Ancient Japanese Proverb

 

The Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.

That's interesting.

I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars!

There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No.

I think I'll just wait for the police...."


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them

Sad News

  

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy (better known as 'Pop N Fresh'), died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. 

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

These are the laws of the natural universe...

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

How sexy is your name?

According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your sexual identity ... What do you think?

A
You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

B
You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

C
You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual,needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

D
Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, being free and open.

E
Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. (Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good look.)

F
You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous,sexual,and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

G
You are crap in bed! ( Remember....I didn't write this!!!! LOL)

H
You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.

I
You have a great need to be loved,appreciated...Even worshiped.You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh.You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual expression.You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual,but you are sometimes downright lustful.

J
You are totally fu*king marvelous!

K
You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your expression of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences and partners, provided it's all in good taste.Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving,cuddling, wining,and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

L
You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savior. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are fairly new to it. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.

M
You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and also enjoy mothering your mate.

N
You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible.You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

O
You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

P
You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner.You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; A good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

Q
You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

R
You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not brag, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

S
You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this.Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

T
You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, oftentimes all in your own head.

U
You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant ratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.

V
You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psyching him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

W
You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

X
You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs,all by yourself, in your own head.

Y
You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgot the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what a great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating and romantic.

Z
Sorry, there was no "Z" in this post. Catching "Z's" no doubt

Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan

 

KARUNCHI, SNAKISTAN — Citing crumbling relations due to years of protracted french-onion diplomacy, the president of the Central Asian doritocracy Fritolaysia withdrew the country's ambassadors from Snakistan Monday. 

"We have been supplying the people of Snakistan with pre-packaged consumable goods for over 40 years, and for them to show resistance to our savory products is unacceptable," Fritolaysian President Barbbaku Chedar said, referring to Snakistani officials' unwillingness to adhere to Fritolaysia's zesty new initiative introduced during a between-meals conference at last week's international-trading summit held in München, Germany. "Fritolaysia has no choice but to crumple up and throw away all chiplomatic ties with the greedy, gluttonous government of Snakistan," Chedar added.

 *The Onion

R.I.P Robert Cormier (1989 - 2022)

Canadian actor Robert Cormier, who appeared in shows like "Heartland" and "American Gods," has died at age 33 after a "tragic accident," his sister says.

His sister, Stephanie Cormier, told CTV News Toronto on Wednesday the family has been left "devastated" by his "unexpected death" on Sept. 23.

"Robbie passed away as the result of a tragic accident," Cormier said. "Our family would like to thank everyone at the Critical Care team in Toronto for the compassionate care they provided Robbie and the kindness they showed our family. We will be forever grateful."

She did not release any details about the nature of the accident.

R.I.P Coolio (1963 - 2022)

Coolio, the rapper best known for his 1995 hit "Gangsta's Paradise", has died, his manager confirmed. He was 59.

Coolio, whose real name was Artis Leon Ivey Jr., died on Wednesday in Los Angeles, his manager said. A cause of death was not immediately given, but it seems to have been a cardiac event. Police have stated there were no signs of foul play.

Why ARE Men Happier ?

Men Are Just Happier People - Click here for a cartoon-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. 

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25minutes. No wonder men are happier!!

I.Q. Test

Now don't cheat. After you do the test... THEN click for the answers.

Click here for the answers.

100 Bonus points if you did not use a pen to write the answers on your monitor screen!

Tree Hugger

A woman from Vancouver Island, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. 

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. 

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and than told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

The Urge

 

You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.

BRAIN CRAMPS

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.



"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey


"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.


"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.


"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas .


"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Former Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Former Vice President


"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

--Dan Quayle


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca


"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President


"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, Former VP


"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery


"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

Funny Stories from IT support

 

Click Above to go to buzzfeed.com

The Big Bang Theory Stars, Where Are They Now?

A Favourite Quote From The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon: Here's an interesting fact about alcohol: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint: sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.

Penny: Monkeys.

Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?

Penny: When a suitcase just won't do.

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?”

I said, “No, not particularly."

 


If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?

In Google Docs.

 

What is a Pessimist?

The real world dictionary defines a 'pessimist' as an optimist with no experience.

 

Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.

One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.

Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on."What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well," he replied, "if you're going to be formal, so am I."

"Are you an actress, auntie?"

"No darling, why do you ask?"

"Because Daddy says whenever you come over, we have a scene."

What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?

Talonted! 

Rich old man had three younger friends that he wanted to do something nice for. He summoned them to his mansion. He told them he wanted to do something nice for each of them and was gonna give each one million dollars.

There was one stipulation, upon his death he wanted to be buried with that million from each of them. They all agreed. Several years later, the old man died. Fast forward to the grave site, the three men are there all by themselves.

1st man says to the 2nd man: “You know, I’m gonna miss our friend. But I have to admit it was tough to put all that money in the coffin.”

2nd man acknowledges and says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.“

The first two men look across the grave and say to the 3rd man, “You don’t look so sad. Did you put your million in the coffin too?”

3rd man says: “Oh yes, I did, and I’m gonna miss him too. But I don’t think he is gonna cash that check wherever he's going!”

I felt a little lightheaded so I booked an online virtual doctor’s appointment with my physician at One Medical.

“What seems to be your problem?” asked the doc.

“I’m lightheaded and I think I might be anemic,” I stated.

“Well, let’s get some blood work ordered and we’ll know for sure,” replied the doctor. “Anything else I can help you with?”

"Yes, I’m wondering if I can still add a few items to my Amazon Fresh order?”

A man dies and goes to heaven. As he walks towards the heaven, he passes by the hell. His curiosity gets better of him and he peeks inside and sees people laughing, singing, a band playing heartily and people are all dancing. He thinks to himself, "If hell is this lively, I cannot wait to see what heaven looks like."

He proceeds and walks into heaven. Heaven is all quiet, serene, birds chirping, flowers blooming, sun is shining. He looks around and sees a man sitting leisurely under a tree. He walks up to him and says, "I just peeped into hell and there everyone was laughing, singing, dancing and they even had a band playing great music. In contrast, it's so quiet in here. The man sitting says, "What did you think? Should we have hired a band here too just for one person?"

 

A husband went to the refrigerator and checked to see what was edible.

He found a salad in a container and called to his wife, “How long has this salad been around?”

She replied, “I don’t know. It’s probably lost its dressing.”

 

-- Anyone get this last one? I don't. The Wizard

How To Watch Star Wars In Command Prompt Via Telnet

You’ve watched all Star Wars movies a long time ago, multiple times, in different orders, on your television, computer, and theatres. But, with all the hype surrounding the franchise and its upcoming movies, it makes perfect sense to re-watch the original series. For true fans, the series could never get old.

But how about watching the series on your PC’s Command Prompt as an animated text? For starters, this has been a thing since the Windows XP days and you can do the same in later versions of Windows as well (or any OS that supports Telnet). Note Windows doesn't enable telnet as default. Go into Control Panel > Programs and Features > Turn Windows Features on/off. Select telnet client. Then follow instructions. 

Launch telnet and type:

telnet towel.blinkenlights.nl

Star Wars will play the complete ascii movie in your telnet session. 

Wise beyond their years....

 

POWER OFF - The six vampire devices you need to switch off to save cash

Note: The following article originates at The Sun UK authored by Anthony Russo and I have converted the savings from Pounds to CDN dollar. The amount of savings is according to British Gas.

MILLIONS of households are bracing for a spike in bills - but you can try to beat the hikes by powering down energy-hungry appliances.

So-called “vampire appliances” drain energy when left on standby or used inefficiently and they could be seeing your bills rack up.

Research by British Gas revealed families could save an average of $217 each year by switching these types of devices off.

1. TV - $37.70/yr

TV's are one of the most energy-hungry devices in the home when left on standby.

A telly uses 40 watts of energy when it's being used, but still guzzles up 10 watts when it's on standby.

British Gas' research suggests more than 60% of households leave their TV on standby for an average of 20 hours every day.

So plenty of people could do with fully turning the appliance off.

2. Set top box/DVR - $35.39/yr

A set top-box is a great way to ensure you don't miss your favourite programmes if you're heading off on holiday.

But if the device is unused by sitting in standby mode then it could be adding extra costs to your energy bills.

It's estimated a shocking 87% of families don't turn off their set top-boxes.

3. Internet router - $28.94/yr

It might be convenient to leave your router or modem on so you can access the internet anytime but doing so adds $28.94 to your electricity bills a year.

More than 90% of households have said that they leave their routers plugged into the walls at home.

4. Microwave - $25.08/yr

Switching off your microwave after every use is another way you could save cash.

Households leave their microwaves on standby for a total of 23 hours a day on average, working out as $25.08 extra on your bill each year.

5. Games console - $18.64/yr

Your Xbox and Playstation use 130 an 120 watts respectively when they’re in use, but still eat up 10 watts when they’re on standby.

It's estimated that households can save an average of $18.64 per year by switching off their game consoles when not in use.

6. Computer - $17.19/yr

Nearly 80% of households don't switch off their computers, which works out at an average of $17.19 per year.

Other appliances that might be adding to your energy bills when left on standby include:

Shower: $15.01 <-- I don't get this one either!

Dishwasher: $10.51

Tumble dryer:$7.34

Washing machine: $7.25

Printer: $5.84

Phone charger: $1.93

*The Sun 

Linux users are such SPOILED BRATS!

Linux users, (myself and most other users an exception), as soon as their "free" software requires some adjustments to the way they think are needed, or a feature is added that they don't want or need, are such SPOILED BRATS and fickle and they jump to (or threaten to) a different distribution!

Things not going 100% their way when 99.9% IS going their way, they threaten to jump ship, abandon their Linux Distribution - and load something else, then complain that that one doesn't do everything they want, exactly the way they want and swap distros (distributions) again. And again. And again! Truly must be nice to have all that free time!

This is "Free" software - as in Free Beer (because it doesn't cost money for the most part) and "Free" software as part of the FOSS (Free Open Source Software), allowing them to even modify it - making sure to keep the licensing open and state in there what was changed. Then they can make that available or distribute that free of charge.

I say grow up you spoiled brats. Work with your OS and make changes you want and keep in mind, the devs are making software OS's that will fulfill the needs of the many, not the needs of the few. Be nice. Ask the development team to include something and why they should want to include it. They may just do that.

I'm sorry, this is not directed at all Linux users, as most of us make the most of our systems, and don't just jump ship when things are done a different way or things you don't want are added. Just remove them from your system. Part of being a Linux user, don't get me wrong, is the ability to find and test a different distro than you are currently using - I don't discourage that at all. It's the "distro hoppers".

I have been using Ubuntu for about 10 years. After this time a few months ago, I did switch to Ubuntu MATE, which was a well thought out and careful change from standard Ubuntu. And yes, there were somethings, I didn't like so I removed/changed them and somethings I wanted it to have so those were installed. 

"Distro-Hoppers" - Make a comment if you are offended!

"Oh i wish i was Oscar Meyer wiener, that is what i'd truly like to be..."

 

 

The OSCAR MAYER WIENER SONG

 

 Oh I wish I were an Os-car May-er Wie - ner

That is what I'd tru-ly like to be 

'cause if I were an Os-car May-er Wie-ner

Ev-ery one would be in love with me

Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.

*Author unknown

VERY IMPORTANT..PLEASE READ

The story

Never, ever answer a cell phone while it is being CHARGED!! A few days ago, a person was recharging his cell phone at home. Just at that time a call came and he answered it with the instrument still connected to the outlet. 

After a few seconds electricity flowed into the cell phone unrestrained and the young man was thrown to the ground with a heavy thud. His parents rushed to the room only to find him unconscious, with a weak heartbeat and burnt fingers. He was rushed to the nearby hospital, but was pronounced dead on arrival. 

Cell phones are a very useful modern invention. Never use the cell phone while it is hooked to the electrical outlet! FORWARD THIS TO THE PEOPLE THAT MATTER IN YOUR LIFE. 

Comments: I have rated this warning "overblown" because it stems from a solitary news report published in 2004 about an First-Nation's man who was fatally electrocuted while answering a cell phone that was plugged in for charging. Assuming the report was accurate, it is fair to conclude that either the phone or the charger was defective, given that 

1) I could find no other reports of people being electrocuted while using a charging cell phone, 

2) under normal circumstances the current flowing into a charging cell phone ought not to be strong enough to kill anyone, and 

3) neither manufacturers nor consumer agencies warn customers against using mobile phones while they are being charged. Under the circumstances, therefore, it would seem excessive to label the ubiquitous device "an instrument of death." Which is not to say no one has ever been injured by a cell phone. Over the past few years there have been numerous reported instances of cell phones exploding or catching fire, causing injury to their owners. Most of the incidents were blamed on the use of faulty and/or unauthorized batteries. 

Safety Precautions: To prevent such mishaps, the U.S. CPSC (Consumer Product Safety Commission) has recommended safety precautions which include the following: 

 * Don't use incompatible/unauthorized cell phone batteries and chargers. 

 * Don't tamper with the battery or allow it to be punctured, crushed, or come into contact with metal objects outside the phone. 

 * Avoid damaging the phone by dropping it, keeping it where it can become overheated, or allowing it to get wet. 

 * Follow manufacturers' instructions for battery usage, storage, and recharging.

R.I.P Louise Fletcher (1934 - 2022)

Louise Fletcher with her portrayal of Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

Louise Fletcher, an actor whose riveting performance as the cruel and calculating Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Kai Winn in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine set a new standard for screen villains and won her an Academy Award, has died at age 88.

Louise Fletcher as Kai Winn, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Fletcher died in her sleep surrounded by family at her home in Montdurausse, France, her agent David Shaul told The Associated Press on Friday. No cause was given.

Lessons from an Oyster

"There once was an oyster
Whose story I tell,
Who found that some sand
Had got into his shell.

It was only a grain,

but it gave him great pain.

For oysters have feelings

Although they're so plain.

Now, did he berate

the harsh workings of fate

That had brought him

To such a deplorable state?

Did he curse at the government,

Cry for election,

And claim that the sea should

Have given him protection?

'No,' he said to himself

As he lay on a shell,

Since I cannot remove it,

I shall try to improve it.

Now the years have rolled around,

As the years always do,

And he came to his ultimate

Destiny ­ stew.

And the small grain of sand

That had bothered him so

Was a beautiful pearl

All richly aglow.

Now the tale has a moral,

for isn't it grand

What an oyster can do

With a morsel of sand?

What couldn't we do

If we'd only begin

With some of the things

That get under our skin."

How To Install a Poor-man's Security System

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots – a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like: "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in ½ hr. Don't disturb the pit bulls; they've just been de-wormed."

Things You Didn't Know You Didn't Know...

Did you know...

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.

If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow. 

Last Day Of Summer

 

Well here it is -- the last day of summer. I found summer to feel short this year. Still have about a month before I have to ditch the flip flops for socks and shoes. Totally hate that! Not really looking forward to winter, but what can you do. it comes regardless. 

Poem in September

 

It was my thirtieth year to heaven
Woke to my hearing from harbour and neighbour wood
And the mussel pooled and the heron
Priested shore
The morning beckon
With water praying and call of seagull and rook
And the knock of sailing boats on the net webbed wall
Myself to set foot
That second
In the still sleeping town and set forth.

My birthday began with the water-
Birds and the birds of the winged trees flying my name
Above the farms and the white horses
And I rose
In rainy autumn
And walked abroad in a shower of all my days.
High tide and the heron dived when I took the road
Over the border
And the gates
Of the town closed as the town awoke.

A springful of larks in a rolling
Cloud and the roadside bushes brimming with whistling
Blackbirds and the sun of October
Summery
On the hill's shoulder,
Here were fond climates and sweet singers suddenly
Come in the morning where I wandered and listened
To the rain wringing
Wind blow cold
In the wood faraway under me.

Pale rain over the dwindling harbour
And over the sea wet church the size of a snail
With its horns through mist and the castle
Brown as owls
But all the gardens
Of spring and summer were blooming in the tall tales
Beyond the border and under the lark full cloud.
There could I marvel
My birthdayIt was my thirtieth year to heaven
Woke to my hearing from harbour and neighbour wood
And the mussel pooled and the heron
Priested shore
The morning beckon
With water praying and call of seagull and rook
And the knock of sailing boats on the net webbed wall
Myself to set foot
That second
In the still sleeping town and set forth.

My birthday began with the water-
Birds and the birds of the winged trees flying my name
Above the farms and the white horses
And I rose
In rainy autumn
And walked abroad in a shower of all my days.
High tide and the heron dived when I took the road
Over the border
And the gates
Of the town closed as the town awoke.

A springful of larks in a rolling
Cloud and the roadside bushes brimming with whistling
Blackbirds and the sun of October
Summery
On the hill's shoulder,
Here were fond climates and sweet singers suddenly
Come in the morning where I wandered and listened
To the rain wringing
Wind blow cold
In the wood faraway under me.

Pale rain over the dwindling harbour
And over the sea wet church the size of a snail
With its horns through mist and the castle
Brown as owls
But all the gardens
Of spring and summer were blooming in the tall tales
Beyond the border and under the lark full cloud.
There could I marvel
My birthday
Away but the weather turned around.

It turned away from the blithe country
And down the other air and the blue altered sky
Streamed again a wonder of summer
With apples
Pears and red currants
And I saw in the turning so clearly a child's
Forgotten mornings when he walked with his mother
Through the parables
Of sun light
And the legends of the green chapels

And the twice told fields of infancy
That his tears burned my cheeks and his heart moved in mine.
These were the woods the river and sea
Where a boy
In the listening
Summertime of the dead whispered the truth of his joy
To the trees and the stones and the fish in the tide.
And the mystery
Sang alive
Still in the water and singing birds.

And there could I marvel my birthday
Away but the weather turned around. And the true
Joy of the long dead child sang burning
In the sun.
It was my thirtieth
Year to heaven stood there then in the summer noon
Though the town below lay leaved with October blood.
O may my heart's truth
Still be sung
On this high hill in a year's turning.

--Dylan Thomas

The Ugly Bus

A bus-load of only ugly people has a terrible and unfortunate accident crashing head-on into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. At the pearly gates, because of all the grief they have suffered throughout their life because of their looks, St. Peter decides to grant them each one wish before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is..."I want to be gorgeous," says the first one. So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says: "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on and on, as each one asks to be gorgeous, but when God is about halfway through, He hears loud laughter coming from the very back of the line...When there are only about ten people left, God notices this Coast Guard Master Chief at the end of the line, just laughing his head off!

 Finally, God reaches the Master Chief and asks him what his wish will be. The Master Chief eventually calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly again."

 The moral of this story:

SOMETIMES IT DOES PAY TO BE AT THE END OF THE LINE!

Pay Up

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. 

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. 

Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.

Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

"OZ" Trivia

What was the direction represented, the name of the Good Witch in the movie, and who played her?

Click above for the answer

Junior Detective

Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mother.

Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third degree examination.

"How old are you?" he asked.

"None of your business," replied his mother, shortly.

"Okay, then how much do you weigh?"

"That's not your business either, young man."

The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final bombshell. "Well, then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?"

Shocked and appalled, Mom sends junior to bed without supper.

The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know."

Later that day, Mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license.

"Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells.

"Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh 145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex."

Cool Illusion!

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, you will only see one color, pink. If you stare at the black X in the center, the moving dot turns to green. 

Now, concentrate on the black X in the center of the picture. After a short period of time, some or all of the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see a green dot rotating if you're lucky! 

It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear. This should be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see:

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was  topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,  "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.  "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off  its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,-----  it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center. 

26 Beautiful One-liners

1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.

2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.

3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.

6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.

8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.

9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.

10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

11. The church is prayer-conditioned.

12. When God ordains, He sustains.

13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.

18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.

19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

21. He who angers you controls you.

22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.

23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.

24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.

25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you. (Izzat s'posed to be a good thing?)

How To Avoid The Flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of rest.

When you go for a shot, what do they do first?

Clean your arm with alcohol. Why?

Because alcohol kills germs.

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!

Click above for "The Flu Song"

.wav file 195KB

Read Between the Lines

There was a history professor and a psychology professor sitting on a deck at a nudist colony. The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."

. . . . think about it.

An Inside Look at Computer Hackers....

 

The Original Computer

Memory was something you lost with age

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano

A web was a spider's home

A virus was the flu

A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy . . .

.. You just hoped nobody ever found out!

More Puns

What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A cock that stays up all night. 

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap. 

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying, "No Hard Feelings." 

What did the doctor say to the patient after surgery? That's enough out of you. 

The majority of HMO plans I've seen can be likened to hospital gowns -- you only think you're covered. 

Mary: "I'm starting to question my sexuality." Jill: "Why is that?" Mary: "Two of my exes are dating each other!" 

Politically correct 'Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer' 

Rudolph was a four-hooved ungulate, Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage of a maroon lustre.

Consequently, if circumstances were to present themselves that he ever came into your view.

You would most undoubtedly remark at to its illuminary qualities.

The multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community, Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, the objective of which was to lower his self esteem and make him miserable.

They also excluded him from participation in leisure activities consistent with their species.

However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an unspecified year... A mythological, supernatural being inherent to western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children) arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.

He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary nasal characteristic. To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle with the express purpose that he navigate through the nocturnal mist.

At that point, the multitude of other members of the population in his ecological community who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed their disposition toward Rudolph to a more congenial, amicable relationship.

They consequently exclaimed with great exaltation and fervor, "Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon nasal appendage, You shall most certainly be recorded in the annals of time, and your memory will be preserved for posterity!"

Name that hymn

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind".

The pastor shouted out "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS".

The pastor hollered out " GRACE". The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound".

The pastor said "POWER". The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD".

The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into  total silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".

Bastinado - Offensive or Interesting?

 

I heard about this on Law & Order. European Mafia practiced this even in North America.

bas·ti·na·do (băs'tə-nā'dō, -nä'-) pronunciation also bas·ti·nade (-nād', -näd')

n., pl. -does also -nades.

   1. A beating with a stick or cudgel, especially on the soles of the feet.

   2. A stick or cudgel.

tr.v., -doed also -nad·ed, -do·ing -nad·ing, -does -nades.

To subject to a beating; thrash.

[Alteration of Spanish bastonada, from baston, stick, from Vulgar Latin *bastō, *bastōn-.]

This form of torture is well known to be used by Saddam's forces as well. They beat the soles of the feet, which breaks a lot of the smaller bones, causes massive swelling and leaves victims unable to walk for a while. 

The Wizard thinks any torture is perverted. You? Leave a comment.

NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Medical Service Corp Colonel found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts  college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Colonel, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something  bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Colonel said,"Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."  The Colonel's short reply was,"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"  The Colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"

The Colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so?   It's only 2130 now."

Don't you just LOVE THAT MILITARY TIME!!

Bad Puns - Get your muds wordled!

Cowasaki

 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." 

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."  

"Is it common?"  

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."  

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.  

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"  

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.  

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."  

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."  

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  

This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....  

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who posted twenty different puns to his readers with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.