of the week

* Black Sabbath's self-titled debut album was released in the UK on Friday, February 13, 1970.
* Novelist Daniel Handler, also known as Lemony Snicket, released the 13th book of the Series of Unfortunate Events on Friday, October 13, 2006.
* January 13, 2006, and October 13, 2006, were not only Fridays, but the digits in the month, day, and year of each date add up to 13. This last occurred on October 13, 1520, and will next occur on May 13, 2011.
* There is an almost uncanny occurrence (at least in recent years) of the full moon falling on or very close to a Friday the 13th. July 13th, 1984, February 13th, 1987, March 13th, 1998, October 13th, 2000 were all full moons. June 13th, 2003 and January 13th, 2006 were the days before a full moon, and June 13th, 2014 and January 13th, 2017 occur slightly after the full moon. Friday, September 13th, 2019 will be the next year to contain a full moon on a Friday the 13th.[11]
* The asteroid 99942 Apophis will make its close encounter on Friday, April 13, 2029.
* The Harry Potter Movie: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix will be released on Friday, July 13, 2007.
* Hurricane Charley made landfall in Florida on Friday, August 13, 2004

Notable births on Friday the 13th

Georges Simenon - February 13, 1903
Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen - January 13, 1911
Margaret Thatcher - October 13, 1925
Fidel Castro - August 13, 1926
T. J. Cloutier - October 13, 1939
Zoë Wanamaker - May 13, 1949
Peter Davison - April 13, 1951
Max Weinberg - April 13, 1951
Steve Buscemi - December 13, 1957
Julia Louis-Dreyfus - January 13, 1961
Will Clark - March 13, 1964
Tim Story - March 13, 1970
Michelle Sara Cox - December 13, 1974
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen - June 13, 1986
Marco Andretti - March 13, 1987 *From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Thursday, September 12, 2019

Ordering Pizza


Hot Pizza
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza House. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order."
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Damn. What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it"
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, sir. The 'damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn"
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed that you'd be using it."
Customer: "@#%/$@&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop."
Customer: (Speechless)
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing. oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics."

Seniors on Sex

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Hyuk!
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!" 


Hyuk!
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there-that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?". Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm. 


Hyuk!
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

Hyuk!

Death by Caffeine

Mr YukFind out how much caffeine is in your favourite drinks and how many it will take to kill you.

http://www.energyfiend.com/death-by-caffeine/

*Energy Fiend

Kinderen voor Kinderen song - Two Fathers

13 AWESOME THINGS YOU DIDN'T KNOW WERE MADE IN CANADA


Forget Labatt’s beer and maple syrup. Canadians have created plenty of awesome and strange stuff, and here are 13 things you probably didn’t know were proudly made in Canada

While hockey players and great beer may be Canada’s favourite exports, there are actually tons of great Canadian products used around the world every day. And while everybody knows the telephone was invented in Canada, how many people know that 95 per cent of the world’s Lentils come from Saskatchewan, or that we make more submarines than most countries combined?


1. Did You Know Most of the World's French Fries Come from New Brunswick?

New Brunswick-based McCain Foods makes one-third of all the frozen French fries produced in the world, and many come from a $65-million state-of-the art potato processing plant that’s in Florenceville-Bristol. The small town in western New Brunswick has taken on the moniker ‘The French Fry Capital of the World.’ Not surprisingly, this is the location of the Potato World museum, and the heart of the mid-July National French Fry Day celebrations.



2. Did You Know Carlton Place Makes the World's Best Baseball Bats?

In 2012, more than 100 Major League Baseball players chose to swing Canadian maple wood bats - better known as the "Sam Bat". Sam Holman, founder of the The Original Maple Bat Corporation, invented the bat by choosing maple wood, a harder wood than the traditionally used ash. So, if you see a professional player with a little logo on their baseball bat, that’s one of the 18,000 sluggers produced each year in Carlton Place, a half-hour from Ottawa.



3. Did You Know Saskatchewan Makes Most of the World's Lentils?

Mmmm, Lentils! Whether home or travelling abroad, order some lentil soup and odds are you’re getting a little taste of home. Canada is the largest exporter of green lentils in the world - about 1.5 million metric tonnes annually, with 95% of it coming from Saskatchewan.


4. Did You Know Scarborough Makes Most of the World's Halls?

If you pick up a pack of Halls you’ll be getting another little taste of home since they are made in Scarborough, Ontario. The plant at Bertrand produced more than 6 billion pieces of “medicine” for the U.S. last year – enough that if you lined them side-by-side they would circle the earth at the equator approximately 3.4 times.


5. Did You Know Winnipeg Mints Coins for Over 60 Countries?

Canada produces currency for more countries than you can imagine! The Royal Winnipeg Mint produces coins for 60 different countries, including Centavos for Cuba, kroner for Norway, and pesos for Colombia. Currently the mint can produce over 20 million coins a day.


6. Did You Know Hamilton Makes the World's Swedish Fish?

Those chewy Swedish Fish sure weren’t made in Sweden! More than 5 billion of the colourful little candies are produced in Hamiltion, Ontario every year – that’s all of the Swedish Fish consumed in North America. Every day about 13 million of the little fish are produced at a factory in Hamilton, which also makes all Maynards Candy for Canada, and key brands for the U.S., including Sour Patch Kids.


7. Did You Know Toronto Makes the World's Best Racing Bikes?

Using the same tools and techniques as Formula One teams, Toronto-basedCervélo builds what have been called the world’s fastest and lightest bikes. At the 2008 Olympics in Beijing, athletes riding Cervélo bikes won 10 medals, while in 2008 Carlos Sastre rode a Cervélo bike to win le Tour de France.


8. Did you Know Winnipeg Makes Most of the World's Scratch Cards?

Walk into almost any corner store in the world for an instant win lottery ticket, and there’s a good chance your scratch card was printed by Winnipeg company Pollard Banknote. Founded in 1907, Pollard now has facilities throughout North America, however a significant amount of its lottery scratch cards are still made in Canada.


9. Did You Know the World's Best Cymbals come from New Brunswick?

Where do the cymbals used by Rush, Keith Harris of the Black Eyed Peas, the Philadelphia Orchestra and marching bands around the world come from? The small village of Meductic (population 300), located along the Saint John River in southern New Brunswick. SABIAN cymbals are sold in 120 countries around the world.


10. Did You Know Trenton Makes Tons of Dinos?

No, they don't make dinosaurs like in Jurassic Park, but close. Research Casting International, the leading company for constructing dinosaur remains (casting, restoring, mounting, repairing), is located in a 45,000 sq.ft. airplane-hanger-sized building in Trenton, Ontario. The company has created more than 750 of the mighty beasts for museums around the world.


11. Did You Know Kelowna Makes Most of the World's Water Slides?

When you slip down one of those clear tube water slides on a Disney Cruise, you’re likely using Canadian design and technology. Canada’s Whitewater West Industries Ltd. is the largest water parks attraction company in the world. Their Kelowna, B.C. facility, FormaShape, makes thousands of water slides each year.


12. Did You Know Peterborough is the Custom Aircraft Capital of Canada?

Flying Colours Corp. of Peterborough, Ontario doesn’t make airplanes, but they sure make them special. Entertainment systems, corporate logos, iPad-holders, custom exterior paint, upholstery, and they’ve even added a permanent bed in an aft cabin. Everything is custom made in-house, from the leather seats and wood trim to the side walls – for customers from across the globe, including much of Europe, the Middle East, Russia, Asia, and India.


13. Did you know B.C. Makes Tons of Submarines?

Atlantis Submarines, of British Columbia, actually owns more submarines than many countries – but these ones are used for tourism. The Canadian company initiated the world’s first commercial tourist submarine in the Cayman Islands in 1986. More than 10 million people have since experienced underwater adventures in their 48 and 64 passenger submarines in the Caribbean and Pacific. The subs they operate in Barbados, the Cayman Islands, Aruba, St. Martin, Cozumel, Curacao & Guam were all made in Canada.