Hospital Chart Bloopers

Actual entries from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

PREGNANT TURKEY

One year at Thanksgiving my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. 

She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. 

She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. 

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. 

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

The new Texas preacher

The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer.
 
One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately.

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you."

So she said come right on in.
 
He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty and he had to inform them he was the new pastor.
 

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time,
 
 so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.
 
"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"


And the preacher said.........................................
 
 
 
"Hellooooooooooo, Darlin!"

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?

(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
 
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people’s.
 
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
 
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
 
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
 
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
 
They don't say, "Hurry up."
 
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
 
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
 
They can take their teeth and gums out.
 
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
 
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".
 
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
 

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
 
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
 

A 6 year-old was aked where his Grandma lived "OH," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit , we take her back to the airport."
 
It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."

Don't get hooked by Phishing!

Below is an example of a phishing email. Click on the image for a larger picture.

PHISHING:

* is the act of tricking someone into giving them confidential information or tricking them into doing something that they normally wouldn’t do or shouldn’t do. For example: sending an e-mail to a user falsely claiming to be an established legitimate enterprise in an attempt to scam the user into surrendering private information that will be used for identity theft.

* Comes from the analogy that internet scammers are using email bait to fish for passwords and financial data from the sea of internet users. Since hackers have a tendancy of replacing "f" with "ph", the term phishing was derived. The term has evolved over the years to include not only obtaining user account details but access to all personal and financial data.

* is a form of Internet fraud that aims to steal valuable information such as credit cards, social security numbers, user IDs and passwords. A fake website is created that is similar to that of a legitimate organisation, typically a financial institution such as a bank or insurance company. An email is sent requesting that the recipient access the fake website (which will usually be a replica of a trusted site) and enter their personal details, including security access codes. ...

* Is a type of fraud whereby a criminal attempts to trick their victim into accepting a false identity presented by the criminal. The common application of this approach is to send fake emails (email spoofing) to a victim purporting to come from a legitimate source and requesting information (such as a bank account number and password) or directing the victim to a fake Internet website where this information can be captured (webpage spoofing). ...

* (also known as phising) is the practice whereby a fraudster who is pretending to be from a legitimate organisation, sends misleading emails requesting personal and financial details from unsuspecting people.

* a form of identity theft in which a scammer uses an authentic-looking e-mail to trick recipients into giving out sensitive personal information, such as a credit card, bank account or Social Insurance numbers.

* In computing, phishing is the act of attempting to fraudulently acquire sensitive information, such as passwords and credit card details, by masquerading as a trustworthy person or business with a real need for such information in a seemingly official electronic notification or message (most often an email, or an instant message). It is a form of social engineering attack.

At The Horse Sale - A Little Cowboy.....

A little cowboy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, the little cowboy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. " The little cowboy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"

 

A 70-year-old old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a cheque. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's just great...... .... Some asshole's got my pen."

 

A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave. The sailor walked up to the man and asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?" The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."

 

1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.  

OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! 

Thoughts for the day -- I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! -- When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." -- Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over? -- Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. -- My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.. -- Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. -- If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour! -- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. But Most Of All, Remember ! -- A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

Coming Out Step-by-Step

Step-By-Step  Friends Don't Let Friends Stay In The Closet

What does it mean to come out? 

Coming out is the process of personally accepting your sexuality and disclosing it to yourself, family, co-workers and friends. Coming out is different for every gay or bisexual person since there are varying degrees of sexuality (see Kinsey Scale) and the circumstances that surround our lifestyles differ. 

Coming out is a confusing time for many people. Accepting your sexuality (or coming out to yourself) can bring about a number of fears. Will your family or friends stop loving you? Will you ever get married or have children? Will you be discrimated against or made fun of? These are all valid concerns mainly rooted in the fear of the unknown; which is why many referece coming out as being reborn. 

This is an opporunity for you to look introspectively and re-evalutate who you are and who you want to be.

--more--

Spice Girls Wannabees

Harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore. She takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice?" The woman replies: "It's Keith, the midget."

*Thanks, Daryn!

The blonde and the book

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" 

"It has NO plot and far too many characters!"  

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book...

Car Shopping

One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles.
 
She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The owner replies, "Well, let's see Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"
 
The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"
 
No son, I want this color. But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you? says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
 
Ok, ready for it?????
 
 
 
 
The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"

California Dog Named World's Tallest

WOODLAND, Calif. -- A California Great Dane has been named the world's tallest dog.

Gibson stands 7 feet tall when he is upright. That's taller than most humans.

It was tall enough to land the 3-year-old a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Gibson's owner has had Great Danes for more than 20 years, and says she's never seen anything like him.

There was no word on how much he eats.

Gibson was officially named the world's tallest dog on Tuesday.

Greatest Dane - Now a Guinness record holder, Gibson retains his roots as a therapy dog
 
Gibson shows off his chops at the Meadow View Manor nursing home recently. Sandy Hall, Gibson's owner, brings the dog to the facility regularly. At 43 inches high at the shoulders, the dog has been certified by the Guinness Book of World Records as the tallest Great Dane.
 
This detail shot shows just how big a paw Gibson has.
 
Some of them stood, the weight of their bodies bolstered by the steel walkers beside their feet.

Some of them sat in wheelchairs, their eyes as big as gauze pads.
 
They scanned the glass doors recently looking out from Meadow View Manor, waiting for their own brush with fame.
 
"As soon as they hear Gibson's coming, they gather around the front door," said Maureen Betancourt, the activities director at the Grass Valley nursing home. "He's developed quite a following."

 
The world's tallest dog, as certified by the Guinness Book of World Records, Gibson stands 43 inches high at the shoulders.
 
As soon as Gibson padded in, followed by owner Sandy Hall, the small knot of white-haired men and women peeled back the years, erupting into cheers and clapping as if they'd just been visited by Artie Shaw.

Gibson and Sandy Hall call it a day as a Meadow View Manor nursing homeresident, left, escorts them down the hall.

Nurses clamored around the bookshelf-sized pooch, snapping photos with their cell phones.
 
The Grass Valley Great Dane obliged the masses like a modern-day rock star, lifting his front paw to shake hands, plant raspberries on ladies' cheeks, even plopping his 160-pound frame into 92-year-old Ruth Eddy's lap.

"He's always friendly to me. He gave me a kiss and almost took out half my cheek," Eddy cackled, patting the dog's football-sized head.
 
About the only thing Gibson didn't do was sign autographs. Seems nobody had a pen handy.
 
Since his birth three years ago, Gibson's climb to superstardom has been as fast as his growth rate.

Wherever Gibson goes, the residents will follow. Mitch Berry, left, comes out of his room for a quick visit.
 

In the past year, the Harlequin Great Dane has appeared on "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," barked on the "Mark and Brian" nationally syndicated radio program and been a guest on several Sacramento-area news programs.
 
He's also been the featured attraction at various fund-raisers supporting the building of the Golden Empire Humane Society's no-kill animal shelter on Rough and Ready Highway.
 
Told they were standing next to history on a recent Wednesday, visitors to Meadow View Manor dropped their jaws at the sight of Gibson the Great Dane.
 
"That's insane," said Eric Martin, delivering office supplies to the convalescent home Wednesday.
 
One little girl, walking up to Gibson in the parking lot, said he looked like a horse.

Gibson takes a seat in 92-year-old Ruth Eddy's lap during a recent visit.

 

"That's OK, Gibson," Hall cooed, patting Gibson's shoulders and adjusting the collar that a dog-food outlet has paid him to wear. "You've been called a lot worse."
 
Before Gibson became famous, Hall had him certified as a therapy dog for hospital patients.
 
Hall never figured Gibson would be larger than life. In fact, the dog's mother can stand upright in between Gibson's legs, Hall said.
 
Gibson eats eight to 10 cups of dry dog food a day, supplemented by lightly cooked hamburger and chicken. On special days, the Sicilian-bred Hall gives her pal bits of cheese pizza and linguini.
 
"I keep all that stuff in the freezer for him," said Hall, who worked in the home health field and moonlighted as a jazz guitarist in San Jose before moving to Nevada County a few years ago and starting a dog-breeding business.
 
The diet fortifies Gibson after long road trips either in a rented stretch limousine or in the back seat of Hall's 1961 Ford Falcon, where the dog's head bobs out one window, his tail the other.
 

 
Gibson enjoys a belly rub given by a Meadow View Manor resident during the Great Dane's visit to the facility recently.

He needs a new ride, his owner said. Pronto.
 
And so, Sandy Hall left Meadow View Manor gently imploring Gibson's fans to spread the word.
 
Bring your wallets, because Gibson's ready for his close-up.

Teapot

George was fixing the front door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Louise to the hardware store to buy one. At the hardware store Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Henry, the manager, to finish waiting on another customer. When Henry was finished, Louise asked, "How much for the teapot?" Henry replied, "That's real silver and it costs $500." "My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!" Louise exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that George had sent her to buy, and Henry went to the back room to find it. From the back room Henry yelled, "Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Louise hollered back, "No, but I will for the teapot. Louise must have been a BLONDE.

*Thaks, SalTCBug

Keep Your Fork

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal  illness and had been given three months to live.  So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.  She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing," she said excitedly.

"What's that?" came the pastor's reply.

"This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."

The pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.

"That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked.

"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.

The young woman explained.  "My grandmother once told me this story, and from there on out, I have always done so.  I have also, always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement.

'In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork'. It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming, like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!' So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?".  Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork, the best is yet to come."

The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye.

He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death.  But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did.
             
She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge.

She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand.  Over and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died.  He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her.

The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right.

So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.
             
And keep your fork.

Who would have guessed?

Requires Flash   Click above

"How Could You?"

When I was a puppy I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" - but then you'd relent and roll me over for a bellyrub.

My housetraining took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed, listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs," you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.

She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" - still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy. Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love."

As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch - because your touch was now so infrequent - and I would have defended them with my life if need be.

I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams. Together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway. There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.

Now you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family.

I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog or cat, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a goodbye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.

After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"

They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you - that you had changed your mind - that this was all a bad dream...or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited.

I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table, rubbed my ears and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.

She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"

Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself - a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. With my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not meant for her. It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever.

May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

The End

*© Jim Willis 2001

Some old, some new.... Possible Mergers to come

1. Xerox and Wurlitzer:
Joining forces to make reproductive organs.

2. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
New company expected to be called Fairwell Honeychild.

3. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:
New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.

4. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush Co. and W. R. Grace Co.
New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

5. 3M & Goodyear:
To be known as: Mmm-Good.

6. John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
New company will surely become Deere Abi.

7. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
Combining forces to become Honey, I'm Home.

8. Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
To now become Mine, All Mine

9. 3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:
New company slated to be called 3 Penney Opera

10. Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:
Will be known from now on as Poupon Pants

11. Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
Joining forces to become Knott NOW!

12. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
What else but Zip Audi Do-Da

Logic

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must Have

a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of That because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math,

English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."

A Cops worst nightmare

Streaking Old Lady

 

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. 

One leaned over and said, "Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" 

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. 

The first fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. 

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. 

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

End of the runway

NORFOLK Naval Air Station Virginia -- One of the military's largest transports got stuck at the end of a runway atop the I-564 overpass for more than 16 hours. It was unable to turn around at the West end of Chambers Field at the Norfolk Naval Station.  The incident forced the closing of the field to all but helicopter traffic and made for a dramatic sight for hundreds of motorists passing beneath it during morning rush hour.

"That thing's like a big building sitting there." said motorists. The nose of the aircraft actually stuck out and OVER the Interstate!

The aircraft's nose was so far over the end of the ramp, the crew was unable to see the runway where it was supposed to turn around so the pilot simply had to leave it at the end of the runway.  The Air Force C-5 Galaxy, largest airplane in the free world, is almost as long as a football field and as high as a six-story building.

Weighing 420 tons with a full load, it uses a system of 28 wheels to distribute its weight.  The aircraft had to wait for a specially made tow bar trucked in from Dover, Del. When the tow bar arrived, it was used to hook the C-5 to a tractor that then turned the aircraft around.  The plane was not damaged.

The female co-pilot was overheard saying to the male pilot as they exited the plane...
 

"I told you we should have stopped and asked for directions."

Laws of the Universe

These are the laws of the natural universe: (AND TRUE--bet you've experienced most, if not all of them)!!!!!!

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath/shower Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Lines:
When you walk in the grocery store, there's never anyone in the checkout line.

Inverse Hair Dryer Law:
You're sure you hear the phone ringing in the background, until you turn the hair dryer off.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theater Law:
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Natural Attraction:
If you and your date are the only two on a five-mile stretch of beach, the family of five will set up right next to you.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

MAKES CENTS

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

1975-2005 (Time check)

1975: Long hair

2005: Longing for hair


1975: KEG

2005: EKG



1975: Acid rock

2005: Acid reflux



1975: Moving to California because it's cool

2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm



1975: Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2005: Trying NOT to look like MarlonBrando or Liz Taylor



1975: Seeds and stems

2005: Roughage



1975: Hoping for a BMW

2005: Hoping for a BM



1975: Going to a new, hip joint

2005: Receiving a new hip joint



1975: Rolling Stones

2005: Kidney Stones



1975: Being called into the principal's office

2005: Calling the principal's office



1975: Screw the system

2005: Upgrade the system



1975: Disco

2005: Costco



1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved



1975: Passing the drivers' test

2005: Passing the vision test



1975: Whatever

2005: Depends


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.

They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on liftoff.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.


The CD was introduced the year they were born.


They have always had an answering machine.


They have always had cable.


They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.


McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


Do you feel old yet? Pass this post on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...
*Thanks, SalTCBug

"Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline."

 

Mona after 2 weeks in USA

An Old Lady Joke...

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He  became irritated at the little old lady.  Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her  and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way  every day.  One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old  lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE  THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am  starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.  "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbour jumped out of the hedges and  shouted: "THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and  shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM"

Basic Driving Rules

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic.

9. Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.

11 It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

12. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

13. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

14. Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

15. Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

16. Real men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 130 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

17. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

18. There is a common held belief that highspeed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front. This is true.

19. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because they have brakes.

20. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.

21. It's O.K when driving in suburbs to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one or two finger salute" while screaming out "fargen ass____e". But it is imperative you are driving a turbo charged V6 or a 5 litre V8, with a crow bar in your lap.

Two Minute Management Course

Lesson One:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit on my ass like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting on your ass and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing him out. He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lessons:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

Hand Puppets

 

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT NEWFOUNDLAND CANADA & THE NEWFIES!!!

If you're a Newfie,you should be proud! Here are a few  tidbits of information that you may have never known before:

THEY WERE......


The first province to respond to the Titanic distress signal.
The first to vaccinate for smallpox
The first to host a transatlantic flight.
The first to have wireless communication in the world.
The first place to discover proof of the theory of continental drift.


THEY HAVE......


The oldest street in North America.
The oldest city in North America.
The oldest rock in the world.
The oldest continuous sporting event.(Regatta Day rules!)
The largest university in Atlantic Canada.
The most pubs per square foot in Canada.(George Street.. St. John's)
The longest running radio program in North America.
Caught the world's largest invertebrate. (giant squid)


THEY ARE......


The funniest people in Canada. (ask anybody)
The only province that has four identifiable flags.
The only province able to land the space shuttle. (Stephenville)
The most giving people in Canada (Stats Canada)


A NEWFOUNDLANDER......


Built the world's first artificial ice arena.
Invented the gas mask.
Was once governor of northern Rhodesia.
Was with Abraham Lincoln at Gettysburg

WE ARE THE ONLY PROVINCE TO HAVE ITS OWN........


Encyclopedia.
Dictionary.
Pony.
Dogs.
Cultural publication.

By reading this,you now know more about Newfoundland than well, almost everyone!!

Send this post along to all your friends and let them know what a great place this "Rock" really is!!

If you are a proud NEWFIE, you will NOT break this chain!!!

BY God it'd be great to be a Newfoundlander!

Angry Alien Shorts

  Click above

Never... Ever... Fart In A Wetsuit!

 

The Importance of using Blueprints for a Prison Break!

My Goldfish Died

Little Amber was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky faced youngster was doing.

He politely asked, "What are you up to there, Amber?"

"My goldfish died," replied Amber tearfully, without looking up, "And I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'

Amber patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your f . . cking cat."

Walk on water

All of his life Garge from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great- grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Garge's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Garge stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Garge went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Garge's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July.

Camping

Two Old Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer.
 
After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.
 
The first Newfie turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."
 
"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."
 
"I promise I won't," says the Newfie. "Just hurry!"
 
Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.
 
Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not friggin' going!!!!"

The Wizard needs a Tylenol!

 

Poor Dopey

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "The Seven Dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back to face the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world. Why do you persist with this question?"

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

To Be 6 Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. 

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. 

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! 

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. 

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! 

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?" 

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dummy!" 

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.