"Big vote in the Senate yesterday. They voted down the gay marriage ban. ... It was a very close vote. 43 voted 'yea.' 44 voted 'nay.' And 3 voted 'fabulous.'" --David Letterman
"The constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage was defeated in the Senate. Did you see the gay people celebrating in West Hollywood? They were tipping over Volvos, spraying each other with Evian, looting the Pottery Barn. It was unbelievable." --Jay Leno
"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy." --Jay Leno
"The anti-gay marriage amendment: The president endorsed it. The Senate discussed it. I'm pretty sure Jerry Falwell masturbated to it." --Jon Stewart
"The Senate did not pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. President Bush was behind this thing. The president opposes gay marriage, but not because he wants to deny people who are in love the opportunity to get married like everyone else ... because he just wants to make sure that gay guys are allowed to have sex with as many gay guys as possible" --Jimmy Kimmel
"President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He says he wants to put both Al Qaeda and IKEA out of business. ... Apparently, it's a pretty strict ruling, too. Under this constitutional amendment, gays would not be allowed to marry unless one of the parties was Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno
"Even though President Bush is pushing for this gay marriage amendment, Vice President Dick Cheney doesn't think the federal government should be involved. Cheney said the government shouldn't prevent men who are obviously in love with each other from having a relationship. For example, let's say an oil company wants to get in bed with the leader of the Republican Party -- they should be allowed." --Jay Leno
On Bush supporting a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage in the 2004 election: "Ah, a constitutional process to ban gay marriage? And yet that was the only time he mentioned it until now. It's as though marriage in our country is only threatened during even numbered years. It's the cultural version of raising the terror alert. All I can say is, as election day gets closer, I would not be surprised to see a large suicide c*ck threatening Manhattan." --Jon Stewart
"The Senate is considering a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. The amendment is expected to fall a few votes short because Senators Orrin Hatch and Trent Lott are antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien
"As you know, President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage, or as President Bush calls it, 'Leave That Fellas Behind.'" --Jay Leno
"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the most important issue facing the country today -- gay marriage? We were off last week, so apparently, we must have caught bin Laden." --Jay Leno
"You know what's interesting about this whole thing? According to polls, 51 percent of Americans do not approve of gay marriage, but 70 percent of Americans do not approve of President Bush. So gay marriage is actually more popular than he is." --Jay Leno
"Do you notice gay marriage didn't become a big Republican priority until all their members started going to prison?" --Jay Leno
"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey
"Congratulations gay people -- you are about to discover the joys of alimony." --Craig Ferguson, on a California judge's ruling legalizing gay marriage
Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone... We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears.
Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."
"Recently, the highest court in South Africa handed down a decision ordering the country s parliament to extend marriage rights to all gay couples. So just to reiterate, American is now less progressive than South Africa." --Jon Stewart
"The Bush administration renewed its call for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. So I guess they feel the only time that guys should be on top of each other naked is in an Iraqi prison." —Jay Leno
"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." —Jay Leno
Welcome to 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow!! Posting is at 10AM, Noon and 2PM CST daily. Up to 12 days of posts on the main page. The archives have more. You can forward posts by clicking on the envelope at the bottom of the post. Enjoy your stay! *** If you need to contact me, or have a copyright issue, please use the "Contact The Wizard" form on the left side of 'OZ'. Original source and author is cited and credited in each post where possible. ***
Monday, November 27, 2006
Late-Night Jokes About the Gay Marriage Controversy
Ask The Wizard (Pop-Ups)
Dear Wizard of 'OZ',
Recently I keep getting pop-ups saying my computer is affected by a virus. I click on the pop-up and nothing seems to happen, sometimes, it takes me to another webpage, trying to sell me something. How do I know if they are real?
Signed,
Popped Out
Dear Popped
Those annoying popup windows with a warning that your computer is about to shutdown, or that you just got a virus are not always true.
Well, unless you have a Norton anti-virus detector or some other device, and the warning is from the company, you are the victim of a hoax..
Probably the first thing you should notice about a warning is the request to "send this to everyone you know" or some variant of that statement. This should raise a red flag that the warning is probably a hoax. No real warning message from a credible source will tell you to send this to everyone you know.
Next, look at what makes a successful hoax. There are two known factors that make a successful hoax, they are:
(1) technical sounding language.
(2) credibility by association.
If the warning uses the proper technical jargon, most individuals, including technologically savvy individuals, tend to believe the warning is real. For example, the Good Times hoax says that "...if the program is not stopped, the computer's processor will be placed in an nth-complexity infinite binary loop which can severely damage the processor...". The first time you read this, it sounds like it might be something real. With a little research, you find that there is no such thing as an nth-complexity infinite binary loop and that processors are designed to run loops for weeks at a time without damage.
When we say credibility by association we are referring to who sent the warning. If the janitor at a large technological organization sends a warning to someone outside of that organization, people on the outside tend to believe the warning because the company should know about those things. Even though the person sending the warning may not have a clue what he is talking about, the prestige of the company backs the warning, making it appear real. If a manager at the company sends the warning, the message is doubly backed by the company's and the manager's reputations.
Both of these items make it very difficult to claim a warning is a hoax so you must do your homework to see if the claims are real and if the person sending out the warning is a real person and is someone who would know what they are talking about. You do need to be a little careful verifying the person as the apparent author may be a real person who has nothing to do with the hoax. If thousands of people start sending them mail asking if the message is real, that essentially constitutes an unintentional denial of service attack on that person. Check the person's web site or the person's company web site to see if the hoax has been responded to there.
Yrs,
The Wizard
Tribute To Canada
Sunday Telegraph Article From UK wires: Salute to a brave and modest nation by Kevin Myers, The Sunday Telegraph
LONDON - Until the deaths last week of four Canadian soldiers accidentally killed by a U.S. warplane in Afghanistan, probably almost no one outside their home country had been aware that Canadian troops were deployed in the region. And as always, Canada will now bury its dead, just as the rest of the world as always will forget its sacrifice, just as it always forgets nearly everything Canada ever does.
It seems that Canada's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis is over, to be well and truly ignored. Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall, waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance. A fire breaks out, she risks life and limb to rescue her fellow dance-goers, and suffers serious injuries. But when the hall is repaired and the dancing resumes, there is Canada, the wallflower still, while those she once helped glamorously cavort across the floor, blithely neglecting her yet again.
That is the price Canada pays for sharing the North American continent with the United States, and for being a selfless friend of Britain in two global conflicts. For much of the 20th century, Canada was torn in two different directions: It seemed to be a part of the old world, yet had an address in the new one, and that divided identity ensured that it never fully got the gratitude it deserved.
Yet its purely voluntary contribution to the cause of freedom in two world wars was perhaps the greatest of any democracy. Almost 10% of Canada's entire population of seven million people served in the armed forces during the First World War, and nearly 60,000 died. The great Allied victories of 1918 were spearheaded by Canadian troops, perhaps the most capable soldiers in the entire British order of battle.
Canada was repaid for its enormous sacrifice by downright neglect, its unique contribution to victory being absorbed into the popular Memory as somehow or other the work of the "British." The Second World War provided a re-run. The Canadian navy began the war with a half dozen vessels, and ended up policing nearly half of the Atlantic against U-boat attack. More than 120 Canadian warships participated in the Normandy landings, during which 15,000 Canadian soldiers went ashore on D-Day alone. Canada finished the war with the third-largest navy and the fourth-largest air force in the world.
The world thanked Canada with the same sublime indifference as it had the previous time. Canadian participation in the war was acknowledged in film only if it was necessary to give an American actor a part in a campaign in which the United States had clearly not participated - a touching scrupulousness which, of ourse, Hollywood has since abandoned, as it has any notion of a separate Canadian identity.
So it is a general rule that actors and filmmakers arriving in Hollywood keep their nationality - unless, that is, they are Canadian. Thus Mary Pickford, Walter Huston, Donald Sutherland, Michael J. Fox, William Shatner, Norman Jewison, David Cronenberg, Alex Trebek, Art Linkletter and Dan Aykroyd have in the popular perception become American, and Christopher Plummer, British. It is as if, in the very act of becoming famous, a Canadian ceases to be Canadian, unless she is Margaret Atwood, who is as unshakably Canadian as a moose, or Celine Dion, for whom Canada has proved quite unable to find any takers.
Moreover, Canada is every bit as querulously alert to the achievements of its sons and daughters as the rest of the world is completely unaware of them. The Canadians proudly say of themselves - and are unheard by anyone else - that 1% of the world's population has provided 10% of the world's peacekeeping forces. Canadian soldiers in the past half century have been the greatest peacekeepers on Earth - in 39 missions on UN mandates, and six on non-UN peacekeeping duties, from Vietnam to East Timor, from Sinai to Bosnia.
Yet the only foreign engagement that has entered the popular on-Canadian imagination was the sorry affair in Somalia, in which out-of-control paratroopers murdered two Somali infiltrators. Their regiment was then disbanded in disgrace - a uniquely Canadian act of self-abasement for which, naturally, the Canadians received no international credit.
So who today in the United States knows about the stoic and selfless friendship its northern neighbour has given it in Afghanistan? Rather like Cyrano de Bergerac, Canada repeatedly does honourable things for honourable motives, but instead of being thanked for it, it remains something of a figure of fun.
It is the Canadian way, for which Canadians should be proud, yet such honour comes at a high cost. This week, four more grieving Canadian families knew that cost all too tragically well.
*Thanks, Auntie 'M'
Euro-English
The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English":
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
If ya can't poke fun at yerself....
NEWS HEADLINE! Rider Practice suspended.... Saskatchewan Roughrider football practice was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at Taylor Field. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and noticed a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Danny Barrett immediately suspended practice while he RCMP were called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the RCMP determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the RCMP decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.......
Q. What do you call a ROUGHRIDER with a GREY CUP ring?
A. A thief.
Q. How many SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS does it take to win a GREY CUP?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!
Q. What do the SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 27,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ"!
Q. How do you keep a SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDER out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.
Q. Where do you go in REGINA in case of a tornado?
A. TAYLOR FIELD - they never get a touchdown there!
Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the GREY CUP?
A. The SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS Thanks Riders for a great season!
*Thanks, Auntie 'M'
Think before you speak!
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak.
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
SECOND TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
THIRD TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. I then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Now, didn't that feel good?
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Not everyone speaks English!
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? (LOVE this one!!)
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
*Thanks, Andy
KNOW YOUR MATH
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so.
Scientology Challenge
The following does not represent the views of The Wizard and is just posted to get some conversation going....
The image you see to the right (Click on it to get a larger view) is the first page of what is supposedly the most important document in the world. At least according to Scientologists. 
The going rate for reaching the level of idiocy in the church to be able to view this document (and the 20 other pages that follow it) is close to 300,000$.
It is said in their doctrine that simply by viewing this page, you might not be able to handle it and could possibly die. If anyone does happen to have their head explode because the knowledge contained within these chicken scratchings was just too much for their feeble mind, I take full responsibility. This image will probably only be up for as long as it takes for the scientologists to find it and contact our developers over the copyright they hold on this document, even though it is not hosted by us.
Something like this will probably get me a spot on their blacklist. By their own leader’s writings, they are known and obligated to attack those who do not agree with them. This is an excerpt from a secret scientology document released in 1969: “It is wise to challenge such adverse commentators as routine procedures. A call by a local "housewives committee", etc. as to why they are hostile to human rights or in favor of psychiatric butchery and getting them in the press with it and with no mention of us is good PRO.”
I doubt Mr. Hubbard knew who he would be fu*king with when he wrote that. I am Zero; Tom Cruise, fu*k off. Try me. Bring it. Do your best to discredit me and make me disappear. It won’t happen. My readers don’t give two sh*ts about you or your stupid religion. They feel the same way as I do about your cockamamie, bullshit story that you have tried to pass off as a religion for the past 50 years.
As a matter of fact, I wonder how they would like a taste of their own medicine. That’s right, I wonder how they would like the dirty tactics they use on otherwise respectable journalists who try to expose their bullshit used on them? Email floods maybe? DD0s attacks? Maybe just a bunch of us showing up at their stupid churches and kicking some ass? That’s all illegal, and I could never advocate illegal activities.
I have a better idea. I herby challenge Tom Cruise to a boxing match. Yes Tom, I am saying I can kick your ass and I don’t need three rounds to do it in. You will be begging for the towel by the middle of round one. We’re about the same size, same weight and all that, it will be totally fair. If Tom beats me, I will never write again. Come on Tom, unless of course you are a pussy…
Of course, I am just an insignificant internet writer. The people who read my work aren’t the kind who has tons of extra dough. They are like me, just normal people trying to make it in this f*cked up world. Why would someone like Tom Cruise care what we think about him? Why would he give two sh*ts about what a hack like me has to say? First of all because him and his cronies are a violent religion. I count them worse than the Muslims or the Christians.
Plus, he has the advantage. He has the money to buy the best training in the world. All I have is some guys I know that run a fight club every Monday at a bar here in Denver. Also, I smoke like a god damn locomotive. The Vegas odds makers will definitely have Tom in two. He is mission impossible, the last time I had a fight I was drunk two years ago. He has the clear advantage. He supposedly has “god-like” powers from reaching the highest level of Scientology. It would prove that his religion is right if he could devastate me with one punch.
Little does he know, pirates don’t go down so easily. It didn’t have to be me, it could be any random dude on this site. But since I am the self proclaimed leader, I will fight the wars I declare on the front lines. So, why would he agree to something like this? Because I am representative of the millions (and millions) of people who are not only dissing his stupid religion but also downloading his stupid movies for free. I stand at the front of the people he hates.
Besides, I’m mocking his religion. I’m calling them all pansies! As an under card, any of his fellow douchebags that want a piece can take on one of the random pirate ninjas that frequent this site. We will sweep the matches and prove that their god-like powers are crap used to sell t-shirts. Mr. Womp, our resident kicker of asses, has officially issued his own challenge for this editorial to John Travolta. We declared war a while ago, now we have issued a challenge and await a response.
A non response is the same as a victory for us. If we don’t get some kind of an answer in the next week, we will consider them yellow.
*ShoutWire.comComputer Acronyms
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defective Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO: Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
World's biggest rubber band ball
A US man has made the world's biggest rubber band ball.
Steve Milton, of Eugene, Oregon, created the ball out of more than 175,000 rubber bands.
Guinness accepted it as a record breaker after it tipped the scales at 4,594lbs at a Chicago weigh-in.
The mammoth ball, which has a circumference of 19ft, broke the former record set by John Bain, whose ball weighed in at 3,120lbs.
The 26-year-old started his ball in November 2005 with just a few small rubberbands.
"It was just a great project with me and my kids," said Mr Milton, who worked on the ball with his six-year-old son, Bryce Milton, and his fiancee's son, Austin Johnson, 7.
"We did a little bit of research on how big rubber band balls are, and realised there was one out there that was 3,120 pounds and we knew we could do it."
Big bum contest banned
Officials in Brazil's biggest city took legal action to ban a contest to find the schoolboy or girl with the biggest bum. A court in Sao Paul declared the Biggest Ass in School competition, promoted by Mix Radio in schools across the city, illegal. The radio station had invited pupils to take pictures of their classmates' - and even teachers' - backsides, reports Terras Noticias Populares. The pictures were to be sent in to the station with a cash prize going to the sender of the picture of the biggest bum. But a judge banned the competition - and threatened to take Mix Radio off the air if it did not stop broadcasting ads for it. A spokesperson for the Sao Paulo justice department said: "This contest is offensive and violent, we cant tolerate it."
*AnanovaArmed robber, 7, in Lego heist
The girl pulled a knife on a cashier at a Wal-Mart store in Largo as she tried to walk out with two boxes of Lego.
Police say the girl, aged about seven or eight, hid the toys under her coat and tried to walk out, reports Tampabays10.com.
A store employee approached the child, asking her to turn over the Lego blocks.
Police say the little girl then opened her jacket and pulled out a 10ins carving knife.
The employee talked the girl into putting down the knife and the toys. The girl then rode away on her bicycle.
*Ananova
Lego Bank Robbery :
Say What?
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
Picture follows....
*Thanks, Andy!
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Deck The Halls
Starring: Danny DeVito, Matthew Broderick, Kristin Chenoweth, Kristin Davis, Alia Shawkat
Synopsis: This holiday comedy is centered around two neighbors in a small New England town who go to war when one of them decides to decorate his house with a so many Christmas lights that they are visible from space. The neighborhood is turned upside down as the families try to discover the true meaning of Christmas.
Review: Nearly every year about this time we get a holiday comedy in which characters celebrate the season as poorly as possible for 95% of the movie. Then an epiphany arrives in a nick of time to remind everyone how to correctly celebrate the spirit of Christmas. Let's call this the Dysfunctional Christmas Comedy.
"Deck the Halls" manages to cross the Dysfunctional Christmas Comedy with the Bad Neighbor Movie: Two alpha males (Matthew Broderick, Danny DeVito) living across the street from each other turn Christmas into a contest that trashes any and all yuletide traditions.
This high-concept/scant-laughs comedy, directed with slapdash energy by John Whitesell ("Big Momma's House 2"), should enjoy very modest good cheer in its theatrical release. Not nearly naughty enough to compare to the hilariously dark "Bad Santa" yet lacking the warmth and sentiment of the Christmas classics that jam the airwaves these days, "Deck the Halls" muddles along with rote characters and unimaginative gags that will amuse very few.
--more--
*Review by Kirk Honeycutt, Hollywood Reporter
The Love Doctor
Dear Love Doctor,
What makes one person constantly horny and someone else bored with the whole thing?
Signed,
Sexed Up
Dear Sexed,
Scientists say they've now discovered the answer to your sex drive, and that is proportional to the size of a part of your brain.
Australian researchers from the University of Melbourne believe the size of the amygdala, a miniature "emotion" center that is nestled at the base of the brain may determine how much sex a person wants, reports Nature News Service.
As small as an almond, the amygdala has long been known to process our reactions to fear.
Previous studies have shown, for example, that the amygdala is stimulated by erotic movies, and it's considered vital for mating behavior in many animals.
The Australian team, led by David Reutens, scanned the brains of 45 patients who had chronic epilepsy, which is known to short-circuit sex drive.
Nature News notes that as part of the treatment for epilepsy, each had undergone surgery to remove part of his or her brain, which freed up the remaining areas to run more normally.
Those patients who had the greatest amount of amygdala left intact after the surgery also had the greatest sex drives. Reutens suggests this means the amygdala boosts the likelihood of a sexual trigger that leads to arousal.
The Love Doctor
--Send your questions about love to "The Love Doctor" directly from 'OZ'
- The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow! I have added an email link that goes
direct to The Love Doctor - this will enable quicker responses from
him. You can do this by clicking on his picture in the sidebar and put
your question in the email. This will ensure that The Love Doctor gets
your question. The Love Doctor forwards his replies to me for posting
consideration. Note: Due to the high volume of letters that The Love
Doctor receives, not all letters will be posted on 'OZ' - but the Love
Doctor will reply to every email. (so he says)
THE GOOD SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.... It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought... Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."
"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...
This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!
Actual crack in a US Airways A3-Airbus window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. You won't believe this when you see it, this is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a A3. This could have caused a major in-flight problem! I sent this to a friend in aircraft certification to see what action the FAA could take on this problem.. Click here.
*Thanks, AndyMarriage In Your Nineties!
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 90, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our "Bridal Registry."
*Thanks, Andy
Friday, November 24, 2006
Cinderella update
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do y ou want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
Interesting Editorial Article
Galileo was persecuted for revealing what we now know to be the truth regarding Earth's place in our solar system. Today, the issue is homosexuality, and the persecution is not of one man but of millions. Will Christian leaders once again be on the wrong side of history?
When religion loses its credibility
By Oliver "Buzz" Thomas
What if Christian leaders are wrong about homosexuality? I suppose, much as a newspaper maintains its credibility by setting the record straight, church leaders would need to do the same:
Correction: Despite what you might have read, heard or been taught throughout your churchgoing life, homosexuality is, in fact, determined at birth and is not to be condemned by God's followers.
Based on a few recent headlines, we won't be seeing that admission anytime soon.
(Illustration by Adrienne Lewis, USA TODAY)Last week, U.S. Roman Catholic bishops took the position that homosexual attractions are "disordered" and that gays should live closeted lives of chastity. At the same time, North Carolina's Baptist State Convention was preparing to investigate churches that are too gay-friendly. Even the more liberal Presbyterian Church (USA) had been planning to put a minister on trial for conducting a marriage ceremony for two women before the charges were dismissed on a technicality. All this brings me back to the question: What if we're wrong?
Religion's only real commodity, after all, is its moral authority. Lose that, and we lose our credibility. Lose credibility, and we might as well close up shop.
It's happened to Christianity before, most famously when we dug in our heels over Galileo's challenge to the biblical view that the Earth, rather than the sun, was at the center of our solar system. You know the story. Galileo was persecuted for what turned out to be incontrovertibly true. For many, especially in the scientific community, Christianity never recovered.
This time, Christianity is in danger of squandering its moral authority by continuing its pattern of discrimination against gays and lesbians in the face of mounting scientific evidence that sexual orientation has little or nothing to do with choice. To the contrary, whether sexual orientation arises as a result of the mother's hormones or the child's brain structure or DNA, it is almost certainly an accident of birth. The point is this: Without choice, there can be no moral culpability.
Answer in Scriptures
So, why are so many church leaders (not to mention Orthodox Jewish and Muslim leaders) persisting in their view that homosexuality is wrong despite a growing stream of scientific evidence that is likely to become a torrent in the coming years? The answer is found in Leviticus 18. "You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination."
As a former "the Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it" kind of guy, I am sympathetic with any Christian who accepts the Bible at face value. But here's the catch. Leviticus is filled with laws imposing the death penalty for everything from eating catfish to sassing your parents. If you accept one as the absolute, unequivocal word of God, you must accept them all.
For many of gay America's loudest critics, the results are unthinkable. First, no more football. At least not without gloves. Handling a pig skin is an abomination. Second, no more Saturday games even if you can get a new ball. Violating the Sabbath is a capital offense according to Leviticus. For the over-40 crowd, approaching the altar of God with a defect in your sight is taboo, but you'll have plenty of company because those menstruating or with disabilities are also barred.
The truth is that mainstream religion has moved beyond animal sacrifice, slavery and the host of primitive rituals described in Leviticus centuries ago. Selectively hanging onto these ancient proscriptions for gays and lesbians exclusively is unfair according to anybody's standard of ethics. We lawyers call it "selective enforcement," and in civil affairs it's illegal.
A better reading of Scripture starts with the book of Genesis and the grand pronouncement about the world God created and all those who dwelled in it. "And, the Lord saw that it was good." If God created us and if everything he created is good, how can a gay person be guilty of being anything more than what God created him or her to be?
Turning to the New Testament, the writings of the Apostle Paul at first lend credence to the notion that homosexuality is a sin, until you consider that Paul most likely is referring to the Roman practice of pederasty, a form of pedophilia common in the ancient world. Successful older men often took boys into their homes as concubines, lovers or sexual slaves. Today, such sexual exploitation of minors is no longer tolerated. The point is that the sort of long-term, committed, same-sex relationships that are being debated today are not addressed in the New Testament. It distorts the biblical witness to apply verses written in one historical context (i.e. sexual exploitation of children) to contemporary situations between two monogamous partners of the same sex. Sexual promiscuity is condemned by the Bible whether it's between gays or straights. Sexual fidelity is not.
What would Jesus do?
For those who have lingering doubts, dust off your Bibles and take a few hours to reacquaint yourself with the teachings of Jesus. You won't find a single reference to homosexuality. There are teachings on money, lust, revenge, divorce, fasting and a thousand other subjects, but there is nothing on homosexuality. Strange, don't you think, if being gay were such a moral threat?
On the other hand, Jesus spent a lot of time talking about how we should treat others. First, he made clear it is not our role to judge. It is God's. ("Judge not lest you be judged." Matthew 7:1) And, second, he commanded us to love other people as we love ourselves.
So, I ask you. Would you want to be discriminated against? Would you want to lose your job, housing or benefits because of something over which you had no control? Better yet, would you like it if society told you that you couldn't visit your lifelong partner in the hospital or file a claim on his behalf if he were murdered?
The suffering that gay and lesbian people have endured at the hands of religion is incalculable, but they can look expectantly to the future for vindication. Scientific facts, after all, are a stubborn thing. Even our religious beliefs must finally yield to them as the church in its battle with Galileo ultimately realized. But for religion, the future might be ominous. Watching the growing conflict between medical science and religion over homosexuality is like watching a train wreck from a distance. You can see it coming for miles and sense the inevitable conclusion, but you're powerless to stop it. The more church leaders dig in their heels, the worse it's likely to be.
Oliver "Buzz" Thomas is a Baptist minister and author of an upcoming book, 10 Things Your Minister Wants to Tell You (But Can't Because He Needs the Job).
Mr. Thomas,
Not sure were to begin. First, all Scripture is inspired by God (2 Tim 3:16). Homosexuality is condemned by Scripture (Lev, Romans 1;18-32, 1 Cor 6:9-11). I could go on but the problem I think you have is unbelief. Jesus came to save sinners (homosexuals, liars, adulterers, gossips, etc..) Telling a homosexual he/she is ok is to keep them enslaved in their sin. Jesus came to set the captives free. I don't hate homosexuals. I want them to be free. Only the Gospel can set them free. I'm not sure what you're a minister of. I hope you are a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Tell people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. Speak the truth in love.
Chris M. (Texas)
Finally! Someone has actually read the entire bible and made an attempt to understand it. Anything can be proved by someone who wants to, if they are selective in the verses/portions of the bible that they quote, but living with tolerance and actually following the teaching of Jesus is much more difficult. It is also much less likely to gain you media attention.
Posted by: Jan from NC
I would like to see the evidence for your statement, "homosexuality is, in fact, determined at birth..." There are many studies suggesting that there are biological differences between gays and nongays, however, none of those studies proves your statement. If, for example, a gay man had a difference in a particular brain region, then all gay men would have that difference and all nongays would be missing that difference. Unless you know differently, none of the scientific studies prove conclusively that there is a biological determining factor. I do agree with you that the those who call themselves Christians needs to remember to "love your neighbor as yourself."
Posted by: Randy-MN
Sodom and Gomorrah??? And you are a Baptist Preacher?? Shame on You. What would Jesus do? He's already done it (Death, burial and resurrection) "Grace"! God's Word is the same yesterday, today and forever. Choice is everyone's decision: Heaven or Hell. This is the reason no one fear's God, is pastors like you that is suppose to be preaching the Truth, are tickling the ears with what the people want to hear. All of us will stand before the Lord's judgement; you and me included.......Now do your JOB! Their house is on fire....Tell them to come to the Lord for salvation. Talk about discrimination are you discriminating against GOD??? God won't let you starve, if He Called you to the ministry? Have a good day.
Posted by: Clair O'Connell
In spite of what you try to "prove" and your smear tactics against good Christian people, Bible-believing Christians will NEVER accept your lies and propaganda for a sinful lifstyle which God Himself in the Bible condemns. Homosexulality is sin and no one is born with it. Your hatred of the church only reflects your own bias. I you want to promote this perversion you have a right to do so, but don't condemn others who choose to believe the Bible instead of your lies and distortion!
Posted by: Michael Davenport
This is one of the best opinion written concerning the ongoing pronunciation that homosexuality is a sin by the religious community.
Thank you Buzz for the ethical analysis, not from a religious perspective, but from a human spiritual view.
Nature will go on without the permission of human rules of religion. Nature is trustful because it continues without human control. Religion is nothing more than man-made organizations with all their human frailties which blinds them of getting what Jesus got!!
Serenity is in the power of balancing your spirit
Posted by: Carol A. Nickell
As a homosexual, I think it's safe to say that I know a thing or two on whether or not I choose to be gay or I was born this way. Most individuals that are quick to condemn homosexuality and homosexuals have probably not spent much time talking to homosexuals. It's humorous how these individuals claim to have expertise on homosexuality. Based on my experience, I know that I have not chosen to be gay. I, like so many others, made every attempt to lead a heterosexual lifestyle. Despite all of my efforts, I just couldn't lie to myself about who I really was. As a gay man, I happen to know lots of other gay men and lesbians. Most of us share very similar stories. I know homosexuals from all different family situations, socio-economic backgrounds, races, ethnicities, and nationalities. What we all share in common is that not one of us woke up one morning and decided to be homosexual. I truly believe that in time, history will once again paint a very dark picture of religion's near universal condemnation of homosexuality and the political leaders that chose to exploit this condemnation. Future religious believers will be asking themselves why religion would not accept that the world was round, why religion was used to justify slavery, why religion was used to ban interracial relationships, and why the world's religions condemned homosexuals and homosexuality.
Posted by: Enrique
What do you think? Make a comment!
*USATODAY
Thursday, November 23, 2006
What Will Matter
someday it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises,
no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected,
whether treasured or forgotten,
will pass to someone else.
Your wealth,
fame and temporal power
will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned
or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations,
and jealousies will finally disappear.
So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans,
and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses
that once seemed so important
will fade away.
It won't matter where you came from,
or on what side of the tracks you lived,
at the end.
It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.
So what will matter?
How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought,
but what you built;
not what you got,
but what you gave?
What will matter is not your success,
but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned,
but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity,
compassion,
courage or sacrifice that enriched,
empowered or encouraged others
to emulate your example.
What will matter is not your competence,
but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew,
but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.
What will matter is not your memories,
but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered,
by whom and for what.
Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.
It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.
Choose to live a life that matters.
Author: Michael Josephson
LIZARD BIRTHING
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, dad, can you help?"
I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged.
"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you! think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea,"
Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!
Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
*Thanks, Daryn
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
The good old days. HA HA
Things you never thought about...
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just plain murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only "a penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?
Once you're in heaven, are you stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground ?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap to try to get the Roadrunner, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Who decided to call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's inside your butt? (Same guy who decided you park in a driveway, but drive on a parkway.)
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
*Thanks, Auntie 'M'
Rosie Rips Ripa Over 'Homophobic' Clay Aiken Remark
(New York City) Rosie O'Donnell is accusing Kelly Ripa of making a homophobic comment about singer Clay Aiken.
Last Friday Aiken co-hosted the Regis and Kelly show, sitting in for Philbin. At one point Aiken put his hand over Ripa's mouth in what was supposed to be a comic way.
Ripa didn't see it that way, saying she didn't find it funny. "That's a no, no," adding "I don't know where that hand's been, honey."
On Monday, when asked by Philbin about it Ripa said Aikin was being disrespectful and that previously he had been in the audience shaking hands with a lot of people.
Tuesday the issue hit "The View", also on ABC, with O'Donnell calling Ripa's remarks offensive.
O'Donnell said that as a gay woman she found it 'Homophobic".
Aiken has been the subject of months of speculation about his sexuality. In interviews when the subject has come up he has dodged the question.
Within minutes of O'Donnell's remarks Tuesday Ripa was on the phone to "The View" and things became heated.
"He's shaking hands with everyone in the audience ... It's cold and flu season, 
that's what I meant, and to imply that it's anything homophobic is outrageous, Rosie, and you know better."
O'Donnell shot back that she's not convinced the remark had anything to do with cold season. She went on to say that hosting a live talk show is difficult for anyone who isn't used to doing a live show.
"I feel for the kid," she said. "He's in a very difficult space."
So far Aiken is only one who has weighed in on the controversy.
Ask The Wizard (Windows Vista)
Dear Wizard of 'OZ',
I have been hearing alot about the new Vista Windows. I also heard that I have to buy a new computer to use it. I wanted to buy a new computer for Christmas, but was told to wait until Microsoft sends out Vista in February. Can I buy now and upgrade later? Any ideas?
Signed,
Seeing Vista on the horizon
Dear Horizon
I presume that you are asking me what to look for in a computer that will support Vista. You can order a Vista Ready direct from DELL, or Gateway, they add the upgrade to Vista as soon as it ships, for example. I also found the following information in a TechRepublic white paper:
1. Analyze your machine for upgrade readiness
Before doing anything else, you should download and run the Windows Vista Upgrade Advisor utility. This software will examine your computer and provide you with a summary of what versions of Windows Vista the computer is capable of running. Note that the Upgrade Advisor only indicates whether or not the PC will run Windows Vista. It does not indicate which requirements the PC doesn’t meet.
2. Check the CPU
The CPU requirements for Windows Vista are not earth shattering by any means. To be considered Vista Capable, the computer must have a CPU of at least 800 MHz. Those that are Premium Ready require a processor of at least 1 GHz. Most computers that have been sold in recent years will meet this requirement with ease.
3. Make sure you have enough memory
Memory is another fairly easy-to-meet hardware requirement for Windows Vista. To be considered Vista Capable, the PC must have at least 512 MB of RAM. Premium Ready machines must have a minimum of 1 GB of system RAM. Most modern PCs will either meet this requirement or be capable of a relatively inexpensive upgrade.
4. Evaluate your graphics adapter
Those of you looking forward to the new 3-D Aero Glass graphics will need to make sure that your graphics adapter is DirectX 9 capable. WDDM (a Windows display driver model for writing drivers) compatibility is also recommended. To be considered Premium Ready, the graphics adapter must have a minimum of 128 MB of video RAM. Vista Capable cards require only 64 MB of video RAM. Unless you plan on using the Aero Glass graphics, there is no reason to upgrade your existing video adapter if it's Vista Capable.
5. Verify that you have sufficient hard drive space
With hard drive capacity constantly increasing, available space is usually not a major concern. However, you should still be aware of the minimum space requirements for Windows Vista.
6. Make sure you've got a DVD drive
Windows Vista ships on a DVD, so to install the new operating system, the computer must have a DVD drive. This is another requirement that should be fairly easy to meet, since DVD drives have become commonplace or require only a fairly inexpensive upgrade.
7. Sort out the versions
Determining which version of Windows Vista to install can be a bit more complex than it was with previous versions of Windows. Windows Vista will have five editions:
- Windows Vista Home Basic. This version of Vista provides basic operating system functionality. If you don’t need advanced features, such as Aero Glass, this is the choice for you. Average home users will choose this version, although stepping up to Windows Vista - Home Premium will offer more functionality.
- Windows Vista Home Premium. This version is sort of a cross between Windows XP Home and Windows XP Professional. It offers much more functionality than the Vista Home Basic edition and is probably the version that most average to advanced home users will install.
- Windows Vista Business. This version is comparable to Windows XP Professional. It offers standard business functionality and will be a staple on the corporate desktop.
- Windows Vista Enterprise. The Vista Enterprise version offers advanced functionality such as BitLocker Drive Encryption for laptops, application compatibility tools, and multi-language support.
- Windows Vista Ultimate. The Vista Ultimate version combines the best of the home and business editions into one feature-rich operating system. This version also includes the Windows Media Center.
8. Check application compatibility
To make your Windows Vista installation go as smoothly as possible, you should ensure that your existing applications will run under Vista before installing it. You can download and run the Application Compatibility Toolkit to help you identify applications that may not run under Windows Vista.
9. Don't overlook data backups
Backing up your data is one of the most critical steps in upgrading your operating system. Unfortunately, this step is often overlooked in the excitement of installing the latest operating system. In addition to backing up your data, it’s best to verify that you have all of the installation media from your existing software and the appropriate licensing information before you start the installation.
10. Remember the notebooks
Notebook computers must meet all of the same hardware specifications as desktop PCs. The one problem with notebooks, however, is that If the graphics card isn’t compatible, there is little that you can do to upgrade the system.
Hope this helps. If it doesn't answer your questions, go to the Vista Home Page or, email me and I will help you further.
Yrs,
The Wizard
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Film Director Robert Altman Dies
LOS ANGELES (AP) - Robert Altman, the caustic and irreverent satirist behind "M-A-S-H,""Nashville" and "The Player" who made a career out of bucking Hollywood management and story conventions, died at a Los Angeles Hospital, his Sandcastle 5 Productions Company said Tuesday. He was 81.
The director died Monday night, Joshua Astrachan, a producer at Altman's Sandcastle 5 Productions in New York City, told The Associated Press.
The cause of death wasn't disclosed. A news release was expected later in the day, Astrachan said.
A five-time Academy Award nominee for best director, most recently for 2001's "Gosford Park," he finally won a lifetime achievement Oscar in 2006.
"No other filmmaker has gotten a better shake than I have," Altman said while accepting the award. "I'm very fortunate in my career. I've never had to direct a film I didn't choose or develop. My love for filmmaking has given me an entree to the world and to the human condition."
Altman had one of the most distinctive styles among modern filmmakers. He often employed huge ensemble casts, encouraged improvisation and overlapping dialogue and filmed scenes in long tracking shots that would flit from character to character.
Perpetually in and out of favor with audiences and critics, Altman worked ceaselessly since his anti-war black comedy "M-A-S-H" established his reputation in 1970, but he would go for years at a time directing obscure movies before roaring back with a hit.
After a string of commercial duds including "The Gingerbread Man" in 1998, "Cookie's Fortune" in 1999 and "Dr. T & the Women" in 2000, Altman took his all-American cynicism to Britain for 2001's "Gosford Park."
A combination murder-mystery and class-war satire set among snobbish socialites and their servants on an English estate in the 1930s, "Gosford Park" was Altman's biggest box-office success since "M-A-S-H."
Besides best-director, "Gosford Park" earned six other Oscar nominations, including best picture and best supporting actress for both Helen Mirren and Maggie Smith. It won the original-screenplay Oscar, and Altman took the best-director prize at the Golden Globes for "Gosford Park."
Altman's other best-director Oscar nominations came for "M-A-S-H," the country-music saga "Nashville" from 1975, the movie-business satire "The Player" from 1992 and the ensemble character study "Short Cuts" from 1993. He also earned a best-picture nomination as producer of "Nashville."
No director ever got more best-director nominations without winning a regular Oscar, though four other men - Alfred Hitchcock, Martin Scorsese, Clarence Brown and King Vidor - tied with Altman at five.
In May, Altman brought out "A Prairie Home Companion," with Garrison Keillor starring as the announcer of a folksy musical show - with the same name as Keillor's own long-running show - about to be shut down by new owners. Among those in the cast were Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin, Kevin Kline, Woody Harrelson and Tommy Lee Jones.
"This film is about death," Altman said at a May 3 news conference in St. Paul, Minn., also attended by Keillor and many of the movie's stars.
He often took on Hollywood genres with a revisionist's eye, de-romanticizing the Western hero in 1971's "McCabe and Mrs. Miller" and 1976's "Buffalo Bill and the Indians, or Sitting Bull's History Lesson," the film-noir gumshoe in 1973's "The Long Goodbye" and outlaw gangsters in "Thieves Like Us."
"M-A-S-H" was Altman's first big success after years of directing television, commercials, industrial films and generally unremarkable feature films. The film starring Donald Sutherland and Elliott Gould was set during the Korean War but was Altman's thinly veiled attack on U.S. involvement in Vietnam.
"That was my intention entirely. If you look at that film, there's no mention of what war it is," Altman said in an Associated Press interview in 2001, adding that the studio made him put a disclaimer at the beginning to identify the setting as Korea.
"Our mandate was bad taste. If anybody had a joke in the worst taste, it had a better chance of getting into the film, because nothing was in worse taste than that war itself," Altman said.
The film spawned the long-running TV sitcom starring Alan Alda, a show Altman would refer to with distaste as "that series." Unlike the social message of the film, the series was prompted by greed, Altman said.
"They made millions and millions of dollars by bringing an Asian war into Americans' homes every Sunday night," Altman said in 2001. "I thought that was the worst taste."
Altman never minced words about reproaching Hollywood. After the Sept. 11 attacks, he said Hollywood served as a source of inspiration for the terrorists by making violent action movies that amounted to training films for such attacks.
"Nobody would have thought to commit an atrocity like that unless they'd seen it in a movie," Altman said.
Altman was written off repeatedly by the Hollywood establishment, and his reputation for arrogance and hard drinking - a habit he eventually gave up - hindered his efforts to raise money for his idiosyncratic films.
While critical of studio executives, Altman held actors in the highest esteem. He joked that on "Gosford Park," he was there mainly to turn the lights on and off for the performers.
The respect was mutual. Top-name actors would clamor for even bit parts in his films. Altman generally worked on shoestring budgets, yet he continually landed marquee performers who signed on for a fraction of their normal salaries.
After the mid-1970s, the quality of Altman's films became increasingly erratic. His 1980 musical "Popeye," with Robin Williams, was trashed by critics, and Altman took some time off from film.
He directed the Broadway production of "Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean,
Jimmy Dean," following it with a movie adaptation in 1982. Altman went back and forth from TV to theatrical films over the next decade, but even when his films earned critical praise, such as 1990's "Vincent & Theo," they remained largely unseen.
"The Player" and "Short Cuts" re-established Altman's reputation and commercial viability. But other 1990s films - including his fashion-industry farce "Ready to Wear" and "Kansas City," his reverie on the 1930s jazz and gangster scene of his hometown - fell flat.
Born Feb. 20, 1925, Altman hung out in his teen years at the jazz clubs of Kansas City, Mo., where his father was an insurance salesman.
Altman was a bomber pilot in World War II and studied engineering at the University of Missouri in Columbia before taking a job making industrial films in Kansas City. He moved into feature films with "The Delinquents" in 1957, then worked largely in television through the mid 1960s, directing episodes of such series as "Bonanza" and "Alfred Hitchcock Presents."
Altman and his wife, Kathryn, had two sons, Robert and Matthew, and he had a daughter, Christine, and two other sons, Michael and Stephen, from two previous marriages.
When he received his honorary Oscar in 2006, Altman revealed he had a heart transplant a decade earlier.
"I didn't make a big secret out of it, but I thought nobody would hire me again," he said after the ceremony. "You know, there's such a stigma about heart transplants, and there's a lot of us out there."
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Associated Press writer Jeff Baenen in St. Paul, Minn., contributed to this report.