GIGGLES, SNORTS, AND GUFFAWS

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . .
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement.
~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
~Mark Twain