Dog Thoughts

 You see, my FUR keeps me warm. Your sweaters only serve to insult me. 

When I say "woof," I mean "I hate you."  If the choice is between prison and playing dress up with you, I choose prison. 

As if it wasn't hard enough being called a anorexic all the time; now you dress me up as an old drunken hooker. 

If you think I won't eat you when you die, you're dead wrong. 

Though I have provided all the evidence in the world, perhaps I should take this time to state a certain fact explicitly: I am a dog. I am NOT a CHILD. 

As you must be mentally off, I'll cut you some slack. 

If you wanted a bunny, why didn't you just buy one? 

Please remind me why I'm supposed to love you. 

I give you everything I have to give and you still wish I was a Dalmatian... 

I wish your husband took me with him when he left. 

If I had hands I'd strangle you. 

What is wrong with you. Seriously. Did you not get enough love as a child? Is your world so completely devoid of meaning that you think dressing me as a flower is a form of care taking? I hope the house gets burgled tonight. 

Remember this moment when I pee on your Persian rug tonight.  What am I wearing? Am I a picnic table? A waitress?  Could someone out there please have my owner put to sleep?  Very funny. You come up with that yourself?  Look, I'm barely a dog. I have enough identity issues without you dressing me up as a cheetah.  Dang it. How am I going to get a girl when I look like I'm being strangled by a cartoon cat?  You are ruining what self-esteem I have left.  And I thought the bunny suit was bad... What am I now? A Dogglebee? Please stop. Please.  You're going to embalm me when I'm dead, aren't you?