by Charlie Farquharson
Aquahairyass Jan 21-Feb 20
Piskeys Feb 19-Mar 20
Airace Mar 21-Apr 20
Toarass Apr 21-May 21
Jiminy May 22-Jun 21
Cansir Jun 22-Jul 23
Leeyo Jul 24-Aug 23
Vertgo Aug 24-Sep 23
Libberer Sep 24-Oct 23
Scorepee-o Oct 24-Nov 22
Saggytairass Nov 23-Dec 21
Crappycorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Seasons
Winter Dec 22-Mar 20
Spring Mar 20-Jun 21
Summer Jun 21-Sep 22
Autumn Sep 22-Dec 22
PLANITS OF YER UNIVERSAL
YER SUN Senter of the hole rang-dang-doo and alwaze in heat. Also suffers from comiscal blackheads which gives us a lot of statick. Yer Sun is God of yer heart & spine as far as it goes.
YER MOON Goddess of brests and bawdy flooids. It travills round yer Earth in a lippstickle orbit, and is uninhibited except fer what yer assternuts lest after ther last nockturnally mission.
MURKRY, God of X Communications ...(Adults only)...Murkry is yer smallist & most hothouse of yer planits. They say it has no atmusfeer. But boy, kin it put peeple under the infloonce. Speshully Virgins & Twins.
VEENIS, Godass of bewdy & the lumber regions. As a planit, not so much in heet as you'd think. More like smog. She gets a rise out of a lot of us, speshully yer Libbers & Toarasses.
MARSE, He's the God of violents, and wirld whores. Controls yer Airaces.
JOOPTER: Yer biggest planit and a bit of a gas. Rools over Saggytairass like a king.
SLATTERN: Close-up looks like a preggrunt frizzbee. Hangs over Crappycorns
YERANUS: God of preeversion and sexual D.V.Asian
NEPCHEWN: Exerts big pull on Yeranus and makes water and gas at will
PLUTOE: God of big bizness, and a dog of a start, it leans toward other planeits if unleashd. In charge of vulcanoes, erthquakes and ScoreP.o.s.
LUCKY JIMSTONES
Garnit, sapfife, amafist, onicks and moon-stoned. Also dymond (because the carats are good for you), & Emmrild (Lucky fer yer Toarass. Not so lucky fer them as has to give it to them).
This is not too desecrative of joolery but can be a powerful maggot fer to attrack the opposit of yer sex. Ware around yer neck in a jockular vane, and suck prospecks in under that holley-then yer set fer a big nite of roamants.
WHAT's Yer Sign?
Crappycorn Erthy tipes, with clove hoofs & horny too if yer simbol-minded. They was born to git other people's goats, and tend to but in and paw the turf till their nanny comes.
PISKEYS Yer Piskeys sine is a pair of fishies on a leesh, the one swimmin' one way and the th'other swimmin' the t'other -yer upper & yer down-streemer, showin' that there's some Piskeys don't know wich end is up. YER NEGGATIVS:weak, vaig, impracticke, unpunkchill
POSTIVE ASSPEXX: Humility, come-passion & simpathee
AIRACES Yer ram is rules by Marse, yer Wore God, and they butt in where the feel like. Some AIraces never grow up and become seenile delinkwents.
GOOD POINTS: Fulla beans & curridge, & sexy in a fast way
NOTSOGOOD POINTS: Pushy, rood, selfish. They'd trample anyone to git to the top, and on the way sell ther grammother for cab fare.
TOARASS is yer sine of yer Bull, stable and fixed. Yer Toarass sure likes ther roots. They is pritty much sticky-at-homes, like to rap therselves in ther secure-titty blanket. They sure groan a good board: They likes to live good, have nice things around them (like fresh straw in ther stalls). They is slow to git mad, but look out if they see red. They have good rithm, wich helps if you are Cathlick. A Toarass on his ram-page is hell on weels.
GOOD POINTS: Steddy, truss-worthy, infectionit, relye-a-bull.
BAD POINTS: Jellus, hates to be counter-dicted, stubbern, boring & possesiv.
LOOKS: Toarasses is sposed to be the best lookin', as long as you don't mind the tipe that walks slow, looks down at yer erth and chews ther cud a lot.
Lucky Number: Sex
Cansir Yer BirthDay Fortchune & Guide
by Charlie Farquharson
Yer astrological sine is CANSIR, Yer ruling planit is THE MOON
Cansir is one of yer more watery sines, and states the case fer yer Crabs. That don't mean Cansirs is all that Crabby...jist with-drawers into ther shells...beneath that shell is often a sensativ sole and sumtimes a weak karacter. But not weak in ther morls, jist sorta soft in the head. Reel worry worts, they make frownin' into a work a'fart. This is the time of year, yer Summer Stallstiss, wich is big on fertility and contraception.
POSTIVS: Simpathetic, pertectiv, & deevoted to yer home & harth.
NEGTIVS: Moony & Moody. They sit on ther grudge & hold it frever. Sumtimes, after drikin, they waller in self-piddy, till you wud think yer Cansir was more'n haff Piskey.
Cansirs is grate cooks, loves to spread ther bords. Cansir kids is eesly hurt inside) & they never forget a slite thing. Yer old Cansir kin tell yuh wat he had fer breckfist 30 yeer ago. Fer yer Cansir, life is pure shell.
Luck Stones: Moon's Tone, Perls (yer perls harber in oisters are best found in months with arse in em.)
Kareers: Cansirs shud git a stable job, and they cud clean up. They are good workers with big long mammarys and shud mebbe contrack out to Eye Bee Em as compewters.
LEEYO - yer ruling planit is THE SUN
They is always fulla beans and will drop them anywheres. All they ask isfer to have ther own way in everything, been as how they are born to rool. Leeyos don't take nothin' lying down, even tho bein' fixed and on fire at the same time must make them feel like a weeny at a roast. Life is a jungle, and yer Leeyo want the run of it.
GOODBITS: Curridge, ambishin, self-rely-ants, dignity, all yer lyin trates. Good orgy-nizers.
BAD BITS: Powr-mad, pompous, conseated, downrite insufferbull.
They is pashanit devvils and no mistake. Over-sexed well into senile-titty, they play cat with yer mouse long past other people's bedtimes. At the end, don't fergit, they expeck applaws.
VERTGOS - Yer ruling planit is MURKRY
VERTGO is a dizzy, femnin, erthy sine; the sine of yer fussed-budget, the one makes everybuddy else on edge by emptying all the ashtrays and pickin' the lint offa yer coller wile they talk. Funny thing, as they sit ther pickin' ther nits, they offen can't see the trees fer the term-mites. Hard workers tho, even when they try to relacks. Vertgo takes great stratusfaction is grabbin falyure oua the jaws of sucksess.
POSTIV UPPERS: Tydy, honist,modess (Hell, they got lots to be modess about)
NEGTIV DOWNERS: Worry worts, hype-a-cricketall, fussy and finky.
Bein under the sine of Chastititty kin be a problem is yer simbolminded. Vertgos is yer orignal Inhibitants. You talk about compleetly aloof, some of them is the compleetest loofs you ever saw. Vertgos is yer happy worriers and make great hippy-con-dryacks. They swally vitemin pills like they was Smartys, and are always on a die-yet (nothin' but food and black cawfy). Also fond of outbrakes of disinterdry and dire-rear.
KAREERS: They are good in the anal bizness... anal-izing.. anal-alysis...anal reports
LUCKY DAY: When Day (Sum day yer blooprince will cum)
TENDENCY: Brown-nosing yer Grindstone
LIBBERANS - Yer ruling planit is VEENIS
Libberer is another of yer Carnal sines, rooled (and fooled) by Veenis. Some Libberers is well-ballantsed, on accounta the simble is yer Scales. Libberans is always saying to sumbuddy else: "It's not rite, it's not fare!!" It's easy to git them to change ther minds because they wanta git on the good side of everbuddy. They was born with the sine "On Approoval" and will do anything to git it, even if it meens changin ther pinions more offen than ther undywares.
POSSITIVS: Charmin, eezy goin, sweet & refind. An esthetick tipe
NEGGITIVS: Flirty, frivluss, resentfull and pritty umbalanced
A lotts Libs is lushus lookers, Libberers don't like to be aloan, and rarely gits the chants.
Karreers: Libbers don't like to do the dirty work. They shud be fashin moodles, bewtitians, or inferior desecrators. Libberers avoid discords and make better dipple-mattresses then peeano tooners. With all that balance, gud bankers or even a cirkus jugular.
Lucky Number: Six (six appeals)
Hobby: Bein' pritty
Tendency: To git even
Aquahairyass.
The simble fer this sine is making waves, so you can expeck a lotta rebbles and excentricks. Also inverters. Aquahairyass is yer mothe of inventers, so fergit the old saying about incessity being yer mother'sinvention.
FISCAL FEECHERS: Reglar, almost hansom in a store-dummy sorta way.
STRENGTHS: Progressively friendly, interested in yer Brothers Hood of Man, but semmy-detached, conserned for youmanity in the abstrack. Tend to foller conventions.
WEAKNESSES: Fibb a lot, and like to be manipple-aters
LUCKY FLOWR: Yer pansy or yer daffydill
LUCKY CULLERS: Labendoor, other past-tell shades
JIMINIES
Now listen, both of you ...jit yer heads outa the sand & use that good old-fashioned grit. You've had yer whoopee fer a wile. Help from unexpected sorcers in September. This 2 headed munster is seen in the sky every nite as Casterer and Pole-axe, a pair of kids (the kind which git yer goat) that make up two of yer brightest stars in the hevvily constipation.
Jimminy is what they call yer Mute-able sine, always goin' thru the changes, fulla speed and livin' on ther nerves (and on other people's too). Jiminies got this intelleckyule net. They is awful good ar crothword puzzles, form langridges and sarcasticks. Better at wordplay than sordplay, they kin still run a few peeple thru the vowels.
GOOS ASSPECKS: Widdy, yuthfull, fulla beens and grate at partys. (But count yer silverware after. They'll eat yer cake and have yer plate too).
BAD ASSPECKS: Restless, jumpy, gossipy, hippycrits and genially untrussworthy
LOVE: Jiminy is yer cool cat...flirty but not dirty and sot after on accounta ther verse-agility.
SPORTS: Jiminies are best at teo-part sports like yer ping and yer pong. Who's better than Jiminy wen it comes to playing with yerself?
LUCKY JOOLS: Ag-its (Jiminies never lose ther marbles)
TENDENCYS: Splits pursnality. Jiminies tend to fork off in all directions.
KAREER: Since they are experts at cunning and frod, they make good 'ners.
Aquahairyass Jan 21-Feb 20
Piskeys Feb 19-Mar 20
Airace Mar 21-Apr 20
Toarass Apr 21-May 21
Jiminy May 22-Jun 21
Cansir Jun 22-Jul 23
Leeyo Jul 24-Aug 23
Vertgo Aug 24-Sep 23
Libberer Sep 24-Oct 23
Scorepee-o Oct 24-Nov 22
Saggytairass Nov 23-Dec 21
Crappycorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Seasons
Winter Dec 22-Mar 20
Spring Mar 20-Jun 21
Summer Jun 21-Sep 22
Autumn Sep 22-Dec 22
PLANITS OF YER UNIVERSAL
YER SUN Senter of the hole rang-dang-doo and alwaze in heat. Also suffers from comiscal blackheads which gives us a lot of statick. Yer Sun is God of yer heart & spine as far as it goes.
YER MOON Goddess of brests and bawdy flooids. It travills round yer Earth in a lippstickle orbit, and is uninhibited except fer what yer assternuts lest after ther last nockturnally mission.
MURKRY, God of X Communications ...(Adults only)...Murkry is yer smallist & most hothouse of yer planits. They say it has no atmusfeer. But boy, kin it put peeple under the infloonce. Speshully Virgins & Twins.
VEENIS, Godass of bewdy & the lumber regions. As a planit, not so much in heet as you'd think. More like smog. She gets a rise out of a lot of us, speshully yer Libbers & Toarasses.
MARSE, He's the God of violents, and wirld whores. Controls yer Airaces.
JOOPTER: Yer biggest planit and a bit of a gas. Rools over Saggytairass like a king.
SLATTERN: Close-up looks like a preggrunt frizzbee. Hangs over Crappycorns
YERANUS: God of preeversion and sexual D.V.Asian
NEPCHEWN: Exerts big pull on Yeranus and makes water and gas at will
PLUTOE: God of big bizness, and a dog of a start, it leans toward other planeits if unleashd. In charge of vulcanoes, erthquakes and ScoreP.o.s.
LUCKY JIMSTONES
Garnit, sapfife, amafist, onicks and moon-stoned. Also dymond (because the carats are good for you), & Emmrild (Lucky fer yer Toarass. Not so lucky fer them as has to give it to them).
This is not too desecrative of joolery but can be a powerful maggot fer to attrack the opposit of yer sex. Ware around yer neck in a jockular vane, and suck prospecks in under that holley-then yer set fer a big nite of roamants.
WHAT's Yer Sign?
Crappycorn Erthy tipes, with clove hoofs & horny too if yer simbol-minded. They was born to git other people's goats, and tend to but in and paw the turf till their nanny comes.
PISKEYS Yer Piskeys sine is a pair of fishies on a leesh, the one swimmin' one way and the th'other swimmin' the t'other -yer upper & yer down-streemer, showin' that there's some Piskeys don't know wich end is up. YER NEGGATIVS:weak, vaig, impracticke, unpunkchill
POSTIVE ASSPEXX: Humility, come-passion & simpathee
AIRACES Yer ram is rules by Marse, yer Wore God, and they butt in where the feel like. Some AIraces never grow up and become seenile delinkwents.
GOOD POINTS: Fulla beans & curridge, & sexy in a fast way
NOTSOGOOD POINTS: Pushy, rood, selfish. They'd trample anyone to git to the top, and on the way sell ther grammother for cab fare.
TOARASS is yer sine of yer Bull, stable and fixed. Yer Toarass sure likes ther roots. They is pritty much sticky-at-homes, like to rap therselves in ther secure-titty blanket. They sure groan a good board: They likes to live good, have nice things around them (like fresh straw in ther stalls). They is slow to git mad, but look out if they see red. They have good rithm, wich helps if you are Cathlick. A Toarass on his ram-page is hell on weels.
GOOD POINTS: Steddy, truss-worthy, infectionit, relye-a-bull.
BAD POINTS: Jellus, hates to be counter-dicted, stubbern, boring & possesiv.
LOOKS: Toarasses is sposed to be the best lookin', as long as you don't mind the tipe that walks slow, looks down at yer erth and chews ther cud a lot.
Lucky Number: Sex
Cansir Yer BirthDay Fortchune & Guide
by Charlie Farquharson
Yer astrological sine is CANSIR, Yer ruling planit is THE MOON
Cansir is one of yer more watery sines, and states the case fer yer Crabs. That don't mean Cansirs is all that Crabby...jist with-drawers into ther shells...beneath that shell is often a sensativ sole and sumtimes a weak karacter. But not weak in ther morls, jist sorta soft in the head. Reel worry worts, they make frownin' into a work a'fart. This is the time of year, yer Summer Stallstiss, wich is big on fertility and contraception.
POSTIVS: Simpathetic, pertectiv, & deevoted to yer home & harth.
NEGTIVS: Moony & Moody. They sit on ther grudge & hold it frever. Sumtimes, after drikin, they waller in self-piddy, till you wud think yer Cansir was more'n haff Piskey.
Cansirs is grate cooks, loves to spread ther bords. Cansir kids is eesly hurt inside) & they never forget a slite thing. Yer old Cansir kin tell yuh wat he had fer breckfist 30 yeer ago. Fer yer Cansir, life is pure shell.
Luck Stones: Moon's Tone, Perls (yer perls harber in oisters are best found in months with arse in em.)
Kareers: Cansirs shud git a stable job, and they cud clean up. They are good workers with big long mammarys and shud mebbe contrack out to Eye Bee Em as compewters.
LEEYO - yer ruling planit is THE SUN
They is always fulla beans and will drop them anywheres. All they ask isfer to have ther own way in everything, been as how they are born to rool. Leeyos don't take nothin' lying down, even tho bein' fixed and on fire at the same time must make them feel like a weeny at a roast. Life is a jungle, and yer Leeyo want the run of it.
GOODBITS: Curridge, ambishin, self-rely-ants, dignity, all yer lyin trates. Good orgy-nizers.
BAD BITS: Powr-mad, pompous, conseated, downrite insufferbull.
They is pashanit devvils and no mistake. Over-sexed well into senile-titty, they play cat with yer mouse long past other people's bedtimes. At the end, don't fergit, they expeck applaws.
VERTGOS - Yer ruling planit is MURKRY
VERTGO is a dizzy, femnin, erthy sine; the sine of yer fussed-budget, the one makes everybuddy else on edge by emptying all the ashtrays and pickin' the lint offa yer coller wile they talk. Funny thing, as they sit ther pickin' ther nits, they offen can't see the trees fer the term-mites. Hard workers tho, even when they try to relacks. Vertgo takes great stratusfaction is grabbin falyure oua the jaws of sucksess.
POSTIV UPPERS: Tydy, honist,modess (Hell, they got lots to be modess about)
NEGTIV DOWNERS: Worry worts, hype-a-cricketall, fussy and finky.
Bein under the sine of Chastititty kin be a problem is yer simbolminded. Vertgos is yer orignal Inhibitants. You talk about compleetly aloof, some of them is the compleetest loofs you ever saw. Vertgos is yer happy worriers and make great hippy-con-dryacks. They swally vitemin pills like they was Smartys, and are always on a die-yet (nothin' but food and black cawfy). Also fond of outbrakes of disinterdry and dire-rear.
KAREERS: They are good in the anal bizness... anal-izing.. anal-alysis...anal reports
LUCKY DAY: When Day (Sum day yer blooprince will cum)
TENDENCY: Brown-nosing yer Grindstone
LIBBERANS - Yer ruling planit is VEENIS
Libberer is another of yer Carnal sines, rooled (and fooled) by Veenis. Some Libberers is well-ballantsed, on accounta the simble is yer Scales. Libberans is always saying to sumbuddy else: "It's not rite, it's not fare!!" It's easy to git them to change ther minds because they wanta git on the good side of everbuddy. They was born with the sine "On Approoval" and will do anything to git it, even if it meens changin ther pinions more offen than ther undywares.
POSSITIVS: Charmin, eezy goin, sweet & refind. An esthetick tipe
NEGGITIVS: Flirty, frivluss, resentfull and pritty umbalanced
A lotts Libs is lushus lookers, Libberers don't like to be aloan, and rarely gits the chants.
Karreers: Libbers don't like to do the dirty work. They shud be fashin moodles, bewtitians, or inferior desecrators. Libberers avoid discords and make better dipple-mattresses then peeano tooners. With all that balance, gud bankers or even a cirkus jugular.
Lucky Number: Six (six appeals)
Hobby: Bein' pritty
Tendency: To git even
Aquahairyass.
The simble fer this sine is making waves, so you can expeck a lotta rebbles and excentricks. Also inverters. Aquahairyass is yer mothe of inventers, so fergit the old saying about incessity being yer mother'sinvention.
FISCAL FEECHERS: Reglar, almost hansom in a store-dummy sorta way.
STRENGTHS: Progressively friendly, interested in yer Brothers Hood of Man, but semmy-detached, conserned for youmanity in the abstrack. Tend to foller conventions.
WEAKNESSES: Fibb a lot, and like to be manipple-aters
LUCKY FLOWR: Yer pansy or yer daffydill
LUCKY CULLERS: Labendoor, other past-tell shades
JIMINIES
Now listen, both of you ...jit yer heads outa the sand & use that good old-fashioned grit. You've had yer whoopee fer a wile. Help from unexpected sorcers in September. This 2 headed munster is seen in the sky every nite as Casterer and Pole-axe, a pair of kids (the kind which git yer goat) that make up two of yer brightest stars in the hevvily constipation.
Jimminy is what they call yer Mute-able sine, always goin' thru the changes, fulla speed and livin' on ther nerves (and on other people's too). Jiminies got this intelleckyule net. They is awful good ar crothword puzzles, form langridges and sarcasticks. Better at wordplay than sordplay, they kin still run a few peeple thru the vowels.
GOOS ASSPECKS: Widdy, yuthfull, fulla beens and grate at partys. (But count yer silverware after. They'll eat yer cake and have yer plate too).
BAD ASSPECKS: Restless, jumpy, gossipy, hippycrits and genially untrussworthy
LOVE: Jiminy is yer cool cat...flirty but not dirty and sot after on accounta ther verse-agility.
SPORTS: Jiminies are best at teo-part sports like yer ping and yer pong. Who's better than Jiminy wen it comes to playing with yerself?
LUCKY JOOLS: Ag-its (Jiminies never lose ther marbles)
TENDENCYS: Splits pursnality. Jiminies tend to fork off in all directions.
KAREER: Since they are experts at cunning and frod, they make good 'ners.
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