Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

What do you call an extremely clingy alien?

A personal space invader. 

Judy: I’ve made such delicious plans for a June wedding, but my boyfriend keeps postponing things.

Jane: Like what?

Judy: Like the proposal! 



My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths. 



Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices.

“Cargo space?” he asks.

The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, “Car no do that... car go road.” 

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too." 

I read somewhere that it takes a village to raise a child...

Where is this village and is there a number you can call? 

 

Patient: I was born C-Section and every time I leave my house I constantly fight the urge to go out the window.

Doctor: On a scale of one to ten how bad is this problem?

Patient: I’d have to say a ten considering I live on the 88th floor of a high rise. 

A new survey shows that 60% of men under the age of 30 don't own a suit...

Then again, those of us over 30 that have a suit don't know if they still fit.  

Billy: Though my Aunt is very dear to me the truth is, no one likes her homemade pudding except you Johnny. Tell me why you always get a double helping and also take the leftovers home?

Johnny: I use it to patch the cracks in my driveway; it lasts for years.

Johnny, age 6, and his dad went for a drive. Upon returning home, Johnny's mom asked, "What did you see, today?"

Johnny replied, "3 idiots, 1 dumb fool, 4 morons, and 1 that Daddy said I should not tell you about."  

What do you call two birds stuck together?

Vel-Crow.