AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You
lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless
and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly.
Everyone thinks you're a fucking jerk.
PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
by the FBI or CIA. You have little influence over your friends, and
people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and
are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick
their noses a lot.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS (Apr 21 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and
work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded.
You are nothing but a goddammed Communist, and you know what happened
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you
are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for
thriving on incest.
CANCER (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.
They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. This
is why you will always be on welfare and not worth a shit.
LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most
Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and
kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often
fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If
you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and
monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras
die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve
the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are
a perfect son of a bitch. Most Scorpios get murdered.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians
are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you a lot because you are
always getting fucked.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22 © Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically
chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You
should kill yourself.