HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Happy New Year from The Wizard of 'OZ'

Happy New Year from The Wizard of 'OZ'

New Year's Eve Humour

New Years Eve One Liners 

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

My New Years resolution is 1080p I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs.

May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year! If 2015 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.

People treat New Year's like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

I'll remember 2015 like it was yesterday Dear Luck, .....can we be friends in 2018 Please?

In 20186, may your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you, and heaven accept you.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

I hereby resolve not to catch fire while riding a flaming hoverboard....again.

Dear God, my prayer for 2016 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body.

Please don't mix it up like you did this year.

I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary.

Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and February 8th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can't help you.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2017 and a beautiful beginning into 2018.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself....... this year making a resolution to be myself!

I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2018.

Just heard that in 2018 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions....That way I succeed at something!

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.

Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Think of joy, Forget the fear. Be joyous, cause its a New Year.

New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2018 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.
 
May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions.

It's officially New Year Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.


There have been many times in 2017, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you....today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2018!

The only ball that will be dropping on Times Square this New Years Eve is MINE.
Sincerely, Lance Armstrong.

New Years Eve Short Jokes What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!

What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.

What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve? The ice falls out of your drinks!

What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security

New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.

What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops? Justin Bieber gets jealous

Knock Knock! Whos there? Mary and Abby! Mary and Abby who? Mary christmas and a Abby new year.

source: http://jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/newyearsjokes.html

New Year's Resolutions...

My New Year Solutions – Anonymous

My New Year Solutions, Not Resolutions
This year I want to be a monkey
Jumping from tree to tree
Next year I can be a donkey
Braying from sky to sea.

Every year I want to change
And experience something new
I wish I am something strange
Like the disappearing dew.

I want to feel the life of a lion king
Sitting inside its majestic skin
Turning into a peacock I will sing
And be a cuckoopea Siamese twin

Why can’t I be a bubble?
Blow away and disappear
Instead of getting into trouble
Making resolutions every year.


New Year Resolution

Bugs Underneath
– Steve Turner

New Year Resolution
It was January the 1st
I turned over a new leaf
It was clean on the top side
But had bugs underneath.

On New Year’s Day
-Kenn Nesbitt

On New Year’s Day a year ago,
I started off the year
by making resolutions
that were probably severe.

I said I’d save my money,
as this seemed so very wise.
I vowed I would improve my health.
I swore I’d exercise.

I stated I would do my homework
every single day.
I’d brush my teeth religiously
to ward off tooth decay.

I’d eat my fruits and vegetables
and keep my bedroom clean.
I’d treat my sister kindly
though she’s often very mean.

My resolutions lasted me
about a half a day.
I promised I would keep them
but I broke them anyway.

So now I’m fat and penniless.
My homework’s overdue.
My sister’s mad. My teeth are bad.
My room is messy too.

And yet I think I may have found
the best of all solutions,
and this year I’ve resolved
to not make ANY resolutions.

I went to a party

I went to a party,

And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom
So I had a sprite instead.

I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didn't drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming,
Mom Something I expected least.

Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.

My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
This girl is going to die.

I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.

So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.

Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven,
Put "Mommy 's Girl" on my grave.

Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had, I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom

I'm getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And I'm so unprepared.

I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, "I love you, Mom!"

So I love you and good-bye.

Click here to go to the MADD homepage

Wise Words

Love Quote

"Never close your lips to those whom have opened your heart."

- Charles Dickens -


Be Happy

"Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times."

- Anonymous -


Motivation

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. However, you can salt his oats."


Height of A Mountain

"Never measure the height of a mountain until you have reached the top. Then you will see how low it was."

- DAG HAMMARSKJOLD -


The Delusion of Every Generation

Each age is but one link in the chain that connects the past with the future. It is the delusion of each age that it is not just a link, but the anchor for both the past and the future.


What's Inside

It is not important what is in front of you, or behind you. It is what is inside of you that counts.


None So Blind

"There are none so blind as those that can see."

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners...

The Immovable Dirty Spot
My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture.

"I don’t know what you’ve brought in," she said, "but I can’t seem to get this out."

He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared.


Call 911
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"



Rapid Train Service
A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slow. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"



They Do Look Alike
My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.

"So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"

Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."


Hypothetical Hollywood
My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion... In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.

"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.

I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "George Clooney."

"In that case," she said, "I’ll play myself."

The value of trust

by Michael Josephson, WhatWillMatter.com

A teenager wants to go to a party, but she’s sure her mom won’t let her. So she and her friend concoct a false cover story.

What’s the big deal? Most kids lie to their parents from time to time, and their parents probably lied to their parents. Despite rhetoric about virtue being its own reward, a great many adults – and a higher proportion of kids – are more likely to make their choices based on a calculation of risks and benefits than moral principles.

Since young people are particularly susceptible to choices that indulge impulses and favor immediate needs and wants, we need to teach them how making bad choices to gratify such desires can sabotage their most important relationships and impede critical life objectives.
Every dishonest act has at least two potential consequences: 1) the actual penalty, and 2) loss of trust. The second is by far the more serious and underestimated.

This is especially true in parent-child relationships. Where trust is important, there are no little lies. When parents don’t believe their children, their cords of control will be tighter and held longer. The price of lying is lost freedom.

It’s often difficult to predict how a decision today will affect tomorrow, but dishonesty often has a lasting negative impact on relationships and reputations as well as self-image and character.

From both a moral and practical perspective, honesty is the best policy.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

Some folks NEVER get old...

"Life Is Short.

Live It To The Fullest.

It Has An Expiration Date!"

Star of the Party: A New Year’s Eve Short Story

Originally published in Kings Rive Life Magazine
by Paula Gail Benson

“Remember, to be an Eve on New Year’s Eve is truly special. Even if you don’t have a date for my party.”

Eve had been listening to Charlotte on her hands-free phone as she drove to the spa. She made a mental note: in the future only take Charlotte’s calls on a land line, one equipped with a heavy receiver Eve could slam into its base.

The last time she heard from Charlotte, she had snapped her cell shut when Charlotte told her about watching Eve’s ex-husband nibbling a blond bimbette’s ear over an expensive dinner. Eve found the snapping didn’t give her the same satisfaction as slamming the receiver on Charlotte’s ear when Charlotte had called to ask if Eve could dog-sit while Charlotte and her boyfriend, Rob, made

a trip to the mountains. Rob, who by all rights should be Eve’s Rob, not Charlotte’s. How dare Charlotte ask Eve to dog-sit while Charlotte and Rob went on a tryst? But then, Charlotte had always displayed an evil one-upmanship.

Having neither a slam nor snap option with her hands free phone, Eve improvised. “You’re breaking up, Charlotte.”

“Rob and I will see you later,” Charlotte replied before Eve could disconnect.

Eve parked and exited her SUV with her wardrobe bag across one arm and her large leather Hobo purse with shoes and evening bag inside, secured on the other shoulder. She looked up at the building as she approached. A grass green canopy made to resemble palm tree fronds hung over the entrance of the Fountain of Youth Day Spa and Salon, an upgrade in appearance from Eve’s previous visit to the establishment, when it was under different management and known as The Feel Better Spa.

The windows on either side of the entrance were cloaked by lush, mint green curtains. A sign between the curtain and glass, in the right corner closest to the set of double oak doors, discretely announced a new treatment: Complete Holiday Party Body Prep.

Eve had been hesitant about using her gift certificate to the spa because it was a Christmas gift from Charlotte. At first, Eve wondered if Charlotte had arranged for Eve to receive a bad result from the treatment. Then, Eve saw her friend Shelia at a party on Christmas Day. Sheila had spent Christmas Eve getting the Body Prep package at The Fountain of Youth. Shelia looked as if she had been surgically altered by an expert in all the necessary places.

So, Eve decided Charlotte’s gift simply implied she was too old and tired to tempt Rob. Eve could easily refute that presumption, and it would be sweeter to flout it using Charlotte’s buck–that is, Charlotte’s money and Charlotte’s male. When Eve made her appointment for New Year’s Eve, she had been told to bring only her outfit; the spa and salon would handle the rest.

Eve had chosen a stunning black dress, featuring a floor length skirt slit to her right calf and overlaid with swishing gold fringe. The bodice, encrusted in rhinestones, boosted her chest while baring her shoulders. Rob wouldn’t be able to resist her. Once she entered the room, his eyes would link with hers and he would be drawn to her side. Any thoughts about Charlotte would be wiped from his mind.

Charlotte, their hostess for the New Year’s Eve party, and the bane of Eve’s existence.

All through school, jobs, marriages, and changes in social status, they had competed. Over grades, praise, cheerleader positions, roles in plays, pay raises, volunteer positions with the Junior League and of course, boys and men. But this time Charlotte had gone too far.

Eve had picked out Rob as her rebound. He had been just the boost she needed after her nasty divorce. She found him at the community college where she started out taking Spanish, but quickly dropped the course after discovering it was populated with balding, middle-aged, divorced men trawling for twenty something bimbettes. She was lucky she hadn’t run into her ex-husband there.

She switched to a photography class, knowing it required a modicum of work that wouldn’t attract middle-aged losers and there was Rob; at least ten years her junior (eleven years younger than Charlotte), tall, wavy dark curls, a bewitching smile and eyes that made you feel as if you could take a swim in their chocolate richness.

Rob had become her photo buddy, taking her on long walks through the town, finding unique locations to shoot. He planned to start his own studio. She offered her divorce settlement to invest in his business. Maybe be his silent partner, financially and otherwise.

One day, while they were having coffee at an outdoor cafe, Charlotte happened by. She took a seat at their table and began talking about how she needed a photographer to help with a Greyhound Rescue Program benefit she was organizing. Suddenly, Charlotte became Rob’s best bud. He was gone without even a backward glance at Eve.

Well, Eve was going to fix that by stealing him back at Charlotte’s New Year’s Eve party tonight. In addition to the sensational dress, she had discovered that the Fountain of Youth’s Body Prep package provided full body facials, hair styling and nail and make-up treatments. “Walk in one age and leave as young as you want to be!” was the Spa’s advertised promise. Eve made an appointment for six o’clock to be ready, and then late, for the party at nine.

She arrived early for her appointment and was surprised to find the lobby empty instead of teaming with customers. Maybe the prices for the services were prohibitive, but Eve thought her package reasonable for what was promised–worth it, considering Sheila’s transformation.

The new management had removed all the products customers had been urged to buy in the past. The lobby’s walls, decorated by a sponged effect in three shades of “goldish” taupe or champagne, provided a backdrop for a sculpted granite fountain with a central graceful arch of water surrounded by short spouts, each with its own distinctive pastel-hued spray. Against the wall, a mahogany table contained a number of upside-down glass tumblers and a pitcher of clear liquid.

“Welcome.”

Eve turned to see a tall, slender, young woman approaching. She wore a name plate that identified her as Gracie. Her voice was silky, comforting, like the operator Eve had overheard when she accidentally picked up on her ex-husband’s phone sex call. Non-threatening, her ex-husband had made a point of telling her in feeble explanation.

Perhaps being a phone sex operator was Gracie’s side line. Her look and outfit exuded a professional, definitely non-threatening presence. She wore large, round, dark framed glasses that complemented her straight, glossy brunette hair. The plaid skirt and sky blue shirt, its tails hanging below a navy sleeveless shell, gave the impression of preppy school girl chic.

“Won’t you have a sip of one of our waters?” Gracie asked as she stopped before Eve. “Each spout of the fountain has a different blend.”

Eve delicately wrinkled her nose, signaling youthful dislike while avoiding permanent creases. She never liked things spouting at her, particularly if they might contain calories. Too much like those unsanitary chocolate geysers at receptions. “No, thank you.”

“I know,” Gracie said, as she took a tumbler from the table and filled it with liquid from one of the spouts. “It may seem a little unconventional, but I assure you it’s very refreshing. We find it helps put our customers in the mood for their services.”

Eve looked at the liquid in the tumbler. It contained a pinkish-looking pulp floating in swirls.

“This is our own special blend,” Gracie explained, extending the tumbler toward Eve. “We believe it helps to start the rejuvenating process from within. Please try it and let me know what you think.”

“My doctor advises me to avoid citrus products,” Eve replied firmly.

“I understand,” Gracie said smoothly, putting the tumbler down on the table and taking Eve’s wardrobe bag and purse. She gestured for Eve to follow and they went through a door to a darkened hallway leading to the treatment rooms. Gracie stopped at a door at the end of the corridor and placed the bags on a wooden chair just inside. In the center of the room, a table was carefully made up with sheets and a fluffy blanket. Along the back wall, a counter with wooden cabinets above and a sink at one end, held bottles and containers for the preparations.

“Would you care for a robe?” the young woman asked, turning to face Eve.

Eve thought the young woman smiled, but it was difficult to see her expression in the dim light of the room. “No,” Eve said. “I’ll undress here and get under the covers.”

Gracie nodded and left Eve alone, thinking that the spa employees must be moles to work in this relative darkness. A whiff of scent–incense–caused Eve to clear her throat. In the corner, she noticed a trash can and beside it a small, square wooden table that held a vase full of artistically arranged twigs. She recognized the vase and its arrangement as a remnant of the previous owner and remembered it, probably because she had advised that the owner to get rid of it. No woman coming to be moisturized at a spa wanted to see a decoration that featured a dried up bunch of twigs.

She took off her clothes, neatly placing them on the spare hanger in her wardrobe bag. She admired her smooth, well proportioned body in the full length mirror on the back of the door, and noticed an overhead mirror had been installed to give her another fabulous view.

Eat your heart out, Charlotte, she thought. Rob, you can nibble on me. The scent of incense clogged her throat again. She began to cough.

A knock sounded on the door. “Do you need some water?” a voice called from outside.

“No thanks.” Eve saw a container with paper cups beside the sink in the counter. She filled a cup with tap water and took a sip. It tasted bitter, metallic. They should filter their taps, she thought. She poured the remaining contents from her cup into the vase with the twigs before tossing the cup into the trash can. She eased her body between the covers, feeling the luxury of the high thread count. At least they hadn’t skimped there, or maybe she noticed it because the sheets were new and hadn’t had too many washings. The covers were warm and inviting. Eve figured this must be how it felt to be tucked into a crib–or, a fleece sleeping bag–with Rob.

The stylist entered. “My name is Linda,” she said.

“Hello, Linda,” Eve said. She had spent enough time in the Spanish class to remember that “linda” meant “pretty.” Unfortunately, the name was as pretty as this woman got. She was stocky and had a face that still showed the ravages of extreme acne, despite the woman’s mature years. Eve figured it would be best to steer clear of asking how Linda intended to spend her New Year’s Eve. She considered Linda’s prospects rather bleak.

“Have you had a spa treatment before?” Linda asked.

“Yes, many times.”

“Do you have any allergies I should be aware of?”

“None.”

“Citrus products?”

Had Linda been listening to her earlier conversation with Gracie? “Only drinking them.”

“Any expectations?”

Eve thought for a moment. “Smooth, sweet smelling skin. Moist lips and no wrinkles. Tight skin around the chin and neck. I read that’s what this treatment does.”

Linda nodded while gently helping to get Eve positioned. Her hands were soft against Eve’s skin. “It can be very effective.”

“I want to be the star of the party,” Eve told her.

“How young do you want to look?”

“Like the youngest person in the room.”

A small, sweet smile emerged on Linda’s cavernous face. “I was hoping you might say that.”

Linda’s gentle massage seemed to lift the wrinkles from Eve’s face. The alternatively warm and cool towels tightened the skin beneath her chin. Eve took a glance at herself in the overhead mirror. Her chin stuck out, strong and resilient, reminding her of the time when she was crowned college homecoming queen and Charlotte was simply a member of the honor court. Charlotte’s face had been a study in envy. The thorough and invigorating kneading of her flesh made Eve feel “floaty,” like an out of body experience. She looked at her left leg and toes as Linda’s grasps seemed to almost pull her away from her own body.

Just behind Linda was the full length mirror. The bud vase with twigs was reflected in the mirror; must have been a trick of the light that made it look as if those twigs had begun to bud. Like the spray of rosebuds Eve had been handed over the footlights when she played the lead in the high school musical. Eve remembered catching a glimpse of Charlotte grimacing while watching Eve’s triumph from the chorus.

Eve could sense herself shrinking beneath Linda’s capable hands. She glanced at her right hand as Linda lathered on the oil. Eve’s slender fingers reminded her of the music recital when she was ten. Her performance piece had been considered more difficult than Charlotte’s, so she played later in the program and Charlotte fumed when Eve received more praise.

Linda tugged at Eve’s hair.

“Ouch, that hurts.”

“Sorry,” Linda replied. Her fingers began to caress Eve’s scalp.

“I need for my hair to look good. It almost feels like you’re lifting it from my head.”

“Relax. I won’t let you leave without looking like the star of the party.”

Eve believed. She felt herself falling asleep–feeling soft, pure, warm and secure. She let go of all envy, worries and deadlines. When she woke, she heard Linda talking with someone else.

“I hope you’re pleased with my work,” Linda said.

“Absolutely.” Eve thought it sounded like Charlotte’s voice, but why would Charlotte be here?

“Now, Eve, don’t you worry. I’m giving Linda a hefty tip.”

Eve couldn’t speak. She could think and hear, but her vision was blurry. She felt herself being lifted. How could Charlotte manage that by herself? Eve’s eyes adjusted to the light. Charlotte was holding her up to the mirror on the back of the door.

“See your transformation for yourself, darling Eve.”

Charlotte was in a slinky red lame dress. Very tasteless, Eve thought. Then, Eve noticed that Charlotte was holding an infant in a diaper. Linda brought a headband and attached to the baby’s head. In the center of the bow, it had a button with the date of the New Year.

“Now you have your wish, Eve. You’ll be the star of the party, the youngest person in the room. The New Year’s baby! And when you arrive at midnight, I’ll be kissing Rob.”

Eve heard a loud wail. She didn’t realize it was coming from her mouth until Charlotte placed her in the arms of a very old man.

Paula Gail Benson’s short stories have been published in Kings River Life, the Bethlehem Writers Roundtable, and Mystery Times Ten 2013 (Buddhapuss Ink). She regularly blogs with others at writerswhokill.blogspot.com. You can learn more on her website.

Fortunes

Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Anything is possible, unless it's not.
Appearances often are deceiving.
Are we not men?
Are you a turtle?
Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote.
As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay.
Autocracy is based on the theorem that one man is smarter than many.
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Avoid colloquial stuff.
Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

BASIC is to computer programming as "qwerty" is to typing.
Badness comes in waves.
Be alert, the world needs more lerts.
Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds.
Be braver. You cannot cross a chasm in two small jumps.
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situationsthat cannot bear inspection.
Be careful, the last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease.
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
Be cheerful while you are alive.
Be happy with the real pleasures in life.
Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes,nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
Be kind to your inferiors, if you can find any.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Be seeing you.
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
Be sure to treat your assumptions as though they are reality.
Be valiant, but not too venturous. Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
Beam me up, Scotty!
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.
Beauty seldom recommends one to another.
Because the wine remembers.
Bedfellows make stians.
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
Beggars should be no choosers.
Begin well, end badly; begin badly, end worse.
Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.
Behind your back, your colleagues are talking about Jeckyl and Hyde.
Being natural is simply a pose.
Better late than never.

Carrot Top - Before and after

wtf????

New Year's Eve Public Service Post

I went to a party

I went to a party,

And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom
So I had a sprite instead.

I felt proud of myself,
The way you said I would,
That I didn't drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming,
Mom Something I expected least.

Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away.

My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
This girl is going to die.

I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.

So why do people do it, Mom
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.

Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom
Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven,
Put "Mommy 's Girl" on my grave.

Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had, I'd still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom

I'm getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And I'm so unprepared.

I wish that you could hold me Mom,
As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, "I love you, Mom!"

So I love you and good-bye.

Click here to go to the MADD homepage

51 Favourite Facts You’ve Always Believed That Are Actually False

Napoleon wasn't short? Bananas don't grow on trees? Here, the world's most contagious myths and misconceptions—debunked.

by DAVID MCCANDLESS, RD.com (with additional reporting by Brandon Specktor)

Photo: Shutterstock

Napoleon Was Short

A tall tale. At five six, he was slightly above average height for a Frenchman of the time.

more at ReadersDigest.ca

Hilarious 'PSA' Tackles The Controversy Over Straight People In Gay Bars

by Noah Michelson, Editorial Director, HuffPost Voices

For as long as there have been gay people in gay bars, there have also been straight people in gay bars ― and their presence has created quite a bit of controversy.

Recently, several thought pieces and Twitter threads about why it either is ― or isn’t ― problematic for non-queer people to visit and enjoy queer spaces have made the rounds on the internet. Now comedian Michael Henry is offering his own thoughts on the topic via “Gay Men Love Me,” a hilarious “public service announcement” video that he recently shared on his YouTube channel.

In the short clip, Henry finds himself riding home from a night at the bar when he comes face to face with two straight people who want to know why they shouldn’t be free to visit gay bars too. Henry responds to their claims with humor and wit, while making some really important points about community and privilege.

“I wanted to make this video because I love straight people,” Henry told HuffPost. “I do. But so many are clueless to the fact that gay bars and clubs are more than just places for us to get a vodka soda.”

The comedian says that the video was made “very much in response to the Out.com article where a woman was very adamant about being included in the gay male scene” and that he wanted to use it to “give her some kind rules.”

“I would love for the take away to be that gay people love women and straight people,” he said. “Just know that these bars and clubs do belong to us. LGBTQ people have the feeling that the rest of the world belongs to straight people, so we’re very protective over our venues. We would love to have you there, just be smart and follow my rules. Lol.”

For more from Michael Henry, visit his YouTube channel and his Instagram page.

KFC's Original Fried Chicken Copycat Recipe

By "America's Most Wanted Recipes" by Ron Douglas (Atria Books)

Iain Bagwell / Getty Images

Ron Douglas, the author of the cookbook series "America's Most Wanted Recipes" says, "What's the secret behind Colonel Sanders's famous eleven [sic] herbs and spices? I've tried many different combinations, but there is only one that comes out tasting just like the original. To make this, you'll need a pressure fryer."

So what makes KFC chicken so special? Colonel Sanders used to say, "It's still freshly prepared in every restaurant, seasoned with a secret blend of 11 herbs and spices and then hand breaded all day long by a certified cook."

This copycat recipe actually does contain 11 herbs and spices. The two main secrets behind the delicious flavor are the monosodium glutamate (MSG) and the use of a pressure fryer.

What You'll Need

1 large egg, beaten
1 cup buttermilk
One 3-pound chicken, cut into 6 pieces
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon ground oregano
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon dried sage
1 teaspoon dried basil
1 teaspoon dried marjoram
1 teaspoon pepper
2 teaspoons salt
2 tablespoons paprika
1 tablespoon onion salt
1 teaspoon garlic powder
2 tablespoons Accent (MSG seasoning)
1 can lard (or one 3-pound can Crisco), enough to cover chicken in fryer (see Secret Recipe Tips below)

How to Make It

Combine the egg and buttermilk in a large bowl. Soak the chicken pieces in the mixture.
Add the flour to a separate bowl and whisk in all the herbs and spices.
Roll the chicken in the seasoned flour until completely covered.
Add the lard to a pressure fryer and heat to 365 F. Be sure to follow the manufacturer's directions for your pressure fryer.
Use a utensil to lower 4 pieces of the chicken into the hot oil, and lock the lid in place. Be careful not to burn yourself with the hot oil.

Allow to fry for 8 to 10 minutes, until the chicken is golden brown and thoroughly cooked.
Once the pieces are cooked, release the pressure according to the manufacturer's directions and remove the chicken to paper towels or a metal rack to drain.
Repeat with the remaining 2 pieces of chicken.

Secret Recipe Tips

The real secret to making this is the Accent in the recipe and using a pressure fryer!
Make sure the oil is at 365 F before frying the chicken. To avoid making a mess, use a utensil when adding the chicken. Quickly lock the lid on the pressure fryer once all the pieces of chicken have been added.
For crispier chicken, use Crisco instead of lard and double-coat the chicken with the flour mixture.

Recipe Source: America's Most Wanted Recipes by Ron Douglas (Atria Books)

Fortunes

A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
A word to the wise is enough.
A writer must not shift your point of view.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Abstain from beans.
Abstenence makes the heart grow fonder.
Adding manpower to a late software project only makes it later.
Adolescence is that period of time between puberty and adultery.
Advancement in position.
Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
Ahah!
Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
Aleph sub alpha is the alpha'th aleph.
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
All art is but imitation of nature.
All art is quite useless.
All great discoveries are made by accident.
All hope abandon, ye who enter here.
All is well that ends well.
All laws are basically false.
All machines are amplifiers.
All men know the utility of useful things, but not know the utility of futility.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
All trends towards Chaos.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
Always cut the cards.
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
Always pick on the correct idiom.
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having the good sense to be lazy.
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
An artist should be fit for the best society and kept out of it.
An atom blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.
An honest God is the noblest work of man.
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Anchovies? You've got the wrong man! I spell my name DANGER! (click)
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
And now for something completely different.
And there's hamburger all over the highway in Mystic, Connecticut.
And they're off!
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.
Antelope freeway--1/4 mile.
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.
Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
Any shrine is better than self-worship.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable.
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.

Han Solo - A Star Wars Story

"Turtles All The Way Down" by John Green

"Turtles All The Way Down" by John Green

The following is the premise of the book from McNally-Robinson.com:

"Turtles All the Way Down" (Signed Edition)

The Wizard has a signed edition. Limited quantities may still be available.

#1 bestselling author John Green returns with his first new novel since "The Fault in Our Stars"!

Sixteen-year-old Aza never intended to pursue the mystery of fugitive billionaire Russell Pickett, but there's a hundred thousand dollar reward at stake and her Best and Most Fearless Friend, Daisy, is eager to investigate. So together, they navigate the short distance and broad divides that separate them from Russell Pickett's son, Davis.

Aza is trying. She is trying to be a good daughter, a good friend, a good student, and maybe even a good detective, while also living within the ever-tightening spiral of her own thoughts.

In his long-awaited return, John Green, the acclaimed, award-winning author of Looking for Alaska and The Fault in Our Stars, shares Aza's story with shattering, unflinching clarity in this brilliant novel of love, resilience, and the power of lifelong friendship.

The Wizard has a signed copy. (Don't tell John, but I'm his #1 fan.... :)

"Turtles all the way down" is a fantastic book following the life story of Aza and hr best friend Daisy. They have a unique friendship, I'd say like close sisters. Aza has a mental illness, and how she copes with it, and how it affects those around her who love her is told in this story with amazing realism. It makes us living with mental illness know we are not alone. John Green has a very cool way to tell a story about what it feels like and is like to live with mental illness. Being betrayed by your brain is the most scary thought there could be. I read the book rather quickly and time (IRL) passed quickly while I read it. I heartily recommend Turtles all the way down, a great read by an accomplished author. Suitable for all ages!

--The Wizard of 'OZ'

John Green is 1/2 of the VLOG Brothers. The following is from Wikipedia:

John Michael Green (born August 24, 1977) is an American author, vlogger, writer, producer, actor and editor. He won the 2006 Printz Award for his debut novel, Looking for Alaska, and his sixth novel, The Fault in Our Stars, debuted at number one on The New York Times Best Seller list in January 2012. The 2014 film adaptation opened at number one at the box office. In 2014, Green was included in Time magazine's list of The 100 Most Influential People in the World. Another film based on a Green novel, Paper Towns, was released on July 24, 2015.

John Green

Aside from being a novelist, Green is also well known for his YouTube ventures. In 2007, he launched the VlogBrothers channel with his brother, Hank Green. Since then, John and Hank have launched events such as Project for Awesome and VidCon and created a total of 11 online series, including Crash Course, an educational channel teaching Literature, History, and Science, later joined by courses in Economics, US Government, Astronomy, Politics, Philosophy, Psychology, Mythology, Sociology, Computer Science, Games, and Film History/Production.

The Oracle of Bacon

click above

This is the most comprehensive version of the Kevin Bacon game on the web. The object of the game is to start with any actor or actress who has been in a movie and connect them to Kevin Bacon in the smallest number of links possible. Two people are linked if they've been in a movie together. We do not consider links through television shows, made-for-tv movies, writers, producers, directors, etc.

Why you need to respect I.T. folks

Simply, "My computer won't start..."

click above to see it in a larger format

Complex, right? Tell me about it. Respect your I.T. folks, they went to college to troubleshoot these for you!

Fairuza Balk - Armed Love Militia - Dream45

The 411 - "Boxing Day"

Boxing Day, December 26th, is a public holiday in the United Kingdom, Australia (excluding South Australia), Canada, New Zealand and countries in the Commonwealth of Nations with a mainly Christian population. It is based on the tradition of giving gifts to the less fortunate members of society. Contemporary Boxing Day in many countries is now a "shopping holiday" associated with after-Christmas sales.

This day is historically England's name for St Stephen's Day - St. Stephen was one of the first Christian martyrs, being stoned to death in Jerusalem around A.D. 34-35 - the 26th December, which is a public holiday in most countries in Europe and many countries around the world with predominantly Christian populations. In the Eastern Orthodox Church, St Stephen's Day is celebrated on the 27th of December, although in Greece the Greek Boxing Day (Synaxis Theotokou, Σύναξις Θεοτόκου) is also celebrated as a public holiday on the 26th of December and is not related to the English version.

In Ireland the Bank Holidays Act 1871 established the feast day of St. Stephen's Day as a non-moveable public holiday on December the 26th, although since partition the name "Boxing Day" is used by the authorities in Northern Ireland and it has become a moveable public holiday in line with the rest of the UK. The Banking and Financial Dealings Act of 1971 established "Boxing Day" as a public holiday in Scotland. In the Australian state of South Australia, December the 26th is a public holiday known as Proclamation Day.

It is usually celebrated on the 26th of December, the day after Christmas Day; however, unlike St Stephen's Day, Boxing Day is not always on the 26th of December, its associated public holiday can be moved to the next weekday if the 26th of December is a Saturday or Sunday. The movement of Boxing Day varies between countries.

Origins
Boxing Day dates back to past centuries when it was the custom for the wealthy to give gifts to employees or to people in a lower social class, most especially to household servants and other service personnel. The name has numerous folk etymologies.

As with Christmas itself, some elements of Boxing Day are also likely related to, and ultimately derived from, the ancient Roman Saturnalia, which also had elements of gift giving and social role reversal.

Date
In the countries that observe this holiday, 26 December is commonly referred to as Boxing Day, no matter what day of the week it occurs. However, in some countries, fixed-date holidays falling on Saturday or Sunday are often observed on the next weekday. Technically, Boxing Day cannot be on a Sunday - that day being the officially recognized day of worship, so traditionally it was the next working day of the week following Christmas Day, (i.e. any day from Monday to Saturday). In recent times this tradition has been either forgotten or ignored, and 26 December is considered by most to be Boxing Day when it falls on a Sunday. 1993 was the last year when 26 December was called Christmas Sunday in the UK; in 1999, the next time the date fell on a Sunday, it was Boxing Day.

If Boxing Day falls on a Saturday, then Monday 28 December is declared a public holiday. In the United Kingdom and some other countries this is accomplished by Royal Proclamation. In some Canadian provinces, Boxing Day is a statutory holiday and is always celebrated on 26 December. As with most statutory holidays in Canada if it falls on a Saturday or Sunday, compensation days are given in the following week.

If Boxing Day falls on a Sunday, then in countries where it is a public holiday the Statutory Holiday is moved to Monday 27 December. In that event, Christmas Day would be on a Saturday, so Tuesday 28 December would be declared a holiday in lieu, that being the next available working day - thus the Boxing Day holiday occurs before the substitute Christmas holiday.

If Christmas Day falls on a Sunday, then Boxing Day is on Monday 26 December, and no Royal Proclamation is required. In such a circumstance, a 'substitute bank holiday in lieu of Christmas Day' is declared for Tuesday 27 December; again with the Boxing Day holiday occurring before the substitute Christmas holiday.

Although the same legislation—the Bank Holidays Act 1871—originally established the Bank Holidays throughout the United Kingdom, the holiday after Christmas was defined as Boxing Day in England and Wales, and the feast day of St. Stephen's Day in Ireland.

In Australia and Canada, Boxing Day is primarily known as a shopping holiday, and a time where stores have sales, often with dramatic price decreases. For many merchants, it has become the day of the year with the greatest revenue. In recent years, this has been expanded to "Boxing Week". While Boxing Day is actually on 26 December, many retailers who hold Boxing Day Sales will run the sales for several days before or after 26 December, often up to New Year's Eve.

In some areas of Canada, particularly in Atlantic Canada and parts of Northern Ontario, most retailers are prohibited by law from opening on Boxing Day. In these cases, any sales specifically scheduled for December 26 are moved to the 27th.
*Wikipedia