I am an twenty-one year-old male with a five year old problem. I am in love with my one of my best friends. At least I think I am in love with him.
When I first met him, we never hit it off. He was always so annoying. But then we got to know each other better and he sort of grew on me. Not very long after I started to get to know him, I started to think about him romantically. Soon after, we became like brothers, always together. And my feelings have done nothing but grown since then. It took me a couple of years to work up the courage to tell him about the feelings I had for him. When I finally did, he told me that we had too good of a friendship, that he didn't want to ruin it, that I was like a brother to him and that he couldn't feel that way for me. I guess I will be forever admiring him from afar, and I guess I will have to be satisfied with a 1 way romantic relationship.
Several times the feelings I feel had grown so strong that I needed to take time away from him, which just gave me more time to fantasize about how great he is and how someday he has to give me a shot. However, when I am away from him for so long, I miss him so much that the only thing I want to do is be with him. It hurts to know he doesn't feel the same way. I have cried about this over and over..
The only advice I have gotten so far is to 'get over it', and if I could, I would. But I can't.
I think that the reason I can't get over this is because I can't let go of the hopes that someday, he may change him mind. And I believe in my heart of hearts that if he did feel the same, I would marry him in a heartbeat. And there I go again with the 'ifs'.
I'm sure that you get a lot of mail, and thank you for listening... please, help me.
Not my bro, man
It sounds to me like he isn’t negating the fact that you are ‘coming out’ with your thoughts to him, so it would seem for the mosty part he is open to having a relationship with another man. That’s good. You have been friends for about 5 years and I’m positive he has known about your feelings for a long time, but is not acting on them. You say he has a girlfriend, and you are either asking him to give her up for you or that you want to pull him away from her. Love is a strong force. Perhaps your friend isn’t showing his lustful feelings for you because he’s in the closet. Just maybe, you can get hime to see the light and come out to his girlfriend before it gets too serious. Rarely a man will find true happiness in a relationship that isn’t meant to be. Have a frank talk with your friend and explain to him why he should give up the love he has for his girlfriend so that she may truly be free to have a full, loving relationship from a man that is totally heterosexual. She will understand that he is coming to grips with his homosexuality and may be hurt at first but will come to accept it as the preferred result in this 3 way relationship. But for you... don’t think for a moment that she will like you. At least not right away, as you have destroyed her fantasy by yanking away her Price Charming. Lick your wounds and hope that your best friend will see you the way you want to be seen. But don’t push it. In his eyes you are still brothers and that takes romantic love off the table. Be happy with his decisions and keep an ear open for what he says/means so that maybe, just, maybe sex with you both is on the table.
Hope this helps,
The Love Doctor