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Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Rip Van Winkle

by Washington Irving
Rip Van Winkle by Washinton Irving
WHOEVER has made a voyage up the Hudson must remember the Kaatskill mountains. They are a dismembered branch of the great Appalachian family, and are seen away to the west of the river, swelling up to a noble height, and lording it over the surrounding country. Every change of season, every change of weather, indeed, every hour of the day, produces some change in the magical hues and shapes of these mountains, and they are regarded by all the good wives, far and near, as perfect barometers. When the weather is fair and settled, they are clothed in blue and purple, and print their bold outlines on the clear evening sky; but, sometimes, when the rest of the landscape is cloudless, they will gather a hood of gray vapors about their summits, which, in the last rays of the setting sun, will glow and light up like a crown of glory.

At the foot of these fairy mountains, the voyager may have descried the light smoke curling up from a village, whose shingle-roofs gleam among the trees, just where the blue tints of the upland melt away into the fresh green of the nearer landscape. It is a little village, of great antiquity, having been founded by some of the Dutch colonists in the early times of the province, just about the beginning of the government of the good Peter Stuyvesant, (may he rest in peace!) and there were some of the houses of the original settlers standing within a few years, built of small yellow bricks brought from Holland, having latticed windows and gable fronts, surmounted with weathercocks.

In that same village, and in one of these very houses (which, to tell the precise truth, was sadly time-worn and weather-beaten), there lived, many years since, while the country was yet a province of Great Britain, a simple, good-natured fellow, of the name of Rip Van Winkle. He was a descendant of the Van Winkles who figured so gallantly in the chivalrous days of Peter Stuyvesant, and accompanied him to the siege of Fort Christina. He inherited, however, but little of the martial character of his ancestors. I have observed that he was a simple, good-natured man; he was, moreover, a kind neighbor, and an obedient, hen-pecked husband. Indeed, to the latter circumstance might be owing that meekness of spirit which gained him such universal popularity; for those men are most apt to be obsequious and conciliating abroad, who are under the discipline of shrews at home. Their tempers, doubtless, are rendered pliant and malleable in the fiery furnace of domestic tribulation; and a curtain lecture is worth all the sermons in the world for teaching the virtues of patience and long-suffering. A termagant wife may, therefore, in some respects, be considered a tolerable blessing; and if so, Rip Van Winkle was thrice blessed.

Certain it is, that he was a great favorite among all the good wives of the village, who, as usual, with the amiable sex, took his part in all family squabbles; and never failed, whenever they talked those matters over in their evening gossipings, to lay all the blame on Dame Van Winkle. The children of the village, too, would shout with joy whenever he approached. He assisted at their sports, made their playthings, taught them to fly kites and shoot marbles, and told them long stories of ghosts, witches, and Indians. Whenever he went dodging about the village, he was surrounded by a troop of them, hanging on his skirts, clambering on his back, and playing a thousand tricks on him with impunity; and not a dog would bark at him throughout the neighborhood.

The great error in Rip's composition was an insuperable aversion to all kinds of profitable labor. It could not be from the want of assiduity or perseverance; for he would sit on a wet rock, with a rod as long and heavy as a Tartar's lance, and fish all day without a murmur, even though he should not be encouraged by a single nibble. He would carry a fowling-piece on his shoulder for hours together, trudging through woods and swamps, and up hill and down dale, to shoot a few squirrels or wild pigeons. He would never refuse to assist a neighbor even in the roughest toil, and was a foremost man at all country frolics for husking Indian corn, or building stone-fences; the women of the village, too, used to employ him to run their errands, and to do such little odd jobs as their less obliging husbands would not do for them. In a word Rip was ready to attend to anybody's business but his own; but as to doing family duty, and keeping his farm in order, he found it impossible

In fact, he declared it was of no use to work on his farm; it was the most pestilent little piece of ground in the whole country; every thing about it went wrong, and would go wrong, in spite of him. His fences were continually falling to pieces; his cow would either go astray, or get among the cabbages; weeds were sure to grow quicker in his fields than anywhere else; the rain always made a point of setting in just as he had some out-door work to do; so that though his patrimonial estate had dwindled away under his management, acre by acre, until there was little more left than a mere patch of Indian corn and potatoes, yet it was the worst conditioned farm in the neighborhood.

His children, too, were as ragged and wild as if they belonged to nobody. His son Rip, an urchin begotten in his own likeness, promised to inherit the habits, with the old clothes of his father. He was generally seen trooping like a colt at his mother's heels, equipped in a pair of his father's cast-off galligaskins, which he had much ado to hold up with one hand, as a fine lady does her train in bad weather.

Rip Van Winkle, however, was one of those happy mortals, of foolish, well-oiled dispositions, who take the world easy, eat white bread or brown, whichever can be got with least thought or trouble, and would rather starve on a penny than work for a pound. If left to himself, he would have whistled life away in perfect contentment; but his wife kept continually dinning in his ears about his idleness, his carelessness, and the ruin he was bringing on his family. Morning, noon, and night, her tongue was incessantly going, and everything he said or did was sure to produce a torrent of household eloquence. Rip had but one way of replying to all lectures of the kind, and that, by frequent use, had grown into a habit. He shrugged his shoulders, shook his head, cast up his eyes, but said nothing. This, however, always provoked a fresh volley from his wife; so that he was fain to draw off his forces, and take to the outside of the house—the only side which, in truth, belongs to a hen-pecked husband.

Rip's sole domestic adherent was his dog Wolf, who was as much hen-pecked as his master; for Dame Van Winkle regarded them as companions in idleness, and even looked upon Wolf with an evil eye, as the cause of his master's going so often astray. True it is, in all points of spirit befitting an honorable dog, he was as courageous an animal as ever scoured the woods; but what courage can withstand the ever-during and all-besetting terrors of a woman's tongue? The moment Wolf entered the house his crest fell, his tail dropped to the ground, or curled between his legs, he sneaked about with a gallows air, casting many a sidelong glance at Dame Van Winkle, and at the least flourish of a broomstick or ladle, he would run to the door with yelping precipitation.

Times grew worse and worse with Rip Van Winkle as years of matrimony rolled on; a tart temper never mellows with age, and a sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use. For a long while he used to console himself, when driven from home, by frequenting a kind of perpetual club of the sages, philosophers, and other idle personages of the village; which held its sessions on a bench before a small inn, designated by a rubicund portrait of His Majesty George the Third. Here they used to sit in the shade through a long lazy summer's day, talking listlessly over village gossip, or telling endless sleepy stories about nothing. But it would have been worth any statesman's money to have heard the profound discussions that sometimes took place, when by chance an old newspaper fell into their hands from some passing traveller. How solemnly they would listen to the contents, as drawled out by Derrick Van Bummel, the schoolmaster, a dapper learned little man, who was not to be daunted by the most gigantic word in the dictionary; and how sagely they would deliberate upon public events some months after they had taken place.

The opinions of this junto were completely controlled by Nicholas Vedder, a patriarch of the village, and landlord of the inn, at the door of which he took his seat from morning till night, just moving sufficiently to avoid the sun and keep in the shade of a large tree; so that the neighbors could tell the hour by his movements as accurately as by a sun-dial. It is true he was rarely heard to speak, but smoked his pipe incessantly. His adherents, however (for every great man has his adherents), perfectly understood him, and knew how to gather his opinions. When any thing that was read or related displeased him, he was observed to smoke his pipe vehemently; and to send forth short, frequent and angry puffs; but when pleased, he would inhale the smoke slowly and tranquilly, and emit it in light and placid clouds; and sometimes, taking the pipe from his mouth, and letting the fragrant vapor curl about his nose, would gravely nod his head in token of perfect approbation.

From even this stronghold the unlucky Rip was at length routed by his termagant wife, who would suddenly break in upon the tranquility of the assemblage and call the members all to naught; nor was that august personage, Nicholas Vedder himself, sacred from the daring tongue of this terrible virago, who charged him outright with encouraging her husband in habits of idleness.

Poor Rip was at last reduced almost to despair; and his only alternative, to escape from the labor of the farm and clamor of his wife, was to take gun in hand and stroll away into the woods. Here he would sometimes seat himself at the foot of a tree, and share the contents of his wallet with Wolf, with whom he sympathized as a fellow-sufferer in persecution. "Poor Wolf," he would say, "thy mistress leads thee a dog's life of it; but never mind, my lad, whilst I live thou shalt never want a friend to stand by thee!" Wolf would wag his tail, look wistfully in his master's face, and if dogs can feel pity I verily believe he reciprocated the sentiment with all his heart.

In a long ramble of the kind on a fine autumnal day, Rip had unconsciously scrambled to one of the highest parts of the Kaatskill mountains. He was after his favorite sport of squirrel shooting, and the still solitudes had echoed and re-echoed with the reports of his gun. Panting and fatigued, he threw himself, late in the afternoon, on a green knoll, covered with mountain herbage, that crowned the brow of a precipice. From an opening between the trees he could overlook all the lower country for many a mile of rich woodland. He saw at a distance the lordly Hudson, far, far below him, moving on its silent but majestic course, with the reflection of a purple cloud, or the sail of a lagging bark, here and there sleeping on its glassy bosom, and at last losing itself in the blue highlands.

On the other side he looked down into a deep mountain glen, wild, lonely, and shagged, the bottom filled with fragments from the impending cliffs, and scarcely lighted by the reflected rays of the setting sun. For some time Rip lay musing on this scene; evening was gradually advancing; the mountains began to throw their long blue shadows over the valleys; he saw that it would be dark long before he could reach the village, and he heaved a heavy sigh when he thought of encountering the terrors of Dame Van Winkle.

As he was about to descend, he heard a voice from a distance, hallooing, "Rip Van Winkle! Rip Van Winkle!" He looked round, but could see nothing but a crow winging its solitary flight across the mountain. He thought his fancy must have deceived him, and turned again to descend, when he heard the same cry ring through the still evening air; "Rip Van Winkle! Rip Van Winkle!"—at the same time Wolf bristled up his back, and giving a low growl, skulked to his master's side, looking fearfully down into the glen. Rip now felt a vague apprehension stealing over him; he looked anxiously in the same direction, and perceived a strange figure slowly toiling up the rocks, and bending under the weight of something he carried on his back. He was surprised to see any human being in this lonely and unfrequented place; but supposing it to be some one of the neighborhood in need of his assistance, he hastened down to yield it.

On nearer approach he was still more surprised at the singularity of the stranger's appearance. He was a short square-built old fellow, with thick bushy hair, and a grizzled beard. His dress was of the antique Dutch fashion—a cloth jerkin strapped round the waist—several pair of breeches, the outer one of ample volume, decorated with rows of buttons down the sides, and bunches at the knees. He bore on his shoulder a stout keg, that seemed full of liquor, and made signs for Rip to approach and assist him with the load. Though rather shy and distrustful of this new acquaintance, Rip complied with his usual alacrity; and mutually relieving one another, they clambered up a narrow gully, apparently the dry bed of a mountain torrent. As they ascended, Rip every now and then heard long rolling peals, like distant thunder, that seemed to issue out of a deep ravine, or rather cleft, between lofty rocks, toward which their rugged path conducted. He paused for an instant, but supposing it to be the muttering of one of those transient thunder-showers which often take place in mountain heights, he proceeded. Passing through the ravine, they came to a hollow, like a small amphitheatre, surrounded by perpendicular precipices, over the brinks of which impending trees shot their branches, so that you only caught glimpses of the azure sky and the bright evening cloud. During the whole time Rip and his companion had labored on in silence; for though the former marvelled greatly what could be the object of carrying a keg of liquor up this wild mountain, yet there was something strange and incomprehensible about the unknown, that inspired awe and checked familiarity.

On entering the amphitheatre, new objects of wonder presented themselves. On a level spot in the centre was a company of odd-looking personages playing at nine-pins. They were dressed in a quaint outlandish fashion; some wore short doublets, others jerkins, with long knives in their belts, and most of them had enormous breeches, of similar style with that of the guide's. Their visages, too, were peculiar: one had a large beard, broad face, and small piggish eyes: the face of another seemed to consist entirely of nose, and was surmounted by a white sugar-loaf hat, set off with a little red cock's tail. They all had beards, of various shapes and colors. There was one who seemed to be the commander. He was a stout old gentleman, with a weather-beaten countenance; he wore a laced doublet, broad belt and hanger, high crowned hat and feather, red stockings, and high-heeled shoes, with roses in them. The whole group reminded Rip of the figures in an old Flemish painting, in the parlor of Dominie Van Shaick, the village parson, and which had been brought over from Holland at the time of the settlement.

What seemed particularly odd to Rip was, that though these folks were evidently amusing themselves, yet they maintained the gravest faces, the most mysterious silence, and were, withal, the most melancholy party of pleasure he had ever witnessed. Nothing interrupted the stillness of the scene but the noise of the balls, which, whenever they were rolled, echoed along the mountains like rumbling peals of thunder.

As Rip and his companion approached them, they suddenly desisted from their play, and stared at him with such fixed, statue-like gaze, and such strange, uncouth, lack-lustre countenances, that his heart turned within him, and his knees smote together. His companion now emptied the contents of the keg into large flagons; and made signs to him to wait upon the company. He obeyed with fear and trembling; they quaffed the liquor in profound silence, and then returned to their game.

By degrees Rip's awe and apprehension subsided. He even ventured, when no eye was fixed upon him, to taste the beverage, which he found had much of the flavor of excellent Hollands. He was naturally a thirsty soul, and was soon tempted to repeat the draught. One taste provoked another; and he reiterated his visits to the flagon so often that at length his senses were overpowered, his eyes swam in his head, his head gradually declined, and he fell into a deep sleep.

On waking, he found himself on the green knoll whence he had first seen the old man of the glen. He rubbed his eyes—it was a bright sunny morning. The birds were hopping and twittering among the bushes, and the eagle was wheeling aloft, and breasting the pure mountain breeze. "Surely," thought Rip, "I have not slept here all night." He recalled the occurances before he fell asleep. The strange man with a keg of liquor—the mountain ravine—the wild retreat among the rocks—the woe-begone party at ninepins—the flagon—"Oh! that flagon! that wicked flagon!" thought Rip,—"what excuse shall I make to Dame Van Winkle!"

He looked round for his gun, but in place of the clean, well-oiled fowling-piece, he found an old firelock lying by him, the barrel incrusted with rust, the lock falling off, and the stock worm-eaten. He now suspected that the grave roisters of the mountain had put a trick upon him, and, having dosed him with liquor, had robbed him of his gun. Wolf, too, had disappeared, but he might have strayed away after a squirrel or partridge. He whistled after him and shouted his name, but all in vain; the echoes repeated his whistle and shout, but no dog was to be seen.

He determined to revisit the scene of the last evening's gambol, and if he met with any of the party, to demand his dog and gun. As he rose to walk, he found himself stiff in the joints, and wanting in his usual activity. "These mountain beds do not agree with me," thought Rip, "and if this frolic should lay me up with a fit of the rheumatism, I shall have a blessed time with Dame Van Winkle." With some difficulty he got down into the glen: he found the gully up which he and his companion had ascended the preceding evening; but to his astonishment a mountain stream was now foaming down it, leaping from rock to rock, and filling the glen with babbling murmurs. He, however, made shift to scramble up its sides, working his toilsome way through thickets of birch, sassafras, and witch-hazel, and sometimes tripped up or entangled by the wild grapevines that twisted their coils or tendrils from tree to tree, and spread a kind of network in his path.

At length he reached to where the ravine had opened through the cliffs to the amphitheatre; but no traces of such opening remained. The rocks presented a high impenetrable wall over which the torrent came tumbling in a sheet of feathery foam, and fell into a broad deep basin, black from the shadows of the surrounding forest. Here, then, poor Rip was brought to a stand. He again called and whistled after his dog; he was only answered by the cawing of a flock of idle crows, sporting high in air about a dry tree that overhung a sunny precipice; and who, secure in their elevation, seemed to look down and scoff at the poor man's perplexities. What was to be done? the morning was passing away, and Rip felt famished for want of his breakfast. He grieved to give up his dog and gun; he dreaded to meet his wife; but it would not do to starve among the mountains. He shook his head, shouldered the rusty firelock, and, with a heart full of trouble and anxiety, turned his steps homeward.

As he approached the village he met a number of people, but none whom he knew, which somewhat surprised him, for he had thought himself acquainted with every one in the country round. Their dress, too, was of a different fashion from that to which he was accustomed. They all stared at him with equal marks of surprise, and whenever they cast their eyes upon him, invariably stroked their chins. The constant recurrence of this gesture induced Rip, involuntarily, to do the same, when, to his astonishment, he found his beard had grown a foot long!

He had now entered the skirts of the village. A troop of strange children ran at his heels, hooting after him, and pointing at his gray beard. The dogs, too, not one of which he recognized for an old acquaintance, barked at him as he passed. The very village was altered; it was larger and more populous. There were rows of houses which he had never seen before, and those which had been his familiar haunts had disappeared. Strange names were over the doors—strange faces at the windows—every thing was strange. His mind now misgave him; he began to doubt whether both he and the world around him were not bewitched. Surely this was his native village which he had left but the day before. There stood the Kaatskill mountains—there ran the silver Hudson at a distance—there was every hill and dale precisely as it had always been. Rip was sorely perplexed. "That flagon last night," thought he, "has addled my poor head sadly!"

It was with some difficulty that he found his way to his own house, which he approached with silent awe, expecting every moment to hear the shrill voice of Dame Van Winkle. He found the house gone to decay—the roof fallen in, the windows shattered, and the doors off the hinges. A half-starved dog that looked like Wolf was sulking about it. Rip called him by name, but the cur snarled, showed his teeth, and passed on. This was an unkind cut indeed. "My very dog," sighed poor Rip, "has forgotten me!"

He entered the house, which, to tell the truth, Dame Van Winkle had always kept in neat order. It was empty, forlorn, and apparently abandoned. This desolateness overcame all his connubial fears—he called loudly for his wife and children—the lonely chambers rang for a moment with his voice, and then all again was silence.

He now hurried forth, and hastened to his old resort, the village inn—but it too was gone. A large rickety wooden building stood in its place, with great gaping windows, some of them broken and mended with old hats and petticoats, and over the door was painted, "The Union Hotel, by Jonathan Doolittle." Instead of the great tree that used to shelter the quiet little Dutch inn of yore, there now was reared a tall naked pole, with something on the top that looked like a red night-cap, and from it was fluttering a flag, on which was a singular assemblage of stars and stripes;—all this was strange and incomprehensible. He recognized on the sign, however, the ruby face of King George, under which he had smoked so many a peaceful pipe; but even this was singularly metamorphosed. The red coat was changed for one of blue and buff, a sword was held in the hand instead of a sceptre, the head was decorated with a cocked hat, and underneath was painted in large characters, GENERAL WASHINGTON.

There was, as usual, a crowd of folk about the door, but none that Rip recollected. The very character of the people seemed changed. There was a busy, bustling, disputatious tone about it, instead of the accustomed phlegm and drowsy tranquillity. He looked in vain for the sage Nicholas Vedder, with his broad face, double chin, and fair long pipe, uttering clouds of tobacco-smoke instead of idle speeches; or Van Bummel, the schoolmaster doling forth the contents of an ancient newspaper. In place of these, a lean, bilious-looking fellow, with his pockets full of handbills, was haranguing vehemently about rights of citizens—elections—members of congress—liberty—Bunker's Hill—heroes of seventy-six—and other words, which were a perfect Babylonish jargon to the bewildered Van Winkle.

The appearance of Rip, with his long grizzled beard, his rusty fowling-piece, his uncouth dress, and an army of women and children at his heels, soon attracted the attention of the tavern-politicians. They crowded around him, eyeing him from head to foot with great curiosity. The orator bustled up to him, and, drawing him partly aside, inquired "On which side he voted?" Rip stared in vacant stupidity. Another short but busy little fellow pulled him by the arm, and, rising on tiptoe, inquired in his ear, "Whether he was Federal or Democrat?" Rip was equally at a loss to comprehend the question; when a knowing, self-important old gentleman, in a sharp cocked hat, made his way through the crowd, putting them to the right and left with his elbows as he passed, and planting himself before Van Winkle, with one arm akimbo, the other resting on his cane, his keen eyes and sharp hat penetrating, as it were, into his very soul, demanded in an austere tone, "What brought him to the election with a gun on his shoulder, and a mob at his heels, and whether he meant to breed a riot in the village?"—"Alas! gentlemen," cried Rip, somewhat dismayed, "I am a poor quiet man, a native of the place, and a loyal subject of the King, God bless him!"

Here a general shout burst from the by-standers—"A tory! a tory! a spy! a refugee! hustle him! away with him!" It was with great difficulty that the self-important man in the cocked hat restored order; and, having assumed a tenfold austerity of brow, demanded again of the unknown culprit, what he came there for, and whom he was seeking? The poor man humbly assured him that he meant no harm, but merely came there in search of some of his neighbors, who used to keep about the tavern.

"Well—who are they—name them."

Rip bethought himself a moment, and inquired, "Where's Nicholas Vedder?"

There was a silence for a little while, when an old man replied, in a thin piping voice, "Nicholas Vedder! why, he is dead and gone these eighteen years! There was a wooden tombstone in the church-yard that used to tell all about him, but that's rotten and gone too."

"Where's Brom Dutcher?"

"Oh, he went off to the army in the beginning of the war; some say he was killed at the storming of Stony Point—others say he was drowned in a squall at the foot of Antony's Nose. I don't know—he never came back again."

"Where's Van Bummel, the schoolmaster?"

"He went off to the wars too, was a great militia general, and is now in congress."

Rip's heart died away at hearing of these sad changes in his home and friends, and finding himself thus alone in the world. Every answer puzzled him too, by treating of such enormous lapses of time, and of matters which he could not understand: war—congress—Stony Point;—he had no courage to ask after any more friends, but cried out in despair, "Does nobody here know Rip Van Winkle?"

"Oh, Rip Van Winkle!" exclaimed two or three, "oh, to be sure! that's Rip Van Winkle yonder, leaning against the tree."

Rip looked, and beheld a precise counterpart of himself, as he went up to the mountain: apparently as lazy, and certainly as ragged. The poor fellow was now completely confounded. He doubted his own identity, and whether he was himself or another man. In the midst of his bewilderment, the man in the cocked hat demanded who he was, and what was his name?

"God knows," exclaimed he, at his wit's end; "I'm not myself—I'm somebody else—that's me yonder—no—that's somebody else got into my shoes—I was myself last night, but I fell asleep on the mountain, and they've changed my gun, and every thing's changed, and I'm changed, and I can't tell what's my name, or who I am!"

The by-standers began now to look at each other, nod, wink significantly, and tap their fingers against their foreheads. There was a whisper, also, about securing the gun, and keeping the old fellow from doing mischief, at the very suggestion of which the self-important man in the cocked hat retired with some precipitation. At this critical moment a fresh comely woman pressed through the throng to get a peep at the gray-bearded man. She had a chubby child in her arms, which, frightened at his looks, began to cry. "Hush, Rip," cried she, "hush, you little fool; the old man won't hurt you." The name of the child, the air of the mother, the tone of her voice, all awakened a train of recollections in his mind. "What is your name, my good woman?" asked he.

"Judith Gardenier."

"And your father's name?"

"Ah, poor man, Rip Van Winkle was his name, but it's twenty years since he went away from home with his gun, and never has been heard of since,—his dog came home without him; but whether he shot himself, or was carried away by the Indians, nobody can tell. I was then but a little girl."

Rip had but one question more to ask; but he put it with a faltering voice:

"Where's your mother?"

Oh, she too had died but a short time since; she broke a blood-vessel in a fit of passion at a New-England peddler.

There was a drop of comfort, at least, in this intelligence. The honest man could contain himself no longer. He caught his daughter and her child in his arms. "I'm your father!" cried he—"Young Rip Van Winkle once—old Rip Van Winkle now!—Does nobody know poor Rip Van Winkle?"

All stood amazed, until an old woman, tottering out from among the crowd, put her hand to her brow, and peering under it in his face for a moment, exclaimed, "Sure enough! it is Rip Van Winkle—it is himself! Welcome home again, old neighbor. Why, where have you been these twenty long years?"

Rip's story was soon told, for the whole twenty years had been to him but as one night. The neighbors stared when they heard it; some were seen to wink at each other, and put their tongues in their cheeks: and the self-important man in the cocked hat, who, when the alarm was over, had returned to the field, screwed down the corners of his mouth, and shook his head—upon which there was a general shaking of the head throughout the assemblage.

It was determined, however, to take the opinion of old Peter Vanderdonk, who was seen slowly advancing up the road. He was a descendant of the historian of that name, who wrote one of the earliest accounts of the province. Peter was the most ancient inhabitant of the village, and well versed in all the wonderful events and traditions of the neighborhood. He recollected Rip at once, and corroborated his story in the most satisfactory manner. He assured the company that it was a fact, handed down from his ancestor the historian, that the Kaatskill mountains had always been haunted by strange beings. That it was affirmed that the great Hendrick Hudson, the first discoverer of the river and country, kept a kind of vigil there every twenty years, with his crew of the Half-moon; being permitted in this way to revisit the scenes of his enterprise, and keep a guardian eye upon the river, and the great city called by his name. That his father had once seen them in their old Dutch dresses playing at nine-pins in a hollow of the mountain; and that he himself had heard, one summer afternoon, the sound of their balls, like distant peals of thunder.

To make a long story short, the company broke up, and returned to the more important concerns of the election. Rip's daughter took him home to live with her; she had a snug, well-furnished house, and a stout cheery farmer for a husband, whom Rip recollected for one of the urchins that used to climb upon his back. As to Rip's son and heir, who was the ditto of himself, seen leaning against the tree, he was employed to work on the farm; but evinced an hereditary disposition to attend to anything else but his business.

Rip now resumed his old walks and habits; he soon found many of his former cronies, though all rather the worse for the wear and tear of time; and preferred making friends among the rising generation, with whom he soon grew into great favor.

Having nothing to do at home, and being arrived at that happy age when a man can be idle with impunity, he took his place once more on the bench at the inn door, and was reverenced as one of the patriarchs of the village, and a chronicle of the old times "before the war." It was some time before he could get into the regular track of gossip, or could be made to comprehend the strange events that had taken place during his torpor. How that there had been a revolutionary war,—that the country had thrown off the yoke of old England,—and that, instead of being a subject of his Majesty George the Third, he was now a free citizen of the United States. Rip, in fact, was no politician; the changes of states and empires made but little impression on him; but there was one species of despotism under which he had long groaned, and that was—petticoat government. Happily that was at an end; he had got his neck out of the yoke of matrimony, and could go in and out whenever he pleased, without dreading the tyranny of Dame Van Winkle. Whenever her name was mentioned, however, he shook his head, shrugged his shoulders, and cast up his eyes; which might pass either for an expression of resignation to his fate, or joy at his deliverance.

He used to tell his story to every stranger that arrived at Mr. Doolittle's hotel. He was observed, at first, to vary on some points every time he told it, which was, doubtless, owing to his having so recently awaked. It at last settled down precisely to the tale I have related, and not a man, woman, or child in the neighborhood, but knew it by heart. Some always pretended to doubt the reality of it, and insisted that Rip had been out of his head, and that this was one point on which he always remained flighty. The old Dutch inhabitants, however, almost universally gave it full credit. Even to this day they never hear a thunderstorm of a summer afternoon about the Kaatskill, but they say Hendrick Hudson and his crew are at their game of ninepins; and it is a common wish of all hen-pecked husbands in the neighborhood, when life hangs heavy on their hands, that they might have a quieting draught out of Rip Van Winkle's flagon.

Strange stories, weird facts

AD 1478 The Spanish conquer the Canary Islands. The native inhabitants, the Guanches committ suicide rather than submit to foreign domination.

AD 1541 Paracelsus dies. During his life, he discovered zinc, and was the first to identify hydrogen. His fame as an alchemist was so great that his tomb in Salzberg was opened because of rumors of great treasures and alchemical secrets buried with him. However nothing was found in the coffin. His famous sword, whose hilt contained the so-called 'Philosopher's Stone', also had vanished without a trace.

AD 1548 In Palermo, Sicily, a giant skeleton, reputed to be thirty feet in length, is discovered.

AD 1550 In Palermo, Sicily, two more giant skeletons are discovered, one thirty-three feet long, and a smaller one, thirty feet long.

AD 1561 (Apr) The early morning sky over Nuremburg, Germany is filled with over two hundred cylindrical UFOs, spheres and spinning disks.

AD 1594 Pope Clement ends Church opposition to coffee when he baptises it. 'We will not let coffee remains the property of Satan, for as Christians, our power is greater than Satan's.'

AD 1666 (Aug) A strange fiery ball of light is observed in a clear, sunny sky over Robozero, Russia, by villagers coming out of church.



AD 1681 In Illinois, Father Marquette, the Jesuit explorer, writes in his journals of discoveries on the Mississippi River of large petroglyphs of creatures which looked like pterodactyls, flying reptiles of the Age of Dinosaurs. According to the Indians, they represent monsters which ate the Indians ancestors hundreds of years ago.

AD 1698 Along the Mississippi River in Illinois Father Hennepin, the discoverer of Niagara Falls, writes his journals about the petroglyphs that Father Marquette described earlier. The Illinois Indians tell him of monsters, called Piasa, which would periodically attack their tribe and carry off hapless people. The two petroglyphs are visible until about 1856, when the State Prison at Alton begins quarrying the limestone which holds the carvings.

AD 1705 In Valencia, Spain, a twenty-two foot long skeleton is discovered, and the thigh bone is preserved. Another skeleton is found, the skull of which is reputed to be big enough to hold a bushel of corn.

AD 1725 In Northern Tibet, Father Duparc discovers the ruins of Hsing Nu, and describes some of the ruined temples and monoliths that he found there. This city is of indeterminate age, but may well be prehistoric.

AD 1753 Portuguese bandits discover - and pillage - ancient ruins including a temple, walls and caves that had once been inhabited in the Brazilian province of Bahia.

AD 1790 In Ohio, no less than 100 abandoned hills crowned with stone fortifications are discovered. Similar fortifications are discovered in Georgia and Tennessee.

AD 1799 The Rosetta Stone is discovered Napoleon's army in Rashid, or Rosetta, Egypt. This stone provided the key to the oldest and most difficult Egyptian writing system, hieroglyphics. The usefulness of the Rosetta Stone was in the repetition of text in three writing systems: hieroglyphics; demotic script, a later form of hiero-glyphics that was used in everyday documents "for the people," as its name means; and ancient Greek.
Bodies of mammoths, prehistoric elephant-like beasts are found in the Siberian tundra, in the regions of present permafrost. The bodies are perfectly preserved, and sledge dogs eat the flesh without any ill effects. The flesh proves to be firm and marbled with fat and appears as fresh as well-frozen beef, proving that these animals must have died instantaneously and frozen within minutes of their deaths. Additional proof comes with the discovery of remains of buttercups, plants that grow hundreds of miles to the south, in their mouths and stomachs. Years later, radiocarbon dating will prove that these animals died about 9,000 years ago.

AD 1803 The Academy of Sciences in Paris determines that meteorites are stones falling from space.
(Sep) Convicted of theft and murder of a policemen, Joseph Samuels is convicted and sentenced to hang. After three unsuccessful attempts whereby the rope broke each time, he was returned to his cell. Later, another man was found to be guilty and condemned to death by hanging. This time, the execution was successful on the first try.

AD 1816 (06 Jun) A frost lasting three days kills crops in northern North America, with snow falling to depths of eighteen to twenty inches in northern New England.
(Jul) Another frost kills off replanted crops in New England. (20 Aug) Temperatures drop again in New England, with frost as far south as northern Connecticut. No explanation for this bizarre weather has ever been forthcoming.

AD 1817 In Herculaneum, Missouri, two humanlike footprints are found in a quarry. They appear to be made by a person not used to wearing shoes, with feet 10.5 inches long, 4 inches wide across the toes and 2.5 inches across the heel.

AD 1820 In Circleville, Ohio, an intact iron furnace is discovered containing the remains of a plate and a dagger of unknown age.

AD 1828 In Sparta, in White County, Tennessee, several burying grounds are discovered containing the remains of extremely small people. The tallest of the wee folk discovered is 19 inches. The story is reported in Harper's Magazine in July 1869, and was also reported a work published in 1853, "The Romance of Natural History" which also refers to diminutive sarcophagi.

AD 1829 (Nov) In Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, a block of marble is removed from a quarry, and is found to contain an indentation with raised letters "I" and "U". It is unknown who carved these letters.

AD 1832 Captain John Symmes of the US Navy petitions Congress to allow him to attempt to sail a small fleet of ships to the North Pole to search for what he calls the 'Symmes Hole' which he believes will give him egress to the inside of the crust of the planet. With Congressional approval, the secretaries of the Navy and the Treasury order three ships to be outfitted for the venture. Only the intervention of President Jackson stops the effort.


(Nov) In Coosawattee Old Town, in Murray County Georgia, two silver crosses are found in a burial mound. Indian relics are also found, but the crofters of the crosses are unknown. The crosses bear strange designs including the head of a horse - which was unknown on the North American continent at that time, although NOT in prehistoric times.

AD 1838 George Grey, exploring the Australian outback in the area around the Glenelg River, discovers paintings of figures in a cave. These figures are shown wearing tunics and cowls, items which the aborigines do not wear.

AD 1840 In Jersey County, Illinois, Professor John Russell explores caves in which innumerable human bones litter the floor. Professor Russell states that the bones offer mute testimony to the truth of the AmerIndians' story of the Piasa, and it's craving for human flesh.

AD 1843 (05 Jan) Near the Connecticut River in Connecticut, a coin is found, apparently copper, and about half the thickness of a penny, with writing which is indecipherable.

AD 1848 (03 Mar) Human remains are found in a cave on the Rock of Gibraltar. These later prove to be the first Neanderthal remains ever found, although they won't be identified as such for many years.

AD 1850 A Frenchman named Angrand discovers Choquequirau, an former Inca stronghold.

AD 1851 (Jun) At Meeting House Hill, in Dorchester, Massachusetts, a metallic vessel, about 4.5" high by 6.6" at the base and 2.5" at the top is found when "an immense stone" is blasted out of the bedrock.
(24 Dec) In California, Mr. Hiram Dewitt discovers an iron nail embedded in a piece of auriferous quartz. When he accidentally drops the mineral ore, the nail with a perfect head is found inside. Sir David Brewster makes a report to the British Association for the Advancement of Science about a block of stone from Kingoodie Quarry in northern Britain in which was found a piece of manufactured nail, including the head. Because of the great age of the geological strata of this find, the nail's maker remains a mystery.

AD 1854 In Northern Tibet, the French explorer, Latour visits Hsing Nu and discovers tombs, weapons, copper vessels and silver and gold necklaces adorned with swastikas and spirals.

AD 1856 The first remains of Neanderthal Man are found in a gravel pit in the Neander Valley of Germany. At first they are believed to be the remains of a congenital idiot, but after further remains are discovered, they are realized to be those of an extinct human species.

AD 1860 In Castenedolo, Italy, Professor Ragazzoni, an expert geologist and teacher at the Technical Institute at Brescia, finds the fragmentary vault of a human skull in a deposit of coralline stratum of the Pleistocene glaciation, circa ten million years old.

AD 1863 At the Arno River, Italy while constructing the railroad southward from Arezzo, a trench over fifty feet deep had to be dug. It was during this excavation that the Olmo skull was unearthed. The skull lay at a depth of nearly fifty feet beneath the surface in a deposit that had been formed in the floor of an ancient lake. The blue clay in which the skull was found was determined to be older Pleistocene deposits.

AD 1864 At Holly Oak, Delaware, a 5.5 inch piece of whelk shell bearing the distinct carving of a mammoth is found in a peat bog in this town north of Wilmington. Core samples taken of this area indicate an age of between 80,000 and 100,000 years before the present.

AD 1868 (Jun) Hiriam McGee, while prospecting for gold in the Antelope Hills of Wyoming, discovers a large boulder which he mistakes for an emerald. It later turns out to be nephrite jade, when McGee returns to retrieve the rest of the boulder and search for more, he can't find the valley where his adventure started.

AD 1869 (17 Dec) In Wellsville, Ohio, a group of miners, digging in a coal bank, come upon a slate wall containing several lines of indecipherable hieroglyphics. The lines in slate are reversed, possibly because the pieces of coal contain the hieroglyphics as well, only indented to the wall's raised letters.

AD 1870 Cyrus Read founds the Hollow Earth Society, succeeding in attracting thousands of members.

AD 1872 (Nov) The brigantine "Mary Celeste" leaves New York harbor for Genoa, Italy.


(02 Dec) The brigantine, "Mary Celeste", is seen off the coast of Europe, apparently proceeding normally on its way.
(04 Dec) The "Mary Celeste" is found floating adrift and unmanned off of the Azores in the Atlantic Ocean. Its crew of twelve and the captain's family are never heard from again.

AD 1873 (27 Mar) In the Dardanelles, a Mr. Frank Calvert discovers what he regards as conclusive evidence of the existence of Man in the Miocene Period. Among his finds is a fragment of bone from either a Dinotherium or a Mastodon on which has been carved the figure of a horned quadruped.

AD 1874 (04 Apr) In Wildon, North Carolina, a veritable catacomb of skeletal remains is found when workmen open a way for the railroad between Wildon and Garrysberg. According to a contemporary newspaper account, the bodies exhumed "were of a strange and remarkable formation", the skulls being nearly an inch in thickness, and the teeth being filed sharp, as those of cannibals, with the enamel perfectly preserved. The femur was as long as the leg of an ordinary man.

AD 1876 In Parkersburg, West Virginia, a large stone was taken from the hillside four miles north of the city, on the West Virginia side of the Ohio River, which contained the imprint of a human foot, some fourteen inches in length.

AD 1877 (Jul) Four prospectors near Eureka, Nevada discover gigantic human remains in the hills of Spring Valley. They chip out leg and foot bones encased in quartzite. In life, the person who had once walked the earth was obviously huge, from knee to heel, the bone spanned 39 inches long. No other trace of the ancient giant was ever found.

AD 1879 (05 Dec) In Milton, in Sullivan County, Missouri, a silver and iron death-mask is found by a farmer while plowing his field.

AD 1880 Dr. Otto Hahn, a prominent German geologist, claims to have discovered fossils of corals in several meteorites taken from a fall discovered near Knyahinya in Hungary. These fossils were examined by Dr. D.F. Weinlander, a well-known zoologist, who agreed that the evidence were indeed once-living creatures. This gives evidence of an "extraterrestrial body which seems to have been overtaken by a great catastrophe." At Castenedolo, a friend of Professor Ragazzoni's, excavating in the same pit in which the professor found the cranial fragments, found the scattered skeletal remains of two children. Later, the skeleton of a woman is found within the same stratum.

AD 1882 (22 Jul) At Mt. Pisgah, North Carolina, objects are found, consisting of partly human, partly animal in either full or bas-relief. Some are utensils, and they appear to have been made with metal instruments.
(17 Nov) At Carson, Nevada, some "supposed human footprints" are found in sandstone in a quarry in Nevada State Prison.

AD 1883 Over four hundred cigar-shaped and disk-shaped objects are seen moving across the sun in Zacatecas, Mexico At Castendolo, Professor Sergi, an anthropologist, examines the fossil remains found by Professor Ragazzoni at Brescia and pronounces them as two children and a woman of modern type.

AD 1885 At Voecklabruck, Isador Braun discovers a small (67mm x 47mm) steel cube when a block of coal is broken open from a seam being worked and could have only have gotten there before the coal beds were laid down, tens of millions of years ago. A deep incision runs around it, and the edges are rounded on two faces, indicating human manufacture. Analysis shows its composition resembles nickel-carbon steel, a manufactured substance. Most authorities that examine the object declare that it must be of artificial nature, but cannot agree as to its origin. The object rests in the Salzburg Museum until 1910, when it disappears.

AD 1886 (14 Jan) In Lexington, Kentucky, a massive stone wall is unearthed by men working in a rock quarry. It is thirty feet below the surface of the surrounding soil, and shows evidence of being constructed by skilled masons.

AD 1887 (Jul) In Eureka, Nevada, four men searching for gold come upon a large bone, reportedly human, in the Spring Valley.
(Aug) Two children are found in Spain coming from a Spanish cave. They are reported to have slanted eyes, green skin and speak a totally unknown language. One child, a boy, soon dies, but the other, a girl eventually learns Spanish and tells a story about being transported from a country which was always in twilight. Who these children were and where they came from is never determined. The Galveston, Texas Daily News reports the discovery of a wrecked ship of unusual design. Little remains of the description, save that the width of the stern is about fifteen feet, and "is composed of solid oak beams laid crosswise over each other, secured with iron spikes." The ship is believed to be possibly Roman of unknown age.

AD 1888 At Bat Creek, Loudon County, in Tennessee, a small, dark stone, about the size of a Hershey Bar is found in a grave with lettering in ancient Hebrew, which, when translated reads:" for the land of Judah" or possibly "for the Judeans", and below is added, "the year 1". The location of the stone indicates that it was buried with the bodies, and not disturbed until its discovery. The find was turned over to the Smithsonian Institution.

AD 1891 (Mar) In Bradley County, Tennessee, Mr. J.H. Hooper noticed what appeared to be a headstone on a wooded ridge on his farm. He dug around the stone expecting to see the dates and "rest in peace", but found it to be covered in unknown characters in an indecipherable language. Digging deeper, he found other stones that formed a wall about two feet thick, eight feet high and about sixteen feet long, covered with the letters, arranged in wavy, nearly parallel lines. The wall was traced and found to go on for nearly a thousand feet. The stone is a dark-red sandstone of unknown age.


(09 Jun) At Morrisonville, Illinois, a length of chain is found when a large lump of coal is broken open.

AD 1895 (Jul) A party of miners working near Bridalveil Falls in California, find the remains of a woman whose skeletal remains indicated that she had stood some six feet, eight inches in height. G.F. Martindale, in charge of the miners, noticed a pile of stones that had been shaped and fitted together. When his men removed these blocks, thinking they had stumbled on buried treasure, they found the mummified remains of a woman who was wrapped in furs, and covered with a fine gray powder. She was clutching a child to her breast.
At Crittenden, Arizona, a sarcophagus is reportedly found containing the remains of a person three meters long and having six toes on each foot.

AD 1897 (27 Mar) Two hundred people, including the governor of Kansas see a large object flying over Topeka, Kansas. "I don't know what the thing is, but I hope it may yet solve the railroad problem."
(02 Apr) At Webster City, Iowa, a peculiar piece of rock was removed from the Lehigh Coal Mine. The slab was found just under the sandstone, which was 130' beneath the surface. The tablet was two feet by one foot by four inches thick, and artistically carved with diamond-shaped squares, each with the face of an old man in the square. The features of each portrait are identical, with each bearing a strange mark in the shape of a dent in the forehead.
(19 Apr) A cigar-shaped object, believed to be a spaceship, crashes into the home of Judge J.S. Proctor in Aurora, Texas. The pilot, described as a 'little man', is killed in the crash and buried in the local cemetery. Over the years, the exact location of the grave is lost to memory.
(20 Apr) Alexander Hamilton, a LeRoy, Kansas farmer, claims to have seen a U.F.O. hovering over his cow pasture at a height of 30' with his son and a farmhand. Within it, the farmer and his companions seen "the strangest beings [that he] ever saw". He also claimed that it lassoed one of his cattle and hauled it into the ship. The next day, the remains of the calf were recovered from a nearby farm, legs, head and skin. Should Hamilton's credibility be questioned, it must be pointed out that he was a member of the House of Representatives, and people who knew him for thirty years never heard a word of his questioned.
(Apr) At Elysian Park, a collection of fossilized imprints are found cut out of a rock at least seventy feet above the bottom of a little canyon by workers who are making a deep cut for a new wagon road. The fossils include ferns, leaves, twigs, a fish and what appears to be a boot print from a shoe of normal size.

At Alicante, Spain, a limestone bust some 21 inches in height is discovered. Believed to be a local divinity, it comes to be known as "the Lady of Elche", and has a clear resemblance to certain well-known finds in Columbia and Honduras.

AD 1900 (Easter) Off the island of Antikythera, Greece, a sponge diver brings up a misshapen bronze curiosity which will in 1958, be discovered to be a computer designed to plot the movements of the sun, moon Earth and planets. The find is described as amazing as "a jet plane in the tomb of King Tut".

(20 Oct) Although gynecology is virtually unknown at this time, surgical instruments as sophisticated as those in use after the Second World War are found in the ruins of the Temple of the Vestal Virgins in the destroyed city of Pompeii.

AD 1902 (28 Oct) The steamship Fort Salisbury encounters a metallic structure in the Gulf of Guinea off the west coast of Africa. As the officers and crew watch, the vessel sank beneath the waves.

AD 1908 (30 Jun) An explosion as powerful as a hydrogen bomb rocks Siberia. There is nothing to account for it. In 1927, when Soviet scientists found the site, they claimed there was no evidence that a meteor had struck. Almost eighty years later, scientists determined that the explosion was made by either a bolide, a type of meteor that exploded in the atmosphere, or a comet, whose resulting blast wave leveled the Russian forest.

AD 1911 Hiram Bingham discovers Machu Picchu, a former Inca stronghold, high in the Andes mountains.

AD 1912 (04 May) The New York Times reports of a find of gigantic humans made while excavating a mound at Lake Delevan, Wisconsin. According to the news account, eighteen skeletons are found in one large mound at a Lake Lawn farm.
At Thomas, Oklahoma, two employees of the Municipal Electric Plant use a sledge to break up a chunk of coal too large for the furnace. An iron pot topples out from the center of the lump, leaving an impression in the coal. The coal had been mined near Wilberton, Oklahoma.

AD 1913 (9 Feb) Strange flying objects are seen traveling horizontally in groups, more slowly than meteorites, by farmers and astronomers in Canada, Bermuda, Brazil and Africa. Astronomer W.F. Denning reported seeing lighted windows in one of them.



AD 1920 At Bear Creek, Montana, in a coal mine known as Eagle No.3 two enormous molars are reportedly found. It is claimed that they are three times the size of normal human teeth, and had been found in deposits at least thirty million years old.

AD 1921 At Harappa, India, an ancient city is discovered whose inhabitants enjoy a city as well laid out as any in Twentieth Century Europe.

AD 1924 (13 Sep) Charles Manier finds artifacts northwest of Tucson, Arizona which indicate that Roman explorers may have been in that part of the world. The artifacts,, including sixty-two crosses, daggers, batons, spears and sword-like weapons are made of lead and encrusted in caliche - a sheet of hard, crusty material that 'grows' due to a reaction of chemicals and water in desert soils over many years. There were such heavy deposits of caliche that archaeologists determined that the objects dated between AD 560 and 800.
At Glozel, France, archaeologists find a collection of bricks and inscribed tablets, two paring knives, two small axes and two stones bearing inscriptions that have been shown to date from 10,000 to 15,000 years ago.
At Hava Supal Canyon, northern, Arizona, the Boheny Scientific Expedition discovers a rock carving that looks amazingly like a Tyrannosaurus.
At Big Sandy River, Oregon, a rock image is discovered which looks like an extinct Stegosaurus, which died out long before the appearance of Man on this planet.

AD 1926 (07 Nov) At Billings, Montana, fossil hunter Dr. J.C. Siegfriedt, in the coal beds of the Bear Creek fields, found a human tooth, the enamel of which had turned to carbon and the lime in the roots to iron. The tooth, examined by local dentists, was declared to be the second molar of a human being.

AD 1927 (25 Jan) In Nevada, a shoe sole that was fossilized in Triassic limestone was found, placing man back in the time of the giant reptiles.

At Istanbul, Turkey, a collection of maps is found in the Topkapu museum in the Turkish capital which, although only five hundred years old, shows both coastlines of the Atlantic Ocean as they were some 10,000 years ago. Also shown are the three islands that make up the present-day Greenland, and the interior features of North and South America, as well as mountains in Antarctica not discovered until 1952. According to notations on the map, it had been drawn by Piri Reis, the Grand Admiral of the Turkish fleet in 1513. The map, according to the admiral, had been drawn from information supplied by one of Columbus' sailors, as well as maps dating back to the time of Alexander the Great.

AD 1928 (Sep) Dr. Marcel Baudoin, a French archeologist discovers a block of quartzite in the Havre-de-Vie estuary weighing some three thousand pounds and covered by supposedly Celtic carvings of a man's head surrounded by cups, the imprints of human feet and horses' hooves. He dates the cravings at BC 5000.
At Lexington, Kentucky, a medallion from 15th Century Rimini, an Italian city-state, is found by a man cultivating his vegetable garden. The medallion is dated AD 1446, and refers to the "Lady Isotta of Rimini."
At Heavener, Atlas Almon Mathis, working in coal mine No.5, two miles north of Heavener, Oklahoma is sent to one of the lower levels, reputed to be almost two miles deep. After blasting an outcropping of coal loose, he came upon several concrete blocks blown loose from the wall. The blocks are 12" cubes, smooth and polished on the outside. When the walls cave in, he discovers a whole section of wall made up of these blocks. About 100 to 150 yards further down the shaft, another miner strikes the same wall, or one very similar. Upon hearing of the discovery, the mining officials pulled the miners out of the wing, and forbade the miners to speak of their discovery. The mine was closed in the fall of 1928, and the crew was sent to Kentucky. There is a rumor of a similar occurrence in mine No.24 in Wilberton, Oklahoma in or about 1926.

AD 1930 (02 Dec) In Sayopa, Sonora, Mexico, the remains of an apparent race of giants who once lived here were discovered. A mining engineer, J.E. Coker, said that laborers dug into an old cemetery where bodies of men, averaging eight feet in height are found buried tier by tier. In Berea, Kentucky, ten complete manlike footprints are found in Carboniferous sandstone. All evidence indicates that they were impressed on a sandy beach in the Pennsylvanian Period of the Paleozoic Era. They were made by a bipedal creature with size 7 1/2 EE shoes.

AD 1932 (Autumn) At White Sands, New Mexico, Ellis Wright, a government trapper, reported that he had found human tracks of unbelievable size imprinted in the gypsum rock on the west side of White Sands. At his suggestion, a party was made up to investigate, Mr. Wright serving as guide. As he reported, there were thirteen tracks crossing a narrow swag, pretty well out between the mountains and the sands. AD 1933 At Chou-kou-tien, near Peking, China, Dr. F. Weidenreich discovers a number of skulls and skeletons belonging to several races, including Caucasians, Melanesian and an Eskimo at an archaeological dig dating some 30,000 years old. There is no explanation as to how they all came to be at this site.


AD 1936 (14 Feb) The New York "Times" runs a story that a skeleton of a gigantic man, with that head missing, had been unearthed at El Boquin, on the Mico River, in the Chontales district of Nicaragua. "The ribs are a yard long, and four inches wide, and the shin bone is too heavy for one man to carry. "Chontales" is an Indian word meaning 'wild man'.

AD 1937 Further digging at Glozel, France reveals other treasures including stone implements, other rocks with inscriptions and curious vessels that look like skulls clad in space helmets. The script discovered has not been deciphered, but contains the letters C, H, I, J, K, L, O ,T ,V ,W and X.

AD 1938 At Khujut Rabu'a, Iraq, an archaeological dig under the leadership of Wilhelm Koenig discovers ancient electrochemical batteries which may have been used in an electroplating process. He describes his find in his work, "Neun Jahre Irak", published in Austria in 1940. In Terra del Feugo, South America, Dr. Julius Bird discovers a cave containing the bones of horses and men. In 1950, they will be carbon-dated and found to be 9,000 years old.

AD 1939 Archeologist Harold T. Wilkins obtains a copy of a Portuguese document entitled "Historical Account of a Well-Hidden and Ancient Habitation and its Inhabitants, Discovered 1753" describing the adventures of bandits who happened on the ruins in that year.

AD 1940 (Jun) Archaeologists Magnus Marks and Froelich Rainey discover remains of a considerable sized city at Ipiutak in the Arctic. The city appeared to be the home to as many as four thousand inhabitants and at least eight hundred dwellings. Further, artifacts found at the site indicate that the inhabitants are not related to primitive Eskimo cultures.

(15 Sep) A 22-foot cutter, the "Rockit II", crossing the Long Island Sound near Bridgeport, is almost hit by an unknown projectile, which slams into the water about one hundred yards away. Near Mohenjo-daro, India, a second Indian city is found, the roots of which may be prehistoric.

AD 1946 In the Antarctic Ocean, sediment dredged up from the ocean bottom proves that rivers on the polar landmass carried mud to the sea some ten to twelve thousand years ago. This means that the continent could not have been covered in ice at that time.

More at http://www.freerepublic.com

and now... a FUN fact:
Fart fact!

"Scary" Jokes

Jokes are meant to be enlightening, funny, and sometimes sarcastic, but do jokes have the ability to be scary? Of course they do, that is in a light humorous way of course. Scary jokes exercise their ability to be funny and use scary or frightening concepts or things to do so. Scary jokes are a great thing to throw around the cocktail party at your Halloween party, or just to share around the bonfire to add a sense of spook to your best of friends.

What do you call a motor bike belonging to a witch?
A broooooooom stick!

Was Dracula ever married?
No, he was a bat-chelor!

What do you get if you cross a vampire with Al Capone?
A fangster!

Why are skeletons usually so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin!

What do vampires gamble with?
Stake money!

What sort of group do vampires join?
A blood group!

Why do skeletons hate winter?
Because the cold goes right through them!

What do you call an old and foolish vampire?
A silly old sucker!

Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with?
The girl necks door!

What is red, sweet and bites people?
A jampire!

What is the favorite subject of young witches at school?
Spelling!

What did the vampire say after he had been to the dentist?
Fangs very much!

What happened to the werewolf who ate garlic?
His bark was worse than his bite!

What do you call a massive witch doctor?
Mumbo jumbo!

Tuesday, October 06, 2015

"From the wtf? files..."
Jagdish Grewal, Tory Candidate, Defends Therapies That Try To Turn Gay People Straight

The Canadian Press
Jagdish Grewal
A Conservative candidate in suburban Toronto is defending therapies that attempt to turn gays straight, having penned an editorial that referred to homosexuality as "unnatural behaviour" and heterosexuals as "normal."

Jagdish Grewal, running in Mississauga-Malton, wrote an editorial in the Punjabi Post earlier this year entitled, "Is it wrong for a homosexual to become a normal person?"

Grewal describes an NDP private member's bill passed in the Ontario legislature in June that removed public funding for services designed to "change or direct the sexual orientation or gender identity of a patient."

Grewal writes in the piece that some psychologists blame a "shock" during childhood for causing a person to become gay, but that the change "can be corrected."

"The political competition of today raises the question of whether any person's wish to become a normal person is wrong?" Grewal wrote in Punjabi.

"If it is a parent's right to set guidelines for their children in terms of their education, career and health, then why is it illegal for them to strengthen their natural heterosexuality?"

Grewal said in an interview Tuesday that he was attempting to educate readers about an issue in the news and lay out the positions taken by the provincial parties and psychologists. He said he did not recall the names of the psychologists he mentioned.

In the editorial, he points to the Alliance for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity, an American group that offers therapies to people who have "unwanted homosexual attractions."

"Yes, there's children who have tendencies, who are attracted," Grewal said in the interview. "If that child wants to come back or tell the parents that he wants to get out of this life, then parents should have the right to bring them back to their straight life."

Grewal's editorial does not address professional criticism of so-called reparative or conversion therapies. The Canadian Pediatric Society's position on adolescent sexual orientation states that such treatments "should not be provided because they do not work and have the potential to heighten guilt and anxiety."

High-profile Ontario Progressive Conservatives supported the private member's bill when it came to a vote.

The Conservative Party did not immediately respond to a request for comment on Grewal's views.

NDP Leader Tom Mulcair called for Grewal to be removed as a candidate.

"The homophobic statements from the CPC candidate in Mississauga-Malton are unacceptable and Stephen Harper must remove him immediately," Mulcair tweeted Tuesday afternoon.

Grewal is running against Liberal Navdeep Bains, a former MP who is also an organizer for the party in the Toronto area. Dianne Douglas, a former municipal executive assistant, is running for the NDP.

A campaign pamphlet recently spotted in the riding, with the fine print, "Authorized by the official agent for Jagdish Grewal," features a picture of Liberal Leader Justin Trudeau and Ontario Premier Kathleen Wynne at the Toronto Pride parade. The slogan reads, "Are these the priorities of your family?"

In another picture, a piece of paper is superimposed onto Bains' hand. The paper reads "Liberal priorities: Sex Education, Gay Marriage, Legalize Marijuana and Prostitution."

Grewal says the flyer is not from his campaign.

There has been opposition to the Ontario government's new sexual education curriculum from within some ethnic communities. The new content addresses sexual orientation and gender identity and homophobia. Children in Grade 1 will be taught the correct names of body parts.

Earlier this year, Wynne said she believed the federal Conservatives were using sex ed as a political wedge issue in the province in advance of the election.

Grewal says he's been getting an earful from people in the Muslim, Sikh and Hindu communities upset by the curriculum.

"There are families who are keeping their kids at home, they're not sending them to school they're so frustrated with this," said Grewal. "They don't talk about any other issues. This is their biggest issue at the time at the door."

Bains disagrees, saying people understand that a federal MP has no power to shape a provincial education plan.

"Unemployment is high, higher than the national average, youth unemployment is high and people are worried about the economy, worried about jobs," Bains said of the riding. "Those are the issues that matter."

World Air Traffic Control (in 24 hrs)

This is a 24 hour observation of the movement of all the large commercial aircraft flights in the world, condensed down to just 1 minute, 12 seconds of playing time. There is no sound on this video.

From space it looks like a bee hive of activity. With this 24-hour observation of aircraft travel on the earth's surface we get to see the daylight pattern change across the planet as the "day" progresses (and by noting where the 'sun is shining' in the northern hemisphere, across the top of the 'movie', you can estimate the time of day). The video starts at about 9PM Eastern Daylight time on the east coast of the USA and stops 24 hours later.

Each yellow dot is a plane in the air. Watch the concentration of the dots change as daylight comes and goes. You can tell where the world's wealth is located (and not located) by the concentration of planes over North America, Europe, and the eastern edge of Asia. Enjoy this unique view from outer space.

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit around here."

True Story

WHY ARE WEDDING DRESSES WHITE?


A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white!!!

Autumn

Fall

Monday, October 05, 2015

From The Shan-Man...

Ain't it the truth ...

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises. The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell. When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.


Stupid Grandparents* True story**

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay maybe in Florida where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore! They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren."

**Use of the word 'retarded' not PC. Was part of the original story so it's still in the text.


The Biker

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Winnipeg, Manitoba when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly. A reporter had watched the entire event.

The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole
life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do
you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a Canadian Soldier and a Conservative.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.


THE ENGLISHMAN & THE SCOTSMAN

An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.
Come 2 a.m., as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.

Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'"

The Scotsman is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 2 o’clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The Englishman just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And the Scotsman adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"


Here is your English lesson for the day

"Complete" or "Finished"?

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction. The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this:

"Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response:

"When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.'If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"

Chuck Out The Cliches - Gays are not all what you think!

Don't believe a word of what they write about us in the press - it's not all true you know! Even the recent trend towards positive stereotyping has got many a queen's designer briefs in a twist. I mean, there are actually gay men out there who love their chintz, their men dressed in tweeds and a full-fat plate of chips. What's more, these same people even have the nerve to grow old disgracefully without a moisturizer or plucked eye brow in sight! Bring on the crow's feet I say.

Click here to read about them. Warning. May be offensive to some readers.

The OceanMaker

After the seas have disappeared, a courageous female pilot fights against vicious sky pirates for control of the last remaining source of water: the clouds.

Theyv'e got rythym

They've got rythym....

Click Above.

Sunday, October 04, 2015

How To Tell If Your Feet Stink.

Your feet stink? Ask the cat!

and

Because I want you to get checked out
to make sure you're healthy & will be around longer ....

MEDICAL TEST:

STARE INTO THE CAT'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS

Then Scroll Down

Cat





NOW STARE IN THE PUPPY'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS ...


Dog

Scroll Down







Laughing Kitty


Your CAT SCAN and LAB TESTS are now Complete!

Sorry! - couldn't resist...

Bananas!!


After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again.

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy.

Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes.

But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school (England) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a 'cooling' fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers.. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking & Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, 'A banana a day keeps the doctor away!'

PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS
PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth.

Amazing fruit !!!

Never Assume

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'


The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Oh Shit!


"Life is short. Drink the good wine first"

Pigeon: Impossible

AWESOME STORY AND ANIMATION… LISTEN TO THE CHART (MUSIC) AT THE END… VERY WELL DONE…

This must have cost lots of money to develop.....

Saturday, October 03, 2015

Badgers, Mushrooms, and A Snake

One of The Wizard's favourites!
Badgers, Mushrooms, and a Snake. Click here

Click above

Things That Mildly Irritate Everyone Who Works In An Office

From BuzzFeed.com
angry office worker
1. Needlessly loud typing.

2. People who talk about their commute every single day even though nothing exciting has ever happened.

3. Earth-hating bellends who don’t respect the recycling bin rules.

4. Dirty teaspoons on the work surface.

5. When the coffee runs out and nobody replaces it so you just sit there falling asleep.

6. Passive-aggressive signs in the kitchen that everyone totally ignores.

7. When your colleagues actually tell you how they are when you were just being polite.

8. Being regarded as the photocopier technician because you sit near the photocopier.

9. Milk-stealing.

10. Food-stealing.

11. That tight bastard who keeps a secret stash of biscuits in their locked desk drawers.

12. Coffee breath.

13. That person who sighs loudly until you ask them what’s wrong.

14. Sniffing.

15. The twatting idiot who comes in when they’re ill and makes everyone else ill.

16. Being hungover but still having to come to the office.

17. When somebody else uses your favourite mug so you spend the day being really cold towards them and they have no idea why.

18. The person who bores you about their kids constantly.

19. Colleagues who brag about how early they get to the office, despite the fact that they’re swanning about making tea until everyone else gets there.

20. That person who laughs really loudly and then tries to make eye contact with you so you ask what they’re laughing at.

21. People who look at your screen when they stand behind you.

22. That one person who has screen protectors like they’re a spy and not a PA at a recruitment firm.

23. When someone younger than you is your boss.

24. Colleagues who reply all to emails.

25. People who forward you chain emails, which amazingly somehow still exist in 2015.

26. When you’re a young person so everyone older treats you as the IT person.

27. Passive-aggressive emails about the state of the kitchen.

28. People who put read receipts on their emails like they’re your actual mother.

29. “Let’s catch up face to face.”

30. “We’re all singing from the same hymn sheet.”

31. All ridiculous corporate jargon.

32. Meetings about meetings.

33. People who don’t put their phones on silent so the whole desk pings and vibrates whenever they get a WhatsApp notification.

34. That person who always paces up and down the office on the phone so you can hear how very important their phone conversation is.

35. Office air conditioning that is -5°C all year round so you have to wear a coat indoors in summer.

36. Colleagues who are rude to the receptionist.

37. Wannabe Michael Scotts who sit on your desk to talk to you.

38. That one person who asks you way-too-personal questions.

39. “Do you have a minute?” “Not really.” *continues talking anyway*

40. Not being able to leave work at precisely 6pm.

41. That person who always talks about their gym regime, as if anyone cares.

42. And the person who’s always on a new fad diet.

43. People talking to you when you’re eating at your desk.

44. Having to eat lunch at your desk.

45. Getting a salad for lunch because you’re being healthy, but then caving and eating four packets of crisps and three Kit Kats in the afternoon.

46. Not being sure if your headache is from too much coffee or not enough coffee.

47. So having another coffee and then feeling like you can hear colours.

48. When some asks “Going anywhere nice?” when you’re going on holiday, as if you’re going somewhere shit.

49. Lift small-talk.

50. Having to come up with a fun fact about yourself and going completely blank.

51. Being forced to go on team-building days and interact with your colleagues for a full day.

52. Enforced work drinks where everyone talks about work.

53. When people sing “Happy Birthday” to you and you don’t know where to look.

54. When somebody brings their baby in and you don’t know how to interact with babies.
Milton from "Office Space"
55. Having to donate money for a birthday present for a colleague you hate.

56. Being peer-pressured to sponsor a colleague you hate to do a sporting event.

57. Unless it’s an event where they might fall off a cliff or something.

58. When your boss uses fancy words to make bad things sound good, e.g. streamlining.

59. Middle management with ideas above their station.

60. Being made to work when it’s sunny outside.

61. Being made to work on your birthday.

62. Being made to work ever.

Your Saturday LOL...

Dancing racoon

Friday, October 02, 2015

Penguin Escape

flash game
Click here to play

Penguin Escape 
This is an addicting game!

Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women

1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.


2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.


5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.


7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.


10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.


11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.


12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.


15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

Bert is evil!

 

Bert is Evil - Click here

Click above to see the proof!

Mugshot of Bert
Bert's Mug Shot

Roger Moore - 007 with an Eyebrow!

Roger Moore's Eyebrows

KEWL! Click above. Why this exists? Only the author knows for sure...

Thursday, October 01, 2015

The Wizard is celebrating 3,000,000 Vistors to 'OZ' !!

Thank you everyone as I celebrate 3 Million visitors to 'OZ' !!
The Wizard is celebrating 3,000,000 Vistors to 'OZ' !!
As I reflect on what 3 million really means to me, I decided to post some of my thoughts.

- almost the same as the population of Uraguay

- this is a crowd of about 3 million:
3 million people


- this is what 3 million greenbacks looks like:
3 million US dollars


- this is what 3 million tents looks like:
3 Million Tents


- Pi to a 3 million decimals = roughly 387 pages arranged like this one page:
Page one of 387 pages of PI
Suffice to say it's a frikkin' lot of vistors! Thanks again!

KFC Chicken homemade?

Yep! And It's finger lickin better
Home Made KFC

Ingredients:

FLOUR MIX
2 cups plain flour
1 tsp salt & pepper
1 tsp dried basil
1 tsp ground chilli
1 tsp ground paprika
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp dried sage leaves
1 tsp dried oregano
1 tsp onion powder

EGG WASH
1 cup buttermilk
1 egg

4 large chicken breasts
Vegetable oil for frying

Dip chicken pieces into the egg wash, Drain. Place chicken in Flour Mix. Turn and gently pat the chicken into the flour. Dip in egg wash again, repeat another coating of flour mix. Pan fry at medium heat for about about three minutes on each side, then an additional two on each side to finish it off...

serves 6

Uncontacted Amazon Tribe: First ever aerial footage



Whole feature:

Poem In October - a lament to the end of summer

by Dylan Thomas

The Wizard's feet in September. Lament now October
It was my thirtieth year to heaven
Woke to my hearing from harbour and neighbour wood
And the mussel pooled and the heron
Priested shore
The morning beckon
With water praying and call of seagull and rook
And the knock of sailing boats on the net webbed wall
Myself to set foot
That second
In the still sleeping town and set forth.

My birthday began with the water-
Birds and the birds of the winged trees flying my name
Above the farms and the white horses
And I rose
In rainy autumn
And walked abroad in a shower of all my days.
High tide and the heron dived when I took the road
Over the border
And the gates
Of the town closed as the town awoke.

A springful of larks in a rolling
Cloud and the roadside bushes brimming with whistling
Blackbirds and the sun of October
Summery
On the hill's shoulder,
Here were fond climates and sweet singers suddenly
Come in the morning where I wandered and listened
To the rain wringing
Wind blow cold
In the wood faraway under me.

Pale rain over the dwindling harbour
And over the sea wet church the size of a snail
With its horns through mist and the castle
Brown as owls
But all the gardens
Of spring and summer were blooming in the tall tales
Beyond the border and under the lark full cloud.
There could I marvel
My birthday
Away but the weather turned around.

It turned away from the blithe country
And down the other air and the blue altered sky
Streamed again a wonder of summer
With apples
Pears and red currants
And I saw in the turning so clearly a child's
Forgotten mornings when he walked with his mother
Through the parables
Of sun light
And the legends of the green chapels

And the twice told fields of infancy
That his tears burned my cheeks and his heart moved in mine.
These were the woods the river and sea
Where a boy
In the listening
Summertime of the dead whispered the truth of his joy
To the trees and the stones and the fish in the tide.
And the mystery
Sang alive
Still in the water and singingbirds.

And there could I marvel my birthday
Away but the weather turned around. And the true
Joy of the long dead child sang burning
In the sun.
It was my thirtieth
Year to heaven stood there then in the summer noon
Though the town below lay leaved with October blood.
O may my heart's truth
Still be sung
On this high hill in a year's turning.

--Dylan Thomas

Wiccan Symbols

Wiccan Symbols
Wiccan Symbols

Read about The Pentacle by clicking below: