How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we 've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?




2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.




3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!




4. Rottweiler: Make me.



5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.




6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!




7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.




8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. (how true)!




9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!




10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.




11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."




12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?




13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...




14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.



How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?



Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:




"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"


ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

*Thanks, Daryn

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder -- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

*Thanks, Daryn

Disney Trivia

1) What two sports teams have been owned by The Walt Disney Company?

2) Which of these films is NOT based on a true story?
A) Miracle
B) The Greatest Game Ever Played
C) Ice Princess
D) Remember the Titans

3) Which sport has Bud the golden retriever not tried (at least, not yet?)
A) Snowboarding
B) Soccer
C) Football
D) Volleyball

4) In "Glory Road," who do the Texas Western Miners play in the NCAA National Championship?

5) What sport did Walt Disney like to play?

6) If you thought the last question was too easy, we have a tougher one for you: Name the cartoon in which Mickey Mouse plays Walt's favored sport.

7) Which major-league baseball team does spring training at Walt Disney World Resort?

8) Where at Walt Disney World Resort can you find competitions in tae kwon do, lacrosse, and triathlon?

9) What Medfield College sports team gets a little boost from flubber in "The Absent-Minded Professor"?

10) On the original "Mickey Mouse Club," which day of the week featured circus performers demonstrating feats of strength and skill?

11) What sport is the subject of "The Greatest Game Ever Played"?

12) At what Disney hotel will you find a baseball-themed swimming pool, complete with bunting and "bleachers"?

13) In what Christmas film will you find Minnie Mouse and Daisy Duck figure skating?







1) The Anaheim Angels (baseball) and the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim (hockey)
2) C
3) A
4) The University of Kentucky Wildcats
5) Walt became an avid polo player, and enjoyed playing Hollywood luminaries like cowboy star Will Rogers
6) 1936's "Mickey's Polo Team"
7) The Atlanta Braves
8) Disney's Wide World of Sports complex
9) The basketball team
10) Thursday was "Circus Day" each week on the show
11) Golf
12) Look for the Grand Slam Pool at Disney's All-Star Sports Resort
13) 2004's "Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas"

Cool Story

http://cjcphoto.com/can


*Thanks, Andy!

Little old lady

A young man shopping in a supermarket
Noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout,
And she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,
It would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout,
And as she was on her way out of the store,
The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him

Pleased that he had brought
A little sunshine into someone's day,
He went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."



Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

*Thanks, Ken!

T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (Moms' version)

It was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode Only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.

The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds, while visions of Barbie and X-Box flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV, with a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.

So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter, which made her sigh, "Now what is the matter?!"

With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand, She descended the stairs, and saw the old man.

He was covered with ashes and soot which fell with a shrug, "Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."

"Ho Ho Ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake." "Your gift was especially difficult to make."

"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone."

"Exactly!" he chuckled, "So, I've made you a clone."

"A clone?" she muttered, "What good is that?" "Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit chat."

Then out walked the clone - The mother's twin, Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.

"She'll cook, she'll dust, she'll mop every mess. You'll relax, take it easy, watch The Young and The Restless."

"Fantastic!" the mom cheered. "My dream has come true!" "I'll shop, I'll read, I'll sleep a night through!"

From the room above, the youngest did fret. "Mommy?! Come quickly, I'm scared and I'm wet."

The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."

"Hey," the mom smiled, "She sure knows her part."

The clone changed the small one and hummed her tune, as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.

"You're the best mommy ever. I really love you."

The clone smiled and sighed, "And I love you, too."

The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal."

That's MY child's LOVE she is trying to steal."

Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, Only one loving mother is needed here."

The mom kissed her child and tucked her in bed. "Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head.

I sometimes forget, it won't be very long, when they'll be too old for my cradle and song."

The clock on the mantle began to chime.

Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time." With the clone by his side Santa said "Goodnight.

Merry Christmas, dear Mom, You will be all right."

Sometimes we need reminding of what life is all about. Especially at times during the Holiday season, when all we seem to do is clean and bake and shop and and, and, and, and, and, and....You get the picture, I'm sure. So stop for a moment and hug that little one so special, whether he/she is 2 years old or 20 years old....Everyone needs your hug!

For they are the Gift that God gave us in life... and what a gift to be treasured, far above any other!

Seasons greetings to all!

*Thanks, Andy

"SENIOR" EYE TEST

*Thanks, Andy!

"Q" 'N "A"

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath andcalling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

*Thanks, Daryn!

For all you Avon Ladies.......

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart.

She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon Pine Scented deodorizer.

Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like" she asked?

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit under a Christmas tree".

*Thanks, Daryn

TRUE or FALSE? - FIVE Play!!

The parents of actress Thora Birch, who played Kevin Spacey’s daughter in American Beauty, were originally going to name her Thor, after the Norse god of thunder.







Her parents thoughtfully added the “a” after her birth. When her brother was born, they named him Bolt.

A man named Charles Osborne came down with a case of the hiccups that lasted 68 years.







Twenty-eight-year-old pig farmer Charles Osborne of Athon, Iowa, was in the process of weighing a hog for slaughter in 1922 when he was beset with hiccups that didn’t stop for 68 years. Despite hiccupping 40 times per minute in the early years (the frequency eventually slowed to 20 times per minute), Osborne married and had two children. The only discomfort he complained of was that it was hard to keep his false teeth from falling out. His hiccups finally stopped in 1990, but Osborne died within a year. He had hiccupped an estimated 430 million times.

The French math prodigy Évariste Galois wrote down his polynomial theories the night before he was killed in a duel, or else the world would never have known about them.







Galois had his first paper—on continued fractions—published at 18. At 21, he fell in love, was challenged to a duel, and stayed up the night before writing letters and outlining his new mathematical theories of polynomial functions. The next day, after he died from a bullet wound to the abdomen, his brother sent his journal to famed mathematician Joseph Liouville, who ten years later, in 1842, proclaimed Galois’s paper on group polynomial theory “as correct as it is deep.”

The blue whale has the largest eye of any animal.





The giant squid, which can grow up to 75 feet long and weigh up to half a ton, has the largest eye of any creature in the animal kingdom—as big as an automobile hubcap. There are still many questions about giant squids, since they live at depths of between 660 and 2,300 feet below the ocean’s surface, and the first one was not discovered until the 1860s. In the 1960s, however, there were two sightings of giant squids attacking and killing whales—in one case a 40-ton sperm whale.

The expression “talking shop” originally referred to the gossip that the Max Factor Beauty Shop in Hollywood was famous for.





The expression’s origins go back to 1741, when the Woolwich Arsenal converted one of its buildings, a workshop, to house Britain’s new Royal Military Academy. For that reason, the RMA was often referred to as “The Shop,” and any military strategy discussion among students and grads was called “talking shop.”

The Love Doctor

Dear Love Doctor,

I'm a 47 year old man and I've met this great guy. We met at the club where he works. The two of us have been spending a lot of time together and it is turning into a real summer- fall summer relationship.

The trouble is though, I really don't like the type of work he does. Bart is a dancer at a strip club. I want him to quit and move in with me, but he says the money is too good to give up.

I keep telling him I have all the money we need, but he still wants to work there.

Some of my friends say Bart is just using me. It's true I have given him some gifts and taken him on a vacation but, I really do think he likes me for me.

Last week he said he didn't want me hanging around the club. He said it's bad for businesses. But, I try to make up for that by getting table dances from him.

Is there any way that I can convince him to stop working there?


Signed,

Daddy


Dear Daddy,

There are four sexes my friend, homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, and paysexual. You have found the latter.

Do yourself a favor. Have one last table dance for the road and don't look back as you leave that club.

This guy is playing you like a fine violin and the symphony won't end until you are in the poor house.

There is nothing wrong with older men and younger men in relationships. In fact, I think it's kind of neat, especially at my age. But, a relationship with a stripper is no relationship.

There are plenty of young men out there looking for the stability a relationship with a mature man can offer. Young men with careers who can bring something other than their body into a relationship.

We all want to love and be loved, but this situation is going to give you neither. What it will give you is plenty of bills and a lot of heartache. He has already gotten gifts and a trip from you. What have you gotten besides some sex?

No, friend, hit the clubs where guys your age hang out, and I'm sure you will find a younger guy there just waiting for you.

The Love Doctor

The Wiz On The Street

The Justice Department is opening a probe to investigate its own use of wiretapping and warrantless surveillance. So the Wizard hit the streets again, asking, "What do you think?"

Jill Beckett,
Bellhop
"Is that wiretapping stuff still going on? I thought that was last year. I remember I was so outraged about that."

Stephen Varney,
Systems Analyst
"Gonzalez is taking this very seriously. He personally promoted top- notch D.O.J. janitor Phil Nugs to Inspector General just to lead this probe."

Brendon Gaines,
Projectionist
"There's a good chance they'll catch themselves red-handed here."

*The Onion

Late-Night Jokes About the Gay Marriage Controversy

"Big vote in the Senate yesterday. They voted down the gay marriage ban. ... It was a very close vote. 43 voted 'yea.' 44 voted 'nay.' And 3 voted 'fabulous.'" --David Letterman

"The constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage was defeated in the Senate. Did you see the gay people celebrating in West Hollywood? They were tipping over Volvos, spraying each other with Evian, looting the Pottery Barn. It was unbelievable." --Jay Leno

"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy." --Jay Leno

"The anti-gay marriage amendment: The president endorsed it. The Senate discussed it. I'm pretty sure Jerry Falwell masturbated to it." --Jon Stewart

"The Senate did not pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. President Bush was behind this thing. The president opposes gay marriage, but not because he wants to deny people who are in love the opportunity to get married like everyone else ... because he just wants to make sure that gay guys are allowed to have sex with as many gay guys as possible" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He says he wants to put both Al Qaeda and IKEA out of business. ... Apparently, it's a pretty strict ruling, too. Under this constitutional amendment, gays would not be allowed to marry unless one of the parties was Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"Even though President Bush is pushing for this gay marriage amendment, Vice President Dick Cheney doesn't think the federal government should be involved. Cheney said the government shouldn't prevent men who are obviously in love with each other from having a relationship. For example, let's say an oil company wants to get in bed with the leader of the Republican Party -- they should be allowed." --Jay Leno

On Bush supporting a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage in the 2004 election: "Ah, a constitutional process to ban gay marriage? And yet that was the only time he mentioned it until now. It's as though marriage in our country is only threatened during even numbered years. It's the cultural version of raising the terror alert. All I can say is, as election day gets closer, I would not be surprised to see a large suicide c*ck threatening Manhattan." --Jon Stewart

"The Senate is considering a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. The amendment is expected to fall a few votes short because Senators Orrin Hatch and Trent Lott are antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage, or as President Bush calls it, 'Leave That Fellas Behind.'" --Jay Leno

"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the most important issue facing the country today -- gay marriage? We were off last week, so apparently, we must have caught bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"You know what's interesting about this whole thing? According to polls, 51 percent of Americans do not approve of gay marriage, but 70 percent of Americans do not approve of President Bush. So gay marriage is actually more popular than he is." --Jay Leno

"Do you notice gay marriage didn't become a big Republican priority until all their members started going to prison?" --Jay Leno

"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey

"Congratulations gay people -- you are about to discover the joys of alimony." --Craig Ferguson, on a California judge's ruling legalizing gay marriage

Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone... We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears.
Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."

"Recently, the highest court in South Africa handed down a decision ordering the country s parliament to extend marriage rights to all gay couples. So just to reiterate, American is now less progressive than South Africa." --Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration renewed its call for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. So I guess they feel the only time that guys should be on top of each other naked is in an Iraqi prison." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." —Jay Leno

TRUE or FALSE?

The farthest underground that any living thing—an antlike insect—has been found is 2,000 feet.





The record for underground living goes to a species of chemolithotrophic bacteria, found in basalt deposits 4,700 feet underground in solid volcanic rock. Scientists in search of oil discovered it while analyzing drill core samples.

Ask The Wizard (Pop-Ups)

Dear Wizard of 'OZ',

Recently I keep getting pop-ups saying my computer is affected by a virus. I click on the pop-up and nothing seems to happen, sometimes, it takes me to another webpage, trying to sell me something. How do I know if they are real?


Signed,

Popped Out

Dear Popped

Those annoying popup windows with a warning that your computer is about to shutdown, or that you just got a virus are not always true.

Well, unless you have a Norton anti-virus detector or some other device, and the warning is from the company, you are the victim of a hoax..

Probably the first thing you should notice about a warning is the request to "send this to everyone you know" or some variant of that statement. This should raise a red flag that the warning is probably a hoax. No real warning message from a credible source will tell you to send this to everyone you know.

Next, look at what makes a successful hoax. There are two known factors that make a successful hoax, they are:

(1) technical sounding language.
(2) credibility by association.

If the warning uses the proper technical jargon, most individuals, including technologically savvy individuals, tend to believe the warning is real. For example, the Good Times hoax says that "...if the program is not stopped, the computer's processor will be placed in an nth-complexity infinite binary loop which can severely damage the processor...". The first time you read this, it sounds like it might be something real. With a little research, you find that there is no such thing as an nth-complexity infinite binary loop and that processors are designed to run loops for weeks at a time without damage.

When we say credibility by association we are referring to who sent the warning. If the janitor at a large technological organization sends a warning to someone outside of that organization, people on the outside tend to believe the warning because the company should know about those things. Even though the person sending the warning may not have a clue what he is talking about, the prestige of the company backs the warning, making it appear real. If a manager at the company sends the warning, the message is doubly backed by the company's and the manager's reputations.

Both of these items make it very difficult to claim a warning is a hoax so you must do your homework to see if the claims are real and if the person sending out the warning is a real person and is someone who would know what they are talking about. You do need to be a little careful verifying the person as the apparent author may be a real person who has nothing to do with the hoax. If thousands of people start sending them mail asking if the message is real, that essentially constitutes an unintentional denial of service attack on that person. Check the person's web site or the person's company web site to see if the hoax has been responded to there.

Yrs,

The Wizard

Tribute To Canada

This is a good read - funny how it took someone in England to put it into words...

Sunday Telegraph Article From UK wires: Salute to a brave and modest nation by Kevin Myers, The Sunday Telegraph

LONDON - Until the deaths last week of four Canadian soldiers accidentally killed by a U.S. warplane in Afghanistan, probably almost no one outside their home country had been aware that Canadian troops were deployed in the region. And as always, Canada will now bury its dead, just as the rest of the world as always will forget its sacrifice, just as it always forgets nearly everything Canada ever does.

It seems that Canada's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis is over, to be well and truly ignored. Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall, waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance. A fire breaks out, she risks life and limb to rescue her fellow dance-goers, and suffers serious injuries. But when the hall is repaired and the dancing resumes, there is Canada, the wallflower still, while those she once helped glamorously cavort across the floor, blithely neglecting her yet again.


That is the price Canada pays for sharing the North American continent with the United States, and for being a selfless friend of Britain in two global conflicts. For much of the 20th century, Canada was torn in two different directions: It seemed to be a part of the old world, yet had an address in the new one, and that divided identity ensured that it never fully got the gratitude it deserved.


Yet its purely voluntary contribution to the cause of freedom in two world wars was perhaps the greatest of any democracy. Almost 10% of Canada's entire population of seven million people served in the armed forces during the First World War, and nearly 60,000 died. The great Allied victories of 1918 were spearheaded by Canadian troops, perhaps the most capable soldiers in the entire British order of battle.


Canada was repaid for its enormous sacrifice by downright neglect, its unique contribution to victory being absorbed into the popular Memory as somehow or other the work of the "British." The Second World War provided a re-run. The Canadian navy began the war with a half dozen vessels, and ended up policing nearly half of the Atlantic against U-boat attack. More than 120 Canadian warships participated in the Normandy landings, during which 15,000 Canadian soldiers went ashore on D-Day alone. Canada finished the war with the third-largest navy and the fourth-largest air force in the world.

The world thanked Canada with the same sublime indifference as it had the previous time. Canadian participation in the war was acknowledged in film only if it was necessary to give an American actor a part in a campaign in which the United States had clearly not participated - a touching scrupulousness which, of ourse, Hollywood has since abandoned, as it has any notion of a separate Canadian identity.

So it is a general rule that actors and filmmakers arriving in Hollywood keep their nationality - unless, that is, they are Canadian. Thus Mary Pickford, Walter Huston, Donald Sutherland, Michael J. Fox, William Shatner, Norman Jewison, David Cronenberg, Alex Trebek, Art Linkletter and Dan Aykroyd have in the popular perception become American, and Christopher Plummer, British. It is as if, in the very act of becoming famous, a Canadian ceases to be Canadian, unless she is Margaret Atwood, who is as unshakably Canadian as a moose, or Celine Dion, for whom Canada has proved quite unable to find any takers.

Moreover, Canada is every bit as querulously alert to the achievements of its sons and daughters as the rest of the world is completely unaware of them. The Canadians proudly say of themselves - and are unheard by anyone else - that 1% of the world's population has provided 10% of the world's peacekeeping forces. Canadian soldiers in the past half century have been the greatest peacekeepers on Earth - in 39 missions on UN mandates, and six on non-UN peacekeeping duties, from Vietnam to East Timor, from Sinai to Bosnia.

Yet the only foreign engagement that has entered the popular on-Canadian imagination was the sorry affair in Somalia, in which out-of-control paratroopers murdered two Somali infiltrators. Their regiment was then disbanded in disgrace - a uniquely Canadian act of self-abasement for which, naturally, the Canadians received no international credit.

So who today in the United States knows about the stoic and selfless friendship its northern neighbour has given it in Afghanistan? Rather like Cyrano de Bergerac, Canada repeatedly does honourable things for honourable motives, but instead of being thanked for it, it remains something of a figure of fun.

It is the Canadian way, for which Canadians should be proud, yet such honour comes at a high cost. This week, four more grieving Canadian families knew that cost all too tragically well.

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

As I Mature

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Euro-English

The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.



As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English":



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.



The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.



Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.



Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.



Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.



If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

*Thanks, Pam

If ya can't poke fun at yerself....

NEWS HEADLINE!

Rider Practice suspended....

Saskatchewan Roughrider football practice was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at Taylor Field. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and noticed a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Head coach Danny Barrett immediately suspended practice while he RCMP were called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the RCMP determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line.

Practice was resumed when the RCMP decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.......

Q. What do you call a ROUGHRIDER with a GREY CUP ring?
A. A thief.

Q. How many SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS does it take to win a GREY CUP?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do the SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 27,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ"!

Q. How do you keep a SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDER out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.

Q. Where do you go in REGINA in case of a tornado?
A. TAYLOR FIELD - they never get a touchdown there!

Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the GREY CUP?
A. The SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS

Thanks Riders for a great season!

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Newfie flat screen

I think it looks good!

*Thanks, Daryn!

Think before you speak!

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak.

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

SECOND TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

THIRD TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. I then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.



LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?

*Thanks, Daryn!

Not everyone speaks english!

Below is a pie chart of the language breakdown of those visiting 'OZ'... English is about 2/3...

Cool, eh? Keep in mind, these are OS languages... the english includes those in foreign lands that have English versions of Windows etc...

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? (LOVE this one!!)
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

*Thanks, Andy

KNOW YOUR MATH

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so.

*Thanks, Andy

Scientology Challenge

The following does not represent the views of The Wizard and is just posted to get some conversation going....

The image you see to the right (Click on it to get a larger view) is the first page of what is supposedly the most important document in the world. At least according to Scientologists. The going rate for reaching the level of idiocy in the church to be able to view this document (and the 20 other pages that follow it) is close to 300,000$. It is said in their doctrine that simply by viewing this page, you might not be able to handle it and could possibly die. If anyone does happen to have their head explode because the knowledge contained within these chicken scratchings was just too much for their feeble mind, I take full responsibility.

This image will probably only be up for as long as it takes for the scientologists to find it and contact our developers over the copyright they hold on this document, even though it is not hosted by us. Something like this will probably get me a spot on their blacklist. By their own leader’s writings, they are known and obligated to attack those who do not agree with them.

This is an excerpt from a secret scientology document released in 1969: “It is wise to challenge such adverse commentators as routine procedures. A call by a local "housewives committee", etc. as to why they are hostile to human rights or in favor of psychiatric butchery and getting them in the press with it and with no mention of us is good PRO.”

I doubt Mr. Hubbard knew who he would be fu*king with when he wrote that. I am Zero; Tom Cruise, fu*k off. Try me. Bring it. Do your best to discredit me and make me disappear. It won’t happen. My readers don’t give two sh*ts about you or your stupid religion. They feel the same way as I do about your cockamamie, bullshit story that you have tried to pass off as a religion for the past 50 years.

As a matter of fact, I wonder how they would like a taste of their own medicine. That’s right, I wonder how they would like the dirty tactics they use on otherwise respectable journalists who try to expose their bullshit used on them? Email floods maybe? DD0s attacks? Maybe just a bunch of us showing up at their stupid churches and kicking some ass?

That’s all illegal, and I could never advocate illegal activities. I have a better idea. I herby challenge Tom Cruise to a boxing match. Yes Tom, I am saying I can kick your ass and I don’t need three rounds to do it in. You will be begging for the towel by the middle of round one. We’re about the same size, same weight and all that, it will be totally fair. If Tom beats me, I will never write again. Come on tom, unless of course you are a pussy…

Of course, I am just an insignificant internet writer. The people who read my work aren’t the kind who has tons of extra dough. They are like me, just normal people trying to make it in this f*cked up world. Why would someone like Tom Cruise care what we think about him? Why would he give two sh*ts about what a hack like me has to say?

First of all because him and his cronies are a violent religion. I count them worse than the Muslims or the Christians. Plus, he has the advantage. He has the money to buy the best training in the world. All I have is some guys I know that run a fight club every Monday at a bar here in Denver. Also, I smoke like a god damn locomotive. The Vegas odds makers will definitely have Tom in two. He is mission impossible, the last time I had a fight I was drunk two years ago.

He has the clear advantage. He supposedly has “god-like” powers from reaching the highest level of scientology. It would prove that his religion is right if he could devastate me with one punch. Little does he know, pirates don’t go down so easily. It didn’t have to be me, it could be any random dude on this site. But since I am the self proclaimed leader, I will fight the wars I declare on the front lines.

So, why would he agree to something like this? Because I am representative of the millions (and millions) of people who are not only dissing his stupid religion but also downloading his stupid movies for free. I stand at the front of the people he hates. Besides, I’m mocking his religion. I’m calling them all pansies!

As an under card, any of his fellow douchebags that want a piece can take on one of the random pirate ninjas that frequent this site. We will sweep the matches and prove that their god-like powers are crap used to sell t-shirts. Mr. Womp, our resident kicker of asses, has officially issued his own challenge for this editorial to John Travolta.

We declared war a while ago, now we have issued a challenge and await a response. A non response is the same as a victory for us. If we don’t get some kind of an answer in the next week, we will consider them yellow.

*ShoutWire.com

Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defective Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO: Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

World's biggest rubber band ball

A US man has made the world's biggest rubber band ball.


Steve Milton, of Eugene, Oregon, created the ball out of more than 175,000 rubber bands.

Guinness accepted it as a record breaker after it tipped the scales at 4,594lbs at a Chicago weigh-in.

The mammoth ball, which has a circumference of 19ft, broke the former record set by John Bain, whose ball weighed in at 3,120lbs.

The 26-year-old started his ball in November 2005 with just a few small rubberbands.

"It was just a great project with me and my kids," said Mr Milton, who worked on the ball with his six-year-old son, Bryce Milton, and his fiancee's son, Austin Johnson, 7.

"We did a little bit of research on how big rubber band balls are, and realised there was one out there that was 3,120 pounds and we knew we could do it."

*Ananova

Big bum contest banned

Officials in Brazil's biggest city took legal action to ban a contest to find the schoolboy or girl with the biggest bum.

A court in Sao Paul declared the Biggest Ass in School competition, promoted by Mix Radio in schools across the city, illegal.

The radio station had invited pupils to take pictures of their classmates' - and even teachers' - backsides, reports Terras Noticias Populares.

The pictures were to be sent in to the station with a cash prize going to the sender of the picture of the biggest bum.

But a judge banned the competition - and threatened to take Mix Radio off the air if it did not stop broadcasting ads for it.

A spokesperson for the Sao Paulo justice department said: "This contest is offensive and violent, we cant tolerate it."

*Ananova

Armed robber, 7, in Lego heist

Police in Florida are looking for a little girl, aged about seven, who tried to steal Lego at knife-point.

The girl pulled a knife on a cashier at a Wal-Mart store in Largo as she tried to walk out with two boxes of Lego.

Police say the girl, aged about seven or eight, hid the toys under her coat and tried to walk out, reports Tampabays10.com.

A store employee approached the child, asking her to turn over the Lego blocks.

Police say the little girl then opened her jacket and pulled out a 10ins carving knife.

The employee talked the girl into putting down the knife and the toys. The girl then rode away on her bicycle.

*Ananova



Lego Bank Robbery Click below:

TRUE or FALSE?

Gumby was first introduced on the Mickey Mouse Club show in 1956.





In 1955, Art Engel of 20th Century Fox approached Art Clokey to do a cartoon in clay. Clokey had already done a claymation cartoon set to jazz music. The character he created, Gumby, debuted on The Howdy Doody Show in 1956. Gumby’s unique head shape was inspired by a photo of Clokey’s father at 18, which showed him sporting a huge cowlick.

Say What?

To my darling husband,



Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.



I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.



I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart.



I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.



Your loving wife.

XXX





Picture follows....








*Thanks, Andy!

Lena Highway - Russia

Click Above.

If you need the PowerPoint Reader, Click here.

*Thanks, Vlad!

Brendan Fraser

Click Above.