This is what happens when Daddy is in charge of dressing Jr.

 

 

Johnny in the hospital

Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said, 

"Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do"

Johnny said "I haven't got da fingers."

"What do you mean, you haven"t got da fingers? Lord t'undrin Jesus its 2006! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?"

Johnny says...(Are you ready for this?????)

Remember this is a Newfie...

"How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up??"

A Capella Christmas Songs - PENTATONIX (A.K.A. "PTX") - Amazing sound!

 

PENTATONIX performs a lot more than just Christmas songs...
but these will renew your enjoyment of the classic carols, to say the least.
There is a link to their Official Site at the end of this post.

Their modern take on the carols along with A Capella is a feast for your ears!

100% Wizard of 'OZ' APPROVED!

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen



Little Drummer Boy - Pentatonix



Up On A Housetop – Pentatonix



The First Noel – Pentatonix



Joy To The World – Pentatonix



Silent Night – Pentatonix



Winter Wonderland/Don’t Worry, Be Happy – Pentatonix



Angels We Have Heard On High – Pentatonix



Carol Of The Bells – Pentatonix

Click above for PENTATONIX's Official Site, Logo © PENTATONIX

Twelve Reasons to Smile

 

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.



Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.




I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.



How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America?




A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"



I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!




When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."




Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.




Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!




Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?



Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.




Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

World's Best Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" 

The girl said, "NO!" 

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had sex with whomever she pleased..... She did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many boyfriends, saved more money, had all the hot water to herself, never had pubic hairs under the toilet seat lid, She watched chick flicks, never had football on, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked good in sweat pants and shirt, and burped, swore, and farted all the time.

THE END

Facebook

Well it's been a couple of weeks since The Wizard has ceased using Facebook. I really don't miss it and it was getting so full of scam ads that I felt the value of Facebook diminished to the point of being more of an annoyance than actual fun. Scrolling thru post after post of these scam adds, adding my LOL icon to them so hopefully people would not click on the ads to buy the latest tech gadget for under $50, for example. Filled with just so much crap, the original point of Facebook has been lost. Prove me wrong!

So long Facebook, you've been a slice

LOL

"Google" Easter Eggs

 

Click above to play!

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

Why was 4 scared to ask out 5?

Because 4 was 2².

I asked my wife when her birthday was.

She said March 1st.

So I walked around the room and asked again.  



1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

3. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

5. If it's electronic, get a new one... or consult a twelve year old.

6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning the switch or just paint over it.

7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.

9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.



Duck #1: "Quack."

Duck #2: "Quack."

Duck #3: "Quack, Quack."

Duck #1 takes out a gun and shoots Duck #3.

Duck #2: "Why did you shoot him?"

Duck #1: "He knew too much."

You might not know this... but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in... but you can see right through them

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.

I just finished candy shopping for Halloween.

That’s when the 55 and over seniors in golf carts show up for trick or treat, in my community.

They will have there choice of: Prilosec; Pepto, Zyrtec, Mylanta, or the ever popular, Gas-X. 

Why do gourmet cooks stock on on herbs and spices in the fall?

Because they're seasonal. 

I went to the doctor to see if he can help me to stop smoking .

He suggested that every time I felt like smoking I should reach for a chocolate bar.

It didn't work, because no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the chocolate bar to light. 

I tried to sue a company that sold an expensive camera that wouldn’t focus.

There was no resolution. 

A real estate agent was showing a woman through a beautiful room at the top of a large hotel.

"Now in this wing we have the master bedroom, bath, and den."

The woman interrupted suspiciously, "And den what?

Parking Space

A lady was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place, I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up sex and vodka."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

She looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

unrelated picture, but I thought it was funny...

Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.

If he can cash it, he can spend it."

"Address the ball? I can't even see the ball!"

The Law of Physics States it's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard. A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are. That's why I get so many calls to play with friends. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.

If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse). It takes longer to learn good golf than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs, and fart if you are performing brain surgery.

World's oldest condom

 

The oldest surviving condom in the world has gone on display in an Austrian museum. The reusable condom dates back to 1640 and is completely intact, as is its orginal users' manual, written in Latin. The manual suggests that users immerse the condom in warm milk prior to its use to avoid diseases. The antique, found in Lund in Sweden, is made of pig intestine and is one of 250 ancient objects related to sex on display at the Tirolean County Museum in Austria.

From The Emerald City

In response to my discovering that 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow was too wide for people with older monitors, or have lower resolutions than I counted on, I have made 'OZ' 15 % less in terms of width. Note that there are still black bands on the left an right of the blog. This is to allow my viewers some freedom, to zoom in/out as they may have set for viewing all web pages. I hope that your viewing experience is better now. I will change the size in a few years when people have increased the size of their monitors. I am assuming any replacements made today will result in a wider monitor, so this all be actually moot, but I did receive some feedback regarding the width issues. 

Thanks and Happy Viewing!

The Wizard

Spike wrote world's funniest gag

A professor investigating the psychology of humour says Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke. Five years ago, Prof Richard Wiseman did an online experiment in which 300,000 people from around the world voted for the best gag. Prof Wiseman now says the winner was almost certainly written by Milligan during his Goon Show days. 

The joke runs as follows: Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?' 

Prof Wiseman explained: "There is some very rare footage from 1951 showing the Goons in their first TV appearance. Just by chance I saw it on a documentary and saw a version of the very same joke."  

The script reads: Michael Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there. Peter Sellers: Oh, is he dead? Bentine: I think so. Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure? Bentine: All right. Just a minute. Sound of two gun shots. Bentine: He's dead. "It is very rare to be able to track down the origin of any joke but this is an exception," said Prof Wiseman.

R.I.P. Anne Rice (1941 - 2021)

Anne Rice, the gothic novelist widely known for her bestselling novel Interview with the Vampire, died late Saturday at the age of 80.

Rice died due to complications from a stroke, her son Christopher Rice announced on her Facebook page and his Twitter page.

Why You Shouldn't Take Kids to the Zoo

 

Inner Peace

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. 

Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. 

So, I looked around my house to see things I started and had not finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates. 

You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this post on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.

Sylvester catches Tweety

Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety...(wait for it. It's worth it)... then scroll down...

This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?

0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - you probably can't read this anyway. So why bother?
1-2 min - the equivalent of the average house plant
2-5 min - Good afternoon Mr Trump
5 min-1 hr - Dead people score in this range
1hr plus - congratulations. You have a negative IQ. To find out what your prize is, watch bugs until he finishes his carrot...

From the Emerald City

I strive to make my blog entertaining and easy reading - no fuss no muss. I was running a virtual machine the other day and I decided to look at 'OZ'. I noticed that with the best resolution available, to view 'OZ' I either had to scroll horizontally or zoom out to 90%. I am hoping that most folks out there have wide screen monitors, but if you don't, can you please let me know if you need to scroll left/right or change your zoom? Put your note in the comments below. Blogger is supposed to auto size but there may be something wrong with my template. I put padding on the left and right of the main blog to allow for people that use a 4:3 resolution rather than a 16:9.

Note if you are the first to comment you need to click on the No Comments link at the bottom of this post. 

Thanks and Happy Viewing!

The Wizard

The Test

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why she would ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, is delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

CEO of IKEA becomes Prime Minister of Sweden

 

R.I.P. Michael Nesmith (1942 - 2021)

Michael Nesmith, a singer/guitarist for the Monkees, has died. He was 78.

"I’m heartbroken," bandmate Micky Dolenz told Fox News in a statement on Friday.  "I’ve lost a dear friend and partner. I’m so grateful that we could spend the last couple of months together doing what we loved best – singing, laughing, and doing shtick. I’ll miss it all so much. Especially the shtick. Rest in peace, Nez. All my love, Mick."

The star passed away on Friday from natural causes, Rolling Stone reported.