The Australian Virgin
A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and has no experience with women.
They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.
Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening nuptials.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says,
"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Norwegian Lubricant
Ole's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said. 'Hey, Ole! You just had you a son,!'Ain't dat grand!'
Ole got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet,' The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter, She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain’t got done yet, 'The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ok Ole, you just had yourself another boy, !' Ole said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Ole said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Ole and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Lena, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'Ole said,'I'll tell you, ....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
UNREAL------CANADIAN BEEF..??
THIS IS A GOOD DECENT MAN WHO TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE THIS AND HE SIGNED THE STATEMENT INCLUDING HIS CONTACT INFO:
I'm sure those of you who aren't in the cattle business don't understand the issues here.
But to those of us whose living depends on the cattle market, selling cattle, raising the best beef possible...This is frustrating.
This will keep us from ever stopping there again, even for a drink. The original message is from the Alberta Cattle Feeders Association.
Canadian cattle producers are very passionate about this.
McDonald's claim there is not enough beef in Canada to support their restaurants. Well, we (ACFA) know that is not so. Our opinion is they are looking to save money at our expense. The sad thing of it is that the people of Canada are the ones who made McDonald's successful in the first place, but we are not good enough to provide the beef.
We personally are no longer eating at McDonald's, which I am sure does not make an impact, but if we pass this around maybe there will be an informed impact felt.
All Canadians that sell cattle at a livestock auction barn have to sign a paper stating that we do NOT EVER feed our cattle any part of another animal...
South Americans are not required to do this as of yet.
McDonald's has announced that they are going to start importing much of their beef from South America . The problem is that South Americans aren't under the same regulations as Canadian beef producers, and the regulations they have are loosely controlled.
They can spray numerous pesticides on their pastures that have been banned here at home because of residues found in the beef. They can also use various
hormones and growth regulators that we can't. The Canadian public needs to be aware of this problem and that they may be putting themselves at risk from now on by eating at McDonald's.
Canadian ranchers raise the highest quality beef in the world and this is what Canadians deserve to eat. Not beef from countries where quality is loosely controlled.
Therefore, I am proposing a boycott of McDonald's until they see the light.
For me, everything is not always about the bottom line when it comes to jeopardizing my family's health, that is where I draw the line.
Acting together we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on.
Larry Latam
Sylvia Van Oene R.N.
Occupational Health Services (HSD)
XL Foods Inc.
Lakeside Packers, Brooks , AB.
Ruby Gettinger
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."
Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbor hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments. A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this? "
The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows." And so it is with life... What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.
AMEN!!!
xoxo
Little Johnny Does It Again!
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Justin Trudeau fans.
Not really knowing what a Trudeau fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trudeau fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Trudeau?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Conservative."
The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trudeau fan."
Simple explanation
The Irish mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home...and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Patricia, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation...She never got your E-mail."
Unhappy Golfer
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes..
THE LOST CHAPTER
At long last the lost chapter of Genesis has been discovered Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, God asked him, “ What is wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to, God said he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman, God said, “ This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she’ll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied, “An arm and a leg”.
Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a RIB?”
TWO TERRORISTS
Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb-making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorist, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot," lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
I was there when it happened.
A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and has no experience with women.
They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.
Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening nuptials.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked.
All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman" he says,
"But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Norwegian Lubricant
Ole's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said. 'Hey, Ole! You just had you a son,!'Ain't dat grand!'
Ole got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet,' The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter, She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Ole got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we ain’t got done yet, 'The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Ok Ole, you just had yourself another boy, !' Ole said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said, 'You never know, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Ole said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Ole and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Lena, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'Ole said,'I'll tell you, ....it's a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
UNREAL------CANADIAN BEEF..??
THIS IS A GOOD DECENT MAN WHO TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE THIS AND HE SIGNED THE STATEMENT INCLUDING HIS CONTACT INFO:
I'm sure those of you who aren't in the cattle business don't understand the issues here.
But to those of us whose living depends on the cattle market, selling cattle, raising the best beef possible...This is frustrating.
This will keep us from ever stopping there again, even for a drink. The original message is from the Alberta Cattle Feeders Association.
Canadian cattle producers are very passionate about this.
McDonald's claim there is not enough beef in Canada to support their restaurants. Well, we (ACFA) know that is not so. Our opinion is they are looking to save money at our expense. The sad thing of it is that the people of Canada are the ones who made McDonald's successful in the first place, but we are not good enough to provide the beef.
We personally are no longer eating at McDonald's, which I am sure does not make an impact, but if we pass this around maybe there will be an informed impact felt.
All Canadians that sell cattle at a livestock auction barn have to sign a paper stating that we do NOT EVER feed our cattle any part of another animal...
South Americans are not required to do this as of yet.
McDonald's has announced that they are going to start importing much of their beef from South America . The problem is that South Americans aren't under the same regulations as Canadian beef producers, and the regulations they have are loosely controlled.
They can spray numerous pesticides on their pastures that have been banned here at home because of residues found in the beef. They can also use various
hormones and growth regulators that we can't. The Canadian public needs to be aware of this problem and that they may be putting themselves at risk from now on by eating at McDonald's.
Canadian ranchers raise the highest quality beef in the world and this is what Canadians deserve to eat. Not beef from countries where quality is loosely controlled.
Therefore, I am proposing a boycott of McDonald's until they see the light.
For me, everything is not always about the bottom line when it comes to jeopardizing my family's health, that is where I draw the line.
Acting together we can make a difference. If this makes sense to you, please pass this message on.
Larry Latam
Sylvia Van Oene R.N.
Occupational Health Services (HSD)
XL Foods Inc.
Lakeside Packers, Brooks , AB.
Ruby Gettinger
Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbor hangs her wash to dry, the young woman makes the same comments. A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband: "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this? "
The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows." And so it is with life... What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.
AMEN!!!
xoxo
Little Johnny Does It Again!
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Justin Trudeau fans.
Not really knowing what a Trudeau fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trudeau fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Trudeau?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Conservative."
The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trudeau fan."
Simple explanation
The Irish mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife (your daughter) telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home...and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Patricia, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation...She never got your E-mail."
Unhappy Golfer
A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a down slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with." He thought, "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."
He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said, "I'm NOT happy. My balls itch."
Heart-warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes..
THE LOST CHAPTER
At long last the lost chapter of Genesis has been discovered Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, God asked him, “ What is wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to, God said he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman, God said, “ This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she’ll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied, “An arm and a leg”.
Then Adam asked, “What can I get for a RIB?”
TWO TERRORISTS
Two terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb-making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorist, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot," lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No shit?"
I was there when it happened.
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