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Monday, October 05, 2015

From The Shan-Man...

Ain't it the truth ...

While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter.

'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises. The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell. When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.


Stupid Grandparents* True story**

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay maybe in Florida where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore! They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren."

**Use of the word 'retarded' not PC. Was part of the original story so it's still in the text.


The Biker

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Winnipeg, Manitoba when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly. A reporter had watched the entire event.

The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole
life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, tell me, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do
you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a Canadian Soldier and a Conservative.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.


THE ENGLISHMAN & THE SCOTSMAN

An Englishman says to his friend, the Scotsman, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants.
"I go in at well past 9 o’clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.
Come 2 a.m., as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.

Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.'"

The Scotsman is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the Scotsman books them into a restaurant and come 2 o’clock they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay.

The Englishman just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And the Scotsman adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!"


Here is your English lesson for the day

"Complete" or "Finished"?

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction. The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this:

"Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response:

"When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.'If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"

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