Funnies

Old man

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old men can still think fast!

Free puppy to new home

My neighbor has a puppy he's giving away FREE! It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids. He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies'. I think she is just weird!

Click here to see the cutie!

 

Science in action

 

An Iowa farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set,and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. 

The boss's zipper

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper is down, and his fly wide open.

His secretary walked up to him and said,"Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?"

This is not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into this office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he suddenly notices that his zipper is undone. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood.

He then intentionally goes out to ask for a cup of coffee from his secretary. He is planning to have a little fun with her. When he reaches her desk, he said, "When you saw the garage door open did you see my jaguar parked in there?"

The secretary smiles a moment and said, "No, Boss I didn't. All saw was a Mini with two flat tires".