A little cowboy attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, the little cowboy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. " The little cowboy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"
A 70-year-old old nurse walks into a bank and prepares to endorse a cheque. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's just great...... .... Some asshole's got my pen."
A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave. The sailor walked up to the man and asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?" The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."
1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the day -- I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! -- When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." -- Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over? -- Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. -- My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.. -- Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. -- If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labour! -- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. But Most Of All, Remember ! -- A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
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