Inferiority Complex
An actress who suffered from an inferiority complex was complaining to her psychiatrist. "I'm a nothing!" she cried. "I can't sing. I can't remember my lines. I can't dance, I can't even act. I really don't belong in show business."
"Why don't you quit?" the doctor asked.
"I can't," moaned the actress. "I'm a Star!"
Thanks a lot
“Oh no, not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last night's supper.
“Young lady,” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this? You should be ashamed of yourself. Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal.”
“Thank you Lord for this delicious supper,” muttered my sister submissively, “….again!”
Battling Salons
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.
They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Customer Needs
A customer at a counter of a garden ornament shop said to the cashier, “Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of those sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers.”
The cashier replied “that’ll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten for the flamingos, six for the sunflowers, and an apology for my wife!”
Fate Bought Me Those Shoes
A woman had bought lots of shoes over time and she decided it was time to kick the habit. She really took it seriously, even changing her driving route to avoid her favorite shoe store. One evening, however, she arrived home carrying a shoe box. Her husband grinned at her, but it didn't faze her at all.
"These are very special shoes," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the shoe store and there in the window were the most perfect shoes I've ever seen! I felt this was no accident, so I thought I'd let fate decide. If I would get a parking spot directly in front of the shop, the shoes were meant for me. And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
Celebrity Restaraunt
A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide. It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.
They're going to call it: "Coffee with Kareem and Sugar"
Plug It In
Husband: Look dear, I just bought us one of those plug in air fresheners. But for some reason it's not working.
Wife: It's not plugged in.
Husband: You mean I have to plug it in for it to start freshening the air?
Wife: It's a plug in air freshener. How can it work if you don't plug it in?
Husband: It makes no scents!
When We Were First Married
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more?"
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
Fastest Dad
Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest.
One says, "My father is the fastest, he can overtake an arrow he shot with a bow."
The second one says, "My father is even faster - he can shoot a gun and then run to catch the bullet before it hits anything."
The third kid says, "You actually don't understand what speed is. My father is even quicker! He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he's back home by 3:45 pm almost every day."
What Is A Sweater?
A sweater is a garment worn by a child...
When his mother feels chilly.
Silent Letter
When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters 'H' like in hour, honest, honor, etc?"
Ms. Doris replied, "We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent."
During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her packed lunch & asked me to heat it in the cafeteria. I ate all the food and returned her an empty container.
Ms. Doris asked me, "What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food & you are returning me an empty container?"
"I'm sorry, Ms. Doris, I thought the 'H' was silent."
Barber Shop Outing
Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, "How do you want your haircut?"
The man says, " I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top."
The barber looks puzzled and says, "I'm not sure I can do that."
The customer says, "Why not, you did it that way last time."
Mother's Point of View
A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin.
The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What music!” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording.
“Madam,” he whispered, "is that your son?”
“No," she replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him!”
Laundry Day
My wife found a twenty in my pants pocket after she washed and dried them.
I had to turn her in to the authorities....
For money laundering.
An actress who suffered from an inferiority complex was complaining to her psychiatrist. "I'm a nothing!" she cried. "I can't sing. I can't remember my lines. I can't dance, I can't even act. I really don't belong in show business."
"Why don't you quit?" the doctor asked.
"I can't," moaned the actress. "I'm a Star!"
Thanks a lot
“Oh no, not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last night's supper.
“Young lady,” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this? You should be ashamed of yourself. Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal.”
“Thank you Lord for this delicious supper,” muttered my sister submissively, “….again!”
Battling Salons
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.
They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Customer Needs
A customer at a counter of a garden ornament shop said to the cashier, “Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of those sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers.”
The cashier replied “that’ll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten for the flamingos, six for the sunflowers, and an apology for my wife!”
Fate Bought Me Those Shoes
A woman had bought lots of shoes over time and she decided it was time to kick the habit. She really took it seriously, even changing her driving route to avoid her favorite shoe store. One evening, however, she arrived home carrying a shoe box. Her husband grinned at her, but it didn't faze her at all.
"These are very special shoes," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the shoe store and there in the window were the most perfect shoes I've ever seen! I felt this was no accident, so I thought I'd let fate decide. If I would get a parking spot directly in front of the shop, the shoes were meant for me. And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
Celebrity Restaraunt
A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide. It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.
They're going to call it: "Coffee with Kareem and Sugar"
Plug It In
Husband: Look dear, I just bought us one of those plug in air fresheners. But for some reason it's not working.
Wife: It's not plugged in.
Husband: You mean I have to plug it in for it to start freshening the air?
Wife: It's a plug in air freshener. How can it work if you don't plug it in?
Husband: It makes no scents!
When We Were First Married
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more?"
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."
Fastest Dad
Three kids argue, whose father is the fastest.
One says, "My father is the fastest, he can overtake an arrow he shot with a bow."
The second one says, "My father is even faster - he can shoot a gun and then run to catch the bullet before it hits anything."
The third kid says, "You actually don't understand what speed is. My father is even quicker! He finishes work at 4:30 pm, but he's back home by 3:45 pm almost every day."
What Is A Sweater?
A sweater is a garment worn by a child...
When his mother feels chilly.
Silent Letter
When I was in school, I used to ask a lot of questions. One day I asked Ms. Doris, our English teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters 'H' like in hour, honest, honor, etc?"
Ms. Doris replied, "We are not ignoring them. They are considered silent."
During the lunch break, Ms. Doris gave me her packed lunch & asked me to heat it in the cafeteria. I ate all the food and returned her an empty container.
Ms. Doris asked me, "What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food & you are returning me an empty container?"
"I'm sorry, Ms. Doris, I thought the 'H' was silent."
Barber Shop Outing
Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, "How do you want your haircut?"
The man says, " I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top."
The barber looks puzzled and says, "I'm not sure I can do that."
The customer says, "Why not, you did it that way last time."
Mother's Point of View
A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin.
The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What music!” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording.
“Madam,” he whispered, "is that your son?”
“No," she replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him!”
Laundry Day
My wife found a twenty in my pants pocket after she washed and dried them.
I had to turn her in to the authorities....
For money laundering.
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