Dear Love Doctor,
I'm always striking out when it comes to picking up guys. I mean I go to the clubs, and try to look cute, but I always get ignored. I end up going home and 'hand' -ling it myself, if you know what I mean.... I think I look ok, just nothing special.
I need help to get a guy! I am at wits end!
Signed,
Disappointed
Dear Disappointed,
Oh, my you are desperate aren't you? When you have everything going for you - looks, brains, money, Chia pet, lava lamp, everything Ralph Lauren ever made - finding true romance is primarily a matter of selecting the right pickup line.
Unfortunately, with so many different lines to choose from, matching an appropriate line to any given potential scoring situation can be more difficult than you would think.
Of course, I would be the wrong person to ask, because I still haven't found one that works, but I've found plenty that don't work, which will at least help you figure out what not to say.
There are four common pickup line engagement strategies used when pursuing sex, as follows:
The Direct Approach
Everyone is familiar with this technique, or lack thereof. Basically it amounts to "putting your cards on the table," "getting to the point," "laying it on the line," "telling it like it is," and, in a nutshell, being honest.
Wanna have sex?
Could you spare a few dollars? I can't pay my bar tab.
I wanna put my thingy into your thingy (or vice versa).
No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
I just threw up.
I'm out of Viagra, can I use you instead?
Yo, my friend likes you.
The Flattery Will Get You Nowhere Approach
A slightly more traditional but very common method is to impress the person with an elegant opening compliment. Reliable sources tell me that a simple "Wow," whistle, or cat call has an astounding success rate when properly deployed. Take that into consideration before trying any of the following:
You'll do.
Nice [body part], mind if I fondle it for a while?
You don't sweat much for a fat person.
The more I drink, the sexier you get!
Oh excuse me! I thought you were a moose.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
You have the ass of a great artist.
I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag!
The Cheese Factory Approach
Being as corny as Johnboy Walton isn't as popular as it used to be, but on rare occasions guys have been known to dig sappy men. If you look at them with sad puppy eyes at the same time you might get a few extra sympathy points. Powerful medication is recommended before attempting lines like these:
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
I didn't know that angels could fly so low!
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
We look sooo cute together!
Stand still so I can pick you up!
The Confuse And Conquer Approach
This is a tactic built on the principal of momentarily bewildering your prey so that you can go for their jugular before they realize that they are in danger. It may also deceive them into believing that you're a very clever and witty person, if only for a couple seconds. That should give you just enough time to think of something equally brilliant to follow up with to avoid sounding like a total moron. Write a few of these on your hand for future reference:
I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.
If I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You know, if you were naked, you'd look just like Michelangelo's David.
I've been noticing you not noticing me.
If I told you I just shaved my butt, would you screw me?
The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Good luck and Godspeed!
The Love Doctor
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