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Monday, December 30, 2019

New Year's Resolutions for the Family Pet

•Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

•Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.

•I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

•Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

•Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

•Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

•Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my ass.

•Always scoot before licking.

•Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

•Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.

•January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

AND the Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...

•I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

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