The LOST revelation of GILLIGAN'S ISLAND

Message of the day...

  

Let's Dance!

New Golf Shoes

 

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked, "How many?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces.

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."

Two Types of YOGA

 

THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH AND EDNA

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Canada's Drug Problem

The other day, someone at a store in town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse nearby. He asked me a rhetorical question, "Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"
 
I replied: "I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
 
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
 
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect to the teacher or the preacher; or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
 
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane or four-letter word. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
 
I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and if my mother had know that I took a single dime as a tip, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
 
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, Canada would be a better place."

Does it work?

 

Seems Legit...

 

Medieval Humour in Architecture

 

Opinion on Opinions

 

Ancestral Mathematics

 

Can My Dog Eat This?

 

I Cannot/Can Control

 

Fido Dido - The Mind Reader

 

Click here. Uses Flash.

Kung Fu

Two kung-fu masters were carrying on about their respective skills. "Why, my reflexes are such that you will not believe," boasted Master Foo and drawing his sword, he sliced at a passing fly, which promptly dropped dead in two pieces.

"That's nothing," said Master Koh. Drawing his sword, he made two deft cuts at another passing fly.

Master Foo was highly amused. "What are you talking about?" he sneered. "That fly is still flying."

"Ah yes," replied Master Koh, "but now it can never have children."

Story of Two Houses

LOOK OVER THE DESCRIPTIONS OF THE FOLLOWING TWO HOUSES AND SEE IF YOU CAN TELL WHICH BELONGS TO AN ENVIRONMENTALIST.

HOUSE # 1:

A 20-room mansion (not including 8 bathrooms) heated by natural gas. Add on a pool (and a pool house) and a separate guest house all heated by gas. In ONE MONTH ALONE this mansion consumes more energy than the average American household in an ENTIRE YEAR. The average bill for electricity and natural gas runs over $2,400.00 per month. In natural gas alone (which last time we checked was a fossil fuel), this property consumes more than 20 times the national average for an American home. This house is not in a northern or Midwestern "snow belt," either. It's in the South.


HOUSE # 2:

Designed by an architecture professor at a leading national university, this house incorporates every "green" feature current home construction can provide. The house contains only 4,000 square feet (4 bedrooms) and is nestled on arid high prairie in the American southwest. A central closet in the house holds geothermal heat pumps drawing ground water through pipes sunk 300 feet into the ground. The water (usually 67 degrees F.) heats the house in winter and cools it in summer. The system uses no fossil fuels such as oil or natural gas, and it consumes 25% of the electricity required for a conventional heating/cooling system. Rainwater from the roof is collected and funneled into a 25,000 gallon underground cistern. Wastewater from showers, sinks and toilets goes into underground purifying tanks and then into the cistern. The collected water then irrigates the land surrounding the house. Flowers and shrubs native to the area blend the property into the surrounding rural landscape.


HOUSE # 1 (20 room energy guzzling mansion) is outside of Nashville, Tennessee. It is the abode of that renowned environmentalist (and filmmaker) Al Gore.


HOUSE # 2 (model eco-friendly house) is on a ranch near Crawford, Texas. Also known as "the Texas White House," it was the private residence of the President of the United States, George W. Bush.


So whose house is gentler on the environment? Yet another story you WON'T hear on CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, MSNBC or read about in the New York Times or the Washington Post. Indeed, for Mr. Gore, it's truly "an inconvenient truth."

Ear Hair

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

Cool Site O' The Day

I can't remember meeting anyone who did not like to pop those little bubbles in bubble wrap. Now you can squish away to your heart's content by clicking here. Uses flash.

New Stealth Fighter!

 

Heehee!

A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to God. The postman seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it.

It was from a man who was down on his luck and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week. The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twenty five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did.

Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to God. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Columbus next time as the Masons kept half.

*Masonic Humour

Brain Teasers

Try them first, then if you give up... Click on the picture of the brain:

Number 1:

Can You Solve It?

10, 4, 3, 11, 15...

What number is next?

a) 14
b) 1
c) 17
d) 12

Number 2:

Can You Solve It?

AALLLOUGNINCEACELSSSEANRYTELNETCTEERS

If you cross out all unnecessary letters in the above string of letters, a logical sentence will remain. Can you read what it says?

Number 3:

Can You Solve It?

Imagine you are in a sinking rowboat surrounded by great white sharks. How would you survive?

Click on the brain for the answers

"New Male Beauty Product" on the market!

Are you fat?
Are you ugly?
Are you short?
Are you balding?
Are you sick?
Are you stupid?
Work for the Canadian Wheat Board?
Do ladies call you macho . . . or jerk?
Are you over 30, 40, 50, or even 60?
In general, have ladies lost interest in you?

Do not despair. A German company has come out with a new "Male Beauty Product". This is such a revolutionary product that it gives fast and effective results instantly! If you purchase this product, and use it, even if only once or twice, you will see that the most beautiful and sexy ladies can not resist your charms.

This is the best "Male Beauty Product" on the market and is available in select stores now!

Take a look for yourself . . ..

My Idea of the Ultimate Computer!

 

Vacation

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, 'Tis I."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Brydie Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed Father."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

Tommy replied, "Three months' vacation and five good leads."

Potential Vs. Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two whores."

 

Red Skelton On Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for ourm anniversary.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there is water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!

SCIENTISTS FIND METAL IN RAT CAGES CAUSES CANCER IN LABORATORY RATS- ALL SCIENTIFIC DATA UP UNTIL NOW WORTHLESS

 

Baltimore -- Scientists at the National Institute of Health confirmed today that the metal in rat cages does indeed cause cancer in laboratory animals.

At a mid-afternoon NIH press conference Dr. Ronald Jam reflected the sentiment of his beleaguered colleagues. "Apparently by brushing up against the cages the little bastards contact cancer of all types. We thought about everything…we just never thought about the cages. I mean, this was a lot of work, and now it's all gone, just like that. Twenty-three years, two ex-wives, and five kids who wont talk to me? And for what? To start all over again? My whole life's down the crapper." At that point Dr. Jam broke into a low resonating howl of utter frustration and was led away from the briefing by an unidentified member of the nursing staff.

"Yeah, this could be a problem with the research data alright," said Dr. Erwin Burnbaum, Director of The Foundation for All Scientific Data. "Sure didn't see this one coming. Nope." Burnbaum confirmed that all scientific data up until now was rendered worthless by the recent findings.

*Creeping tabloidism online newspaper satire...The Newz.com

Sidewalk Art

 How DO they do that???

Flat sidewalks! WOW! To see more, click here.

BLACK JACK! Play By These Rules You Are Guaranteed To Win!

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.


TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.


THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.


FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.


FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.


SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.


SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.


EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.


NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.


TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.


ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.


TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.


THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"


FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk..


FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.


SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.


SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.


EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.


NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.


TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.


TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Building your life

After 30 years of building houses for Ben, a prominent land developer, Sam announced he wanted to retire, buy some land, and build a small home for himself and his wife.

Sam had hoped for a large bonus for all his years of service. Instead, Ben asked him if he would build one more house. He gave Sam plans for a lovely home located on a choice piece of land with a magnificent view. It was for a very important person, Ben said, and he urged Sam to do his best work.

Because Sam was resentful, his heart was not in the project and his work was shoddy. He ignored architectural details and even substituted inferior materials so he could pocket the difference. When the house was finished, there was a big celebration. Ben gave Sam an envelope as a parting gift.

"At last, my bonus," Sam thought.

There was no check in the envelope. Instead, it included a key and a note: "For everything you`ve done -- the house is yours!"

Sam was ashamed and embarrassed. He had not only misjudged Ben, he had betrayed his professionalism by constructing an inferior home, one that turned out to be his own.

Through our daily actions we all build the houses we will ultimately live in. Careless decisions, neglected relationships, lies, and insincerity are the shoddy workmanship and inferior materials of life-building.

Whenever we take shortcuts, we shortchange ourselves. Whenever we put in less than our best and ignore our potential for excellence, we create a future full of creaky floors, leaky roofs, and crumbling foundations.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Hints from The Wiz...

PRETTY NEAT LITTLE TIPS

Bed Sheets
After drying my sheets, put both sheets and one pillowcase in the other pillow case. Fold neatly in a square. Next time you change sheets, you just take the one pillow case and all the sheets and pillow case are inside. No need to look for matches.

Reheat Pizza
Heat up leftover pizza in a non-stick skillet on top of the stove, set heat to med-low and heat till warm. This keeps the crust crispy. No soggy micro pizza.

Deviled Eggs
Put cooked egg yolks in a zip lock bag. Seal, mash till they are all broken up. Add remainder of ingredients, reseal, keep mashing it up mixing thoroughly, cut the tip of the baggy, squeeze mixture into egg. Just throw bag away when done easy clean up.

Expanding Frosting
When you buy a container of cake frosting from the store, whip it with your mixer for a few minutes. You can double it in size. You get to frost more cake/cupcakes with the same amount. You also eat less sugar/calories per serving.

Reheating refrigerated bread
To warm biscuits, pancakes, or muffins that were refrigerated, place them in a microwave with a cup of water. The increased moisture will keep the food moist and help it reheat faster.

Newspaper Weeds-Away
Start putting in your plants, work the nutrients in your soil. Wet newspapers, put layers around the plants overlapping as you go, cover with mulch and forget about weeds. Weeds will get through some gardening plastic, they will not get through wet newspapers.

Broken Glass
Use a dry cotton ball to pick up little broken pieces of glass - the fibers catch ones you can't see!

No More Mosquitoes
Place a dryer sheet in your pocket. It will keep the mosquitoes away.

Squirrel Away!
To keep squirrels from eating your plants sprinkle your plants with cayenne pepper. The cayenne pepper doesn't hurt the plant and the squirrels won't come near it.

Easier thank you's
When you throw a bridal/baby shower, buy a pack of thank you cards for the guest of honor. During the party, pass out the envelopes and have everyone put their address on one. When the bride/new mother sends the thank you's, they're all addressed!

New Bike
If you purchase a new bike for your child, place their picture inside the handle bar before placing the grips on. If the bike is stolen and later recovered, remove the grip and there is your proof who owns the bike.

Flexible vacuum
To get something out of a heat register or under the fridge add an empty paper towel roll or empty gift wrap roll to your vacuum. It can be bent or flattened to get in narrow openings.

Reducing Static Cling
Pin a small safety pin to the seam of your slip and you will not have a clingy skirt or dress. Same thing works with slacks that cling when wearing panty hose. Place pin in seam of slacks and -- voila -- static is gone.

Foggy Windshield?
Hate foggy windshields? Buy a chalkboard eraser and keep it in the glove box of your car. When the windows fog, rub with the eraser! Works better than a cloth!

Conditioner
Use your hair conditioner to shave your legs. It's a lot cheaper than shaving cream and leaves your legs really smooth. It's also a great way to use up the conditioner you bought but didn't like when you tried it in your hair...

Good-bye Fruit Flies
To get rid of pesky fruit flies, take a small glass fill it 1/2" with Apple Cider Vinegar and 2 drops of dishwashing liquid, mix well. You will find those flies drawn to the cup and gone forever!

Get Rid of Ants
Put small piles of cornmeal where you see ants. They eat it, take it "home," & can't digest it so it kills them. It may take a week or so, esp. if it rains, but it works & you don't have the worry about pets or small children being harmed!

Sand Gone
Take baby powder to the beach. Keep a small bottle of baby powder in your beach bag. When you're ready to leave the beach sprinkle yourself and kids with the powder and the sand will slide right off your skin.

The ZEN of Computing

In Japan, they are considering replacing the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft Error messages with Haiku poetry messages.

Haiku poetry has strict construction rules.

Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third. Haiku is used to communicate a timeless message often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity -- the essence of Zen:

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Website you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows again crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Very Punny!

A man tried to phone the King of the Jungle.

All he got was a recorded message saying, "All the lions are busy right now. Please try later."



A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."



Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.



Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

A Saskatchewan Taste Treat!

 

Chocolate Covered Grasshoppers

Ingredients:
baker's chocolate
candied grasshoppers

Directions:
Melt baker's chocolate in double boiler.
Fill molds halfway with chocolate, add grasshoppers, fill rest of the way.

A tasty surprise in every one!

The Simpson's 10 Best Couch Gags

Top 13 Reasons to become a Witch

 

13. I live for persecution!

12. I'm a night person at heart.

11. We respect our elders...and alders, and willows and oaks.

10. I just love explaining that a pentagram is NOT evil.

9. We do more after midnight than most people do all day!

8. Being burned at the stake is a great way to roast marshmallows.

7. We can talk to Elvis (and he IS dead).

6. You live, you learn, you die, you forget. Then you comeback...

5. Double the deities, double the fun!

4. We get more holidays.

3. Brooms get great mileage.

2. We were here first!

1. BELTANE!!!

~ Unknown