Welcome to 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow!! Posting is at 10AM, Noon and 2PM CST daily. Up to 12 days of posts on the main page. The archives have more. You can forward posts by clicking on the envelope at the bottom of the post. Enjoy your stay! *** If you need to contact me, or have a copyright issue, please use the "Contact The Wizard" form on the left side of 'OZ'. Original source and author is cited and credited in each post where possible. ***
1.What goes up and never comes down?
2.What has feet and legs, and nothing else?
3.What is the moon worth?
4.What can you catch but not throw?
5.What do you serve that you can't eat?
Answers: 1. your age 2. stockings 3. 1 dollar/ 4 quarters 4. a cold 5. a tennis ball
Hey what are you going to do for a face when that ape wants his butt back?
last time
I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana.
I usually don't forget a face but for you I'll make an exception.
Want to know why birds fly upside down over Iowa? because it ain't worth crap.
You 're so fat that when you walked in a zoo the elephants threw peanuts too you.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here?
Did someone leave your cage open?
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
1. METRO - 1/2 of Windows 8. It is for tablet computing - if you don't have a tablet, not worth changing.
2. Desktop - The other 1/2 of Windows 8 desktop is an app in METRO. Looks and feels the same as windows 7. Accessing the 'desktop' is more complicated than Windows 7 as you need to go back to METRO to make changes.
3. Microsoft will control, the applications for METRO. From The Microsoft Store. You can download any app for the desktop, so the difference is not noticeable from Windows 7.
Windows has been following a "second release is better" history:
Windows 95 - Good version
Windows 98 - an ok version, basically an update to Windows 95
Windows NT/2000 - Good version
Windows Me - an ok version, basically an update to Windows 98
Windows XP - Good version
Windows VISTA - trouble from get go.
Windows 7 - Outstanding - the "new" XP
Windows 8 - ?
The above is just my opinions. But if you like to be on the leading edge (including helping Microsoft work the bugs out for an OS that you paid to use (which I did with Vista) , by all means upgrade to it. I would wait until I need to update this time - very unusual for me...
Kongregate!
"Kongregate has free games that you can play online. Choose from thousands of free flash games. Complete online game achievements to win badges."
Click here.
*Thanks, DwightHELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6 Today I saved 2600 lives. Twice.
*Thanks, DW(Don't cheat now)
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark".
I was surprised how this worked.
Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math! Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite.
This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most.
Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below.
Movie List: 1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Anal Sex with a Goat 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubt fire 18. Toy Story Now, ain't that something.....?
Now, scroll down for the answers
You hang in there Sunshine... I didn't pass either!
*Thanks, DWMy dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs and he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick ........ OMG! I think my dog is a member of Parliament!
*Thanks, DWDID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM PRINCE ALBERT?
TRUE*** (see bottom) STORY HEARD ON A SASKATOON RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator from Merlin Motors in Saskatoon for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).
He and a friend go duck hunting at Tobin Lake in mid-October; and of course the lake is frozen.
These two guys go out on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR.
They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists,
afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator),
decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???
Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING!!!
Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed
and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb,
scream and holler at the dog to stop.
The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.
One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on.
Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.
The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator.
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps,
drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
Then''''''''''BOOOOOOOOOOOOM''''''''''!!!!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with...... 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy.
He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...
In case you are wondering...The dog is okay.
Newspaper item from the Saskatoon Star-Phoenix..
AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND? *** Not true at all! Check out snopes.com
*Thanks, Dwight
Do you know where your heroin has been?
Click here to goto Ridiculous Billboards (mylikes.com/)
Click on the picture to open it full size in a new window. Stare at the red dot on this woman's nose for thirty seconds. Then, look over at a blank white space (a piece of paper or an empty browser tab will do). Did you see the "correct" version of the image? Here's how it works: stare long enough at an object and the eye's photoreceptors (particularly the color-sensitive cone cells) lose sensitivity from overstimulation. Divert the eyes to a blank space, and the surrounding cone cells send out a much stronger signal. The brain interprets this discrepancy as looking at the precise opposite colors, in what is known as a 'negative afterimage.' Nifty, no?
from Bobby 2010 for Congress | Christie's blog
10. “Oh my god, are you joking?”
Why would I joke about this?
9. “How many? WOW! Are you sure?”
Pretty sure…At least the last time I counted them there was 9 and this one is #10, unless there is two in there. (LOL)
8. “Do you have a TV?”
I always thought that this was a strange response to finding out that we were having another baby.
7. “How can you handle all those children?”
They do eventually walk, clothe, feed, read, study, work, and take care of themselves. Besides they are so cute I don’t mind taking care of them. Not only do they take care of themselves but they take care of each other and help me with laundry, shopping, errands…etc.
6. “Do you home school?”
Sorry…not that brave!
5. “Are you Catholic or Mormon?”
Yes, I am Catholic…(?)…You know there is a conspiracy that Catholics are trying to take over the world.
4. ‘Are you going to have more? or Is this it?”
Well… I know I am going to have this one!
3. “How can you afford all those children?”
We eat a lot of Pizza! LOL! Half of them work for their shoes. We do what we can and they do the rest. See #7. Terry worked and payed his own way through college and graduated with 3.17 gpa with a bachelors in Political Science. All of us are so proud of him. I take no credit for this! All my children are incredibly independent. Sam (4) just learned to make his own peanut butter sandwich and he is so proud of himself.
2. “What are you trying to do, take over the world?”
Yes, see #5.
1. And the #1 question was actually asked by my OBGYN. “How do you do it?” We both laughed and then she added “Well, I know how you do it.” Actually the response has been overwhelmingly positive, with “Congratulations!” and “Way to go!” My children are always asking me “Mom when are you going to have another baby?” They were elated and now it is a battle of the sexes. Of course the girls want to even the score with another girl and the boys want to dominate with a 6-4 lead. I just tell the boys no matter what, girls rule!
Click Above Then choose 'Current Strip'.Troy # 297 Time are a changing is out in the magazines and up online. Looks like things are turning around for the boys as Nick, with a little assist from Jorge, finally lands a job. And you can find Michael's books and ebooks for sale at TROY Tooner.
OK cupcake, so you just finished sipping your mocha decaf bullshit whatever. The only thing more uncomfortable than your bikini briefs is the cut on your chest from shaving this morning. Sure, you're looking at the hot barista at the register, but you're stealing glances at the fabulous ass standing in line too... So what if it's at the top of a pair of hairy legs.
The Gay Test will decide once and for all whether you'd rather fish for largemouth bass or Lance Bass.
Click here to jump to gay-test.com
A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'
The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?'
The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public'
'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'
'Lard ass.' Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.
1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person that you are holding under the water. There -- See? -- It really does work. You're smiling already.
*Thanks, Dwight |
| PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL THE GROUNDHOG |
Groundhog Day is an annual holiday celebrated on February 2. It is held in the United States and Canada. According to folklore, if a groundhog emerging from its burrow on this day fails to see its shadow, it will leave the burrow, signifying that winter will soon end. If on the other hand, the groundhog sees its shadow, the groundhog will supposedly retreat into its burrow, and winter will continue for six more weeks. The holiday, which began as a Pennsylvania German custom in southeastern and central Pennsylvania in the 18th and 19th centuries, has its origins in ancient European weather lore, wherein a badger or sacred bear is the prognosticator as opposed to a groundhog. The holiday also bears some similarities to the medieval Catholic holiday of Candlemas. It also bears similarities to the Pagan festival of Imbolc, the seasonal turning point of the Celtic calendar, which is celebrated on February 2 and also involves weather prognostication. Modern customs of the holiday involve celebrations where early morning festivals are held to watch the groundhog emerging from its burrow. In southeastern Pennsylvania, Groundhog Lodges (Grundsow Lodges) celebrate the holiday with fersommlinge, social events in which food is served, speeches are made, and one or more g'spiel (plays or skits) are performed for entertainment. The Pennsylvania German dialect is the only language spoken at the event, and those who speak English pay a penalty, usually in the form of a nickel, dime or quarter, per word spoken, put into a bowl in the center of the table. |
| PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL THE GROUNDHOG |
The largest Groundhog Day celebration is held in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where crowds as high as 40,000 have gathered to celebrate the holiday since at least 1886. Other celebrations of note in Pennsylvania take place in Quarryville in Lancaster County, the Anthracite Region of Schuylkill County, the Sinnamahoning Valley and Bucks County. Outside of Pennsylvania, notable celebrations occur in the Frederick and Hagerstown areas of Maryland, the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia, Woodstock, Illinois, and among the Amish populations of over twenty states and Canada. The University of Dallas in Irving,Texas has taken Groundhog Day as its official university holiday and organizes a large-scale celebration every year in honor of the Groundhog. Groundhog Day received worldwide attention as a result of the 1993 film of the same name, Groundhog Day, which was set in Punxsutawney (though filmed primarily in Woodstock, Illinois) and featured Punxsutawney Phil.
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Saskatchewan.
If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Regina is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Saskatchewan.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Saskatchewan.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Saskatchewan.
If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Saskatchewan.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Saskatchewan.
If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Saskatchewan.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE SASKATCHEWANIAN WHEN!
1. "Vacation" means going South past Estevan for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
10. Down South to you means Portal.
11. Your 1st. of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." But it is still t-shirt weather
14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward this post to all your Saskatchewan friends.
PIANO TUNER - A man appeared at a woman's front door and announced: "Madam, I'm the piano tuner." "I didn't send for a tuner," the piano-playing lady said. "I know, lady," the man replied. Your neighbor did."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait.
TOURIST: (to farmer): Lived here all your life? FARMER: Not yet.
At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Out of the Mouths of Babes . . . A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
What would you get if you crossed a comedian and a spiritualist? A happy medium.
