WASHINGTON, DC—Responding to a dramatic increase in cases of starry-eyed gazing and spontaneous poetry, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a general health warning Tuesday for hazardous levels of atmospheric romance across the entire North American continent.
"Early indications of romantic exposure include a flushing of the skin around the face, neck, and chest, accelerated heartbeat, rapid eyelash batting, and sighs," EPA administrator Steven Johnson said at a morning press conference. "Left untreated, the ailment progresses rapidly, leading to aimless strolls, floral purchases, and a form of acute and regressive aphasia in which the victim's speech degenerates into that of a young child."
According to Johnson, teens, recently married couples, and people who have not yet had all of the hope drained out of them by bitter life experience are at the greatest risk.
"We recommend that members of high-risk groups minimize their exposure by staying indoors, covering up, and avoiding old flames, which can react with even trace elements of sexual chemistry to ignite free-floating passions," Johnson said. "Those living in scenic parts of the country are at an especially high risk, and are strongly urged to avoid dazzling sunsets, mountain vistas, fields of wildflowers, and sun-dappled lakes."
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