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Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Creative Labs Keyboard Drum Demo

THE SON

This is great.

Take a moment to read it; it will make your day! The ending will surprise you....


A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art..

When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands..

He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly...

He often talked about you, and your love for art.' The young man held out this package. 'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.'

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture.. 'Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift.'

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors cameto his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. 'We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?'

There was silence...

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, 'We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one.'

But the auctioneer persisted. 'Will somebody bid for this painting?Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?'

Another voice angrily. 'We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Gogh's, the Rembrandts. Get on with the Real bids!'

But still the auctioneer continued. 'The son! The son! Who'll take the son?'

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. 'I'll give $10 for the painting...' Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

'We have $10, who will bid $20?'

'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.'

The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son.

They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.

The auctioneer pounded the gavel.. 'Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!'

A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Now let's get on with the collection!'

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, the auction is over.'

'What about the paintings?'

'I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will... I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.

The man who took the son gets everything!'

Money is not EVERYTHING.
This may surprise a few, but is a fact.

Let's Call BullS#!T



click on either picure to visit Let's Call BullS#!T.com

The Love Doctor


The Love Doctor Dear Love Doctor,

For us its me, my fiancée and our boyfriend in our bed. My issue is while I am all for my fiancée to have her needs met by him, she gets all bent out of shape when me and him get it on. I can tell by the way she looks at me that she is PO.d at me. My fiancée and I have OK sex and I have fantastic sex with our boyfriend, but while one she was fine when me and him had sex, now not so much. What can I do, doc? I love them both dearly and really want to make this work.

Signed,

Three is a crowd


Dear 1 of 3,

You didn't tell me your sexual orientations, so I will take a stab at it. It seems to me that you have a great relationship with both your fiancée and your boyfriend. You don't mention it, I assumed he was gay, but I think he isn't. I would consider him to be bi sexual as he enjoys sex with both of you. Your wife is straight, Completely. You on the other hand are a homosexual in the closet. You say you thoroughly enjoy sex with him. That in itself, combined wit the "OK" sex with your fiancée is telling. I believe that she is jealous over your sexual relationship with the boyfriend. She's not dumb and can see that you enjoy sex with him more than her. Here's what you need to do. You need to own up to the fact that you are gay and that whilst you love your fiancée, you just really aren't in to her. Do this BEFORE you get married. This is of great importance that your future wife needs to know you aren't straight. It will hurt much more to come out to her later, when you've had children for example. If you are unsure how to do this, there are good books out there, I like this one:  

The Other Side of the Closet
Candid, compassionate, authoritative--a rich source of insights, information, and practical guidance. ""The first major work on the topic."" --Gay Community News ""A much needed comprehensive study of what happens to husbands, wives, and children during the coming-out crisis. --The Reverend Jane E. Vennard, founder Task Force for Spouses of Gays and Lesbians ""The new enlarged edition adds important factors, especially children's reactions to a parent's coming out. Well-researched and insightful."" --Fritz Klein, M.D., author of The Bisexual Option ""Anybody practising in this area would be well advised to read this book."" --Professor Arthur S. Leonard, New York Law School In two million marriages, one spouse is gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Having a spouse or parent disclose his or her same-sex attraction is a shattering experience fraught with pain, confusion, anger, and a profound loss of self-esteem. Amity Pierce Buxton spotlights this exploding phenomenon and reports constructive coping strategies that spouses and children have used to resolve problems of sexual damage, family breakdown, deception, and homophobia. Illustrated throughout by riveting personal narratives, this expanded edition of The Other Side of the Closet traces the family's journey from initial trauma to eventual transformation. This invaluable source of information for spouses, families, and professionals is based on Dr. Buxton's eight years of research, including interviews with 1,000 straight spouses and children, her own personal experience, and her counselling work with spouses of gay, lesbian, and bisexual partners.

You could also check out your local gay and LGBT drop in centre. They were a great help to me.Good luck. Here's hoping it's as easy as 1 2 3!

Yrs,

The Love Doctor PHD*

OZians? Do you have a 'more than a twosome' I am curious, write to me and tell me your story!?

--Send your questions about love to "The Love Doctor" directly from 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow! I have added an email link that goes direct to The Love Doctor, Dr. Eugene d'Amour PHD* - this will enable quicker responses from him. You can do this by clicking on his picture in the sidebar and put your question in the email. This will ensure that The Love Doctor gets your question. The Love Doctor forwards his replies to me for posting consideration. Note: Due to the high volume of letters that The Love Doctor receives, not all letters will be posted on 'OZ' - but the Love Doctor will reply to every email. (so he says)

*Pretty Handsome Dude

Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Got a clue? Check to see...

The average person only gets 7 right so use all lobes of your brain. This can be more difficult than it looks - it just shows how little most of us really see! There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think. It just shows how little we pay attention to the commonplace things of life.

RULES: Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No using anything on or in your desk or computer!

Can you beat 13? (The average is 7) Write down your answers and check answers (on the bottom) AFTER completing all the questions .

REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! It doesn't matter if you cheat, actually, because if you have to cheat, then you don't know the answer, so, you've already missed the question. BE HONEST!That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...

LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE. - If not, just have fun!
Here we go!


1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people don't know.)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg? (Don't you dare get up to see!)

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial? (Don't look at that dial)!

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise? (Get out of the bathroom!)

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15 How many sides does a stop sign have?

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?

17 How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey & Doc. Who's missing?

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

25. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?


I've got a raging clue right now


ANSWERS

1. Bottom

2. 50

3. Right

4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black &gold

5. 1, 0

6. Right

7. 20

8. Red

9. 87.7

10. Clockwise (north of the equator)

11. From lower right to upper left

12. 12 (there is no #1)

13. Left

14. Clockwise as you look at it from the front. (unless they have a reverse switch).

15. 8

16. Left

17. 5

18. 6

19. Bashful

20. 8

21. Ace of spades

22. Left

23. * and #

24. 3

25. Counter

Lost Wife

Lost Wife

"Scuse me while I kiss this guy"....

Madonna and ex-Goodie and TV bird expert Bill Oddie Madonna and ex-Goodie and TV bird expert Bill Oddie may be an strange partnership but they are united by song.

Some people in a survey thought a line in her song Erotica ("Erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body") was "Bill Oddie, Bill Oddie, put your hands all over my body".

Jimi Hendrix's "kiss the sky" in Purple Haze becomes "kiss this guy".

You have responded magnificently to our request for your own favourites - and most have produced plenty of amusement in the Sky News office.

Here are your best oops:

Instead of the line "I want to sex you up" in the Colour Me Bad song, an old school friend of mine used to sing "I'm homosexual". Also once heard somebody sing Cool & The Gang's Celebration but changed "What's your pleasure" to "What's the weather". Also finally a close friend if mine used to change R Kelly's "You've got that vibe" to "You've got those thighs"
--Louise, Berks

When Meatloaf sang "I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram, on a silver black phantom bike", I thought he was singing "I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram, I'm a Cilla Black fan on a bike".
--Nick Pettigrew, Macclesfield

I thought that Simon and Garfunkel's The Boxer had the lyric "Asking only workman's wages I come looking for a job, but I get no offers, just a come-on from the horse on Seventh Avenue."
--Geoff, Lincoln

I thought Macy Gray's song 'I Try' says "I wore goggles when you are not near" when really its "my world crumbles when you are not near".
--Gila Rabinowitz, Jerusalem

"My world crumbles when you are not here" becomes "I wore bubbles when you are not here"
--Maria, Dublin - mailed at exactly the same time as the previous one!

The great Police track Message In A Bottle contains the lyric "the years have passed since I wrote my note" which seems to be sung as "the years have passed since I broke my nose"
--Phil, London

My mum used to genuinely think that Come On Eileen by the excellent Dexi's Midnight Runners was Come On Ali after the great boxer. I still sing it that way.
--Andrew, Swansea

For years my sister Trisha sang "the lift goes up" instead of the correct words "love lifts up" from the theme tune to An Officer And A Gentleman.
--Marie, Slough

My wife thought that Hey Mr Tambourine Man by The Byrds was Hamish The Tambourine Man.
--Michael Peel, Blyth

Marc Almond - Say Hello, Wave Goodbye (also covered by David Gray) the line "You're used to wearing less" my friend always thought it was "You used to wear Ellesse" (as in the trainers)
--Sonia, Cork

Musical Note I once worked with a girl in Wicklow who honestly thought that the lyrics to a certain tune were: At the Coca, Coca Banana. She used to go around the office singing it (which is pretty bad regardless of what lyrics you use). She actually tried to convince me there was no such thing as a 'Copacabana' and that I was making up my lyrics!
--Brian, Dublin

Howard Jones sung "I don't want to be hip and cool" (I think) in his 1984 hit What Is Love?. I thought he was saying, "I don't want to be Hit Van Doon". I was never sure who Hit Van Doon was but he sounded pretty cool to me.
--George, London

I always thought that Abba were singing "When the bus had to go" instead of "One of us had to go".
--Kaye Freestone, Preston

I also recently thought Christina Aguilera was incredibly vulgar, when I misheard a line from her Genie In A Bottle as "come on baby lick me out". A friend told me a while later that it was actually "come on baby let me out".
--Harriet, London

I have a friend who thought that 'strike a pose' in Madonna's Vogue was 'strike the post'. She knows all the words to the rap bit in the middle, though.
--Laura Wood, Essex

My girlfriend sang "I wanna be your dog" instead of "I wanna be adored" by the Stone Roses. She sang it wrong for about 10 years.
--Phil Hancocks, Croydon

I thought for years that Adam Ant Stand And Deliver was "stand in your dinner". God knows how I worked that one out.
--Thomas Castle, Dunfermline

I wondered why Robbie Williams was singing about waiting for a dozen angels until my wife told me the lyrics were "I sit and wait, does an angel."
--Graham Meadows, Lowestoft

You have missed two of the best. Both are by the Police: "Massage in a brothel" and "Sue Lawley".
--Steve, Basingstoke - and many others with the second.

An ex-girlfriend used to think that the chorus to Ultavox's classic Vienna was "old piano".
--Terry, Oxford

My best friend at school thought Madonna's 'Papa don't preach' was 'Puppet on a bridge'
--Cat, Earlsfield

I always thought the first line of Desmond Dekker's Israelites was "Wake up in the morning, baked beans for breakfast"
--Louise, Chelmsford

I used to think the 60s soul record take Me To The River said "Take me to the river and watch me drown" rather than "wash me down".
--Graeme, Alva

I always thought that the 80s hit 'King Of Rock 'N' Roll' by Prefab Sprout, went 'Hot dog, jumping frog, 'Alpen Cookie' rather than 'Albuquerque'.
--Bethan, London

A few weeks ago Bohemian Rhapsody came on in our local pub and my friend was singing along to it. However her lyrics to "beelzebub has a devil put aside for me" became Musical Note "beelzebub has a devil on the sideboard". On another occasion I caught my husband singing "oh we are sailing" instead of the traditional "all we are saying" to the song Give Peace a Chance.
--HG, Doncaster

My aunt sang "I've got a rickshaw and i want to paint it black" ("I've got a red door and I want to paint it black") Rolling Stones
--Darren Lovatt, Sweden

My girlfriend Lisa sang: "Guns don't kill people rabbits do" by Goldie Lookin Chain. Obviously it was "rappers". At first I thought she knew and was joking but into the second week I had to say something and she wasn't.
--Dave, Pontefract

The White Stripes' "I think I smell a rat". The first time I heard it I thought he was singing 'I think I smell alright'
--Lindsay Cockcroft

Oasis' Champagne Super Nova: I used to sing "Champagne to Pinochio" I really can't figure out now how I ever heard those words in it. But I sang it for ages before a friend told me the real lyrics.
--Kerry Byrne, Wicklow

My work colleague yesterday was singing M People's One Night In Heaven - "one night, one night, ooohhooo one night in Devon".
--Anna, Lincoln

In Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal, I always thought he was singing "Eddie are you ok?" instead of "Annie are you ok". I still sing my lyrics when I hear the song which drives my boyfriend mad.
--Debbie, London

Desmond Dekker's Israelites becomes "me ears are alight".
--Lindy, Suffolk

Abba's One Of Us. There is a line in there somewhere stating: 'one of us had to go' I have heard people singing along to the song turning that into: 'when the bus had to go'
--Paul Goes, Luxembourg

I have two friends who used to sing Bob Marley's No Woman, No Cry but they thought the chorus was "No Woman, No Pride".
--Damian, Kildare

UB40's "I am a one in ten was interpreted by my brother as " I have a one inch head" Love it!
--Nic Graham, London

At school I had a friend who thought the line 'Guilty, guilty as a girl can be' from the Bananarama song 'Love In The First Degree' was 'Guilty, guilty as a dunken flea'.
--Sam, Leeds

How Deep Is Your Love by the Bee Gees: "and you come to me on a submarine" - is supposed to be "and you come to me on a summer breeze" - I have always thought those were the words.
--Shelley Cross, London

In Bonnie Tyler's It's A Heartache, my wife always sings "she's got 400 children and a crop in the field" instead of "she's got four hungry children."
--Steve Baldock, West Sussex

Steve has his own problems if he thinks Bonnie Tyler included those lyrics in It's A Heartache. They are actually from Kenny Rogers' song Lucille.
--Christy Murphy, Dublin

Ataris - The Boys Of Summer: "Your brown skin shinin' in the sun" actually sounds like "Your bra strap is shinin' in the sun"
--Andy H, Warrington

In the theme tune for Ghostbusters, when they sing "Ghostbusters" it sounds like "those b******s"
--Lee B, Herts

In Shanice "I Love Your Smile" the line "Sitting in my class, just drifting away" always goes into my head as "Sitting in my class, just stripped to the waist". It certainly makes an innocent song seem rather saucy!
--Gina-Luisa Hilborne, Woolacombe, Devon

Musical Note A friend of mine, when she was in Primary School, used to sing "if you're happy and you know it clap your hands, if you're happy and you know it clap your hands, if you're happy and you know it, Tangerines want to know it. We still laugh about it now.
--Louise Knott, Cardiff

I once heard a guy ask for a copy of Liver Pate by Bad Manners in my local record shop - he meant Lip Up Fatty. The poor bloke nearly died of embarrassment when his mistake was pointed out, much to everybody's amusement.
--Dominic, Clevedon

Angie by the Rolling Stones became - wait for it - Andy
--Ian Wilson, Spain

Losing my religion - REM. Always wondered what the correct lyrics are but it sounds like they are singing "Calling Cheryl Baker, calling Cheryl Baker".
--Nanda Braithwaite, Farnborough

Nanda - that REM song was The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight (actual lyric No Need To Wake Her Up). Madonna's La Isla Bonita - "young girl with eyes like potatoes" instead of "like the desert".
--Geoff Banks, Warrington

Geoff and Nanda, according to the printed lyrics for the Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight, it's Call Me When You Try To Wake Her UP
--Clare, Dublin

My brother-in-law used to sing "home, home on the range, where the deer and the cantalope roam". And I'm sure John Denver's fella never "talked to the fish in the trees" - my husband only recently put me straight on that one.
--Anna, Birmingham

*SKYNEWS.com

Swearing at work

Swearing at work

Monday, February 26, 2018

Who is YOUR Role Model (Here are the questions!)

Which of these is your role model? Einstein, Nelson Mandela, Jacob Zuma, Tom Cruise, Bill Gates, Gandhi, Brad Pitt, Hitler, The Wizard of 'OZ' (Me!!), or Barack Obama...

Try it without looking at answers

1) Pick your Favourite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number….

5) Add the digits together

Now Scroll down ..............








Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below :

1. Einstein


2. Nelson Mandela


3. Jacob Zuma


4. Tom Cruise


5. Bill Gates


6. Gandhi


7. Brad Pitt


8. Hitler


9. The Wizard of 'OZ' (Me!!)


10. Barack Obama


I know....I just have that effect on people....one day you too can be like me.... :-) Believe it!


Ps. Stop picking different numbers. I am your idol, just deal with it!!!!

4 Chord Song - Axis of Awesome

Your Philtrum... plain as the nose on your face

You’ve noticed that weird indent above your upper lip before, and you’ve probably sat in your room late at night wondering what it does. Don’t worry; it keeps me up at night too. But before I tell you what it does in humans, I’ll tell you what it does for other mammals. In most mammals, it enables the animal to carry moisture from the mouth to the nose pad, in order to keep the nose pad wet.
Philtrum
The reason they need to keep their nose moist, is because a wet pad traps odor particles better than a dry one. They can basically just smell better. Does that mean our Philtrum does the same thing? No, unfortunately, the Philtrum serves no purpose to humans and most primates. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. Check Wikipedia for more information on the Philtrum.

Work in progress..

Work in progress..

Sunday, February 25, 2018

TO ALL MY INTELLIGENT READERS:


See if you can figure out what these words have in common.

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess


Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try....

Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so cool.....

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....







Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.

Fun facts from Infection Control

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.


In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc)


An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.


In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!


Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.


Annually you will shake hands with 36 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.


In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.


At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.

Daily you will breathe in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.


HAVE A GREAT DAY...
...and wash your damn hands!

Mirror, Mirror

Shrek, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lopez were all having lunch together.


Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the World, but how can I be sure?'


Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the hottest man alive but I've Never had it confirmed.'


Jennifer Lopez agreed. 'I'm told I'm the sexiest of them all, but Sometimes I wonder.'


They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to approach the wicked Queen's mirror to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Brad Pitt was the hottest and Jennifer Lopez was the sexiest.


They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.


The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it 's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'


Jennifer Lopez walked in, and boasted, 'It is true, it has been confirmed that I AM THE SEXIST WOMAN IN THE WORLD'


Brad Pitt followed, Head bent way down, sad look on his face and said 'Who the hell is The Wizard of 'OZ'?'

--LOL! The Wizard

Flight: A Living, Breathing Document of Consciousness

Flight: A Living, Breathing Document of Consciousness is a periodical edited by a friend of mine, Trent Deerhorn. Trent is a shaman and is a very spiritual yet down to earth person. I especially like the Flight newsletter. Below is a link to download this month's PDF. For more issues of Flight or to contact Trent, visit his website here.

click here to download this issue
Click above to download the March 2018 issue of Flight: A Living, Breathing Document of Consciousness

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Mike The Headless Chicken

Dad Jokes

1. I have a fear of speed bumps.
I'm slowly getting over it.

2. Dad: Be careful standing near those trees.
Daughter: Why? The sky is clear and there's no chance of lightning.
Dad: I don't know really. They just look kind of shady to me.

3. Nurse: Do you smoke?
Dad: Only when I'm on fire.

4. *Holding a stepladder*
This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.

5. Dad: If you're cold you should sit in the corner.
Me: Why?
Dad: Because it's 90 degrees!

6. *Reversing the car*
Ahh, this takes me back.

7. How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

8. *Dad finds a suitcase in the woods filled with three raccoons. He calls the police.*
Dispatcher: This is 911, how can I help you?
Dad: Hi, I just found a suitcase filled with three raccoons.
Dispatcher: That's awful. Are they moving?
Dad: No. That would explain the suitcase, though.

9. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.
But then I turned myself around.

10. Me: I'll call you later.
Dad: Don't call me later, call me Dad.

11. Grandad at my Grandma's funeral.
Me: Are you alright?
Grandad: No, I'm half left.

12. What do you call a man with no nose and no body?
Nobody nose.

13. *A bug hits the windshield while driving*
Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again.

14. Dad: You know a train has been through here.
Me: How can you tell?
Dad: It left tracks.

15. Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

16. Me: Did you get a haircut?
Dad: No, I got them all cut.

17. Two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"

18. Apparently, a man in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor guy.

19. *I'm whining about something *
Dad: Would you like a straw?
Me: Why?
Dad: So you can suck it up.

20. Those are really special cows.
They're outstanding in their field.

21. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? 

You look for the fresh prints.

22. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

23. Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Me: Soy milk.
Dad: Hola milk, soy padre.

24. Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans.

25. A duck goes into a pharmacy and asks for lip balm.
Cashier: Certainly. Will you be paying for that with cash?
Duck: Can you put it on my bill?
Bad joke

My head hurts....

dazzling illusion

Trump as Canadians see him....

Trump as Canadians see him....

Friday, February 23, 2018

Relationships

Relationships

As I Get Older...

As I Get Older...

Akis - The Powerball Champion! - World Record!

The Wizard has one of these. Most I ever got was around 12,000
POWERBALLS
Explosive, dynamic, exciting... addictive!
NSD Powerball is a revolutionary new Gyroscope which literally explodes with mind numbing inertial forces once you activate its internal rotor!

How fast can you spin it?
An inbuilt speed meter makes it impossible to put down because you'll always want to beat your own high score or those of your friends, making NSD Powerball a seriously entertaining & fiendishly addictive way to exercise and get stronger!

Extreme yet sublime...NSD Powerball!
The unique sphere successfully blurs the line between exercise & fun and is suitable for both male and female, young or old. NSD Powerball generates between 1 - 40lbs of resistance depending on rotor speed and will tone the arms & wrists, build muscle or gently rehabilitate damaged limbs with its smooth non impact action. Inexpensive to buy, this is one of world's most popular gift ideas and will instantly satisfy 4 very specific requirements for you as:

The definitive instrument for athletes and enthusiasts of many different kinds of sports, hobbies and pastimes (especially Musicians!)

A highly addictive and fun to use "gadget" for competitive males & females (could you secure a place on the Top 100 scoreboard??)

A revolutionary new fitness product to help tone the arms and shoulders for women or build substantial power and muscle in the arms, wrists, hands and shoulders for men.

The perfect instrument to gently rehabilitate lower forearm and wrist joints affected by carpal tunnel syndrome, repetitive strain injury RSI, arthritis or previous breakage.

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Thursday, February 22, 2018

Wacky People Dichotomous Key Lab

Wacky People Dichotomous Key Lab
Instructions on how to use the key:

The purpose of using the key is to name the creature shown. Stick with one character until the name is reached, then go to the next.

• A dichotomous key gives instructions in pairs of statements.
• With each character, start with the first pair of statements.
• Decide which description describes your chosen character best and follow the line to the right.
• There will either be a number or a name. If it is a number, go to the pair of steps with that
number, for example, if the number is 3, go to steps 3a and 3b.
• If the line ends in a name you have identified your character, so write it down by the creature.
• Continue until each creature has a name. There is only one creature per name, and no creature has two names.

Click here for the exercise. Note ANSWERS ON THE LAST PAGE of the PDF. NO CHEATING!

Popcorn !!

popcorn popping

Sullllllllllllaaaaaaaappppppppp!

Robot liar detector

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

-- ON EXCEPTIONS, PRETTY BIG --

I repeat what I said Saturday: Everything that has been said about me and my colleagues in the party is untrue, except for some things that have been published by some media outlets.

Real Housewives of New Jersey star Spanish prime minister Mariano Rajoy


-- CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT DEPARTMENT --

Rutland Regional Medical Center President Thomas Hubner says he's optimistic about the future except when he's not.

Rutland (Vermont) Herald


-- ON YEAH, WE BELIEVE IT! --

Caller: Hi, I think someone's using my Internet.

Tech support: Why do you think that?

Caller: I have found a folder full of pornographic pictures on my hard drive.

Tech support: Well, probably someone at your house is saving porn onto your hard drive.

Caller: How dare you imply that! My husband is always on the Internet looking at a fishing website!


actual tech support call

-- ON WHAT DOES OWEN HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS? --

TRY A TASTY COOKIE WARMED IN OWEN

readout on a cash register screen
-- ON DEATH, IMPERMANENT --

GENERAL WHO RAN SOUTH VIETNAM BRIEFLY DIES AT 86

headline, Orange County (California) Register

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Yuk Yuks

Laughter is an instant vacation
The King & The Donkey

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot.

And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

Life just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
This is what happens when old people start using technology.

CRISIS RUNS IN THE FAMILY

BOBBITT FAMILY UPDATE
IN A RECENT NEWS BROADCAST, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT LORENA BOBBITT'S
SISTER LOUELLA WAS ARRESTED FOR AN ALLEGED ATTEMPT TO PERFORM THE SAME
ACT ON HER HUSBAND AS HER FAMOUS SISTER HAD DONE SEVERAL YEARS AGO .
SOURCES REVEAL THE SISTER WAS NOT AS ACCURATE AS LORENA .
SHE ALLEGEDLY MISSED THE TARGET AND STABBED HER HUSBAND IN THE UPPER
THIGH CAUSING SEVERE MUSCLE AND TENDON DAMAGE . THE HUSBAND IS
REPORTED TO BE IN SERIOUS, BUT STABLE CONDITION, AND LOUELLA HAS BEEN
CHARGED WITH . . . ?

A MISDAWIENER!

Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below.

QUESTION: You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWERS:

Canadian Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Australian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

I think that's a yes..

Racoon

"To realize..."

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE DAY, ask a bride the day before her wedding.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who has missed a train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment you have.

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

The fairest Layoff Letter ever!

This letter was sent this week to a major employer here in Calgary. I changed the name of the company:

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Rachel Notley is our Alberta Premier and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

But, since we cannot increase our prices right now, due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off 60 of our employees, instead. This really has been bothering me, since I believe that we are family here, and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found 60 'NDP bumper stickers' on our employees cars and have decided that these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.

They voted for change, so I gave it to them.

I'll see the rest of you at the annual company picnic!

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

"How Could You?"

Cute doggie

When I was a puppy I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" - but then you'd relent and roll me over for a bellyrub.

My housetraining took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed, listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs," you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.

She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" - still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy. Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love."

As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch - because your touch was now so infrequent - and I would have defended them with my life if need be.

I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams. Together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway. There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.

Now you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family.

I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog or cat, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a goodbye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.

After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"

They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you - that you had changed your mind - that this was all a bad dream...or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited.

I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table, rubbed my ears and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.

She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"

Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself - a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. With my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not meant for her. It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever.

May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

The End

*© Jim Willis 2001

Here is a picture of Trump with 500 dick pics - Enjoy

Here is a picture of Trump with 500 dick pics
Click on the picture to view the original

I will Survive - Alien version


and

Thriller Animation

What Will We Miss - Vsauce

Monday, February 19, 2018

"The Best Interest of Others"

Mel Gibson
THE THIMBLE

One day when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's their story, and they're sticking to it.

Juvenoia - Vsauce

Ransom Note...

Ransom Note

And you think you are dumb sometimes

Are you stupid?
Some days I think I'm so dumb and then I get an email like this. The worst part is that most of these people make way, way more money than I do or ever will.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part ofyour life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
--John Wayne.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, ex Vice President.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle.

“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another."
--George Bush, US President.

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca.

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President.

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

...Feeling smarter yet?