NEWFIE TREES

A NEWFIE NAMED ERIC IS DRIVING HOME. AFTER DOWNING A FEW AT THE LOCAL PUB. HE TURNS THE CORNER AND SEES A TREE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. HE SWERVES TO AVOID IT. HE REALIZES THERE'S ANOTHER DIRECTLY IN HIS PATH!

HE DISCOVERS HIS DRIVE HOME IS CAUSING HIM TO VEER FROM SIDE TO SIDE TO AVOID ALL THE TREES. MOMENTS LATER HE HEARS A POLICE SIREN AND STOPS HIS CAR. THE OFFICER APPROACHES HIS CAR AND ASKS HIM WHAT ON EARTH IS HE DOING. ERIC STARTS TO TELL THE STORY OF THE TREES ON THE ROAD.

THE OFFICER STOPS HIM IN MID SENTENCE AND SAYS... "FER CHRISE SAKES,ERIC, THAT'S YER AIR FRESHENER!"

*Thanks, Daryn

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

RIAA to probe Pope's iPod?

Benny 16 in illegal copying slur

The Pope has an iPod, the Catholic News Service reports. Unfortunately, they don't report whether there was a one-off interface created for His Popeliness to reflect the official language of the Vatical; Latin.

So, from my two years of in-depth Classical studies at high school (thanks Sr McManus), may I suggest the root menu should read:

Canti Picturae Addenda Ordinatonis Miracula Canti Adhuc Tibicinium

Of course, certain liberties were taken in the composition of this menu, as the ancient Romans inconsiderately failed to provide a word for "photograph" or "shuffle". So, "Miracula Canti" means "surprise songs" or possibly (and appropriately) "miraculous songs".

Back by popular demand

Click above to play the CRAZY FROG Video~6MB (WMV)

'OZ' readers have been asking about the links I posted about Crazy Frog Axel F.. so here ya go!

Download the mp3 here. ~3MB

Download the Video here.~6MB (WMV)

Are you smarter than a 4 yr old?

(This one's a bit wet)

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Wrong Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.

Correct Answer : Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer : The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

(No doubt Anderson were at the meeting with the other crocodiles -- GP)

Sperm Bank

19 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,"run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Grading Papers

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.




1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

HOW TO SAY I LOVE YOU IN 5 LANGUAGES:

English - I Love You

French - Je T'aime

Italian - Ti Amo

Chinese - Wo Ai Nin

Saskatchewan - Nice ass, get in the truck

Generate your very own silly walk

It's not often we come across something that combines two of our passions: The Web and Monty Python. But that's exactly what this site does, with the Silly Walks Generator.

Click above

Guess the song title

Click above

This will open a window and you will have to allow the powerpoint to open (Or you can save it...) Then navigate either using your scroll wheel on your mouse or you can use your scrollbars if you do not have a wheel mouse...

Click here to download the PowerPoint Viewer

For My Friends

Click above

M*A*S*H Trivia

Click above

HOOVER DAM BYPASS

CAUTION: These photos may make you a little dizzy. This could become the eigth Wonder of the World. Fantastic.

Click on any picture to view it large size

THE WIDER VIEW: Taking shape, the new bridge at the Hoover Dam


Creeping closer inch by inch, 900 feet above the mighty Colorado River, the two sides of a $160 million bridge at the Hoover Dam slowly take shape. The bridge will carry a new section of US Route 93 past the bottleneck of the old road which can be seen twisting and winding around and across the dam itself.

When complete, it will provide a new link between the states of Nevada and Arizona.

In an incredible feat of engineering, the road will be supported on the two massive concrete arches which jut out of the rock face.

The arches are made up of 53 individual sections each 24 feet long which have been cast on-site and are being lifted into place using an improvised high-wire crane strung between temporary steel pylons.

The arches will eventually measure more than 1,000 feet across.

At the moment, the structure looks like a traditional suspension bridge. But once the arches are complete, the suspending cables on each side will be removed.

Extra vertical columns will then be installed on the arches to carry the road. The bridge has become known as the Hoover Dam bypass, although it is officially called the Mike O'Callaghan-Pat Tillman Memorial Bridge, after a former governor of Nevada and an American Football player from Arizona who joined the US Army and was killed in Afghanistan.







Work on the bridge started in 2005 and should finish next year. An estimated 17,000 cars and trucks will cross it every day.

The dam was started in 1931 and used enough concrete to build a road from New York to San Francisco. The stretch of water it created, Lake Mead, is 110 miles long and took six years to fill. The original road was opened at the same time as the famous dam in 1936.




An extra note: The top of the white band of rock in Lake Mead is the old waterline prior to the drought and development in the Las Vegas area. It is over 100 feet above the current water level.

*Thanks, Gary

Canda for Haiti - Waving Flag - K'naan

'Oz' Could be Next Big Film Franchise

by Mike Ryan, Yahoo! Movies

It appears Dorothy Gale is, once again, not going to be in Kansas any more. With the "Harry Potter" franchise winding down, Warner Brothers has set their sights on building another franchise geared toward young adults based on one of the most popular films of all time, "The Wizard of Oz."

Warner Brothers has had two separate projects in development over the past year centered around wide-eyed Dorothy Gale from Kansas -- a role made iconic by Judy Garland in 1939 -- who finds herself swept off (literally) to a magical land full of eccentric creatures called Oz. The box-office take of"Alice in Wonderland" -- $133 million domestically, and counting -- makes this project seem even more attractive.

Warner Brothers' New Line division has a version of the film written by Darren Lemke -- who helped write "Shrek Forever After" -- and produced by "Twilight" producer Temple Hill.(It's only fitting that "Twilight" would somehow be connected to a potential teen hit.) This version would not have any musical numbers and would be more faithful to "Oz" author L. Frank Baum's source material.

The second version would be set closer to the present and most likely be even darker. Especially considering that it's written by Josh Olson, who is best known for writing the screenplay for the bleak Viggo Mortensen thriller, "A History of Violence."

"Oz" is tempting for Warner Brothers for quite a few reasons. First and foremost, it could possibly fill the void left when the "Harry Potter" franchise ends. "Potter," of course, attracted an audience that skewed to a younger adult crowd; the same demographic "Oz" would target.

--more--

*Thanks, Darcene

REMEMBER... Daylight Savings Time begins on Sunday March 14th!

Daylight Savings Begins For You.. Not here in Saskatoon, tho... We never change!

Hope you will enjoy your one less hour of sleep, poor stiffs!!! Put yer clock forward an hour, eh?

On August 8, 2005, President George W. Bush signed the Energy Policy Act of 2005. This Act changed the time change dates for Daylight Saving Time in the U.S. Beginning in 2007, DST is on the second Sunday of March and end the first Sunday of November. Canada followed suit, but Saskatchewan never did like ol' 'W'!!!!

Karma Is Kool!

*Thanks, Gary

ACTA Treaty: Can Seize, Destroy Your PC, Electronics

The Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement (ACTA) is a far-reaching proposal that the U.S. government has insisted was too sensitive to be exposed to the public. Now that the 44-page document (PDF) has been leaked, it's easy to see why the U.S. wanted to keep it a secret. (Source: die-linke.de)
ACTA, in its present form, is heralded by the Film and Music industries and their fight against piracy. However, if upheld, citizens will pay a heavy price for their privacy.

Gov't Can Search, Seize and Destroy Electronics
Former President George W. Bush and current President Barack Obama both favor ACTA, which is a result of countless millions of dollars in international lobbying money from the media industry.

ACTA was designed to enact the constant monitoring of everyone's online activities -- both legitimate and non-legitimate -- and gives border agents in the U.S. and other member states the power to search and seize your equipment without a warrant. Effectively, it gives these officials the power to destroy U.S. citizens' laptops, iPods or CDs if the agents suspect they might contain copyright-infringing content. (Source: dailytech.com)

The worst part about giving border patrol agents the power to search and seize your electronics is that the U.S. citizens will be paying for it without their knowledge.

U.S. Keeps ACTA Secret from Public
Surprisingly, there are only a few nations named in the treaty that support the U.S. government's intentions of keeping the terms of ACTA secret. Dutch officials 'accidently' leaked a memo from a secret ACTA negotiation meeting in Mexico detailing who supported keeping ACTA secret from citizens of member nations.
Belgium, Portugal, Germany, Denmark, South Korea and Singapore all supported keeping ACTA secret, with Denmark being the most vocal supporter of secrecy.

ACTA Secrecy Raises Questions
The Netherlands, Sweden, Finland, Ireland, Hungary, Poland, Estonia, Austria, the UK, and Japan all supported releasing ACTA details to the public. Japan and the UK were particularly vocal about transparency. Canada, Australia, and New Zealand weren't listed in the memo, but have also advocated transparency.
The U.S. fought to keep the terms of ACTA secret, and with the help of a few nations supporting secrecy, successfully prevented ACTA details from being aired. Despite their best attempts at secrecy, much information about ACTA had already been made public due the the whistleblower websites like Wikileaks.org.

Visit Bill's Links and More for more great tips, just like this one!

*Thanks, Gary

Thought for the day...

Oh... Those Irish!

"Irish Prayer"

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

"Irish Shopping"

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

"You've Been Out Drinking Again"

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

"The Reunion"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink."Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland ." "Of course," says the second.

Curious, the first asks: "Where in Ireland?" " Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course" The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you attend?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is becoming unbelievable!!!" They say in union.

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

Irish Cemetery

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."!

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, " Miles, from Dublin."

Irish Miracle

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens!" sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Irish Accident

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.

"Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm so very sorry."!

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out at least three times to pee."

Irish Predicament

Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father.."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'

Kitchen Fire!

Kitchen Fire - Read first then watch the film clip .... very important

This is something we should ALL know but don't ever discount the possibility of "Unthinking Acts".

Don't assume that everyone knows this stuff. Just forward it to everyone you know and maybe they will forward it to some one who doesn't.

I never realized that a wet dishcloth can be a one-size-fits-all lid to cover a fire in a pan!

This is a dramatic video (30-second, very short) about how to deal with a common kitchen fire... Oil in a frying pan.

Read the following Introduction, then watch the show... It's a real eye-opener!

At the Fire Fighting Training school they would demonstrate this with a deep fat fryer set on the fire field. An instructor would don a fire suit and using an 8 oz cup at the end of a 10 foot pole toss water onto the grease fire. The results got the attention of the students.

The water, being heavier than oil, sinks to the bottom where it instantly becomes superheated. The explosive force of the steam blows the burning oil up and out. On the open field, it became a thirty foot high fireball that resembled a nuclear blast.

Inside the confines of a kitchen, the fire ball hits the ceiling and fills the entire room. Also, do not throw sugar or flour on a grease fire. One cup of either creates the explosive force of two sticks of dynamite.

This is a powerful message. Watch the video and don't forget what you see.

Tell your whole family about this video. Or better yet, send this to them.


Been around before but is a good SAFETY REMINDER. Sorry, video unavailable. 

*Thanks, Danny

Send Earth Hour E-cards Today!

Send Earth Hour E-cards Today!

Show your support and help spread the word about Earth Hour by sending your friends and family free personalized eCards. Choose from three great designs.
1. Go to EarthHourCanada.org and pledge to turn out your lights for one hour on March 27, at 8:30 p.m.

2. Send your friends and family an Earth Hour e-card letting them know you are turning out your lights and challenging them to do the same!

Together we can make the lights go out across the country, sending a strong message that now is the time for action on climate change

Get instant Earth Hour updates on your BlackBerry Smartphone

Now you can get instant Earth Hour updates with WWF-Canada's new application for BlackBerry® smartphones! Get connected and share experiences leading up to and during Earth Hour. Find out in real time how people around the world are celebrating Earth Hour.

As lights go off around the world, the application will bring you global photos from the Sydney Opera House, to the Eiffel Tower, to the Lions Gate Bridge. Get connected to Earth Hour, the world’s largest environmental movement.

Did you know...

• The first scientific article linking the burning of fossil fuels to global warming was published in 1896 by Nobel Prize-winning scientist Svante Arrhenius.

• Levels of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere are higher today than at any time in measurable history.

• More than 80 per cent of global warming gas emissions come from energy production and use.

Find out how WWF is creating solutions to the most serious conservation challenge facing our planet, climate change.

Today’s Tips for making Earth Hour your own!

Here are some tips on how to celebrate Earth Hour:

• Have a romantic candlelit dinner for two.

• Play board games with your family.

• Dance under the stars!

Tips for reducing your ecological footprint!

Wash your clothes in cold water: Did you know that almost 90 per cent of the energy used to wash clothes goes into heating the water! It's easy to switch to cold water and you can save as much as $100 a year by changing to cold wash and rinse. Still not sure? Check out this great video…

Leave the car at home: Whenever possible, walk, ride your bike or take public transit instead of the car. If you do need to drive keep these tips in mind to increase your fuel efficiency:

• Drive smoothly (it can save you 37 per cent on fuel consumption).

• Stick to the speed limit (going 120 km/hr instead of 100 km/hr increases fuel consumption by 20 per cent).

• Keep your tires properly inflated (having just one tire under-inflated by 56 kPa can increase your vehicle's fuel consumption by 4 per cent).

For more tips to on reducing your footprint go to
wwf.ca/community!

Corey Haim Remembrance Montage

Take Care up there, Corey...

Rubber Gloves...

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked...

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

*Thanks, Pam

Flushed With Pride in Edmonton

*Thanks, Erwin

The difference between Potentially and Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, ‘Dad, what is the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’

The father thought for a moment, his son was a man of the modern world so he answered in a forthright way, ‘Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.’

So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would You sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!’

The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

The girl replied, ‘Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I Would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?’

The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?’

‘Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know what a million bucks would buy?’

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad..

His father asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between ‘potentially’ and ‘realistically’?’

The boy replied, ‘Yes, ‘Potentially’, you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But ‘realistically’, we’re living with two hookers and a queer.’

*Thanks, Gary

Ever Seen a New Zealand Hooker?

Click here.

To be 6 again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you dummy!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

The Wizard needs a Tylenol!

Why God made Mothers

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions.

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.


How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.


What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.


Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.


What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


Why did your Mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.


Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball..

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.


What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, & dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.


What does your Mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


What would it take to make your Mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head.

My Goldfish Died

Little Amber was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky faced youngster was doing.

He politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amber?"

"My goldfish died," replied Amber tearfully, without looking up, "And I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'

Amber patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f . . cking cat."

ahhhhCHOOOOOO!

Oh my. The return of the bird flu.

Actor Corey Haim dies at age 38

Police say hospital notified them of former ‘Lost Boys’ star’s death

Actor Corey Haim, 38, was pronounced dead at Providence Saint Joseph Medical Center in Burbank, Calif., Wednesday morning after an apparent overdose, police said.

Police learned of the death, which occurred between 4 a.m. and 4:30 a.m. Wednesday, when staff at the hospital called authorities, said Sgt. Frank Albarren of the Los Angeles Police Department's North Hollywood Station.

"It was an apparent overdose," Albarren said. "Unknown what type of medication."

The Canadian-born Haim found fame in the 1987 when he co-starred in numerous films with actor Corey Feldman, including "The Lost Boys."

*MSNBC.com

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PA Farm Show

My wife and I went to the Harrisburg, Pennsylvania Farm Show last week, and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR!"



My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year!"

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR!"



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ........You could learn a lot from him.."

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR!"



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

I looked at her and said,

"Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."



My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery after I learn to walk, talk, and eat solid food again. Thanks for your prayers!

SOME PEOPLE NEVER LEARN

*Thanks, Gary

Retirement homes getting expensive?

Senior Health Care Solution

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care or pension for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MP’s and 2 Senior Government Officials.

Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

*Thanks, Bright Eyes