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Monday, April 19, 2021

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners


The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.

He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week. 

HYUK!

I went skydiving today for the first time.

This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane.

As we plummeted he said, "So how long have you been an instructor?" 

HYUK!

A truck loaded with Vick’s VapoRub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

HYUK!

You Know You're A Mom When...

1. You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

2. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school.

3. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

4. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

5. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak. 

HYUK!

A seven-year-old boy dressed in his pajamas was safely pulled over by police after driving his mom's car 20 miles because he wanted to visit his dad.


The mother said the boy is really in trouble because he was only supposed to go to 7-11 for a gallon of milk and a pack of cigarettes.

HYUK!

Why are cats so bad at video games?


Because they can only press paws.

clapping

No Mask On Your Face..

 

No Mask On Your Face...

Sunday, April 18, 2021

Saturday, April 17, 2021

The Love Doctor

 The Love Doctor Dear Love Doctor,


I met this really cool guy a week ago. We really hit it off. It was like we had known each other forever, we had so much in common.

But, he hasn't called me once all week. I know I didn't do anything wrong, and he promised to call and we would get together this weekend.

I've been looking forward to hearing from him ever since we parted.

I'd call him, but I don't know his number. Would it be really rude to just go over to his place and knock on the door?

Signed,

Anxious


Dear Anxious,

There is nothing like young love! Or at least lust.

It is possible that he lost your number and is just dying to hear from you. But, really, just popping up from out of nowhere is a definite no no!

On the other hand, it's possible he's forgotten all about you.

What we say in the heat of lust may be far from the reality we feel after we have straightened up the sheets. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but, he may have been caught up in the moment, and when the moment ends life goes on.

Yes, there is only one way to know for sure. Send him a little note. Something on a cute little card. Just say, "thinking about you....when you have a moment give me call." Sign your name and be sure you put down your phone number. Since you know where he lives just address the envelope and pop it in the mail. Don't drop it off at his door, though. He may think you are stalking him and scare him off.

If he calls, Great. If he doesn't, you've given him a chance and move on.


The Love Doctor

--Send your questions about love to "The Love Doctor" directly from 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow! I have added an email link that goes direct to The Love Doctor - this will enable quicker responses from him. You can do this by clicking on his picture in the sidebar and put your question in the email. This will ensure that The Love Doctor gets your question. The Love Doctor forwards his replies to me for posting consideration. Note: Due to the high volume of letters that The Love Doctor receives, not all letters will be posted on 'OZ' - but the Love Doctor will reply to every email. (so he says)

OUT Saskatoon

 

OUT Saskatoon
The centre serves all genders and sexual orientations, no matter where the individual falls. Programs arise out of the needs expressed by the people who access our centre. Their programming addresses the underlying issues which affect the health and welfare of our community by countering heterosexism, homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia.

Click here.

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?

Well....it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:


How a woman's brain works...

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved...

Good thing a man's brain requires only two balls.

Friday, April 16, 2021

Skippy the dog

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Sunday dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she sh*ts all over you!"

The Farmer's New Telephone

There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator.


Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring)

"Operator".
"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."
"Excuse me?"
"I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi."
"I don't understand you, sir."
"FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!"
"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that."
"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed the phone down)


The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator.

"Yesh, I yam", he said.

The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone."

Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring)

"Operator".
"Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?"
Immediately huffy, the operator replied, "I CERTAINLY am!"
"Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."

Two Jewish Sisters-In-Law

Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet for lunch in a pub....


2 Jewish Sister's in Law

Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this vonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."

After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea vat is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"

Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how ve've all vorried about him. It's past time he's settled vith a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Vell...," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."

So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to vorry!" It says, "Herpes: A disease affecting the gentiles!"

Thursday, April 15, 2021

The Gunfighter

Gunfighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who - in his day - had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. 

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," replied the old-timer. 

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot the cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' something here. Got any more tips?" 

The old man pointed to a large can in the corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it ALL over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your a**, and it won't hurt as much!"

The Wiz on the Street

Death rates among people who work building computers are considerably higher than the rest of the population. So the Wizard hit the streets again, asking, "What do you think?"

Alex

Alex Beerman, Store Clerk. "Man, you can't do anything fun anymore without getting cancer. No smoking, no working in computer factories, no handling beryllium or beryllium compounds, no nothing, man."

Ken

Ken Glaser, Landscape Architect. "Great. So when the computers turn against us, there won't be anyone alive who knows their weaknesses."

Jessica

Jessica LaGrange, Systems Analyst. "Jeez, now I feel bad about upgrading to the arsenic graphics card."


Seniors Are Proud People

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill Two Old Men On A Benchdidn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it figured maybe he had a cold or some such. 

But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill. Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! 

Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you???" Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail???," cried Sam!! "What in the world for???" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" "Yeah" said Sam, I remember her. What about her?" "Well one day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled "guilty" and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

Bernie Madoff (1928 - 2021) No R.I.P. here!

Bernie Madoff

Bernie Madoff, the financier who pleaded guilty to orchestrating the largest Ponzi scheme in history, died in a federal prison early Wednesday, a person familiar with the matter told The Associated Press.

Madoff died at the Federal Medical Center in Butner, North Carolina, apparently from natural causes, the person said. The person was not authorized to speak publicly and spoke to the AP on the condition of anonymity.

Paper Artistry

In the animation world, people who understand pencils and paper usually aren't computer people, and the computer people usually aren't the artistic people, so they always stand on opposite sides of the line. But I know what I like....


paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
paper artistry
It's amazing what some people can do with a single sheet of paper.