When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, “You missed work yesterday, didn’t you?”
I said, “No, not particularly."
I said, “No, not particularly."
If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.
What is a Pessimist?
The real world dictionary defines a 'pessimist' as an optimist with no experience.
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on."What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well," he replied, "if you're going to be formal, so am I."
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on."What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well," he replied, "if you're going to be formal, so am I."
"Are you an actress, auntie?"
"No darling, why do you ask?"
"Because Daddy says whenever you come over, we have a scene."
"No darling, why do you ask?"
"Because Daddy says whenever you come over, we have a scene."
What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?
Talonted!
Rich old man had three younger friends that he wanted to do something
nice for. He summoned them to his mansion. He told them he wanted to do
something nice for each of them and was gonna give each one million
dollars.
There was one stipulation, upon his death he wanted to be buried with that million from each of them. They all agreed. Several years later, the old man died. Fast forward to the grave site, the three men are there all by themselves.
1st man says to the 2nd man: “You know, I’m gonna miss our friend. But I have to admit it was tough to put all that money in the coffin.”
2nd man acknowledges and says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.“
The first two men look across the grave and say to the 3rd man, “You don’t look so sad. Did you put your million in the coffin too?”
3rd man says: “Oh yes, I did, and I’m gonna miss him too. But I don’t think he is gonna cash that check wherever he's going!”
There was one stipulation, upon his death he wanted to be buried with that million from each of them. They all agreed. Several years later, the old man died. Fast forward to the grave site, the three men are there all by themselves.
1st man says to the 2nd man: “You know, I’m gonna miss our friend. But I have to admit it was tough to put all that money in the coffin.”
2nd man acknowledges and says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.“
The first two men look across the grave and say to the 3rd man, “You don’t look so sad. Did you put your million in the coffin too?”
3rd man says: “Oh yes, I did, and I’m gonna miss him too. But I don’t think he is gonna cash that check wherever he's going!”
I felt a little lightheaded so I booked an online virtual doctor’s appointment with my physician at One Medical.
“What seems to be your problem?” asked the doc.
“I’m lightheaded and I think I might be anemic,” I stated.
“Well, let’s get some blood work ordered and we’ll know for sure,” replied the doctor. “Anything else I can help you with?”
"Yes, I’m wondering if I can still add a few items to my Amazon Fresh order?”
A man dies and goes to heaven. As he walks towards the heaven, he passes
by the hell. His curiosity gets better of him and he peeks inside and
sees people laughing, singing, a band playing heartily and people are
all dancing. He thinks to himself, "If hell is this lively, I cannot
wait to see what heaven looks like."
He proceeds and walks into heaven. Heaven is all quiet, serene, birds chirping, flowers blooming, sun is shining. He looks around and sees a man sitting leisurely under a tree. He walks up to him and says, "I just peeped into hell and there everyone was laughing, singing, dancing and they even had a band playing great music. In contrast, it's so quiet in here. The man sitting says, "What did you think? Should we have hired a band here too just for one person?"
He proceeds and walks into heaven. Heaven is all quiet, serene, birds chirping, flowers blooming, sun is shining. He looks around and sees a man sitting leisurely under a tree. He walks up to him and says, "I just peeped into hell and there everyone was laughing, singing, dancing and they even had a band playing great music. In contrast, it's so quiet in here. The man sitting says, "What did you think? Should we have hired a band here too just for one person?"
A husband went to the refrigerator and checked to see what was edible.
He found a salad in a container and called to his wife, “How long has this salad been around?”
She replied, “I don’t know. It’s probably lost its dressing.”
He found a salad in a container and called to his wife, “How long has this salad been around?”
She replied, “I don’t know. It’s probably lost its dressing.”
-- Anyone get this last one? I don't. The Wizard
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