IDIOTS:
IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone
repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.
When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant
gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I
replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our
phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages
by email. (My email won't work without a telephone line!).
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She
informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card
was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to
compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the
one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they
matched. IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by
cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore. I could swear I've
recently been with some of these people.... IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTING #1
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING #2
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the
buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light
is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?" IDIOT SIGHTING #3
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the
company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is
fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just
looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. IDIOT SIGHTING #4
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not
turn on. IDIOT SIGHTING #5
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied,
"I know - I already got that side." Now don't you feel better?
10 Puns for your day
1.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."
2.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.
8.
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would
not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So,
the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious
thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can
prevent florist friars.
9.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him -- oh, man, this is so bad, it's good --
a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10.
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Officer Downey
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to
find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at
once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on
the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she
moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
police for help,and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"
No comments:
Post a Comment