Dead Fly
There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate ........ and ate ... and then ... she ate some more!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.
She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas .....she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution!
She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor....Dead fly.
The moral of this sad story?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
Where Are Your Glasses???
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
Raymond & Bubba tipical woman
(Alabama mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. 'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman said, " hand me that wrench out of your toolbox." She loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement, and announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.
Raymond shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a Miss know-it-all woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh cow manure.
Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.
She ate ........ and ate ... and then ... she ate some more!
Finally, she decided she'd had plenty.
She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.
But alas .....she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.
She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.
She'd found a solution!
She realized that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again.
So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle.
Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.
She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor....Dead fly.
The moral of this sad story?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.
Where Are Your Glasses???
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
Raymond & Bubba tipical woman
(Alabama mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. 'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder.'
The woman said, " hand me that wrench out of your toolbox." She loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement, and announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.
Raymond shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a Miss know-it-all woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'
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