Dear Love Doctor,
I thought I’d see what you have to say to this: I found out last week that my boyfriend slept with his old boyfriend. It’s a long story, and there was a LOT of alcohol involved, but still, I’m thinking of calling it quits. Don’t know if I can forgive him.
Signed...
Dear Horse With No Name,
Well, first, you gotta leave some kinda catchy name, like the other people do. That’s how these things work. If you all don’t leave a catchy name, I reserve the right to just fricking make one up. So, Horse With No Name, first thing is, you should be grateful. I mean, your boyfriend and his ex-boyfriend only slept together. I mean, if you trust him that he’s telling the truth, you got damn lucky! There he was, in the arms of his ex-love, who probably dumped him- likely as not- and let’s face it- there’s a 50-50 chance he had a bigger wigglepole than you, and was a better lover and all that, and there he is, in his arms, drunk out of his clothes as likely as not- and they just slept!
Man, you escaped a close one there, buddy! Just imagine if they had been kissing and rubbing and slapping and moaning and sweating and leaking all through the night! You’d REALLY feel like crap! That might have even shown he actually loves him more than you, and doesn’t even respect you! You’d look like a fool, feel like a turd, smell like you were shat on. It would be absurd! (I’m gonna throw in some poetry here and there, like that, cause you gotta use your gift man, you gotta use your gift! Remember that).
Anyway, I think you should be grateful to him for staying true. Sounds like you have a real winner there, instead of some slutty two-bit batty boy of a skank. So should you leave him? Hell no! But between you and me, many more nights of sleeping in the arms of his ex-boyfriend could start to lead to some trouble. I wouldn’t allow it. Lay down the law!
A bottom-boy won’t admit it, but he likes a man that takes control. Draws a line in the sand! They all wanna be obedient, deep down, and let you run the show! (Just don’t tell them that! They’ll be hotter than a wasp nest in the outhouse! And you wouldn’t want that. Man, when you do someone that makes a guy mad, (I meant to type “when you do SOMETHING”, but “when you do someone” works too, and I got the scars to prove it!) Anyway, he’ll turn colder than a penguin’s pugglewhip! (and trust me, I know from personal experience- they are cold little things). So take it from me, you do NOT want to do anything that would piss off a guy! You do NOT want a cold bed! Where do you think the term “A cold shoulder” came from? He will be turned away from you, and not for some spooning either! Nope. Back door locked with no key in site! And take it from me- Puggle pumping is NOT an ideal long term relationship situation!
The Love Doctor
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