Jeff Foxworthy on Saskatchewan!

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Saskatchewan. 

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Regina is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Saskatchewan. 

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in Saskatchewan. 

 If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year, you might live in Saskatchewan. 

 If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Saskatchewan. 

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Saskatchewan. 

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Saskatchewan.

 YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE SASKATCHEWANIAN WHEN! 

1. "Vacation" means going South past Estevan for the weekend. 

2. You measure distance in hours. 

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. 

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again. 

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 

6. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 

7. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 

8. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 

9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. 

10. Down South to you means Portal. 

11. Your 1st. of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 

12. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 

13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." But it is still t-shirt weather 

14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward this post to all your Saskatchewan friends.

Light humour for your busy day...

PIANO TUNER - A man appeared at a woman's front door and announced: "Madam, I'm the piano tuner." "I didn't send for a tuner," the piano-playing lady said. "I know, lady," the man replied. Your neighbor did." 

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait. 

TOURIST: (to farmer): Lived here all your life? FARMER: Not yet. 

At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." 

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." 

 Out of the Mouths of Babes . . . A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." 

What would you get if you crossed a comedian and a spiritualist? A happy medium.

The office party group shot.

Look at the picture before you read the caption at the bottom. It's that awkward moment... ...when you realize that your friend's fat arm makes you look naked in the office party photo.

*Thanks, DW

OUTLIVE Homophobia

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for The Rainbow Health Coalition Website

FATHER OF THE YEAR

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints." DAMN, I WISH I COULD THINK THAT FAST!

GHOST SEX

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. 

Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. 

Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?' Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

*Thanks, Dwight

How many facts can be considered minute?

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?) 

 No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. 

'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'. (Are you doubting this?) 

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. 

The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet. (if you took a typing class, I'm sure you know this) 

 The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right Or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.) 

 There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': Tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not possibly doubting this, are you ?) 

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u) 

 TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using The letters only on one row of the keyboard. (most typist know this) 

 A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. 

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds . (Some days that's about what my memory span is.) 

 A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. 

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. 

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too.!) 

 Almonds are a member of the peach family. 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that also. Actually I know A LOT of people like this!) 

 Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. 

 February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. 

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. 

If the population of China walked past you, 8 people wide, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. 

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. 

 Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite! 

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. 

 The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. 

The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. 

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.) 

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. 

 There are more chickens than people in the world. 

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. 

Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Now you know teice as much as you did before!

*Thanks, Dwight

OUTLIVE Homophobia

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for The Rainbow Health Coalition Website

Friends are like panties...

*Thanks, Dw

Acts 2:38......

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.) 

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. 

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

*Thanks, Dwight

OUTLIVE Homophobia

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for OUT Saskatoon's Website

A Really BIG Post!

This afternoon's posts are some of my reader's and my favourites. Enjoy!

What Goes On When You Sleep...

"The Fly Story"


Click above to watch the story.

I'm Super, Thanks for asking...


Big Gay Al
Click above to hear the song. This one will open your Media player.

The Ultimate Tooth Whitener On A Budget!


Click above to find out more!

Strip Tease

Click above to watch him take it all off!

A Saskatchewan Taste Treat!



Chocolate Covered Grasshoppers

Ingredients:
baker's chocolate
candied crickets

Directions:
Melt baker's chocolate in double boiler.
Fill molds halfway with chocolate, add grasshoppers, fill rest of the way.

A tasty surprise in every one!

What Do You Think Caused Your Heterosexuality?


Click above to find out why you are heterosexual
and what can be done to help you recover.

biarn teirwsts

1) The Elder Twin

One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How come?

2) Manhole Covers

Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for prospective employees.

3) The Deadly Party

A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

4) Trouble with Sons

A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

5) The Man in the Bar

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

This puzzle has claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out.

Click here for the answers.

Very Punny

A man tried to phone the King of the Jungle.

All he got was a recorded message saying, "All the lions are busy right now. Please try later."



A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."



Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.



Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Warning

There has been an increased rate of robbery using handguns in Canada. I warn you that some people may find this picture too graphic. DO NOT click here if you are weak of mind.

100 Reasons To Be Gay

In celebration of the mirth it caused I thought I’d share it with you all. Aren’t I kind ? If you’re on a random joke list then you might have seen it before, but the oldies are always the best (unless you’re lucky enough to pull some young chicken) and we say share and share alike (unless its an STD).

So, here are 100 reasons to be gay. How many can you own up to ?
Click here.

Parking

While living in Denver, the weather forecaster said to expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight and advised people to park on the right side of the road so the streets could be plowed. 

Willie’s wife ran out and parked on the right side. The next week, the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, and the forecaster advised people to park on the left side of the road. Willie’s wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. 

The following week, the weather forecaster said 16 inches of snow was expected, and just as they were advising people where to park... the lights went out and all their power was lost. 

Willie’s wife said, "My goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!” Willie said.

What Do You Think Caused Your Heterosexuality?

 Click above to find out why you are heterosexual and what can be done to help you recover.

OUTLIVE Homophobia

OUTLIVE HOMOPHOBIA. Click here for The Rainbow Health Coalition Website.

Let's hope this happens to all of us!

98 years old and no enemies - human interest story All women should live so long as to be this kind of old lady! Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ' How many of you have forgiven your enemies? ' 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. 'Mrs. Neely?'; ' Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? ' I don't have any. 'She replied, smiling sweetly. 'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? ' 'Ninety-eight, 'she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. 'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world? ' The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, ' I outlived the bitches..

The Ultimate Snowman

Any fool with a pair of mittens can construct a passable facsimile of a human out of powdered frozen vapour, but it takes a true Picasso of precipitation to create a frosty masterwork. 

Follow these tips to create a snow sculpture that will endure forever, unless the temperature rises even slightly: 

• Stack ‘em High: While traditional snowmen are comprised of three snowy spheroids stacked in ascending size for a more stable base and welcoming maternal curves, there’s no reason to stop there. Continue adding snowballs until your snowman is a gently tapering caterpillar towering gingerly into lower orbit—then decorate its face using a remote-controlled helicopter. 

• Don’t Mess with a Classic: Carrot noses were introduced in the 1600s to ridicule Guy Fawkes, a famous waster of then-precious vegetables. Keep his legacy alive today by shoving a carrot into your snowman’s face. If unavailable due to rabbit plagues or juicing fads, just steal a pylon from your nearest miniature village. 

• Attain Anatomical Accuracy: Keep your snowman’s proportions frighteningly human by having a friend volunteer to act as an armature for you to pack snow onto. He belongs to winter now.

There be DRAGONS!

ROOOAAARR!! Beware it's subtle, but inevitable betrayal. These metal figures are hand made using spare metal parts and in the likeness of some of our favorite characters. They add an element of blue collar class to any desk or book shelf. (H = 5 1/2 inches, W = 3 inches, D = 6 1/2 inches)

LEARN WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No 

No = Yes 

Maybe = No 

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry 

We need = I want 

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. 

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later 

We need to talk = I need to complain 

 Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to 

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! 

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot 

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? 

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs 

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house 

I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper 

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! 

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep 

Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive 

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like 

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV 

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful 

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me 

I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important 

Cuckoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the pinche cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. 

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. 

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! 

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit,", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."