(VATICAN CITY) — The Vatican has released a strict new set of Church laws intended to reduce the nocturnal emissions of teenage polluters by 50 percent in the next decade, Cardinal Antoni Bertoli announced Monday.
Above: Cardinal Bertoli.
"In the past 10 years, unholy emissions from young men have risen by 150 million cubic centimeters, releasing erotic-dream byproducts into the bedsheet environment," Bertoli said. "The accumulation of pollutants from millions of individual violators around the world is having a devastating effect on the moral atmosphere."
Vatican scientists believe the increase in emissions contributes to the Hothouse Effect, a steady rise in the overall temperature of the average Catholic male's genitals.
"Unchecked, we will soon reach a crisis point that no amount of will power can contain," Bertoli said.
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Monday, July 04, 2005
VATICAN TIGHTENS NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS STANDARDS
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