ON WE GIVE UP
"Is the south boundary of the north half of the southeast quarter of the northwest quarter the same line as the north boundary of the south half of the southeast quarter of the northwest quarter?"
--asked by a lawyer, as recorded in court testimony
ON MAD DOCTORS, OBVIOUSLY MAD
Young woman: Oh, here comes Dr. Carruthers! Hello, Doctor.
Mad doctor: Hello, Mary! I took a shortcut from my laboratory through a garden hedge!
--from The Devil Bat (1941)
ON WE DON’T QUITE TRUST HIS ASSESSMENT
"Lombardo speaks much better English than what people realize."
--Crystal Palace soccer team owner Mark Goldberg
ON GUESS DAD WAS EVEN MORE EXCITED
STUDENT EXCITED
DAD GOT HEAD JOB
--headline in the University (of Kansas) Daily Kansan
ON LOVE THOSE BUREAUCRATS!
"A person shall not be treated as suffering from physical disablement such that he is either unable to walk or virtually unable to do so if he is not unable or virtually unable to walk with a prosthesis or an artificial aid which he habitually wears or uses or if he would not be unable or virtually unable to walk if he habitually wore or used a prosthesis or an artificial aid which is suitable in his case."
--from a Department of Health and Social Services report, explaining mobility allowances for the disabled
ON THANKS FOR SPELLING IT OUT
"The sun rose promptly at dawn."
--in bestselling author Tom Clancy’s novel The Teeth of the Tiger
ON BRIT, SHUT UP
"I kinda think [Mona Lisa’s] like my alter ego. Whenever I feel like being mean or bustin’ people to get stuff right, it’s kinda easier to be called Mona Lisa instead of Britney."
--singer Britney Spears
ON LET’S LET SENATORS BE SENATORS, AND ROCK LYRICISTS, ROCK LYRICISTS
"America rocks! America rocks!
From its busy bustling cities
To its quiet country walks
It’s totally cool, it’s totally hot
I mean it’s like right there at the top
America rocks! America rocks! America rocks!"
--lyrics from a song by Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah), which he described as a “patriotic rock song for children”
ON YOU MEAN IT’S NOT SARA LEE?
Host: Which First Lady was forced to flee the White House when the British invaded Washington, D.C., during the Revolutionary War? Hint: She makes great snack cakes!
Caller: Little Debbie?
--on the WQXI radio show 2 Live Stews, Atlanta, Georgia (The correct answer, of course, is Dolley Madison
NO COMMENT DEPARTMENT
"Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
--horse racing announcer Stewart Machin, on jockey Tony McCoy
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