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Wednesday, November 21, 2018

Win a 7-Day Cruise




Win a 7-Day Cruise!!

I hope you don't mind, but I submitted your name for a drawing for a 7-day cruise. I can assure you that you will not receive any follow-up phone calls and no representative will come to your door. Your chance of winning is exceptionally high. This is a 7-day cruise (7 days and 6 nights) aboard the brand new Dixie Belle of the Gypsy Queen Line.

All flights, transfers, lodging, food and drink (even one dinner at the Captain's Table as his personal guest) are included in the prize! Good luck. I hope you win.

A picture of the Dixie Belle and all her amenities are shown below.
Once again, GOOD LUCK!




Below is a picture of your two onboard hostesses who will service your cabin, pamper you and care for your every need: Check out the Burger King hat.



And because you will have the Presidential Suite, you can also enjoy the veranda, complete with all modern facilities:




Just remember, I don't do this for just anybody. . . .


Nothing .. Is too good for my friends! I hope you win.

Kermit Jagger



A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


(you're gonna love this)



(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)



(wait for it)



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

The 23 Most Surprising (True) Facts About Awful People



Cracked Staff

Most of the time, what we find enthralling about terrible people are the ways they go belly up. Sometimes, though, there are additional facts about their personal lives that can be just as interesting. We asked you to give us those facts, and gave $200 to the winner ...

23.
Dictator, Murderer, Terrorits, Scarapbooker

More at cracked.com

Naked Fireman NSFW


Click here.

'Bizarre Little Flash Animation'

David Firth has made a bizarre little Flash animation called The Latest Model. It makes a caustic point about fashion, violence, and peer pressure. I'm not entirely sure what that point is, but it's clearly caustic.

Warning: It may be considered violent

Click on the picture below:


'Bizarre Little Flash Animation'



Use your 'Back' button to return to 'OZ'

Bears break into car, eat 49 chocolate bars


ASHEVILLE, NC (WLOS/CNN) - It was an early Thanksgiving meal for a group of North Carolina bears.

The furry creatures broke into a high school student's car to chow down on a sweet treat.

The bears were drawn by the smell of chocolate.

“I don’t know if you can see this but there’s a bear inside my (expletive) car right now, he’s literally in the seat,” said 16-year-old Lilly Thurmond, videotaping from the safety of her home.

The TC Roberson High School student used her cellphone camera as a mother bear and three cubs got at a box of sweet-smelling chocolate bars inside her Toyota Prius.

“I just don’t even understand, I have bears in my car,” Thurmond said. “I hear something to my side and I turn my head and I see that my car door is open.”

“I could hear them growling and stuff. I even saw one bear open my front door, get in the car, shut the door.”

She was selling the chocolate bars for a school prom fundraiser.

"I was like oh my I can't believe this is happening," said Kim Peck, Thurmond’s mother.

Peck said Thurmond’s car was not locked.

“I probably sold like 10 before they got hold of it,” Thurmond said of the chocolate bars.

The bears left the car's interior dirty and punctured but insurance is covering the tab.

As for the lesson learned, it’s an easy one.

"I think we all learned a lesson keep your doors locked because bears know how to open them up," Peck said.

Copyright 2018 WLOS via CNN. All rights reserved.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

Who's your daddy?

A seminary professor was vacationing with his wife in Gatlinburg, TN. One morning, they were eating breakfast at a little restaurant, hoping to enjoy a quiet, family meal. While they were waiting for their food, they noticed a distinguished looking, white-haired man moving from table to table,visiting with the guests. The professor leaned over and whispered to his wife, "I hope he doesn't come over here." But sure enough, the man did come over to their table.

"Where are you folks from?" he asked in a friendly voice.
"Oklahoma," they answered.

"Great to have you here in Tennessee," the stranger said. "What do you do for a living?"

"I teach at a seminary," he replied.

"Oh, so you teach preachers how to preach, do you? Well!, I've got a really great story for you." And with that, the gentleman pulled up a chair and sat down at the table with the couple .

The professor groaned and thought to himself, "Great ... Just what I need ..another preacher story!"

The man started, "See that mountain over there? (pointing out the restaurant window). Not far from the base of that mountain, there was a boy born to an unwed mother. He had a hard time growing up, because every place he went, he was always asked the same question, 'Hey boy, Who's your daddy?' Whether he was at school, in the grocery store or drug store, people would ask the same question, 'Who's your daddy?'

He would hide at recess and lunchtime from other students. He would avoid going in to stores because that question hurt him so bad.

"When he was about 12 years old, a new preacher came to his church. He would always go in late and slip out early to avoid hearing the question, 'Who's your daddy?' But one day, the new preacher said the benediction so fast he got caught and had to walk out with the crowd. Just about the time he got to the back door, the new preacher, not knowing anything about him, put his hand on his shoulder and asked him, Son, who's your daddy?

The whole church got deathly quiet. He could feel every eye in the church looking at him. Now everyone would finally know the answer to the question, Who's your daddy?'

"This new preacher, though, sensed the situation around him and using discernment that only the Holy Spirit could give, said the following to that scared little boy ... "Wait a minute! I know who you are. I see the family resemblance now. You are a child of God. "

With that he patted the boy on his shoulder and said, " Boy, you've got a great inheritance. Go and claim it."

"With that, the boy smiled for the first time in a long time and walked out the door a changed person. He was never the same again. Whenever anybody asked him, 'Who's your Daddy?' he'd just tell them, 'I'm a Child of God.'"

The distinguished! gentleman got up from the table and said, "Isn't that a great story?"

The professor responded that it really was a great story!

As the man turned to leave, he said, "You know, if that new preacher hadn't told me that I was one of God's children, I probably never would have amounted to anything!" And he walked away.

The seminary professor and his wife were stunned. He called the waitress over & asked her, "Do you know who that man was who just left that was sitting at our table?"

The waitress grinned and said, "Of course. Everybody here knows him. That's Ben Hooper. He's the former governor of Tennessee!"

Someone in your life today needs a reminder that they're one of God's children!

"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of God stands forever. ~~Isaiah

YOU'RE ONE OF GOD'S CHILDREN!!! HAVE A GREAT DAY!

The Snowdome

The SnowVolution concept is based on an innovative approach to indoor skiing. A snow covered rotating planar disc, up to 300 metres in diameter, is inclined at around 25 degrees and made up of 5 or 6 concentric rings each between 17 metres and 20 metres wide. Each of these rings is able to rotate independently in either direction around a static centre island at mean tangential speeds of up to 15 metres/per second.

Snowdome

Typically, adjacent rings would rotate in the same direction and be separated by a static or stationary ring, the remaining rings would rotate in the opposite direction. This arrangement spreads skiers and snowboarders across the whole width of the disc on both sides of the central zone leading to high levels of utilisation.

The SnowVolution concept of a snowdome represents a significant improvement over existing static ski slopes. Typical skiing time is greatly increased because there is no end to the skiing surface. Equally, many more skiers can be accommodated on the skiing surface adding greatly to revenues.

The SnowVolution design and engineering concepts are patented in all major World markets and 'SnowVolution' is registered as a Trade Mark and as a Domain Name. The SnowVolution intellectual property and product available for licensing comprises of six principal interdependent components:

* The SnowVolution Machine Specification
* The Architectural Schema
* Lighting, Visual and Multi-Media Specification
* Snow Management and Retention Systems
* Above Snow Environmental Management
* SnowVolution Operational Management and Procedures

The SnowVolution design and engineering concepts will remain under the control of SnowVolution Ltd in respect of any franchise or licensing arrangements entered into with developers or operators.

--morehttp://www.attractiondubai.com/theme-parks/dubai-snowdome.html--

Canadian temperature conversion ;)

+15° C = Vancouverites try to turn on the heat. Manitobans plant gardens.



+10° C = Victorians shiver uncontrollably. Winnipeggers sunbathe.



+5° C = Italian cars won't start. Winnipeggers drive with the windows down.



0° C = Distilled water freezes. Winnipeg's water gets thicker.



-5° C = Torontonians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Manitobans throw on a T-shirt.



-15° C = Quebecers begin to evacuate the province. Manitobans go swimming.



-20° C = Toronto landlords finally turn up the heat. Manitobans have the last cook-out before it gets cold.



-25° C = People in Vancouver cease to exist. Manitobans lick flagpoles.



-30° C = Calgarians fly away to Mexico. Manitobans throw on a light jacket.



-40° C = Hamilton disintegrates. Manitobans rent some videos.



-50° C = Mt. St. Helen's freezes. Manitoban Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes Winnipeg until it gets cold enough.


-60° C = Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Manitoba Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door-to-door.



-80° C = Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Winnipeggers pull down their earflaps.



-100° C = Ethyl alcohol freezes. Manitobans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.



-200° C = Microbial life survives on dairy products. Manitoba cows complain of farmers with cold hands.



-300° C = ALL atomic motion stops. Manitobans start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"



-400° C = Hell freezes over. The Winnipeg Blue Bombers win the Grey Cup.

lol


CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'




St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?!'

A Dog's Purpose...

a dogs purpose

Monday, November 19, 2018

Flower Dogs - ( puppious flowerious)

Flower Dogs
Flower Dogs
Flower Dogs
Flower Dogs

Dog's Pet Peeves About Humans!

1. When you push me away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A DOG !!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my butt on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet....

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters... Have you noticed the fur? Sheesh!

11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home!

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

Follow the link and "Escape!"

This one will drive you nuts!!

The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.

If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal.

It's been said that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes.

Give it a try!! Click here.

READ THIS VERY SLOWLY. . . IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.

From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible. How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you? How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television? I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday."

She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together. Because North Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect! We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college. Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord. My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker.

If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy. Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you. Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply? When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow."

And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"? When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

Drive Thru Sperm Bank

Sperm Bank

tasteless, I know... well not TASTELESS, LOL

I'm waiting...

from Nigeria