Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

 

Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard?

Because his Visa didn’t work. 

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water.

I was like well, damn. 



While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband.

When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.

"I don't know his size," she said, "but my hands fit PERFECTLY around his neck."      

When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask.

It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.

I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked, "Do you mind waiting a bit?"

I replied, "Not at all."

"Good," he said, "Take these drinks to table nine."

 

I found the meaning of life.

It’s on page 937 in the dictionary between the words lie and lifeboat. 

Two lady school teachers from Brooklyn, spending their sabbatical year exploring western Canada, stopped at a small and old-fashioned hotel in Alberta recently.

One of the pair was inclined to be worrisome when traveling, and she couldn't rest until she had made a tour of the corridors to hunt out exits in case of fire. The first door she opened, unfortunately, turned out to be that of the public bath, occupied by an elderly gentleman taking a shower.

"Oh, excuse me!" the lady stammered, flustered. "I'm looking for the fire escape." Then she ran for it.

To her dismay, she hadn't got far along the corridor when she heard a shout behind her and, looking around, saw the gentleman, wearing only a towel, running after her.

"Where's the fire?!" he hollered. 

Do you know why baby diapers have brand names like Luvs, Huggies and Pampers while undergarments for old people are called Depends?

Well, here is the reason...

When babies soil their pants, people are still going to Luv"em, Hug'em, and Pamper'em.

When old people soil their pants, it Depends on who's in the will! 

MI had to take a whole load of tree limbs to the dump today in my trailer.

I came to realize that when I prayed for a job as a branch manager, I needed to be a little more specific.

While watching the tv show "Sisters", my then 5 year old daughter was having a hard time understanding how one sister was expecting a baby but the baby belonged to a different sister.

After explaining to her that the egg from one sister was placed inside the body of the expectant sister, she then asked, "Does the egg have shells?"