Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners

A women’s lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, “Where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

She paused a moment and looked around the room. “I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?”

From the back of the room came a voice, “He’d be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.”



There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!" said the old woman.



Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas.

One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began:

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Osifer, I've been robbed!"

"Can you be more specific sir?"

"Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."

"Could you please repeat that sir?" By now there's a crowd gathering around the dispatcher's chair.

"Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel."

"Sir, what is your location?"

"I'm in my car."

"Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?"

"Yes, shur. I'm on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!"

"Alright, sir, we'll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm."

The phone call ends at this point but not five minutes later another call comes in.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Osifer?"

"Yes, what is your emergency please?"

"Osifer, this is me again. I just found my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."

"Okay, sir. Are you still needing assistance?"

"No, shur, I was just in the back seat."



A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can't stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him.

The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s' talking about! We learned the hymn 'Gladly The Cross I'd Bear'".



A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning: first he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour. To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking aback and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked; why don’t you just throw out the pest? “Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, we don’t even have an air conditioner.”

A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table.

"What are you doing?" asked his mom.

"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken," said the little boy. "I'm looking for the seal."