Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

I've opened a restaurant called: "Peace And Quiet..."

Kids meals: Only $150. 

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM. 



An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards." 



Two friends arranged to meet at a store in the local mall. One never showed up, so the other went home. When they talked later that night, the second woman asked the first what had happened.

"It was terrible, "the first woman said. "I was on the escalator on my way to meet you, and it suddenly stopped running. I stood there for over an hour while they fixed it."

"You stood on the escalator for an hour while he fixed it?" the second friend asked

"Of course, what else would I do?"

"You dummy! Why didn't you sit down?" 

An antelope and a lion entered a diner and took a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, “I’ll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes.”

“And what would your friend have?”

“Nothing,” replied the antelope.

The waiter persisted, “Isn’t he hungry?”

“Hey, if he were hungry,” said the antelope, “would I be sitting here?”

Billy: Being a kid is tough. Parents hold mistakes over your head forever. This Friday I can’t go to the movies because I made a simple mistake a long time ago.

Bobby: What did you do?

Billy: I put the hose in my sister’s window and turned it on.

Bobby: That’s a pretty big mistake, when did you do that?

Billy: Wednesday.

 

Might wake up early and go running tomorrow.

I also might win the lottery.

Odds are about the same.

There where once two brothers called William and Wayne. Will was 12 years old and his little brother was 3. The neighbors noticed they always went around together, if William went down to the ballpark, his little brother would toddle along behind him, even if the game was a bit rough; and when Wayne went to play group, his elder brother would come too, and sit there with all the toddlers.

One neighbor thought this was really strange, so one day he leaned over the fence and asked the kid's mother why they were so inseparable even though they had nothing in common. Well, the mother replied, didn't you know: where there's a Will... there's a Wayne. 

Grandson: Why did the elephant where red sneakers?

Me: I don't know.

Grandson: So he could hide in the cherry tree. Did you ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?

Me: No.

Grandson: See, it works. 

During a job interview at the 99 Cents store, my son was asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My son’s reply: “At the Dollar Store.” He got the job.