My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection.
She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
Forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Jack: How’s it going?
Beans: Pretty good.
Jack and the Beans talk.
Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates, you are allowed one wish for anyone you left behind, back on earth.
St. Peter explained this to a woman who had just recently arrived, and asked what her one wish would be.
"Well, I just wish my son would get married and be happy."
"Look lady, it's just one wish; make up your mind!"
St. Peter explained this to a woman who had just recently arrived, and asked what her one wish would be.
"Well, I just wish my son would get married and be happy."
"Look lady, it's just one wish; make up your mind!"
A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a
hospital for several years and felt uneasy, not knowing about all the
new technology.
A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."
My friend called me and said, "Meet me at the Vinyl Shop in 45."
I made it there in 33, which was Record Time!
I made it there in 33, which was Record Time!
Told my wife I was going to start smoking pot.
She said if I did she was going to leave me.
That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!
She said if I did she was going to leave me.
That's proof that it gets rid of aches and pains!
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client,
who had attended the trial, was out of town when the jury came back
with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client.
The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading, "Justice has triumphed!"
The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading, "Justice has triumphed!"
The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet.
In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.
In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.
A star-struck young lady was invited to a Hollywood Christmas party. She spied a star she was sure she knew and went up to him.
“I’m a huge fan!” she said. “Could I touch your neck?”
The actor stepped back and said, “What are you talking about?"
She blurted, “Aren’t you Zach Woods?”
“No, I’m James Woods!” he answered with some annoyance.
“I’m so sorry,” she confessed. “I guess I was in the wrong neck of the woods.”
“I’m a huge fan!” she said. “Could I touch your neck?”
The actor stepped back and said, “What are you talking about?"
She blurted, “Aren’t you Zach Woods?”
“No, I’m James Woods!” he answered with some annoyance.
“I’m so sorry,” she confessed. “I guess I was in the wrong neck of the woods.”
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