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Monday, May 02, 2016

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

So What's Really Bothering You?
My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu. She was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.

After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor asked my daughter, “So what would you say is bothering you the most?”

After a brief pause, my daughter replies, “My little brother Steven, he always breaks my toys.”
Got Any Grapes?
A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, "You got any grapes?" Guy at the counter says, "No, we don't have any grapes." Duck says "okay" and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says, "You got any grapes?" The man once again replies, "No! We do not have any grapes." The duck says "okay" and he leaves.

The third day the duck walks in again and asks, "You got any grapes?" The man is very annoyed and says, "No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!" The duck replies "okay" and leaves.

The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, "You got any nails?" The man at the counter says "No." The duck says, "Well then, you got any grapes?"
Smart Woman in New York
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Paris on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything works out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The bank's president and the loan officer enjoy a good laugh at the woman's expense for using a new Mercedes Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns. She repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return unharmed?"
A Man Walks Into A Bar
A man walks into a bar, already drunk, and asks for a drink. "Sorry," the bartender says, "but you obviously already had a little too much to drink."

Fuming mad the man staggers out the front door and walks back in through the side door. “Can I have a drink please?”

“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.”

The man staggers out again and then stumbles his way back in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink?”

“Enough!” the bartender screamed. “I told you, no drinks!”

The man looks at the bartender closely and exclaims “Geez! How many bars do you work at?!"
The Considerate Husband
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner."

The room got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Visiting Grandma
Grandma, who was becoming an evermore intimidating personality as the years went on, was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, ring my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the grandson asked.

"You're coming empty handed...?"
A Final Exam Miracle
Just before the final exam in a college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached the professor.

“Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked.

The professor gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”

“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
A Penguin Outing
Two men are in a truck driving around with a penguin. Noticing the penguin, a traffic cop stops the truck driver and tells him to take this animal to a zoo right away. The next day, the same cop sees the same two men in the same truck with the same penguin again.

He stops them and says, "Didn't I tell you guys to take this animal to a zoo yesterday?"

The driver replies, "We did officer! We are taking him to the movies today."
Country Refreshment
A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied, "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Best Way to Learn
Little Johnny asks his father, "Where does the wind come from?"
"I don't know."

"Why is the earth round?"
"I don't know."

"Why do dogs bark?"
"I don't know."

Little Johnny pauses for a beat, "Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"
"Not at all son. How else are you going to learn."
Poor Mom Is Still Stuck
When the Smith family moved into their new house, a visiting grandparent asked five-year-old Tommy how he liked the new place.

“It’s great,” he said. “I have my own room, Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still stuck with dad.”
When You Get to be 105
Reporter interviewing a 105-year-old lady....

"What is the best thing about being 105?" the reporter asked.

The old lady replied, "No peer pressure."
We Might As Well Give Up
Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights!"

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