The Cork Soakers

Giuseppe.....Horatio Sanz
Marcello.....Jimmy Fallon
Female Tourist.....Janet Jackson
Male Tourist.....Chris Parnell
Luigi.....Fred Armisen
Cork Soaker #1.....Seth Meyers
Cork Soaker #2.....Darrell Hammond
Monica.....Maya Rudolph
Carmella.....Rachel Dratch

[ open on footage of wine country ]

[ dissolve to interior, corking room, as Giuseppe enters with tour group]

Giuseppe: Right this way, folks. You're now entering.. the corking room. This is where.. the final step in the bottling process happens - where we prepare all the corks for all the bottles of Brunello that you saw earlier.

Marcello: Any questions? [ a hand is raised ] Yes?

Female Tourist: I've always actually wondered about that. How do you cork the bottles?

Marcello: Excellent-a question, ma bella. As you can see, we are -asoaking all of the corks in this room right now. These three guys right here are some of the most talented cork soakers! Say hello, you all cork soakers!

[ the three cork soakers turn around and wave happily to the tour group ]

Male Tourist: Now, I'm curious - how does one become a cork soaker.

Giuseppe: As we-a like-a to say, "Cork soakers are born, not made."

Marcello: Yeah. Luigi here was simply born to soak cork! Come say hi, Luigi!

Luigi: I love-a soaking the cork! I could-a soak the cork all night long, if they let me! I want to-a soak two corks at once!

Female Tourist: So.. are all corks the same?

Marcello: No, no, no..

Cork Soaker #1: I like-a to soak the big-a, thick-a corks!

Luigi: I like-a the long-a, skinny ones.

Cork Soaker #2: I like-a the dark-a ones.

Giuseppe: The great-a thing about the cork soaking, is that while you are-a soaking the cork, you can also.. massage-a the grapes, until the cork is ready. [ holds up a bunch of grapes ]

Marcello: That's right.

Female Tourist: [ stumbling, on the verge of cracking up ] So, how did you learn to sork.. corks -- suck -- soak corks?

Marcello: You know, I'll never forget the first time I soaked-a cork. I was fifteen, in-a summer camp.

Female Tourist: You know, I've noticed that all the cork soakers are men. Do women make good soakers?

Giuseppe: Oh, yes! Yes! Monica, Carmella - come in here!

Marcello: Come in here.

[ Monica and Carmella enter scene ]

Giuseppe: Monica.. tell-a these-a nice-a people.. how you soak the cork.

Monica: Well, ever since I started soaking cork, I'm the most popular girl in school!

Marcello: It's-a true - men come-a from all over just to watch her soak a cork. And Grandma Carmella still-a soaking cork at age 87! I got ot say that, too!

Carmella: [ speaking with her gums ] It's crazy! Ever since I lost my teeth, people tell me I soak the cork better than ever!

Female Tourist: Wow, this soaking corks really seems like a family business. So.. does your wife like soaking.. [ laughing ] ..s-s-soaking cork?

Marcello: Well.. she used to, when we were dating. Now, not so much.

Male Tourist: Um.. could you teach me how to soak cork?

Giuseppe: You know.. when-a you walked in here.. I could-a sworn you already an expert cork soaker!

Male Tourist: [ flattered ] Thank you! I dabbled in college. Um.. but, let me ask you this - do you ever run out of corks to soak?

Marcello: Oh, yeah, I'll never forget this one that was unusually large. And I thought Giuseppe would need extra cork.

Giuseppe: And I thought Marcello would need more corks.

Marcello: So we soaked-a each other's corks at the same time! [ to Giuseppe ] Do you remember that?

Giuseppe: Can you imagine that? Me-a soaking his cork.. while-a he soaked mine?

Marcello: Oh, boy!

Giuseppe: What year was that?

Marcello: The year we soaked each other's corks?

Giuseppe: Yes.

Marcello: That-a was, what.. that was like, sixty.. late 60's, right?

Giuseppe: Yes.

Marcello: Sixty.. eight?

Giuseppe: I-a wanted to say.. 70.

Marcello: No.. you sure it wasn't one earlier than that?

Giuseppe: It was sometime or other..

Marcello: Let's just say between 68 and 70, alright?

Female Tourist: This is all really so fascinating. So, do you think that one of you could teach me how to soak.. soak.. [ laughing ] ..s-s-soak corks?

[ the cork soakers cheer excitedly, each rallying to be the one to teach the beautfiul tourist the art of their craft ]

Giuseppe: Oh, I'm sorry. Come with me, ma bella. I will let you soak-a my cork as long as you like!

[ they depart from the group ]

Marcello: Cheers! Cheers!

[ fade out ]